RTT: The problem is estrogen....

♥ I can find a Grey's quote for just about any situation. Probably because I am over-dramatic and talk too much, just like the characters on that show.

♥ Can I just say, my new birth control is totally fucking with me? I am so ridiculously moody now I'm just waiting for someone to slap me and yell at me to get ahold of myself. Someone asked me how I was today, and I about started crying into my coffee mug. WTF?! I do not like this.

♥ I am taking a few days off before school starts again, and they cannot get here fast enough. I haven't really taken any time off, other than being sick, since last May. I need a real vacation sometime soon - planning on one for spring break next year, with my best friend. That's too far away.

♥ Funny how a year changes everything.....

♥ Completely unrelated, but my old classmate at Birdie Royale is entering the Mad Men Casting Call and you should totally vote for her. She is absolutely stunning and a wonderful person. Plus it's super easy - just click that link, and click 'Vote' - You don't need to register or anything.

♥ Seriously. Eff this birth control. I just started tearing up over a sort-of compliment. This is ridiculous. I mean, I know I'm a sap, but I'm out of control right now.

♥ If it could be Friday when I wake up tomorrow, that would be fantastic.

♥ I'm working on a new story idea and I like it so far. It's all in my head though, I haven't started writing. Which means I'll get through 20 pages and then burn out.

♥ I hit my head in the pool on Saturday. Then Sunday I hit it on the freezer door. And a couple hours ago? Definitely banged the crap out of it on my car. I fail.

♥ 635 days until I graduate. Not that I'm counting.

♥ Oh, and yea....you can like me, too. All the cool kids are doing it!


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As always, go check out Keely for more Random Tuesday Thoughts!

RTT: On being a pansy, but also a badass

• A friend of mine posted this video on Facebook today. I'll admit it, I definitely shed some tears over it at work. It's silly and stupid but it reminds me of high school and watching that movie with good friends and singing that song in my first car, driving around at night and dreaming of a day when I'd find a love like that.

• I try to come off as a badass. I'm a fairly confident woman. I'm independent and fiercely stubborn. If you've been reading me for any length of time, you've seen this. But shit like this? Kills me.

• I think I put all my energy and emotion into songs, and movies, and TV shows, and books, and save nothing for real life. After spending the first twenty-five years or so of my life crying over everything, I'm pretty much done with that.

• That's not to say that I'm a heartless bitch now. I just don't wear my heart out on my sleeve so much anymore.

• But if y'all could actually know everything going on in this messed up little mind of mine? Whew. Let's just say I'm glad you can't.

• Obviously there are a few people who can read me no matter what. My sister is one of them. As is my momma.

• They've also known me twenty-eight years. It's the people who've known me much, much less that worry me. They're the ones who can hurt me. There are a few I can trust not to - those soul friends who are more like family - but it's those people who you've only just met that can really twist a knife in your back.

• Yet lately, I seem to be letting more and more of those people into my life. There are a couple in particular that stick out. And I hope that my gut reaction of trusting them doesn't lead to me getting hurt.

• There's a quote from Grey's Anatomy I love that relates to this: "Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without."

• That pretty much sums it up.

• And hey - speaking of my sister, why not like her on Facebook? If you like me, you'll love her!


• Oh, and yea....you can like me, too. All the cool kids are doing it!
 
• Bonus - my high school reunion was a couple weekends ago. I talked about it here, a little. Because I know you all love to see pictures, here is one of me all dolled up!

Don't I clean up nice?

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As always, go check out Keely for more Random Tuesday Thoughts!

Thinking randomly on a Tuesday...

☼ I have been having a lot of dreams set in my parents' old house lately. Very strange.

☼ My 10-year reunion is this coming Saturday. I got a new dress, and it isn't black, which is kind of a miracle. I'm sure I'll have some pictures of me and my friends lookin' gorgeous on Sunday, so I'll try to remember to post them :-)

☼ My birthday is next Monday! 28. Crazy how different my life is now than what I thought it would be. I have to say, I'm glad I'm not married with children as I always assumed I would be at this age.

☼ I have asked my Magic 8 Ball the same question every day for a week now. And every day it answers in the affirmative. That makes me happy. Not like I actually believe that it's seriously predicting the future, but it's nice to dream :-)

☼ Last week was the first week I haven't worked overtime since sometime in April. It's been nice being busy cause the time is flying, but it was also nice not having to work this weekend.

☼ My momma and daddy are getting into town on Friday!!! I haven't seen them since my birthday week last year, so I am very very excited. Even if I am going to be insanely busy.

☼ Part of the insanity? I just picked up another Sunday softball league. This one lasts through 8/15. My next team starts 8/8. I am hoping for no game time overlap. With at least an hour between games, since they are in different cities. I'm crazy.

☼ Speaking of softball, I took a line drive in the arm two weeks ago playing second base. It hurt.

I wish I had taken a picture of it after a few days. The bruise extended all the way up my arm, on both sides. I still have bruising and it actually still hurts a bit, two weeks later.

☼ Hoping I don't get any more disfiguring injuries this year.

☼ Also hoping work stays a little less crazy for a while. I don't think I can handle anymore crazy stress.

☼ It's been great for my diet though. Down 27 lbs now! WIN!

☼ As always, click the link up top to visit Keely, and find other random thinkers :-)

RTT makes me sad, because it means I'm still very far away from Friday...

*I've been on a rollercoaster the last month or so and I feel like it's starting to settle down. I'm sorting things out in my life at the moment and trying to figure out who and what I want to be. If there is a handbook out there for this, please, someone, let me know.

*Been feeling lonely lately. Spring. It does that to me. Stupid season. Doesn't it know I'm supposed to be independent and strong? Heh.

*Winter semester is over and I am off school for 4 months. I'd be psyched for all the free time but work is going to take over my life at least until the end of June, so, well...gotta do what I gotta do, I guess.

*I am free!! A week earlier than expected! I haven't really posted about any of this, and I'm sure I will soon, so you can just wait on that...


*Softball season is officially underway. My work team? Kicks ass. We had our first game last night and won 18-6, or something like that. And I made a couple good plays.
My other team? We have room for improvement :-) I have full confidence that we'll do it though. I need to hit the batting cages this week, at least once.

*My elbows are incredibly dry. I think I've become immune to all my usual fixes. Anyone have good lotion recommendations?

*I have a tan. In April. This is unheard of for me. (And yes, my tan is another person's ghostly white, but whatever. I have sensitive alabaster skin. Anything other than translucent, blue, or tomato red is a miracle.)

*Thanks to last week's Glee I am on a Madonna kick. So if you happen to see me, and I happen to burst into 'Express Yourself' or 'Like a Prayer'? Don't say I didn't warn you.

RTT: Things to look forward to...

*Almost two weeks ago, I became Auntie Andrea. No, this is not a child of my older sister, saradoxical, for those of you who know her and would be wondering why she hasn't mentioned it. There's more on this soon - for now, I give you this lovely picture of me and my new nephew:

*My beautiful Mommie Dearest (yes, that is exactly what my sister and I called her until we learned better..) gave me an award. That'll be up soon.

*The entertaining and fabulous Jess also bestowed an award on my unworthy ass. A couple weeks ago, actually. I've been busy. You'll see that in the next few days.

*More posts from the 30-Day writing challenge.

*The semester is coming to an end. Only a couple more weeks. No spring and summer classes this year, so hopefully y'all will be hearing more from me.

*It's been a rough month or two, but things can only get better...right?

RTT: Spring is coming and I'm invincible.

*Spring is in the air. It's slightly less cold when I wake up at 4.30am to go to the gym. It's making it slightly more bearable to leave my warm, cozy bed. And by the time I drive to work? I can hear birds singing. And the sun is shining. Love.

*Spring is my co-favorite season with autumn. Spring because of new beginnings. A clean slate. Everything is new and fresh. I always believed that if I ever fell in love, it would happen in the springtime. Not counting on it this year, but we'll see how next year goes.

*For the last week and a half I have been unstoppable. Nothing's getting me down. Sure, I have things I'm stressed about, as always, but for the first time in a really, really, REALLY long time, I don't feel like I'm drowning. And it feels damn good.

*What also feels good? Being 7 pounds down after my first week back on Weight Watchers. You can track my progress (and read what I think are funny stories) at my other blog, Loving Me Naked.

*I'm wearing a bright pink Snuggie right now. I only had on light PJ pants and a tank top, and I got chilly. Don't judge me.

*I have been re-reading some favorite books lately. Three of them are by Liza Palmer, one of my favorite authors. Every book she writes speaks to a different part of me, and reading all three, back to back? I feel drained and hopeful and exhausted and sad and joyful and inspired all at once. It's amazing. Eventually I'll be posting reviews of them, because they're that fantastic. Her second novel is called 'Seeing Me Naked' and was the inspiration for my new blog title.

*The other book I just finished re-reading was The Next Thing on My List by Jill Smolinski. Again, it got me thinking. If I had a list of 20 things to do by the time I was 30, what would they be? Finish school, for one. Hit my goal weight. Skydive. Hit my goal weight. Other than that, though? I have no idea. I always saw the big things for me happening after that age, if they happen at all - getting married, having kids....And those aren't things that I'm tied to. I guess I really don't have 'goals', just things that I would do if the opportunity arose. I wonder what that says about me...

*Meijer's Churned-Style Light Chocolate Moose Tracks ice cream? Freaking amazing. Totally worth 3 points a serving. Way more satisfying than just fat-free chocolate or something. Yum!

*Yes, I realize that I just went from what could turn into an insightful revelation into my inner workings, to raving about ice cream. It's just easier.

RTT: A day late, but I'm on my own damn time

My lovely sister found this lovely layout at Yummy Lolly and thought of me.

So I'm using it now.

It snowed. I can't leave my apartment. Because of this:

I really don't feel like giving myself a heart attack trying to shovel that out.

At least it means I get to work from home in sweatpants.

Time to track down some food!

RTT: Holy Productive Tuesday, Batman!

*The boots I ordered have shipped! I should hopefully have them tomorrow, and I am super pumped. I am crossing my fingers that they'll fit perfectly, or at least decently. I can't wait for tall boots and tights :-)

*My 10 year reunion is being planned, and one of the ideas being kicked around is a dinner cruise. It sounds like a great time in theory, but in reality, do I really want to be stuck on a boat with 200 people for 4 hours?

*I was incredibly productive today. Cooked for the week, cleaned the kitchen, straightened up my room, took my lit quiz (100%, thank you!), did my taxes, filed my FAFSA...I am loving Tuesdays this semester. I get so much done!

*I've taken to calling the bottom shelf of my big bookcase my 'nerd shelf' - it has my Harry Potter books, and the books about Harry Potter from a class I took - my Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit box set...My copy of 'The Princess Bride'...My 'Office Space Kit'...'America' by Jon Stewart. I'm a nerd. But I embrace it.

*I started ripping CDs onto my computer this weekend. I think I've done about 50 so far. Only about 600 more to go....

*Time to make some hot chocolate and then go to bed. Long day tomorrow - work and then class, and I have a quiz in Business Stats. Ugh.


As always, go visit Keely for more random thoughts!

RTT: I think I can, I think I can.

~Every time I get the question, "Love or money?" I choose money. Is that so bad?

~I just downloaded a new ringtone. It may or may not be Christina Aguilera, 'Keeps Gettin Better'. What can I say? It gets me pumped up.

~I have been listening to some old school music lately. It's taking me back to high school, and the few years immediately following, and it's amazing what a song can do.

~I think I'm already getting the reputation in my online lit class of being contrary. It's not that I honestly disagree with everything that people say on the boards, it's just that they all (literally - ALL) agree with everything the professor says in his lecture, and don't even seem to try to form their own opinions. How much does that drive me crazy?

~I just tried yoga for the first time. I am bendier than I thought I was. I also have absolutely no balance. I foresee many bruises in my future.

~I also just made healthy lunches for the rest of the week. And banana nut muffins. Yum.

~My dreams lately have been out of control. I don't even know where to start on that. Oi.

~I am definitely overwhelmed right now with everything I have going on. Work is insane, and it keeps getting busier, and I keep taking more things on. At least I'm making myself more valuable there. And I'll get through it. I just need to remember to breathe. And maybe lock myself in a soundproof room and scream. That would work too.

~I am definitely considering ignoring some of my homework tonight and going to bed at 9 o'clock.

As always, click the link up top to visit Keely, and find other random thinkers :-)

RTT: Getting it in under the wire

Holy crap. It's Tuesday. Almost Wednesday. How did that happen?

^ School started last Wednesday. I made a color-coded calendar, with all my homework and quizzes and exams and papers and whatever else....I am having anxiety just looking at it. New blog entries will likely be few and far between this semester.

^ I recently cleaned my room and in doing so, cleaned out my dresser. I found several bras that were of the flimsy variety - and in a B cup. These days, the ladies are definitely Ds. It was nice to have a good reason to explore the Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual sale. It was even nicer to get the 3 cute new bras I ordered today. Nothing will make a girl feel hotter than new lingerie (even if only one is of the sexy-hot variety - the other two are cute, and supportive, without being scary three-inch wide straps and 5 hooks up the back)

^ Another order I'm waiting on - my new yoga DVDs, including Yoga for Inflexible People. This is supposed to be great for people with RA, so I'm looking forward to it. I miss how bendy I used to be.

^ I have had a song stuck in my head for days. I have no idea what it is, who sings it, what the actual words are, or the real tune. In my head it just goes 'mmm mmmmmm mm mmmm mmm'. If you have any idea what I'm talking about, let me know :-)

^ As I mentioned last Tuesday, I started seeing a therapist last week. I have a second appointment on Thursday this week. So far, I like her. She is very no-nonsense which is what I need.

^ I did something like 20 loads of laundry between January 2 and last night.

^ My eyes are not really staying open anymore.

^ I think it's beddtime.

^ I'll leave you with this - apparently it is 'Retro Picture Week' on Facebook. I don't know if this is real or just one of my friends deciding, but in any case, I wanted to share my lovely picture.

Is that not the creepiest damn thing you've ever seen? I scare myself sometimes.


Anyway, go back up, and click the link to visit Keely, and find other random thinkers :-)

Just clean my head up doc, I'll give you anything you want (Not- so-R TT)

Thursday after work I have my first session with a therapist.

I've been thinking about finding one for a while - any of you who have been keeping up with my sporadic posting over the last several months can probably see how up and down I've been - last year was a rough year.

I'm not really sure how I feel about therapy. I think it can be beneficial, obviously, but I don't know how I'll do talking about things with a stranger. I can't talk about half of what's on my mind with my closest friends - why do I think someone I've never met will be any different?

Or maybe that's what will help me...I don't know.

I just know that I need to do something before I implode. And if talking to an objective party could help, well, I'd be an idiot not to try.

Have any of you been in therapy? Did it help? (Feel free to email if you aren't comfortable leaving a comment about it. I'm curious)

I guess if anything, maybe I'll start to figure out why I'm so fucked up when it comes to love/relationships. That'd be a good start.

And also, maybe I'll be able to overcome my fear of rectangles....(anyone who gets the reference? Officially my hero.)

RTT: Love and loss on a windy Tuesday

I'm not quite sure what's going to make its way from my brain to my fingertips right now...my mind's been spinning quite a lot lately...

*It's amazing how one short conversation or exchange can push someone to the front of your mind.

*Thanksgiving is next week. Where did this year go?

*Someone I know just lost his grandfather, whom he was extremely close to - he called him the most influential person in his life. My heart goes out to him right now...

*...especially since it takes me back to when I lost my Gramma K. It'll be 5 years on December 9th, and I still think about her daily, and wonder if she's out there, somewhere, proud of the woman I'm becoming. I hope so. She was the best woman I've known, and if I become half the person she was, I'll be happy.

*My next tattoo (which my fabulous and talented sister will also be getting) will be a tribute to both our Polish heritage, and our grandmother. I'm hoping to get the design done and approved in the next few weeks, although disposable income is in short supply at the moment, so it'll likely be a while before we actually get these.

*I'm suddenly starting to get back to glass half-full, and it feels amazing.

*Last night I posted one of my favorite quotes on Facebook - "Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life, and love shouldn't be one of them." (Dream for an Insomniac)

*I need to keep that in mind. And remember that I'm not willing to settle or compromise.

*With my re-found optimism comes my unfailing faith in true love and happy endings. I'm just older and wiser now, and realize that neither of those things looks the way you expected it to at sixteen.

*Is it too early to put up my Charlie Brown Christmas tree at work?

*I keep changing my answers for The Great Interview Experiment. Someday the very lovely Velvet Verbosity will get my answers back. And in the next day or two, the also very lovely Mel will have questions to answer.

*By the way, if you haven't gotten in on the GIE action, you really should. Follow that link up there and visit the great Neilochka

*If you're a fan of fine (and not-so-fine) art, I suggest you check this out

*That's a lot of links.

RTT: Aren't all my thoughts random?

So, as I have no time anymore to actually post, I figured I would jump on the RTT bandwagon. This could get scary...

*Work fulltime + school fulltime? Maybe not my best idea ever. At least I'm getting SMRT.

*If you ever have to go somewhere and be respectable and serious, it is either the worst idea ever or the best to take someone who you know will make you laugh with her snarky comments.

*Pajama pants at a courthouse? Maybe not the best way to appear as if you are taking your situation seriously.

*I am very sick of making charts. I still love my job, but I'm getting burned out. This may be partly due to random thought #1.

*I met someone.

*I am very sad that I have another full week before there's a new episode of Glee. This long without seeing/hearing my boyfriends? So sad. At least I have most of the songs downloaded so I can get my fix in.

*If I win the lottery tonight, it will be bittersweet. Don't get me wrong, I'll appreciate it greatly, but because of my current situation I wouldn't be able to do all the fun things I'd want to. If it does happen, however, you can rest assured that at some point, the insanity would ensue.

*I need to get the heat fixed in my car. That would probably be the first thing I'd do if I won the lottery. Isn't that just kind of sad?

*I don't know if y'all have heard about this, but you should surely check out The Zombie News Network. It'll slay you. But not before eating your brains.

*I figured out my class schedule for next semester. Nothing on main campus!! As long as I can get what I want, I'll have three online classes, and one at a satellite campus MUCH closer to work/home. SCORE!

*The someone I met is older than me. How much older, I'm not really sure. Probably about 10 years. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

*Dressing up as a cavewoman for Halloween is fun, if for no other reason than getting to beat people with a plastic club.

*I am completely uninterested in the holidays this year. If I could skip the rest of the year, actually, that'd be kind of wonderful.

*The biggest issue with dating a guy that much older than me? We're in different places. At 27 I'm not ready for anything serious (as evidenced by the fact that he's not the only man I've been seeing as of late).

*Ray Lamontagne has been singing me to sleep a lot lately. He's keeping me from losing my mind.

*I think the clock on my desk is losing time.

*My focus has been gone lately. I need my brain to come back to me.

*I have realized in the last few weeks just how many amazing people I have in my life.

*Most often I don't feel like I deserve them.

*I have blog comments I've been meaning to respond to but I just haven't had the heart for it. It's been easier to just shut myself off lately.

*I don't want to hurt him. And I have a feeling I'm going to. So is it better to just cut things off now, before we're any more involved? He's a great guy and we get along so well, and the chemistry is ridiculous. And if I was a few years older, it might be it. But should I really try to fit myself into a relationship that isn't what I want or need?

*If I could get a do-over on the last month of my life, I think that would solve 90% of the issues on my mind right now.

*If you have the power to reverse time, please contact me ASAP.