it's a long trip alone...

I don't want any more ties here. It's already going to be hard enough to leave. I'm already wondering who of my friends will continue to be a part of my life when I'm 600 miles away. There are some people who I have complete faith in, who I know will come visit me, who I'll make sure I see when I come back up here. There are people I'll keep in touch with through email and Facebook and text. But there are people who after I move will make an effort for a while, but a year from now, will only remember me as the loud, weird, clumsy girl who had way too much crap at her desk and loved to bake. And I know that's just what happens...people change, and grow up, and move away and move on. And the people who are important will stay important. And I'll meet new people and start new friendships and maybe, just maybe, find someone to love.

But that doesn't mean that it's not hurting me to think about. I'm too emotional for my own good, especially lately. One of my coworkers has joked that she's going to make me cry as much as possible before I leave.

It's not hard to do. Lately, it's a song or a quote or a TV show or a memory and all of a sudden I'm just a mess. I'm absolutely terrified that I'll move and cling so hard to the people I love here that I'll never meet anyone down in Nashville to start taking their places.


The thought of anything making this even more difficult just kills to think about.

And so I find myself, with two and a half months left to go, pulling away. Choosing nights at home over spending time with the people I care about. Separating myself, distancing myself....trying to make it easier.

Except now I'm living in this weird transition period of enforced loneliness. And I hate it. It's not the kind of person I am. I'm social. I'm outgoing. I want to surround myself with all these amazing people I know. But I don't want to deal with losing all of them at once. It just feels like it should be easier this way.

But....I'm lonely. Incredibly lonely. And while I sit here, watching The Office and crying to myself, trying to relax with a glass or two of wine, I think....it's going to be so much harder once I move, and when I'm lonely, I'll actually be alone.

Maybe I'm just having one of those nights where the world feels huge and I feel small....and maybe things will seem a bit different in the light of day. But right now, tonight? I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to do this.

And I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance...

Oh, 2010. Sometimes saying goodbye is really rather easy.
It was a mostly good year...the highlights were wonderful - I met some amazing people, a couple of whom have become a couple of my closest friends. It's hard to believe that a year ago I hadn't met them yet, as we easily fell into friendships that seem like they've lasted a lifetime. I got to spend Christmas with my whole immediate family, something that hadn't happened since 2003. I started to really gain some self-confidence, which was something I had been lacking the previous 27 years. I got my own place and in just over two months, have really turned it into a home.
But as always, there were plenty of dark spots on the year. I made some mistakes, and I'm sure I'll make some of them again. I hurt some people. I hurt myself. I wasted time worrying about things that I couldn't change. I wasted time trying to change things I couldn't. I lost myself more times than I care to remember, and I'm still not sure that I'm growing into the woman I want to be.
I've kept myself closed off from so many things. I want so badly to be the happy, successful, independent woman that I maybe turned my back on anything that got in the way...including a couple chances at relationships that, while they may or may not have worked out, could have been something I needed. I never trusted anyone enough to let them in, to believe they wouldn't hurt me. I continued to look at everything with the cold eyes that I've gotten so good at seeing out of.
And that is what disappoints me the most about this year - that I didn't even let myself try. That I didn't take any risks. That I said, "Oh no, I know better - I know that this will never go anywhere. I know that you're just going to make me cry in the end, so let's not call it anything more than it is. And we can go our separate ways, and I can keep being the girl who doesn't care about love."
Well. That was stupid.
Am I really better off not having let myself fall? Am I happier tonight, alone and avoiding people than I would be if I were with someone who may not have been perfect? Did I cry less this year than last? Has my heart broken fewer times? Has it ever even healed from the last time? Don't I owe it to myself to let myself believe in someone other than myself?

So. I don't have any New Year's resolutions. But I do have a new goal in my life - this year and every one after that. Keep my heart open. Let it make some decisions. Stop overthinking everything. Stop assuming the worst out of every situation just because that's all I've had in the past. Believe that the best way to finally heal a broken heart is to let it bleed again. Stop settling for all the moments of the past - all the moments that have just led to regret and tears with no one to help dry them. Let myself take some chances, make some mistakes, but know that they are leading somewhere other than a lifetime of keeping myself apart from any chance of love I'll ever have. Keep dreaming. Let love in.

Welcome, 2011. I can't wait to meet you in a couple hours with open arms and an open heart.

Another year older, another year wiser?

Well, it's official. I'm twenty-eight and the same age as my mother (although she has thirty years of experience behind her as well).

Looking back at the last year, I can only hope that twenty-eight goes better than twenty-seven did.

Don't get me wrong. I am a much stronger person than I was at this time last year. I've made it through some rough patches and done a fairly good job of it. I am more confident, happier, smarter....

But looking back....I did A LOT of stupid things this past year. I mean, a lot. I put myself in situations that I never would have imagined myself in before. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of. I let myself be fairly hedonistic and didn't think twice about over-consuming in any of the tempting areas I found myself. And while I had some great times, I also had way too many moments of regret.

I've learned from the mistakes. Yet I repeat them over and over again. This past weekend is a prime example - I acted without thinking and made some choices that I, once again, am finding myself regretting. I can't take it back and I can't dwell on it, so I've come up with a new plan: REALLY learn from it. I won't beat myself up over anything I've done - good or bad, they were my choices - but I will remember how I feel right now, and how I made other people feel, and I will remember that sometimes it pays to take a step back and look at the big picture.

So, twenty-seven? Went out with a bang.Twenty-eight? I expect to be a much more gentle ride. I'm looking forward to it.

Day 12: I do what I want

My mind is in all sorts of fucked up places right now.

I'm seeing other people grow up and move on, and it makes me feel...not like a failure...but...like I'm missing something. Like I should be in a better place than I am. Like I should be more of an adult, more stable, more responsible...something. I don't know.

It's not that I particularly want what they have. I don't want to be getting married, or having babies, or buying houses. I like that everything in my life is kind of...temporary.

Maybe *like* isn't the right word. I'm comfortable with it. That's better. I'm comfortable with not being tied down to anything. I'm terrified to put down any kind of roots, anywhere, whether it's a house, or a relationship.

I like only being committed to myself. Everything else in my life is...transitional. If I lose it tomorrow, I'll survive. I'll get through it. I'll move on.

But I wonder....why am I so okay with this? Shouldn't I be looking to settle down? Aren't I getting to the age where it's normal to want to plant yourself down somewhere? Shouldn't I be wanting something real?

Or should I just stop comparing myself to other people, and not putting any stock in whatever milestones signify being a grown up?

I'll give you the best of me, but you won't see the rest of me....

So, what better way to end a blogging dry spell than by jumping into the Spin Cycle? This week, Jen over at Sprite's Keeper asked us to pick out our favorite blog, and repost that.

Well, I don't have just one. So I'm rebelling. And these aren't necessarily my favorites, but ones that have some kind of meaning to me, or tell you the most about who I am. And I'm just posting a link, and a couple lines about why you should read it. I've picked up a few new readers recently (until I disappeared for weeks, probably) so this is as good an intro to the crazy but wonderful but terrible but entertaining world of Andrea.

Here goes....

"No, those are NOT my Magnum condoms...."
One of my most popular posts - it's how several people found me, after it was featured on Good Mom/Bad Mom. Reading back over it now, I still crack up. And turn red. This story has made the rounds, including at my work. Some things can really only happen to me....

So yes, been there. Done that. Laughed about it afterwards. Sometimes for years, because some of those stories just won't die....

But until tonight, I have never know true mortification.

"Crawling in the Dark"
My struggles, living with a chronic, painful illness. It's a side of me that I try not to show all that often - who wants people knowing they have weaknesses? But to know me is to know this, so here it is.

In the three years since then, I have been to the doctor more times than I care to count. I have had more blood drawn than seems humanly possible, and spent far too much money on medication and Icy-Hot. Not quite what I imagined my life would be like at 26.
I have been lucky.

"my first spin cycle"
This is getting posted only cause it's the first, and I just saw it. The topic was 'poetry' and I was apparently feeling quite angsty. In haiku form.

bitter.
three small words break me
again, pieces in your hands.
yea, well, fuck you too
(how can i still miss you?)

"and this is why i will never settle for anything less than everything"
My parents were celebrating their 30th anniversary. Of their engagement. It reminded me how lucky I was to have them, and their example. I can't say enough good things about my parents. I love them in ridiculous amounts.

Yes, my parents are that couple....The couple that if you are a stranger walking behind them at the grocery store, you will undoubtedly notice the way that when they are walking side-by-side, their hands just automatically find each other.

"The best I can give you is the worst part of me"
This was actually what I posted for my 'worst' blog as a spin cycle last summer. And part of why I had chosen it was because I was letting my guard down - which is exactly why I'm posting it now.

I AM genuinely happy for all the people I care about, but it just reminds me of my failures. And my failures? Not something I want the world to see. In this post, it's just me, being honest, and putting my heart out there for everyone to explore. And losing my usual cover of strength and independence? Scary.

"I barely have the breath to breathe"
Another honest post. It's odd that I will say anything here, but in real life? I hide it all.

Have you ever woken up one morning and wondered where the hell you were?

I’m not talking about that sinking feeling in your stomach you get after a one-night stand,
where you literally have no idea where you are, although that is part of this--I’m talking
about that sinking feeling in your soul when you suddenly realize you have no idea how your life got to this point.

"A letter to me, age 17"
Another Spin Cycle post - this was a free spin and I got it into my head that I should write a letter to myself, ten years ago. It's a favorite because I honestly wish I could go back in time and share this with her.

You aren't getting married in the next ten years anyway, and looking back, you'll realize that you should've just slept with him and at least had your first time mean something, instead of waking up after a night of heavy drinking on an air mattress after losing it to some guy you just met. (FYI - This might still happen. In that case, there IS a house alarm, and sneaking off at 6.30am? Won't work.)

"Hell yea, I have someone I love this Valentine's Day"
Yet another Spin Cycle. Jen makes me write better, apparently :-) I love this one, because it reminds me of how far I've come.

This year though? I'm forgetting about the past. This year, I am dedicating the day to myself, and reminding myself why I love who I am. I am celebrating me, and I'm gonna buy myself some flowers, and I am going to remember that I do just fine on my own, thank you very much...

RTT: Spring is coming and I'm invincible.

*Spring is in the air. It's slightly less cold when I wake up at 4.30am to go to the gym. It's making it slightly more bearable to leave my warm, cozy bed. And by the time I drive to work? I can hear birds singing. And the sun is shining. Love.

*Spring is my co-favorite season with autumn. Spring because of new beginnings. A clean slate. Everything is new and fresh. I always believed that if I ever fell in love, it would happen in the springtime. Not counting on it this year, but we'll see how next year goes.

*For the last week and a half I have been unstoppable. Nothing's getting me down. Sure, I have things I'm stressed about, as always, but for the first time in a really, really, REALLY long time, I don't feel like I'm drowning. And it feels damn good.

*What also feels good? Being 7 pounds down after my first week back on Weight Watchers. You can track my progress (and read what I think are funny stories) at my other blog, Loving Me Naked.

*I'm wearing a bright pink Snuggie right now. I only had on light PJ pants and a tank top, and I got chilly. Don't judge me.

*I have been re-reading some favorite books lately. Three of them are by Liza Palmer, one of my favorite authors. Every book she writes speaks to a different part of me, and reading all three, back to back? I feel drained and hopeful and exhausted and sad and joyful and inspired all at once. It's amazing. Eventually I'll be posting reviews of them, because they're that fantastic. Her second novel is called 'Seeing Me Naked' and was the inspiration for my new blog title.

*The other book I just finished re-reading was The Next Thing on My List by Jill Smolinski. Again, it got me thinking. If I had a list of 20 things to do by the time I was 30, what would they be? Finish school, for one. Hit my goal weight. Skydive. Hit my goal weight. Other than that, though? I have no idea. I always saw the big things for me happening after that age, if they happen at all - getting married, having kids....And those aren't things that I'm tied to. I guess I really don't have 'goals', just things that I would do if the opportunity arose. I wonder what that says about me...

*Meijer's Churned-Style Light Chocolate Moose Tracks ice cream? Freaking amazing. Totally worth 3 points a serving. Way more satisfying than just fat-free chocolate or something. Yum!

*Yes, I realize that I just went from what could turn into an insightful revelation into my inner workings, to raving about ice cream. It's just easier.

RTT: A day late, but I'm on my own damn time

My lovely sister found this lovely layout at Yummy Lolly and thought of me.

So I'm using it now.

It snowed. I can't leave my apartment. Because of this:

I really don't feel like giving myself a heart attack trying to shovel that out.

At least it means I get to work from home in sweatpants.

Time to track down some food!

see i don't know why i don't fall in love...

So, as I have mentioned a couple times now, I started seeing a therapist last Thursday. Tomorrow is my second appointment.

It's odd how much easier it is to talk to a complete stranger than it is to your best friends, sometimes.

I'm hoping this will be beneficial. More and more I look at my life and wonder how I got to where I am, and when I became the way I am. I wasn't always this cynical. I used to believe in true love and happily ever after. I used to let people in a lot easier. That's probably part of my trouble now. I've been let down, broken down, too many times to want to try again.

Maybe seeing her will help me understand why I go for the quick fix instead of something lasting. I'd like to eventually get past that. I'm sick of having these...moments. That's what I feel like every 'relationship' I've been in over the last several years has been - a series of moments that don't connect to me or my life or my heart in any significant way. I always have a foot and a half out the door, ready to run at the first sign of something more than the initial infatuation. Hell, I've let some great guys go, and pushed others away, because of it. At some point, I'd like that to stop.

And if talking my new therapist's ears off for the next few months helps, then that is what I'm going to do.

What a year for a new year...

So, 2009 is just over 10 hours from its completion, and in what seems to be a growing consensus, I will not be sad to see it go.

Truthfully, there was a lot of good in my life this year. It's easy to look past that when I think about all the rough things I've dealt/am dealing with, but I can't honestly say that everything that happened in the last year of the decade was awful.

Overall, it was an incredibly challenging year for me - personally, professionally, scholastically.

By far, the biggest change in my life this year was returning to school after several years of working fulltime. In January, I dove into a full credit load schedule, not having any idea how I was going to do it, but planning on giving it my all. I ended my first semester back with a 3.57, and made the Dean's List. I also was awarded a scholarship from my college that will last until I graduate, and take at least a little bit of student loans off my back. This past semester I ended up dropping classes after an unrelated event caused me to completely lose focus, but I still pulled it out, and I finish the year as a college junior (9 years after starting college courses) and with a 3.42 GPA. Next year I plan on returning to two full semesters, and 2 courses over the spring and summer, and I am fully planning on kicking ass and taking names.

At work, I think I did a good job of staying focused and getting things done. Because of my school schedule, I ended up working quite a lot of nights and weekends over the last year, and spending many days close to ripping my hair out. My team has been shorthanded all year, and my desk showed the extra jobs I was taking on. It was stressful, it was crazy, but in the end, I know my work is appreciated, and I feel confident in knowing that I'm not only getting by, I'm building a career.

Personally, there were far more downs than ups. That's all I'm saying about that, other than at times, I'm surprised I made it through without having a full-fledged breakdown. Also, I have learned more about myself and what I'm capable of handling in the last three months than maybe the last two decades. And I've grown up more in the last three months than I ever would have thought possible.

So, 2009. Goodbye, good ridance. Thanks for the lessons, thanks for the memories, wish you woulda skipped over the shit luck. Won't miss you. At all.

2010, let's hear it for a fresh start and second chances. Try to not screw us all over too bad, k?

Happy New Year lovies! Tomorrow, resolutions? We'll see...

RTT: Aren't all my thoughts random?

So, as I have no time anymore to actually post, I figured I would jump on the RTT bandwagon. This could get scary...

*Work fulltime + school fulltime? Maybe not my best idea ever. At least I'm getting SMRT.

*If you ever have to go somewhere and be respectable and serious, it is either the worst idea ever or the best to take someone who you know will make you laugh with her snarky comments.

*Pajama pants at a courthouse? Maybe not the best way to appear as if you are taking your situation seriously.

*I am very sick of making charts. I still love my job, but I'm getting burned out. This may be partly due to random thought #1.

*I met someone.

*I am very sad that I have another full week before there's a new episode of Glee. This long without seeing/hearing my boyfriends? So sad. At least I have most of the songs downloaded so I can get my fix in.

*If I win the lottery tonight, it will be bittersweet. Don't get me wrong, I'll appreciate it greatly, but because of my current situation I wouldn't be able to do all the fun things I'd want to. If it does happen, however, you can rest assured that at some point, the insanity would ensue.

*I need to get the heat fixed in my car. That would probably be the first thing I'd do if I won the lottery. Isn't that just kind of sad?

*I don't know if y'all have heard about this, but you should surely check out The Zombie News Network. It'll slay you. But not before eating your brains.

*I figured out my class schedule for next semester. Nothing on main campus!! As long as I can get what I want, I'll have three online classes, and one at a satellite campus MUCH closer to work/home. SCORE!

*The someone I met is older than me. How much older, I'm not really sure. Probably about 10 years. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

*Dressing up as a cavewoman for Halloween is fun, if for no other reason than getting to beat people with a plastic club.

*I am completely uninterested in the holidays this year. If I could skip the rest of the year, actually, that'd be kind of wonderful.

*The biggest issue with dating a guy that much older than me? We're in different places. At 27 I'm not ready for anything serious (as evidenced by the fact that he's not the only man I've been seeing as of late).

*Ray Lamontagne has been singing me to sleep a lot lately. He's keeping me from losing my mind.

*I think the clock on my desk is losing time.

*My focus has been gone lately. I need my brain to come back to me.

*I have realized in the last few weeks just how many amazing people I have in my life.

*Most often I don't feel like I deserve them.

*I have blog comments I've been meaning to respond to but I just haven't had the heart for it. It's been easier to just shut myself off lately.

*I don't want to hurt him. And I have a feeling I'm going to. So is it better to just cut things off now, before we're any more involved? He's a great guy and we get along so well, and the chemistry is ridiculous. And if I was a few years older, it might be it. But should I really try to fit myself into a relationship that isn't what I want or need?

*If I could get a do-over on the last month of my life, I think that would solve 90% of the issues on my mind right now.

*If you have the power to reverse time, please contact me ASAP.

The best I can give you is the worst part of me....

I can take care of myself. I can. I'm fiercely independent, and have no problem being alone. But recently, as I see more and more friends getting engaged, getting married, getting pregnant...growing up...it reminds me that however successful I am professionally, my personal life has never been anything but a mess. Normally I don't mind...I know my life will work out how it's supposed to, and I've never been one to mind being single (and fabulous!) but the sudden influx of happy news from every other person I know has started to wear on me. I AM genuinely happy for all the people I care about, but it just reminds me of my failures. And my failures? Not something I want the world to see. In this post, it's just me, being honest, and putting my heart out there for everyone to explore. And losing my usual cover of strength and independence? Scary.

And that...that is why this post from last autumn is my worst post. Because re-reading it now, I can feel exactly how I felt then...and I realize that with all the hopeful promise of every new man I've met since then, or budding relationships, or imagined spark that flew, nothing has changed since then.

i made a promise to my heart to never let a soul inside.... (10/12/08)

the thing about me is that i'm not a forward person. i find it very difficult to just come out and say things face-to-face. i need a computer screen or a cell phone or a piece of paper to get anything out in a semi-eloquent way.

this factor of my personality is generally what leads to heartache for me. i've grown accustomed to coming in second place. i live life well as a runner-up on so many things, and the last couple years have really shown that to me.

in my head i know that i should just take the bull by the horns, jump in head first, etc. but the rest of me is terrified of the result. i fear making things awkward, and getting hurt more in the process. but is it easier to stand idly by and watch what i want slip through my fingers, or actually take the leap, get shot down, but at least know?

the awful part of me - the wildly insecure and still slightly timid part of me - expected something like this to happen. i've never known anything close to a happy ending before, so why would i think that all of a sudden life and love would just fall perfectly into place? it's a road i've been down many, many times, and maybe part of the problem is that i never fully invest myself in something, because a giant piece of me remains convinced it'll end badly.

i've been an optimist for years. glass half-full, see the rainbow through the rain, sunshine is only a cloudy day away.....but somehow, the positive outlook never gets around to my love life. in that area, i am a cynical, realistic pessimist. with the soul of a romantic. no wonder i always am disappointed so badly.

it's getting late and i'm getting no comfort out of words tonight, which is a change from the norm. i'm going to finish my glass of wine and go to bed, and hope that when i wake up tomorrow i'll have magically gained some perspective.

but i'm not counting on it.

and i just can't pour my heart out to another living thing.....

I have a new goal for myself -- try to allow myself to depend on other people more.
I'm really bad at that.

Also, grow some balls and take a chance on something.....I'm really good at getting close to expressing what I want, and then backing off at the last second. Which is, you know....fairly useless.

Goal number three - not be afraid to show emotion beyond crying at a movie/TV show/wedding/etc. Stop trying to smile all the time. Sometimes I just need to fall apart, at least a little bit. Why do I think that no one wants to be around for that? My friends are the best people in the world. They can handle my ridiculousness.

Finally, last goal - finish a freaking blog post once in a while. I keep starting them, saving them, and forgetting about them.

Don't worry, there was nothing interesting.

if someone could just take over the not fun parts of my life, that would be great....

then i would have time to do things i enjoy. like blog. and drink wine. and read. and sleep.

but that's not going to happen. i will continue to work 60 hours in a week, and spend 20 hours on school. sleeping is maybe.....i don't know, 35 hours? i don't know what happens to the rest of my time.....maybe i'm in the car. or daydreaming, remembering when i had time for fun.

in any case, just wanted to let you all know that i'm alive, and semi-functional. until another 11 hours of work tomorrow, anyways......oi vey.

Oh, Mr. Cartwright....

By popular demand (or three people...good enough for me...)

I had a dream a few nights ago that I was being chased by the henchman of evil Mr. Cartwright. He was trying to have me killed. A cop was assigned to protect me, and I was put into hiding, but in the end, I learned that the cop and Mr. Cartwright were in cahoots, and the cop was actually the mastermind. I woke up as the cop was about to shoot me.

Yes, I apparently dream in movies.

Last night I had another crazy dream that had to do with aliens (if you've seen the Alec Baldwin Hulu commercial, picture that) were attacking my castle.
Yea, I had a castle. I don't know.

Last Saturday, I was in that spot between awake and asleep, when everything is a little bit blurry and unsure, and I felt someone in my room, watching me....and then I felt someone grab my arm. I literally jumped out of bed at that point, and realized I had [likely] been dreaming. Either that, or there's a ghost in my room.


So yes, many crazy dreams lately....I think it's a combination of being overtired and stress. I am looking forward to next week because it's my spring break, and I only have to work, no class. Of course, I have a speech to write and two papers to start on, but that's not that bad.

In other news, last Friday I had a box of Valentine candy left on my desk at work. I have no idea who it was from, but I just like to think someone appreciates me. I'm happy just knowing that.

Also last Friday, Raeleen and I went out for a girls' night, and met many interesting people. My favorite is still the dashing man I met when he came up to the bar to get a drink. We talked for a minute, and then he had to run off before he could order, so he asked if I would mind ordering for him, and gave me some money. He said I have a very innocent face, so he felt he could trust me with his beer. Obviously, he doesn't know me. Anyways, he was completely sexy and oozed charm and personality. Unfortunately, I wasn't drinking that much, so I didn't have the nerve to talk to him later on that night for more than a few minutes. I need to learn how NOT to feel like an idiot around men I'm attracted to, but I honestly don't see that happening anytime soon.

What else? School is going well, as I mentioned in the last post. I have a lot going on, and I'm completely exhausted all the time....I was also sick for about a month and a half, so that didn't help too much. I'm finally just about over it, but still rundown. Such is life.

I'm sure there'll be more soon...maybe something more entertaining than just tales of my not-so-exciting life.

Hope you all are doing well!

wait...i used to have a life, right?

I'm alive, people. I know some of you are concerned.

Work+school makes Andrea a dull girl.

I promise - either after I get home from a movie tonight, or tomorrow after class, I will have some entertaining thoughts for you.

Perhaps a story of the corrupt Mr. Cartwright, who was working for an even more corrupt cop, trying to kill me.

Or shall I tell you a tale of a stumble I took on campus today, leading me to somersault into an onlooker or two?

Maybe something about a secret valentine.....

So many stories, so little energy...have I piqued your interest?

Tell me what you want to hear, and I will do my best to comply in a timely fashion!

Miss you, my blogging loves. Will be back soon, and that's a promise.


PS - Not having a life is paying off so far....I have either A- or A in all four of my classes (including the 76 out of 75 I got on my speech test tonight)!

clouded thinking....

I am discovering that it is extremely difficult to concentrate on a Business Ethics assignment when there is a mariachi band playing in my sinuses.

Also, when in the middle of my Business Communication homework, I fell asleep with my head resting on the top edge of my book, and then again when trying to form an intelligent thought about writing a winning a proposal? Should have given up then and gone to bed. Instead, I tried to keep writing once I shook myself awake, and the result was something along the lines of: "To write a good proposal you should propose something that you are good at because if you aren't good at the proposed plan you will not win another proposal."

I deleted that, saved the file, and set it aside until my lunch hour tomorrow. Maybe by then I will be out of my Tylenol Sinus and Zicam induced fog.

nostalgia punched me in the face today...

I've spent the better part of the day so far going through old pictures, and what was left after that browsing through my old livejournal and deadjournal entries (yes, I know...what can I say? I was a sad little emo motherfucker for a while).

A couple of things:
a) I can't believe how everything seemed so important. Thank God I got over that.
b) How come no one ever slapped me for being so whiny?
c) The comments left on some entries by friends have been making me cry...especially the friends I've lost along the way...I miss having so many people who cared so much about me. I know I have plenty of people now who love me and care about me, but the number of those who are seriously invested in my well-being has gone down exponentially over the years.
d) I had so much more optimism and romanticism then. When did I become such a cynic?

Maybe it has something to do with hitting legal drinking age? Along with easier-to-come-by vodka, there's pessimism and doubt? I don't know that I believe that.

Even in my epic ramblings about heartbreak and pain and fate and whatever the hell else I was trying to sound intelligent about, I still managed to find a bright spot. No matter what the subject, I turned it around to make it a little bit better.

I don't know if I can do that anymore. It certainly doesn't seem like it.

Maybe I don't need that crutch anymore. Maybe after living a little more, experiencing more, I realize that there isn't always a bright spot. Maybe the fact that I'm more emotionally healthy now lets me accept the world as it is, without the rose-colored glasses.

My little revisit of the past today? It's given me much to think about.

i'm not the same one, look what the time's done....is that why you have let me go?

Once upon a time, I used to LOVE Christmas. Everything about it - the shopping, the crowds, the scents, the sounds. I loved driving around looking at Christmas lights, going to Christmas parties, I even went caroling a couple of times (which I'm sure the world has thanked me for stopping....). Several years of working retail at Christmas? Yea, didn't phase me. Wrapping 200 shoe shine kits at one of my jobs for a corporate Christmas present? Bring it on.
My favorite thing was always finding the perfect present for someone. I always put weeks of thought into it, and truly tried to think of something unique that I knew the other person would love and use. Over the years, I know I've come up with some pretty good things.

The last few years though, Christmas has lost its magic for me.

I still try to get in the spirit....I put up the tree, I listen to as much Christmas music as I can stand, I watch my usual Christmas movies....I decorate at work, and participate in anything holiday-related that I can. I do everything I know how to do, yet still come up short.

The gifts I buy are off a list, and now my goal is to just be done with it. The songs I'm listening to? 'Yule Shoot Your Eye Out', 'Green Christmas', 'Where are You Christmas?', 'Blue Christmas' (check out Low's version - infinitely superior to The King)...along with every other melancholy, tear-inducing song I have, and god only knows there are plenty...

Maybe it's just because I'm getting older. Maybe it's because so much of my family is a day away, and it's just not the holidays without them. Maybe it's because December has burned itself into my memory the last several years as a time of heartbreak and loss....

I'm sure it's a combination of all those things. How could it not be?

I miss the way things were...I miss being young and excited about the surprises Christmas morning would hold. I miss pancakes for breakfast after opening presents, and helping my mom with dinner. I miss spending time with my grandparents, and wish I had treasured that time more than I had when we had it.

All the silly traditions, all the stupid arguments...I miss them all. Those are infinitely preferable to how I'm spending my second Christmas in a row - at home, alone.
True, it's mostly by choice. I couldn't make it down to Tennessee to see my parents/sister/grandpa, and I turned down every invitation to Christmas dinner I received - I don't really want to spread my grinchiness around. I prefer to wallow alone, thank you very much.

Next year maybe it'll be different. Maybe I'll find a good memory to replace the bad ones. Maybe the hole that's been in my heart the last four years will start to heal itself over.

God, I hope so.


While I may be in no mood for this holiday, I still want to wish you and yours a very happy Christmas. I hope you all are safe, healthy, happy, and surrounded by those you love. Happy Holidays.

Ooooh, shiny....

I had the best idea for a blog last night. I should have written it then, but I'm fairly certain, given my state at the time, that it would have consisted of "Yummmmy RUM is good.......I LiKE piZZaaa!!!111!!@ Slepe is tops. Ok bye!"

I love vacation.

The point of this is that I forgot what my brilliant idea was.
Suffice to say, it was amazing, and everyone would be in awe of my genius, and I would become Blogger of the Year, and be invited on Oprah, and the world would revel in my glory.

Or, alternatively, I would start writing, and then get distracted, and go make a sandwich, and watch some TV, and three hours later, I would come back to my computer and wonder what the hell I was doing.

Does anyone else have blogging ADD like I do?
It's annoying.

i made a promise to my heart to never let a soul inside....

the thing about me is that i'm not a forward person. i find it very difficult to just come out and say things face-to-face. i need a computer screen or a cell phone or a piece of paper to get anything out in a semi-eloquent way.

this factor of my personality is generally what leads to heartache for me. i've grown accustomed to coming in second place. i live life well as a runner-up on so many things, and the last couple years have really shown that to me.

in my head i know that i should just take the bull by the horns, jump in head first, etc. but the rest of me is terrified of the result. i fear making things awkward, and getting hurt more in the process. but is it easier to stand idly by and watch what i want slip through my fingers, or actually take the leap, get shot down, but at least know?

the awful part of me - the wildly insecure and still slightly timid part of me - expected something like this to happen. i've never known anything close to a happy ending before, so why would i think that all of a sudden life and love would just fall perfectly into place? it's a road i've been down many, many times, and maybe part of the problem is that i never fully invest myself in something, because a giant piece of me remains convinced it'll end badly.

i've been an optimist for years. glass half-full, see the rainbow through the rain, sunshine is only a cloudy day away.....but somehow, the positive outlook never gets around to my love life. in that area, i am a cynical, realistic pessimist. with the soul of a romantic. no wonder i always am disappointed so badly.

it's getting late and i'm getting no comfort out of words tonight, which is a change from the norm. i'm going to finish my glass of wine and go to bed, and hope that when i wake up tomorrow i'll have magically gained some perspective.

but i'm not counting on it.