Driving Round in Circles (2011, Revisited): A year in music

It was a roller coaster of a year for me. There were a lot of ups and downs, and a lot of changes. I lost friends I thought I'd have forever, and made amazing new ones. I struggled with how to balance my old life and my new life. I fought the thought of relationships and ended up falling into old patterns with people from the past. I decided on a huge life change, and made it happen. I said goodbye to people I love. I started a new life. It was a year of ups and downs, of heartache and hardening, of regret and release, but, for the first time in a long time, it's a year that ends with hope.

Here is my year and the songs that got me through it. I was going to post something about each of them, but there's some that are just a little too personal. I just picked some lyrics that were appropriate.

If you would like to download, here is the link. It's also published on Spotify.

Happy New Year to you all!

 

Lay Me Down – The Wreckers

So shut your mouth
And hold me close
We both know
It's better than being alone

Just Tonight – The Pretty Reckless

Just tonight I will stay
And we'll throw it all away
When the light hits your eyes
It's telling me I'm right

Locked Up – Ingrid Michaelson

Love, love, love is everywhere
But not a drop for me to drink
Tie me up and bind my feet
Drop me in and watch me sink
Like an angry apple tree
I throw my apples if you get too close to me

I Hope that I Don’t Fall in Love With You – Tom Waits

Well the music plays and you display your heart for me to see,
I had a beer and now I hear you calling out for me
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you

Fairytale – Sara Bareilles

So I sing and hold my head down and I break these walls round me
Can't take no more of your fairytale love

cause I don't care for your fairytales
You're so worried about the maiden though you know
She's only waiting on the next best thing

Set Fire to the Rain – Adele

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt something die
Cause I knew that was the last time

Bulletproof – La Roux

Been there, done that, messed around
I'm having fun, don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet

Jar of Hearts – Christina Perri

I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

Her Diamonds – Rob Thomas

Oh what the hell she said
I just can't win for losing
And she lays back down
Man, there's so many times
I don't know what I'm doing
Like I don't know now

Happiness is – Verve Pipe

Have you ever felt so out of place

That the smile on your face

Was to keep from cryin’

I don’t know how we get so out of touch

But I don’t want much

Just to keep on tryin’

Goodbye – Drive By Truckers

We were really great friends and I always thought
that it would be that way
Yet I wonder if I'd know you if the guy that I saw
last walked in here today

Gathering Dust – David Gray

I got no reason
But that I must
Maybe I feel
Like I've been gatherin' dust

Melt My Heart to Stone – Adele

Why do you steal my hand
Whenever I'm standing my own ground
You build me up, then leave me dead

Sway – Heartless Bastards

I looked into the eyes, the eyes of everyone I know
And the days go by wondering where to go
I was searching all, searching all the time

Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) – Green Day

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go

So make the best of this test, and don't ask why

It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

Rewind – Stereophonics

'Cause change is okay

What's the point in staying the same

Regrets, forget what's dead and gone

If you could rewind your time

Would you change your life?

               

The House That Built Me – Miranda Lambert

You leave home, you move on

and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world

and forgot who I am.

I’m Movin’ On – Rascal Flatts

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons

Finally content with a past I regret

I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness

For once I'm at peace with myself

I have been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long

I'm movin' on

Second Chance – Shinedown

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

Free and Easy (Down the Road I Go) – Dierks Bentley

Can't take it with you when you go so
Free and easy down the road I go
Someday I know it's gonna take me home so
Free and easy down the road I go

Home – Foo Fighters

Wish I were with you
I couldn't stay
Every direction
Leads me away

Are We There Yet – Ingrid Michaelson

They say that home is where the heart is
I guess I haven't found my home
And we keep driving round in circles
Afraid to call this place our own

On the Road to Find Out – Cat Stevens

Then I found my head one day when I wasn't even trying
And here I have to say, 'cause there is no use in lying, lying
Yes the answer lies within, so why not take a look now?

Again Today/Hiding My Heart – Brandi Carlile

Who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today/

But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Let the Rain – Sara Bareilles

And if I were fearless
Then I'd speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That's what I wish I'd do

Here We Go Again – Justin Townes Earle

Now I like to think that

I’m no fool for love

I can’t help but feel as though

I play one every time

Little Miss – Sugarland

Little miss, brand new start
Little miss, do your part
Little miss, big old heart beats wide open and she's ready now for love
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win

Fearless – Colbie Cailat

If it's between love and losing

or to never have known the feeling

I'd still side with love

and if I end up lonely

at least I will be there knowing

I believed in love

Many the Miles – Sara Bareilles

Cause I've had my fair share of take care and goodbyes
I've learned how to cry
And I'm better for that

Turning Tables – Adele

I can't keep up with your turning tables

under your thumb, I can't breathe

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me

No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me

I can't give you, what you think you gave me

It's time to say goodbye to turning tables

Further North – Jets to Brazil

This year took ten years to tell me that I’m alone again…

Everything here's about to break.
I'm one inch from all that I can take,
and it's beautiful and sad, but it's all that I have

Shake it Out – Florence + The Machine

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

Life is Beautiful – Vega4

Life is beautiful, but it's complicated.
We barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles, miracles.

Skyscraper – Demi Lovato

As the smoke clears, I awaken
And untangle you from me
Would it make you, feel better
To watch me while I bleed?
All my windows still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet

What a Year for a New Year – Dan Wilson

Soon we'll be lying in our beds

And new dreams will fill our heads

And the old ones will be ended

Hope we'll forget about this place

Let it go without a trace

Wipe the teardrops from our faces

What a year for a new year

And I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance...

Oh, 2010. Sometimes saying goodbye is really rather easy.
It was a mostly good year...the highlights were wonderful - I met some amazing people, a couple of whom have become a couple of my closest friends. It's hard to believe that a year ago I hadn't met them yet, as we easily fell into friendships that seem like they've lasted a lifetime. I got to spend Christmas with my whole immediate family, something that hadn't happened since 2003. I started to really gain some self-confidence, which was something I had been lacking the previous 27 years. I got my own place and in just over two months, have really turned it into a home.
But as always, there were plenty of dark spots on the year. I made some mistakes, and I'm sure I'll make some of them again. I hurt some people. I hurt myself. I wasted time worrying about things that I couldn't change. I wasted time trying to change things I couldn't. I lost myself more times than I care to remember, and I'm still not sure that I'm growing into the woman I want to be.
I've kept myself closed off from so many things. I want so badly to be the happy, successful, independent woman that I maybe turned my back on anything that got in the way...including a couple chances at relationships that, while they may or may not have worked out, could have been something I needed. I never trusted anyone enough to let them in, to believe they wouldn't hurt me. I continued to look at everything with the cold eyes that I've gotten so good at seeing out of.
And that is what disappoints me the most about this year - that I didn't even let myself try. That I didn't take any risks. That I said, "Oh no, I know better - I know that this will never go anywhere. I know that you're just going to make me cry in the end, so let's not call it anything more than it is. And we can go our separate ways, and I can keep being the girl who doesn't care about love."
Well. That was stupid.
Am I really better off not having let myself fall? Am I happier tonight, alone and avoiding people than I would be if I were with someone who may not have been perfect? Did I cry less this year than last? Has my heart broken fewer times? Has it ever even healed from the last time? Don't I owe it to myself to let myself believe in someone other than myself?

So. I don't have any New Year's resolutions. But I do have a new goal in my life - this year and every one after that. Keep my heart open. Let it make some decisions. Stop overthinking everything. Stop assuming the worst out of every situation just because that's all I've had in the past. Believe that the best way to finally heal a broken heart is to let it bleed again. Stop settling for all the moments of the past - all the moments that have just led to regret and tears with no one to help dry them. Let myself take some chances, make some mistakes, but know that they are leading somewhere other than a lifetime of keeping myself apart from any chance of love I'll ever have. Keep dreaming. Let love in.

Welcome, 2011. I can't wait to meet you in a couple hours with open arms and an open heart.

What a year for a new year...

So, 2009 is just over 10 hours from its completion, and in what seems to be a growing consensus, I will not be sad to see it go.

Truthfully, there was a lot of good in my life this year. It's easy to look past that when I think about all the rough things I've dealt/am dealing with, but I can't honestly say that everything that happened in the last year of the decade was awful.

Overall, it was an incredibly challenging year for me - personally, professionally, scholastically.

By far, the biggest change in my life this year was returning to school after several years of working fulltime. In January, I dove into a full credit load schedule, not having any idea how I was going to do it, but planning on giving it my all. I ended my first semester back with a 3.57, and made the Dean's List. I also was awarded a scholarship from my college that will last until I graduate, and take at least a little bit of student loans off my back. This past semester I ended up dropping classes after an unrelated event caused me to completely lose focus, but I still pulled it out, and I finish the year as a college junior (9 years after starting college courses) and with a 3.42 GPA. Next year I plan on returning to two full semesters, and 2 courses over the spring and summer, and I am fully planning on kicking ass and taking names.

At work, I think I did a good job of staying focused and getting things done. Because of my school schedule, I ended up working quite a lot of nights and weekends over the last year, and spending many days close to ripping my hair out. My team has been shorthanded all year, and my desk showed the extra jobs I was taking on. It was stressful, it was crazy, but in the end, I know my work is appreciated, and I feel confident in knowing that I'm not only getting by, I'm building a career.

Personally, there were far more downs than ups. That's all I'm saying about that, other than at times, I'm surprised I made it through without having a full-fledged breakdown. Also, I have learned more about myself and what I'm capable of handling in the last three months than maybe the last two decades. And I've grown up more in the last three months than I ever would have thought possible.

So, 2009. Goodbye, good ridance. Thanks for the lessons, thanks for the memories, wish you woulda skipped over the shit luck. Won't miss you. At all.

2010, let's hear it for a fresh start and second chances. Try to not screw us all over too bad, k?

Happy New Year lovies! Tomorrow, resolutions? We'll see...