10.12.2008

i made a promise to my heart to never let a soul inside....

the thing about me is that i'm not a forward person. i find it very difficult to just come out and say things face-to-face. i need a computer screen or a cell phone or a piece of paper to get anything out in a semi-eloquent way.

this factor of my personality is generally what leads to heartache for me. i've grown accustomed to coming in second place. i live life well as a runner-up on so many things, and the last couple years have really shown that to me.

in my head i know that i should just take the bull by the horns, jump in head first, etc. but the rest of me is terrified of the result. i fear making things awkward, and getting hurt more in the process. but is it easier to stand idly by and watch what i want slip through my fingers, or actually take the leap, get shot down, but at least know?

the awful part of me - the wildly insecure and still slightly timid part of me - expected something like this to happen. i've never known anything close to a happy ending before, so why would i think that all of a sudden life and love would just fall perfectly into place? it's a road i've been down many, many times, and maybe part of the problem is that i never fully invest myself in something, because a giant piece of me remains convinced it'll end badly.

i've been an optimist for years. glass half-full, see the rainbow through the rain, sunshine is only a cloudy day away.....but somehow, the positive outlook never gets around to my love life. in that area, i am a cynical, realistic pessimist. with the soul of a romantic. no wonder i always am disappointed so badly.

it's getting late and i'm getting no comfort out of words tonight, which is a change from the norm. i'm going to finish my glass of wine and go to bed, and hope that when i wake up tomorrow i'll have magically gained some perspective.

but i'm not counting on it.

5 comments:

beth♥ said...

I, too, wish I could wake each morning with some magically gained perspective on my life in general. Alas!

Heinous said...

I don't know how to offer any magic perspective. You seem to be a pretty awesome person though. Enjoy your own company first, let the rest come or not.

Middle Aged Woman said...

I think we need to write a book, you and I.

Middle Aged Woman said...

And I'm PRETTY sure the RULES say that if you're GONNA have a PITY PARTY, ya gotta invite ME.

gathering dust said...

b - i thought when i woke up this morning my head was pounding because of the wisdom that seeped into my head over night.
sadly, it was just the after effects of way too much riesling.

h - thanks. i appreciate that :-)

maw - oh lord. the aunt and niece writing team of whimsical delight and devilish sarcasm? let's do it!

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