Day 12: I do what I want

My mind is in all sorts of fucked up places right now.

I'm seeing other people grow up and move on, and it makes me feel...not like a failure...but...like I'm missing something. Like I should be in a better place than I am. Like I should be more of an adult, more stable, more responsible...something. I don't know.

It's not that I particularly want what they have. I don't want to be getting married, or having babies, or buying houses. I like that everything in my life is kind of...temporary.

Maybe *like* isn't the right word. I'm comfortable with it. That's better. I'm comfortable with not being tied down to anything. I'm terrified to put down any kind of roots, anywhere, whether it's a house, or a relationship.

I like only being committed to myself. Everything else in my life is...transitional. If I lose it tomorrow, I'll survive. I'll get through it. I'll move on.

But I wonder....why am I so okay with this? Shouldn't I be looking to settle down? Aren't I getting to the age where it's normal to want to plant yourself down somewhere? Shouldn't I be wanting something real?

Or should I just stop comparing myself to other people, and not putting any stock in whatever milestones signify being a grown up?

i'm not bitter, but i've seen better days

Oh, Christmas.

A time of magic. A time of peace. A time of cheer.

A time to be with the people you love.

This year I have none of those things, and if I seem bitter, maybe that's why.

This whole year has been one thing after another.

I start to think I've dug myself out of a hole, when in reality, I've just been digging the same one deeper.

Lately I've been withdrawing from the world and trying to re-evaluate my life. I need to see what's wrong, what's right, and what I can cut out.

I'm not sure if I've discovered any answers yet.

I know I can't take another year like this. I can't let myself make the same mistakes again, I can't let myself fall for the same tired lines again.

To be honest, if I really look at my life, if I really take the time to make an inventory of the good and the bad, there is far more wonderful than worrisome. I know this. I'm self-aware enough to realize that this mood I've been in the last couple months will pass, and I'll be better for it. I know I'm being foolish and I know I'm letting my emotions get the best of me. And I know in a few months this awful, terrible time will be over and I'll wonder why it drove me this far down.

I know all that.

So why does breathing in and out seem like the hardest thing to do? Why can't I drag myself out of bed in the morning? Why do I find myself breaking down over the smallest little thing?

More importantly, when will it stop?