Happy birthday, Auntie!

Just a quick one - everyone stop in today to wish my Auntie a happy birthday! And then be jealous that I get to have dinner and ice cream with her tonight!

Thanks, Auntie M, for exposing me to fantastic music, and also for getting me addicted to The Princess Bride all those years ago (on laser disc, no less!), when I used to babysit and make mix tapes after the kiddies had gone to bed :-)

That's her in the bottom right, circa 1984. (And my momma is right next to her!)

RTT: The problem is estrogen....

♥ I can find a Grey's quote for just about any situation. Probably because I am over-dramatic and talk too much, just like the characters on that show.

♥ Can I just say, my new birth control is totally fucking with me? I am so ridiculously moody now I'm just waiting for someone to slap me and yell at me to get ahold of myself. Someone asked me how I was today, and I about started crying into my coffee mug. WTF?! I do not like this.

♥ I am taking a few days off before school starts again, and they cannot get here fast enough. I haven't really taken any time off, other than being sick, since last May. I need a real vacation sometime soon - planning on one for spring break next year, with my best friend. That's too far away.

♥ Funny how a year changes everything.....

♥ Completely unrelated, but my old classmate at Birdie Royale is entering the Mad Men Casting Call and you should totally vote for her. She is absolutely stunning and a wonderful person. Plus it's super easy - just click that link, and click 'Vote' - You don't need to register or anything.

♥ Seriously. Eff this birth control. I just started tearing up over a sort-of compliment. This is ridiculous. I mean, I know I'm a sap, but I'm out of control right now.

♥ If it could be Friday when I wake up tomorrow, that would be fantastic.

♥ I'm working on a new story idea and I like it so far. It's all in my head though, I haven't started writing. Which means I'll get through 20 pages and then burn out.

♥ I hit my head in the pool on Saturday. Then Sunday I hit it on the freezer door. And a couple hours ago? Definitely banged the crap out of it on my car. I fail.

♥ 635 days until I graduate. Not that I'm counting.

♥ Oh, and yea....you can like me, too. All the cool kids are doing it!


*************
As always, go check out Keely for more Random Tuesday Thoughts!

RTT: Things to look forward to...

*Almost two weeks ago, I became Auntie Andrea. No, this is not a child of my older sister, saradoxical, for those of you who know her and would be wondering why she hasn't mentioned it. There's more on this soon - for now, I give you this lovely picture of me and my new nephew:

*My beautiful Mommie Dearest (yes, that is exactly what my sister and I called her until we learned better..) gave me an award. That'll be up soon.

*The entertaining and fabulous Jess also bestowed an award on my unworthy ass. A couple weeks ago, actually. I've been busy. You'll see that in the next few days.

*More posts from the 30-Day writing challenge.

*The semester is coming to an end. Only a couple more weeks. No spring and summer classes this year, so hopefully y'all will be hearing more from me.

*It's been a rough month or two, but things can only get better...right?

A Secret Santa surprise for one of my favorite bloggers!

As a happy participator in The Spin Cycle, I was pumped when Jen gave us our new assignment: Pick your five favorite blogs, she'd narrow it down to one, and you post about why the chosen blogger kicks forty-five kinds of ass. So, my chosen one, I hope you enjoy!!

*****

I first found the amazing Sal of Already Pretty courtesy of Blogtations. There was a quote on there from one of her posts that I identified with:

"As a teen, I dreamed of being a bodiless brain in a jar. A smart, artistically inclined, physically awkward young woman, I shied away from anything that made me think about myself in terms of body. I hid in my loose, formless clothes, refused makeup, and let my hair remain unruly. I looked a little like a hobo, albeit one with excellent oral hygiene."

Well, if that wasn't enough to get me hooked, the entirety of her post certainly did. If you've never read Sal before, that's a great one to get started with.

*****

I love that Sal's tagline is "Helping you recognize your own beauty, one post at a time." There are a million style blogs out there, and a million beauty blogs, but to me, Sal's stands out because she focuses so much on inner beauty and self-confidence as well. By posting a poll every couple of weeks, she forcesencourages readers to look into themselves to find something that makes them unique/makes them beautiful/makes them feel amazing/makes them who they are. I cannot tell you how much my self-image has gone up in the last year and a half of actually having to think about my body and what I love about it. One of my favorites was deciding on my five best. I loved the idea so much I stoleborrowed it on my own blog. Having to really evaluate what I love about myself? It's a lovely boost of confidence.

*****

Without Sal, I wouldn't have any idea how to dress professional but also personal for an interview, wear belts without looking like a fool, fit the business casual requirement at work in a more interesting way than my usual black pants/boring sweater, or a million other tips and ideas I've picked up from her.

*****

Besides all this, Sal is a truly great person, always leaving an encouraging comment, passing on information to readers that would be helpful, giving advice to a desperate girl trying to find a dress....She's fantastic and adorable, and I can't wait for her next Already Prettypoll so I can be discover just how much I rock, and also, how great she is at reminding me!

Happy holidays, Sal!! You're a treasure!

*****

And happy holidays to everyone else who is enjoys The Spin Cycle every week! Thanks for this fabulous idea, Jen!

Introducing the lovely, the talented, the amazing....MELISSAAAAAAA!

My favorite thing about the Great Interview Experiment?
Getting to discover a blogger that I otherwise would probably never read. Melissa, aka Lollipop Goldstein, aka Town Criers, is one such blogger, and I am happy that I got her, as she is pretty darn awesome....but don't trust me - read it for yourself!

(You can visit yet another fantastic blog and blogger, Velvet Verbosity to read her interview with me and check out her 100-word writing prompt challenge! I am excited to start participating in that!)

How did I not know about ‘Show and Tell’?! This is a fantastic idea – how did you come up with it? What is your favorite thing you’ve shared? And what is the most interesting thing someone has posted?

I really missed that excitement from grade school that came before Show and Tell day at school, when you combed your house for stuff to bring in so you could tell a story. My favourite share was a picture I found of my daughter in the NICU (link) when I was working on their scrapbooks (which are still unfinished!). Probably the most moving one that anyone posted (and I'm sure if I sat reading through the archives I'd add 20 more), but this post (link) from The Road Less Travelled. I cried reading it.


Even the most open people have some secrets - Is there anything you absolutely would not share on your blog?

I have some pretty strict boundaries for myself--my story ends where another person begins unless I have (1) their permission to tell the story or (2) there is no chance they would recognize themselves in the story or be able to be identified.


You talk about traveling and trips you’ve taken – where was your favorite place, and why? Have any interesting or crazy stories about people you’ve met along the way? (By the way, I REALLY wish you had asked the random American woman how she lost all her underwear...I’m sure that would make a good story!)

It could have made a good story, but we had so much fun with her regardless and there are many additional stories of the two or three nights we hung out with her. My two favourite place that I've visited since starting the blog (since I've been to too many countries to rank them) are Smith Island and Shepherdstown, WV. My husband calls me the freak magnet because somehow, he can go for weeks never having a strange encounter on his way to and from work, and then the one day that I go down to his office, we meet up with all of these wonderfully crazy people. So we do meet a lot of interesting people along the way but our favourite was a boy we met in a hostel in Canada. We ended up taking him out for breakfast and interviewing him with a tape recorder. I'm not sure where the tape is and how much of his story was bullshit, but one day I'll have to tell the story of the Canadian hitchhiker.


Your post ‘Funeral Song’ had me in tears (at work, no less), and ‘My Grandmother’ had me in stitches – your grandma sounds like she was incredible (and not that different from my gramma who I lost almost 5 years ago now). What about her do you see in yourself? And did she have any traits that you wish you had more of?

Her large bum--all of us inherited it except one sister-cousin, lucky thing. I am probably most like her in that I care a lot about the people around me (and my husband just called across the room that I'm most like her in that I'm not afraid to tell him that he's stupid). I wish I had inherited her brashness. She said whatever was in her mind, and sometimes, it was exactly what the person needed to hear.

What has been the most rewarding part of blogging about your experiences in the ALI community? What is the most challenging thing about it?

I have to admit that I feel badly for people who are not in our corner of the blogosphere because there is an enormous love here. There is fighting too, and hurt feelings and lashing out at one another from time to time, but that is tempered with this enormous love. I have seen people come together to help a person build their family numerous times, whether it was donating money, gametes, or a womb. How many people can say that through blogging, they have added life to this world? The challenging thing is finding the stopping point. It is too easy to read more blogs, write more comments, and leave other stuff undone. And it's hard to set that limit when you receive so much love back for the good thoughts you give.

RTT: Love and loss on a windy Tuesday

I'm not quite sure what's going to make its way from my brain to my fingertips right now...my mind's been spinning quite a lot lately...

*It's amazing how one short conversation or exchange can push someone to the front of your mind.

*Thanksgiving is next week. Where did this year go?

*Someone I know just lost his grandfather, whom he was extremely close to - he called him the most influential person in his life. My heart goes out to him right now...

*...especially since it takes me back to when I lost my Gramma K. It'll be 5 years on December 9th, and I still think about her daily, and wonder if she's out there, somewhere, proud of the woman I'm becoming. I hope so. She was the best woman I've known, and if I become half the person she was, I'll be happy.

*My next tattoo (which my fabulous and talented sister will also be getting) will be a tribute to both our Polish heritage, and our grandmother. I'm hoping to get the design done and approved in the next few weeks, although disposable income is in short supply at the moment, so it'll likely be a while before we actually get these.

*I'm suddenly starting to get back to glass half-full, and it feels amazing.

*Last night I posted one of my favorite quotes on Facebook - "Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life, and love shouldn't be one of them." (Dream for an Insomniac)

*I need to keep that in mind. And remember that I'm not willing to settle or compromise.

*With my re-found optimism comes my unfailing faith in true love and happy endings. I'm just older and wiser now, and realize that neither of those things looks the way you expected it to at sixteen.

*Is it too early to put up my Charlie Brown Christmas tree at work?

*I keep changing my answers for The Great Interview Experiment. Someday the very lovely Velvet Verbosity will get my answers back. And in the next day or two, the also very lovely Mel will have questions to answer.

*By the way, if you haven't gotten in on the GIE action, you really should. Follow that link up there and visit the great Neilochka

*If you're a fan of fine (and not-so-fine) art, I suggest you check this out

*That's a lot of links.

see you in chicago....

It's official! Middle-Aged Woman and I are officially heading out to Chicago BlogHer weekend!

So, you know, if you'll be around, speak up!

good news! and, tagged!

Good news first! I applied for a scholarship from my school and found out last Friday that I got it! Yay!

And the lovely MAW tagged me for this....I actually started it this morning, but kept having to go lie down cause I was tired or dizzy....it's probably the pig flu.

What are your current obsessions?

watching the trailer for Glee over and over, cause it looks amazing. Also, reading old American Idol recaps on TWOP which really soothes me for some reason. Don't know why. I'm a weirdo.

Which item from your wardrobe do you wear the most often?

Either my EMU sweatpants or one of my EMU sweatshirts. Pretty much, anything comfy, really.

What’s for dinner?

If I manage to motivate myself, chicken noodle soup and Sprite. But I have to go to store if I want that, so not likely to happen.

What is your greatest fear at the moment?

At this precise moment, I am fearless. Being a little delirious from fever and exhaustion probably helps....

What are you listening to?

The Glee trailer. Again.

What are your favorite holiday spots?

Wherever my family is.

What are you reading right now?

Nothing at the moment - I have a few books on hold at the library though, will be picking those up tomorrow

What is your guilty pleasure?

see 'obsessions'

Who or what makes you laugh?

who or what doesn't?

What is your favorite Spring thing to do?

The first night where I can take a long drive with the windows down and the music up. People wonder why I don't fly when I go visit my family in Tennessee....I think because long drives alone are one of the few times I really feel at peace.

Where are you planning to travel next?

Hoping to go see Becca in San Diego over Labor Day, but not sure if it'll pan out

What is the best thing you ate or drank lately?

Water, just a few minutes ago.

When was the last time you were tipsy?

for about three minutes Saturday night, right before it switched to falling-down, pants-shitting, bad decision-making, table-dancing drunk (for the record, I only did one of those things) It was one of my good friends bachelorette parties :-)

What is your favorite ever film?

Princess Bride, Sabrina, Say Anything, Shawshank Redemption

What is the biggest life lesson you’ve learned from your kids?

That they don't exist?

What book do you know you should read but refuse to?

I can't think of anything....I will pretty much read whatever is put in front of me

What is your physical abnormity/abnormal physical ability?

Abnormally long toes. I posted a picture of them somewhere.

What is your favorite color?

Blues and greens. All of 'em. <--- Same as my Auntie M

Can the people outside your car hear the music playing inside your car?

Probably. It's most fun when I forget I have the windows down and I'm belting out some Xtina and dancing in my car, and a car full of businessmen pulls up next to me and starts laughing....

My addition: In a perfect world, how many hours sleep would you get per night?

10-12. I love sleep.

And I'm not tagging anyone individually, because I am too tired to copy and paste in links, so I tag everyone, all at once. Win.

award and new computer...real post to follow....soon?

I got this lovely award from Rachel at Burning the Souffle. She is fabulous, you should go there. She has a 'Sabrina' quote as her blog title, for monkey's sake - you know she is magical!

Anyways...award, rules, tags, etc.

Rules:

- List six things that inspire your creativity

- Pass the award on to 6 more kreativ bloggers

- Link back to the person who gave you the award

- Link to the people you are passing it on to and leave them a comment to let them know.

Six things that inspire my creativity:

- My past

- My loved ones

- Heartbreak

- Music

- Water (in general - the ocean, the rain, a shower...whatever)

- Alcohol

I pass this award to:
- Jess, who I just started reading, but I can already tell is effing awesome
- Idiot, another new one that I am starting to love
- Younger cousin, who is fantastic and you should add to your b-roll.

That's all I'm doing because I think everyone else in the world already has this, and I want to take a nap.

----------------------------------------------------------
I got a new computer! It's shiny and pretty. And red.


My desk is messy.
Anyway, my computer is looooovely - 17" widescreen, very fast, and red. I love it. Eventually he will have a name.

Ok, I am going to eat, and then take a nap, and then grocery shop.

More later, I promise - I have much to update with now that school has started!

Fan-freaking-tabulous!!!

I got my first award on Sunday from Middle-Aged Woman at Unmitigated. It left me feeling warm and fuzzy inside, but unfortunately I have been either too hungover or too tired to do anything about it til now. So here it is!













Da rules:

1. You have to pass it on to 5 other fabulous blogs in a post.

2. You have to list 5 of your fabulous addictions in the post.

3. You must copy and paste the rules and the instructions below in the post.

Instructions: On your post of receiving this award, make sure you include the person that gave you the award and link it back to them. When you post your five winners, make sure you link them as well. To add the award to your post, simply right-click, save image, then "add image" it in your post as a picture so your winners can save it as well. To add it to your sidebar, add the "picture" widget. Also, don't forget to let your winners know they won an award from you by emailing them or leaving a comment on their blog.

Addictions:

1 - Chapstick. Burt's Bees. Blistex. This very fun Little Miss Sunshine banana flavored kind I have. I NEED IT. Especially in the winter in the cold that is Michigan. I'm a big fan of lip gloss as well.

2 - Aveda Comforting Tea. I'm fairly certain there is crack in my teabags, but I don't care. It's delicious. Also, within the last year I discovered that I love tea, which I never thought would happen. I think I am up to 13 kinds at work now...maybe more.

3 - Books. I love to read as much as possible. I love spending hours in a bookstore. I love the smell of libraries.

4 - Scarves and gloves/mittens. I have, at last count, 17 scarves, after donating an additional 10 or so. Probably about the same amount of gloves. I like cozy things that keep me warm - this extends to blankets, socks, sweatpants, hoodies, etc. I guess I'm really just addicted to comfort.

5 - The West Wing. I DVR all the episodes that Bravo has on every weekday from 8-10am. Eventually I'll buy the box set, but I keep having setbacks on spare funds. I love the writing (although 5th season leaves much to be desired....I missed Aaron Sorkin so much), I love the characters. It was a great show. Too bad it wasn't reflective of reality....


I had planned on being more thorough, but I'm tired, so that won't happen. Instead, I will just tag:


- Sal - because she is full of great tips for both looking and feeling beautiful. and i always love the shoes she is wearing in pictures

- h31n0us - cause he makes me laugh so hard i almost pee myself at least three times a week (usually while i'm at work, naturally), and he's man enough to repost an award that looks like this one :-)

- Amy - seems to always be going through similar things to what i am going through or have recently - and we're both pretty strong chicks, i think!

- Rachel - the fact that her blog name is from 'Sabrina' which is one of my favorite movies ever is enough to qualify her.

- Sister - she already got this as well but i don't care. she's my big sister and she's a hundred kinds of fabulous. even if she lives in tennessee. which is stupid.

enjoy, dearies!

Another music meme.....

This is basically the one I just did, but I get to choose answers now. Which is a bonus, since music is pretty much everything to me. Got this one off of Middle-Aged Woman

The Song Which:

Reminds you of an ex-lover:
"Yellow" by Coldplay....maybe because it was the most overplayed song in the world when it first came out, but when I was with him, we always seemed to hear that song, or see the video. Just the first few notes of that song, and it all comes back....that was the first (probably only) guy I've ever come close to really falling for, and it doesn't help that we're still close and still talk often. People always say a first love never really leaves you, and I suppose that's the case here, even though it was never really love. At least not that kind of love...

Reminds you of an ex-friend:
"To Be With You" by Mr. Big. It's not so much an ex-friend as a friend that was taken long before his time. Someone who still crosses my mind to this day, even though he was killed over six and a half years ago. He was the one who renewed my love of 80s music. I could use almost any 80s song for this, really, but that was has a different kind of significance, as we always seemed to be a week off track with each other, although I know we both wanted the other at some point or another. I'm sure that for the rest of my life, anytime I hear the Scorpions or Great White, he'll be fresh on my mind.

Makes you cry:
"Hear You Me" by Jimmy Eat World. That song reminds me of everyone I've ever loved and lost. Actually, one of the lines from it will be one of my next tattoos ("so lucky so strong so proud" in case you're interested)

The only time I've heard that song and not cried was when I went to their concert this past July. And that was probably because I was actively trying not to.

Makes you laugh:
"If I Had a Million Dollars" by Barenaked Ladies. That song will forever remind me of youth group and long car rides and overnight retreats and singing along as loud as possible with my best friends. Guaranteed way to cheer me up is to either play that or start singing random lines from it.

You never want to hear again:
"100 Years" by Five for Fighting. A song so awful that I actually had a nightmare about it. If you don't remember it from the ten minutes when it was everywhere, here are the lyrics: This song makes me want to stab my ears out

Sums up your teenage years:
"Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum. Still one of my favorite songs, definitely was then.

You want to get married to:
First dance? Or walk down the aisle to? I'll choose one that would work for either, and I would use for at least one of those - the acoustic version I have of "Everlong" by the Foo Fighters. It's an absolutely beautiful rendition. It would definitely be a little less traditional than the standards, because I imagine if I ever get married, it'll be fairly unconventional.

Songs that make you want to "get it on":
"Come a Little Closer" by Dierks Bentley. His voice is just....yum. Anyways. "Green Eyes" by Coldplay...one of my absolute favorite songs. Maroon 5 "Secret." "Crush" by Dave Matthews. Although, obviously, I don't know about any of this from experience. Hi Mom.

You like to wake up to:
I wake up every morning to "Say It Ain't So" by Weezer, as it's my ringtone and therefore my alarm. That works for me.

You like out of your parents' collection:
Anything from the Beatles.

Wouldn't know about if it weren't for a friend:
"Sunday" by Bloc Party. One of my newest favorite lyrics is from here - "When I'm with you, I am calm, I'm a pearl in your oyster...Head on my chest, a silent smile, a private kind of happiness. You see giant proclamations are all very well, but our love is louder than words." Sigh. Why don't men that write lyrics like that exist in my world? The lovely accent doesn't hurt either.

You want at your funeral:
"Let it Be." The Beatles.

Too tired to do more than this...

From Middle-Aged Woman

What Your Cute Monster Says About You

You are a vibrant, vivacious person. When you live, you live as wildly and loudly as possible. You are very bold. You are willing to stand up and be a leader. Your inner demon is intensity. You have a tendency to let your passions take over. People think you're cute because you're fiery. When you get worked up, it's charming.

The Cute Monster Test

Yea...more or less.

Seven random facts....seven deadly sins...coincedence?

I got tagged by my lovely aunt, middle-aged-woman for this one.

Seven random things about me....hmmmm.

1 - I can sign my name with my toes. But only on my right foot. I have ridiculously long toes. Here, I'll even show you a picture:


I know, I know. I'm a circus freak.

2 - I can't remember what I had for lunch yesterday, but I can remember my best friend's phone number from first grade. It's a curse - my head is filled with useless information, but I forget where I'm going in the five seconds it takes me to walk from my desk at work to the end of my aisle.

3 - If I had the money (and the space), I would build a darkroom. I miss photography classes. The darkroom is definitely my relaxation place. Forget massages. I need developer and fixer. Mmmm. It's perfection.

4 - The older I get, the more I love and appreciate my family. Even though they're mostly insane. Not that I'm excluded from that....

5 - I curse like a sailor. Actually, I probably make sailors blush. I try to curb myself on here, but if you're around when I get aggravated, cover your ears. Or when I've been drinking....If I'm drinking and pissed off? That's another story entirely.

6 - I'm going to write a book with my Auntie M. (see link at top of page. And enjoy!) Her and I need to talk about that sometime soon (wink wink nudge nudge!) I have many ideas.

7 - I can fall asleep anywhere. In any position. Standing up. Sitting at my computer. Sitting up in bed reading. Curled up on a couple of stairs. Under a table. On a table. Wherever. This is less useful now than it used to be, when I went to many more house parties.

Ok. That was harder than it should have been, I think.

I tag whoever hasn't done this and wants to. I'm tired.

Five best

Grabbed this idea from the always lovely Sal over at Already Pretty

In the interest of acknowledgment and gratitude, try thinking of the five things your body does best. Five things you are proud that you can physically accomplish, five things that make you feel present in your own lovely, womanly bod.

1 - My hands are one of my favorite features - even with countless scars and arthritic everything - each part of them tells a story. They have strength to give great back rubs, and softness to comfort a friend, a child, a stranger. I love the motions of my muscles moving on the backs of my hands - I think it's beautiful. They have memory - these hands will never forget how to hold a camera and adjust the aperture, how to spool film and develop it, how to burn and dodge in parts of prints that would otherwise remain a mystery.

2 - I have ridiculously strong legs. If it wasn't so hard on my knees, I would be able to leg press the max at the gym I was going to, so instead I go with half the weight and twice the reps. They have the endurance to carry me through a 5K in winter, in snow and ice, up and down hills, which is not easily accomplished when you have Rheumatoid Arthritis.

3 - My stride is long. Whether relaxed and enjoying a walk in the autumn, or hurrying at work, I always feel like my walk is confident and says that I know what I'm doing and where I'm going (even when that's not necessarily true).

4 - Curves and softness that make me undeniably feminine. It took years but I'm finally embracing that, and feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin. This makes me feel more secure in any kind of situation.

5 - An extremely expressive face - sometimes it seems made of elastic. A raised eyebrow, a smirk, or god's gift to the world, a smile....every part of those is definitely me.


We all spend so much time picking apart our bodies and faces - so what makes you happy or proud about yours? I'm tagging EVERYONE.

yay for sundays!

i feel loved.

Because I need another way to waste time on the internet....

I have a new addiction: Blogtations

Here are just a few of my favorites (and new blogs to check out - I'm reading through and loving):

People think I'm drunk even when I'm dead sober because I'm filterless and stupid and fall a lot and so I basically have what I call "the three-drink handicap". Everyone else in the world after 3 cocktails = me just waking up.

-The Bloggess

(oh, so true)


Have you ever been at work, enjoying a nice snack of animal crackers while returning emails, finishing super fun reports, etc when you drop one of the crackers down into your cleavage? And then you push back your head to see how deep the little monkey has fallen, then pull your shirt from your chest and reach into to the depths to retrieve it? And then a new faculty member pops into your office to learn about health insurance options while your hand is very conspicuously rooting around between your boobs? Awesome.

-Bee-Spot

(this has happened to me (not necessarily with animal crackers) more times than i care to remember)


As a teen, I dreamed of being a bodiless brain in a jar. A smart, artistically inclined, physically awkward young woman, I shied away from anything that made me think about myself in terms of body. I hid in my loose, formless clothes, refused makeup, and let my hair remain unruly. I looked a little like a hobo, albeit one with excellent oral hygiene.

-Already Pretty

Have you noticed that the things we want to take notice of are almost always yellow (like school buses and post-it notes)? Single women should wear more yellow shirts.

-Pickled Beef

(duly noted)

I have a feeling I'll be visiting there again...a lot.