I can take care of myself. I can. I'm fiercely independent, and have no problem being alone. But recently, as I see more and more friends getting engaged, getting married, getting pregnant...growing up...it reminds me that however successful I am professionally, my personal life has never been anything but a mess. Normally I don't mind...I know my life will work out how it's supposed to, and I've never been one to mind being single (and fabulous!) but the sudden influx of happy news from every other person I know has started to wear on me. I AM genuinely happy for all the people I care about, but it just reminds me of my failures. And my failures? Not something I want the world to see. In this post, it's just me, being honest, and putting my heart out there for everyone to explore. And losing my usual cover of strength and independence? Scary.
And that...that is why this post from last autumn is my worst post. Because re-reading it now, I can feel exactly how I felt then...and I realize that with all the hopeful promise of every new man I've met since then, or budding relationships, or imagined spark that flew, nothing has changed since then.
i made a promise to my heart to never let a soul inside.... (10/12/08)
the thing about me is that i'm not a forward person. i find it very difficult to just come out and say things face-to-face. i need a computer screen or a cell phone or a piece of paper to get anything out in a semi-eloquent way.
this factor of my personality is generally what leads to heartache for me. i've grown accustomed to coming in second place. i live life well as a runner-up on so many things, and the last couple years have really shown that to me.
in my head i know that i should just take the bull by the horns, jump in head first, etc. but the rest of me is terrified of the result. i fear making things awkward, and getting hurt more in the process. but is it easier to stand idly by and watch what i want slip through my fingers, or actually take the leap, get shot down, but at least know?
the awful part of me - the wildly insecure and still slightly timid part of me - expected something like this to happen. i've never known anything close to a happy ending before, so why would i think that all of a sudden life and love would just fall perfectly into place? it's a road i've been down many, many times, and maybe part of the problem is that i never fully invest myself in something, because a giant piece of me remains convinced it'll end badly.
i've been an optimist for years. glass half-full, see the rainbow through the rain, sunshine is only a cloudy day away.....but somehow, the positive outlook never gets around to my love life. in that area, i am a cynical, realistic pessimist. with the soul of a romantic. no wonder i always am disappointed so badly.
it's getting late and i'm getting no comfort out of words tonight, which is a change from the norm. i'm going to finish my glass of wine and go to bed, and hope that when i wake up tomorrow i'll have magically gained some perspective.
but i'm not counting on it.
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4 comments:
I don't know if any of this will make you feel better but...
Remember: There are plenty of guys out there feeling the same way. But like the song says - "No one can fill those of your needs that you won't let show."
Or how about this, from Jackson Browne's latest album, he writes about how friendship can often evolve into something more:
"A friend will tell you all kinds of stuff
That a lover won't
And you would think you would see love coming
But of course, you don't"
Just try to keep your eyes, your ears and your heart open.
I like Jim's comment... (Thanks Jim, though I don't know you)
Andrea,
You are an amazing woman, a genuine friend, and a helluva chart maker ;).
Give yourself more credit - it's really not about you, it's about the fact that you've just yet to meet your Mr. Wonderful. He ***IS*** out there somewhere, you just have to search your heart to figure out where to find him. It's not about you not living up to some dude's ideas, it's about the dudes being duds. Have you thought about doing an online match thing? I know seriously like 3 or 4 couples that have met on either match or eharmony. And they are either married, happily together or probably going to get married after dating a little longer. It's better than the randomness of a bar-meet-up. Maybe you should try that, or speed dating. And perhaps blog about that too - let us old married hags live vicariously through your wild man hunt! We are all rooting for you to find your happiness that you so deserve!!!
I'm sorry I didn't get this sooner!
I tend to find that life being lived cannot be edited. You can edit the hell out of a letter or email or even a post, because you're showing people what you want them to see, but when speaking off the cuff and just your raw thoughts are representing you, a lot of people become more timid. Even a phone can bolster confidence because you don't have to look at anyone.
Sometimes, you just have to take that leap. I used to be just this way.
In 1999, I took the leap and asked a guy out, something I had never done before.
In 2001, I married him.
Take a leap.
You're linked!
OK, first of all, the same thing happened to me. While I was in my twenties everybody else got married, got pregnant, etc. And I continued to date guys who annoyed the hell out of me after a few months. However, I just figured I was never going to get married, (because every guy I met was not marriage material - at least not for me). I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but you shouldn't let everyone else's happiness necessarily be a sign of your failures by comparison. As tempting as that is.
Your happiness should not be defined by how old you are when you get married. Half of your married friends will be divorced within 10 years, anyway. And THEN how happy will they be? So if you ever catch yourself moping, just think of THAT. (But not for long, it's not nice to think of bad things happening to your friends)
Also? I didn't get married until I was 34, so RELAX already!! Don't make me come over there and shake you.
;)
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