Feeling restless.

I started this blog July 31, 2008.

The name, Gathering Dust, came from a beautiful David Gray song that has been one of the themes of my life for a decade. For my twenties.

In less than two weeks, I turn thiry. And suddenly, I'm not okay with any theme of mine including the lyrics, "my soul is hollow as the sorrowful moon".

Beyond that, I've kind of failed at this thing. This is my second post this year. And it's to say that I'm jumping ship.

My first post was titled "feeling restless". I like the symmetry of my final post having the same name. I'm not sure that I'll ever NOT be restless, but I'm starting to feel like I want to be more settled.

In some ways, I feel like I've found a home here in Nashville, and I'm appreciating the slower pace down here. I've spent a lot of time recently just laying out in the sun, next to the water, letting myself just....be. And it's a beautiful thing.

My new blog is here - http://beautyofnothing.wordpress.com/ - It's empty right now, but that'll change soon. In the meantime, update your bookmarks.

I recently read Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, and there was a phrase that really appealed to me - "Il bel far niente" - "The beauty of doing nothing". This is something I'm learning how to appreciate lately and something I will hopefully continue to enjoy, now that I've let myself slow down and relax.

So, goodbye to feeling like I'm like gathering dust, like I'm on a mission alone. And welcome to feeling like the world is full of beautiful moments, often in unexpected times.

I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name

I'm making plans. Lots and lots of plans.

Career-changing plans. Pick-up-my-life-and-move-600-miles-away plans. Life-changing plans. Terrifying, exhilarating plans.

I've lived my whole life in the Detroit area. It's what I know. It's comfortable. I have family here. God knows I have friends here. My *history* is here.

So why am I skipping out on everything, and moving to Nashville?

Of course, a big part of it is my parents. And my sister. And my grandpa. They live in Tennessee, a little more than an hour east of Nashville. Being so far away from them now is awful. I hate that I don't get to see them more than a few times a year.

Part of it is my job. I like my job. And I'm good at it. But this isn't what I thought I would be doing for the rest of my life. Even when I went back to school with the intent of advancing in the company, I didn't know if I was doing it because I loved my job, or if I loved the company. As much as I enjoy the place I work and the people I work with, I can't see myself staying happy here. It feels like settling for something I never thought I'd do for too long, when there are a million other things I'd rather take a chance at.

And then there's the part of me that just wants the adventure...I've always saw myself moving somewhere else, and I'm at the point in my life where if I don't do it now, I won't do it ever. Better to pack up my life and start it fresh while I'm young, and single, and have nothing tying me down to Michigan.

I'm incredibly excited for this new chapter in my life to start. I can't wait to find new places, meet new people, build a new life from scratch.

But damn if I'm not terrified.

What if I get there and hate it? What if I find a job and can't stand it? What if the new friends I make can't compare to the ones I have now? What if the people I have in my life, the people I love dearly, forget about me when I'm 9 hours away?

What if I fail?

I could make myself crazy with the hundreds of "What ifs?" going through my head.

But I would make myself crazier if I didn't allow myself to take this chance.

There's something magical about a second chance. Of starting over where no one knows me...no one knows my history, my mistakes, my regrets. No one knows the things I've done to hurt people, or the people who have torn me to shreds. It's a chance to become someone completely different...or to improve on the person I already am.

And for all the worries, all the fear...there's so much more hope. And promise.

Not only will I be someone with no history, but all the people I meet? They'll be strangers - not people I've grown up with, not people I've worked with, not people who I have seen through all sorts of phases and pieces of their lives.

When I walk into a room, I won't be the girl who runs into walls all the time and trips over nothing (although god knows they'll see that in time). I won't be the girl who makes bad choice after bad choice. I won't be the girl who is outgoing and happy all the time. I won't have to be what people expect of me anymore, because no one will expect anything.

There's something freeing about a second chance.

I'll miss the people who really know me...The people who I trust, the people who I would call crying at 3am, the people who I could sit and watch movies and drink wine and laugh for hours with. I'll miss the people who know what I'm thinking just by the look in my eyes, the way my mouth twitches, the way my eyebrow raises slightly.

I'll miss getting in my car and driving to a friend's house without having to think about where I'm going. I'll miss the bars where they know my name. I'll miss the restaurant where I don't even have to say my order out loud.

I'll miss being able to drive by my grandparents' old houses, remembering where I came from. I'll miss the late night drives up and down roads I've been down so many times before. I'll miss the section of road I drive down that all at once calms me, and frees me, and gives me peace.

There's something heartbreaking about a second chance.

There's a lot of reasons to stay, but just as many to leave. And I think I owe it to myself to just let myself leap.

It's bittersweet, to be sure, but it's what I have to do. And while I will miss what I'm leaving, I look forward to all the possibilities I'll be gaining.

I'm terrified. I'm exhilarated. I'm nervous. I'm contemplative.

But the one thing I'm not is settling.

And that's all the encouragement I need to know that this is the right choice.

Another year older, another year wiser?

Well, it's official. I'm twenty-eight and the same age as my mother (although she has thirty years of experience behind her as well).

Looking back at the last year, I can only hope that twenty-eight goes better than twenty-seven did.

Don't get me wrong. I am a much stronger person than I was at this time last year. I've made it through some rough patches and done a fairly good job of it. I am more confident, happier, smarter....

But looking back....I did A LOT of stupid things this past year. I mean, a lot. I put myself in situations that I never would have imagined myself in before. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of. I let myself be fairly hedonistic and didn't think twice about over-consuming in any of the tempting areas I found myself. And while I had some great times, I also had way too many moments of regret.

I've learned from the mistakes. Yet I repeat them over and over again. This past weekend is a prime example - I acted without thinking and made some choices that I, once again, am finding myself regretting. I can't take it back and I can't dwell on it, so I've come up with a new plan: REALLY learn from it. I won't beat myself up over anything I've done - good or bad, they were my choices - but I will remember how I feel right now, and how I made other people feel, and I will remember that sometimes it pays to take a step back and look at the big picture.

So, twenty-seven? Went out with a bang.Twenty-eight? I expect to be a much more gentle ride. I'm looking forward to it.

RTT makes me sad, because it means I'm still very far away from Friday...

*I've been on a rollercoaster the last month or so and I feel like it's starting to settle down. I'm sorting things out in my life at the moment and trying to figure out who and what I want to be. If there is a handbook out there for this, please, someone, let me know.

*Been feeling lonely lately. Spring. It does that to me. Stupid season. Doesn't it know I'm supposed to be independent and strong? Heh.

*Winter semester is over and I am off school for 4 months. I'd be psyched for all the free time but work is going to take over my life at least until the end of June, so, well...gotta do what I gotta do, I guess.

*I am free!! A week earlier than expected! I haven't really posted about any of this, and I'm sure I will soon, so you can just wait on that...


*Softball season is officially underway. My work team? Kicks ass. We had our first game last night and won 18-6, or something like that. And I made a couple good plays.
My other team? We have room for improvement :-) I have full confidence that we'll do it though. I need to hit the batting cages this week, at least once.

*My elbows are incredibly dry. I think I've become immune to all my usual fixes. Anyone have good lotion recommendations?

*I have a tan. In April. This is unheard of for me. (And yes, my tan is another person's ghostly white, but whatever. I have sensitive alabaster skin. Anything other than translucent, blue, or tomato red is a miracle.)

*Thanks to last week's Glee I am on a Madonna kick. So if you happen to see me, and I happen to burst into 'Express Yourself' or 'Like a Prayer'? Don't say I didn't warn you.

I'll give you the best of me, but you won't see the rest of me....

So, what better way to end a blogging dry spell than by jumping into the Spin Cycle? This week, Jen over at Sprite's Keeper asked us to pick out our favorite blog, and repost that.

Well, I don't have just one. So I'm rebelling. And these aren't necessarily my favorites, but ones that have some kind of meaning to me, or tell you the most about who I am. And I'm just posting a link, and a couple lines about why you should read it. I've picked up a few new readers recently (until I disappeared for weeks, probably) so this is as good an intro to the crazy but wonderful but terrible but entertaining world of Andrea.

Here goes....

"No, those are NOT my Magnum condoms...."
One of my most popular posts - it's how several people found me, after it was featured on Good Mom/Bad Mom. Reading back over it now, I still crack up. And turn red. This story has made the rounds, including at my work. Some things can really only happen to me....

So yes, been there. Done that. Laughed about it afterwards. Sometimes for years, because some of those stories just won't die....

But until tonight, I have never know true mortification.

"Crawling in the Dark"
My struggles, living with a chronic, painful illness. It's a side of me that I try not to show all that often - who wants people knowing they have weaknesses? But to know me is to know this, so here it is.

In the three years since then, I have been to the doctor more times than I care to count. I have had more blood drawn than seems humanly possible, and spent far too much money on medication and Icy-Hot. Not quite what I imagined my life would be like at 26.
I have been lucky.

"my first spin cycle"
This is getting posted only cause it's the first, and I just saw it. The topic was 'poetry' and I was apparently feeling quite angsty. In haiku form.

bitter.
three small words break me
again, pieces in your hands.
yea, well, fuck you too
(how can i still miss you?)

"and this is why i will never settle for anything less than everything"
My parents were celebrating their 30th anniversary. Of their engagement. It reminded me how lucky I was to have them, and their example. I can't say enough good things about my parents. I love them in ridiculous amounts.

Yes, my parents are that couple....The couple that if you are a stranger walking behind them at the grocery store, you will undoubtedly notice the way that when they are walking side-by-side, their hands just automatically find each other.

"The best I can give you is the worst part of me"
This was actually what I posted for my 'worst' blog as a spin cycle last summer. And part of why I had chosen it was because I was letting my guard down - which is exactly why I'm posting it now.

I AM genuinely happy for all the people I care about, but it just reminds me of my failures. And my failures? Not something I want the world to see. In this post, it's just me, being honest, and putting my heart out there for everyone to explore. And losing my usual cover of strength and independence? Scary.

"I barely have the breath to breathe"
Another honest post. It's odd that I will say anything here, but in real life? I hide it all.

Have you ever woken up one morning and wondered where the hell you were?

I’m not talking about that sinking feeling in your stomach you get after a one-night stand,
where you literally have no idea where you are, although that is part of this--I’m talking
about that sinking feeling in your soul when you suddenly realize you have no idea how your life got to this point.

"A letter to me, age 17"
Another Spin Cycle post - this was a free spin and I got it into my head that I should write a letter to myself, ten years ago. It's a favorite because I honestly wish I could go back in time and share this with her.

You aren't getting married in the next ten years anyway, and looking back, you'll realize that you should've just slept with him and at least had your first time mean something, instead of waking up after a night of heavy drinking on an air mattress after losing it to some guy you just met. (FYI - This might still happen. In that case, there IS a house alarm, and sneaking off at 6.30am? Won't work.)

"Hell yea, I have someone I love this Valentine's Day"
Yet another Spin Cycle. Jen makes me write better, apparently :-) I love this one, because it reminds me of how far I've come.

This year though? I'm forgetting about the past. This year, I am dedicating the day to myself, and reminding myself why I love who I am. I am celebrating me, and I'm gonna buy myself some flowers, and I am going to remember that I do just fine on my own, thank you very much...

One day I'll figure out what I want to be when I grow up....

When I was a kid, I would reach for the stars. My potential career list included rockstar, teacher, garbagewoman, astronaut, archaeologist, gymnast, doctor, artist, and lord knows what else. By the time I hit puberty, I had started to narrow the focus a little more to things slightly more realistic - writer, journalist, teacher, or similar. When I started college, I knew I was going to be a writer. Whether it was a Pulitzer-winning journalist, or a New York Times best-selling novelist, I was going to make a name for myself.

Now? I may as well be six-years-old again, drawing pictures of myself, waving out the window of a spaceship.

When I started college again last winter, I was set on a business degree. After living through ups and downs for years, stability and practicality sounded good. I reasoned that even if I didn't have a lot of interest in a lot of the classes, I could fake my way through, and still do well enough to insure a graduation with honors.

Recently, I've been rethinking that decision. I've been thinking back to the classes I've taken that I liked - LOVED - and excelled in. I've been wondering if I'd ever get as excited about accounting or salesmanship as I did about speech and interpersonal communications. I've been realizing that I am not nearly analytical enough to get through another two years of business courses. And I've been reading the course descriptions for my upcoming curriculum, and already starting to dread next Fall.

And then it hit me - Why would I do this to myself? Why should I suffer through painfully boring prerequisites only to get to a program that is "practical"? A program that, as much as I've tried to psyche myself up for, I am dreading. I'm looking ahead a year and a half, and I can see myself just struggling to pass classes, trying to keep interest long enough to make sure I get a C. I can actually see myself being happy with mediocrity, and that? Is not something I'm willing to settle for.

A few months ago I started tossing around the idea of changing my major. Of getting out of the College of Business. Of never taking another economics class, or discussing legalities of contracts, or worrying about how in the hell I'm going to manage to pass finance and accounting classes. And I started looking at other options.

Yesterday, I made a [not-yet-set-in-stone] decision: I am going to change my major. I am going to get back to what I love - what I'm good at - and focus on Communications. And right now, I'm leaning towards a minor in Psychology.

The good news? This won't add any more years to my schooling. I already have a few of the prereqs covered for both of those programs. And looking through the class lists, and what I would have to take? I'm interested. I WANT to take Listening Behavior, and Intercultural Communication, and yes, okay, The Psychology of Sex. There isn't a single thing on the course lists that makes me shudder, or makes me question what I've gotten myself into - definitely unlike the requirements for that Marketing degree, which made my eyes glaze over just by reading the titles...

So, I have a plan. I'm starting to make the pieces fall into place. I've emailed the advising office, to make sure I didn't miss something completely obvious, and that my theory that I'll be able to do this in the same amount of time isn't way off-base. And I emailed the HR manager at work, to see if this degree will be any better or worse than a business degree. From conversations before I started school, it'll be fine, but I want to make sure before I commit to anything.

Right now I'm in hold, but I can't wait to figure out if this is the way to go. I'm moving forward, and at the moment, that's really all that matters.

Happiness damn near destroys you...

The Fray has a song I absolutely love called Happiness.

One of the verses is something I've had quite a lot of experience with:

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that's probably enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

I think we all feel like that sometimes, don't we? Often it is because we're so happy, we could burst, or we're so happy, we just know something is going to come along and mess it up. As Charles Schultz said, through the mouth of Charlie Brown, "I think I'm afraid to be happy, because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens."

The last several months, I haven't been happy. I was happy. I was thrilled with how my life was going. I finally had a grip on things. And then, suddenly, life threw me a curveball, and things got messed up, and I went to the dark place. And right now, I'm finally starting to pull myself out (with a lot of help from a lot of people).

Am I going to stop letting myself be happy? No. Am I going to be afraid to feel joy, because I'm sure sorrow will follow? No. After all, without pain, pleasure wouldn't be half as sweet. Without tears, smiles wouldn't be so beautiful. The things that don't kill us make us stronger. As a favorite Hemingway quote says, "The world breaks everyone and afterward, many are stronger at the broken places."

I'm a survivor. I can get through anything, be it a failed relationship, a disappointing grade, a moment of weakness, a complete mistake of my own making, or anything else the world throws at me. And I will feel pain, and I will be broken again. But I am confident in knowing that I'll also be myself again...and that one day, when I least expect it, without knowing how or why or from where it came, happiness will find its way back to me, and it will feel all the better for having made it through the rain.

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you'll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she'll be home

*************
Go visit Jen and check out other spins this week!

see i don't know why i don't fall in love...

So, as I have mentioned a couple times now, I started seeing a therapist last Thursday. Tomorrow is my second appointment.

It's odd how much easier it is to talk to a complete stranger than it is to your best friends, sometimes.

I'm hoping this will be beneficial. More and more I look at my life and wonder how I got to where I am, and when I became the way I am. I wasn't always this cynical. I used to believe in true love and happily ever after. I used to let people in a lot easier. That's probably part of my trouble now. I've been let down, broken down, too many times to want to try again.

Maybe seeing her will help me understand why I go for the quick fix instead of something lasting. I'd like to eventually get past that. I'm sick of having these...moments. That's what I feel like every 'relationship' I've been in over the last several years has been - a series of moments that don't connect to me or my life or my heart in any significant way. I always have a foot and a half out the door, ready to run at the first sign of something more than the initial infatuation. Hell, I've let some great guys go, and pushed others away, because of it. At some point, I'd like that to stop.

And if talking my new therapist's ears off for the next few months helps, then that is what I'm going to do.

RTT: Getting it in under the wire

Holy crap. It's Tuesday. Almost Wednesday. How did that happen?

^ School started last Wednesday. I made a color-coded calendar, with all my homework and quizzes and exams and papers and whatever else....I am having anxiety just looking at it. New blog entries will likely be few and far between this semester.

^ I recently cleaned my room and in doing so, cleaned out my dresser. I found several bras that were of the flimsy variety - and in a B cup. These days, the ladies are definitely Ds. It was nice to have a good reason to explore the Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual sale. It was even nicer to get the 3 cute new bras I ordered today. Nothing will make a girl feel hotter than new lingerie (even if only one is of the sexy-hot variety - the other two are cute, and supportive, without being scary three-inch wide straps and 5 hooks up the back)

^ Another order I'm waiting on - my new yoga DVDs, including Yoga for Inflexible People. This is supposed to be great for people with RA, so I'm looking forward to it. I miss how bendy I used to be.

^ I have had a song stuck in my head for days. I have no idea what it is, who sings it, what the actual words are, or the real tune. In my head it just goes 'mmm mmmmmm mm mmmm mmm'. If you have any idea what I'm talking about, let me know :-)

^ As I mentioned last Tuesday, I started seeing a therapist last week. I have a second appointment on Thursday this week. So far, I like her. She is very no-nonsense which is what I need.

^ I did something like 20 loads of laundry between January 2 and last night.

^ My eyes are not really staying open anymore.

^ I think it's beddtime.

^ I'll leave you with this - apparently it is 'Retro Picture Week' on Facebook. I don't know if this is real or just one of my friends deciding, but in any case, I wanted to share my lovely picture.

Is that not the creepiest damn thing you've ever seen? I scare myself sometimes.


Anyway, go back up, and click the link to visit Keely, and find other random thinkers :-)

Just clean my head up doc, I'll give you anything you want (Not- so-R TT)

Thursday after work I have my first session with a therapist.

I've been thinking about finding one for a while - any of you who have been keeping up with my sporadic posting over the last several months can probably see how up and down I've been - last year was a rough year.

I'm not really sure how I feel about therapy. I think it can be beneficial, obviously, but I don't know how I'll do talking about things with a stranger. I can't talk about half of what's on my mind with my closest friends - why do I think someone I've never met will be any different?

Or maybe that's what will help me...I don't know.

I just know that I need to do something before I implode. And if talking to an objective party could help, well, I'd be an idiot not to try.

Have any of you been in therapy? Did it help? (Feel free to email if you aren't comfortable leaving a comment about it. I'm curious)

I guess if anything, maybe I'll start to figure out why I'm so fucked up when it comes to love/relationships. That'd be a good start.

And also, maybe I'll be able to overcome my fear of rectangles....(anyone who gets the reference? Officially my hero.)