In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make...

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

That line, from The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, is one that has stuck with me in the decade since I first read the novel.

There's a lot of truth in the sentiment. We search for someone who makes us happy, who makes us better, who makes us complete. Sometimes, we find that person. Sometimes, that person turns out to be the opposite of who we thought they were. Sometimes they hurt us. Sometimes we let them. Sometimes we put all our energy and heart and soul and faith into a person who has done nothing to earn any of them. Sometimes we cry ourselves to sleep, wondering why we care so much, why we can't just walk away, why this "great love" has turned into something we never thought we would put up with.

I know I'm guilty of it.

There was a time when I took any scrap of affection that was carelessly tossed my way and clung to it with every part of me. When I was so love-starved that I would put up with lies and cheating and selfishness and emotional torture, just so I wouldn't be alone. When I would drive home, sobbing so hard I could barely steer the car, totally unsure what I had done that made me deserve this treatment. Wondering when I became so weak that I would stay with someone who didn't give a damn about me. Wanting to rip my own heart out, because it wasn't doing me any good anyway.

But I always stayed. I always stuck it out. I thought that I couldn't do any better. I thought that this was it. This was what my life would be like. I wasn't pretty enough, or funny enough, or smart enough to have the right to be happy, to have someone who actually loved ME. Not the doormat. Not the caregiver. ME. I got so used to being in a constant state of loneliness, even when I was sleeping next to someone. But I still never thought of leaving that. I just wanted something, even if it wasn't love. Even if it was barely involved. Even if my heart shattered over and over again, while I tried to figure out what to do to make myself better, more deserving, easier to be with...anything to make my screwed-up relationship into something more.

But then, something happened. The last straw. The time I really needed someone to be there, and he wasn't. He couldn't be bothered. There I was, crying and lost and empty, reeling from the loss of one of the most influential people in my life, and he couldn't be bothered to even come up with an "I'm sorry for your loss." I ended up going to a new friend, one I barely knew, who held me and let me cry and suddenly made me realize that I WAS worthy of being cared for, of being loved. That I was a good person, and that while I had my faults, I deserved someone who would drop everything to come pick me up when I couldn't get myself up off the floor.

That was when I knew I had to let go.

Since then, I've been in my fair share of rough relationships. I've been hurt, and my heart is worse for the wear. But I have made it a point to never let things get to the point where I didn't know why I was in it again. And yes, I've made some mistakes and given little pieces of myself away to some people who probably didn't deserve them, but it was always on my own terms.

And now? I'm stronger than ever. I'm more confident. I know who I am, and I know what I deserve. And I am holding out for it. Whether I find it now, or next month, or in twenty years, I'll know that, as the song goes, in the end, the love I'll take will be equal to the love I'll make.

Day 4: Sometimes you find an author and it feels like she writes from your soul....

For me, that author is the incredibly talented Liza Palmer. She has three novels out - Conversations with the Fat Girl, Seeing Me Naked, and A Field Guide to Burying Your Parents.

In the almost 5 years since Conversations came out, I have read it, at minimum, 25 times. The other two aren't far behind. Something about Liza's writing style grips me from page one, and her characters are complex and beautiful. They are flawed yet sympathetic. Confused, but strong. Amazing women who are insecure and loving and powerful and frightened and REAL.

After Seeing Me Naked came out, I emailed Liza to give her some fanmail (cause who doesn't love that?). Here is a part of what I wrote - I can't put in any better than this:

And once again....the characters you write are amazingly complex, sympathetic, and I can see parts of myself in almost all of them.  Even the characters I want to dislike have redeeming qualities, and I find myself wishing them well and with all characters, imagining the great lives they have coming.  I cry with them, laugh at them, and at times, want to sit them down and give them a dose of reality.

Thank you for creating these lovely worlds of people and places, and letting your readers explore them for a while.

For me, letting a talented author know how much I love her work was enough. Imagine my surprise when she not only responded, but made my day when I got her reply:

Okay, so this is officially the awesomest email ever.  Seriously.  What a...lovely, lovely thing (things?) to say.  It has soo made my day.  Just lovely...i can't stop saying lovely-i know more words, i assure you.

I'm working on Book three right now-and this is by far the highlight of my day.

You're awesome--thank you so much.

I also got a signed copy of the UK print of Seeing Me Naked.

Not only does Liza write amazing books, but she cares about her fans. We have definitely had a few Twitter conversations (Billy Squier love!) and she just seems like the most down-to-earth, fun person.

For me, that's icing on the fabulously written cake. Knowing an author is so...human...makes her so much more appealing to read, because it makes all her words feel real.

And I can't wait to read whatever she releases next.

RTT: Spring is coming and I'm invincible.

*Spring is in the air. It's slightly less cold when I wake up at 4.30am to go to the gym. It's making it slightly more bearable to leave my warm, cozy bed. And by the time I drive to work? I can hear birds singing. And the sun is shining. Love.

*Spring is my co-favorite season with autumn. Spring because of new beginnings. A clean slate. Everything is new and fresh. I always believed that if I ever fell in love, it would happen in the springtime. Not counting on it this year, but we'll see how next year goes.

*For the last week and a half I have been unstoppable. Nothing's getting me down. Sure, I have things I'm stressed about, as always, but for the first time in a really, really, REALLY long time, I don't feel like I'm drowning. And it feels damn good.

*What also feels good? Being 7 pounds down after my first week back on Weight Watchers. You can track my progress (and read what I think are funny stories) at my other blog, Loving Me Naked.

*I'm wearing a bright pink Snuggie right now. I only had on light PJ pants and a tank top, and I got chilly. Don't judge me.

*I have been re-reading some favorite books lately. Three of them are by Liza Palmer, one of my favorite authors. Every book she writes speaks to a different part of me, and reading all three, back to back? I feel drained and hopeful and exhausted and sad and joyful and inspired all at once. It's amazing. Eventually I'll be posting reviews of them, because they're that fantastic. Her second novel is called 'Seeing Me Naked' and was the inspiration for my new blog title.

*The other book I just finished re-reading was The Next Thing on My List by Jill Smolinski. Again, it got me thinking. If I had a list of 20 things to do by the time I was 30, what would they be? Finish school, for one. Hit my goal weight. Skydive. Hit my goal weight. Other than that, though? I have no idea. I always saw the big things for me happening after that age, if they happen at all - getting married, having kids....And those aren't things that I'm tied to. I guess I really don't have 'goals', just things that I would do if the opportunity arose. I wonder what that says about me...

*Meijer's Churned-Style Light Chocolate Moose Tracks ice cream? Freaking amazing. Totally worth 3 points a serving. Way more satisfying than just fat-free chocolate or something. Yum!

*Yes, I realize that I just went from what could turn into an insightful revelation into my inner workings, to raving about ice cream. It's just easier.

RTT: Holy Productive Tuesday, Batman!

*The boots I ordered have shipped! I should hopefully have them tomorrow, and I am super pumped. I am crossing my fingers that they'll fit perfectly, or at least decently. I can't wait for tall boots and tights :-)

*My 10 year reunion is being planned, and one of the ideas being kicked around is a dinner cruise. It sounds like a great time in theory, but in reality, do I really want to be stuck on a boat with 200 people for 4 hours?

*I was incredibly productive today. Cooked for the week, cleaned the kitchen, straightened up my room, took my lit quiz (100%, thank you!), did my taxes, filed my FAFSA...I am loving Tuesdays this semester. I get so much done!

*I've taken to calling the bottom shelf of my big bookcase my 'nerd shelf' - it has my Harry Potter books, and the books about Harry Potter from a class I took - my Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit box set...My copy of 'The Princess Bride'...My 'Office Space Kit'...'America' by Jon Stewart. I'm a nerd. But I embrace it.

*I started ripping CDs onto my computer this weekend. I think I've done about 50 so far. Only about 600 more to go....

*Time to make some hot chocolate and then go to bed. Long day tomorrow - work and then class, and I have a quiz in Business Stats. Ugh.


As always, go visit Keely for more random thoughts!

Spin Cycle: Me against the music

"What came first - the music, or the misery? Did I listen to the music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to music? Do all those records turn you into a melancholy person? People worry about kids playing with guns, and teenagers watching violent videos; we are scared that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands - I mean, literally, thousands - of songs about broken hearts and rejection and pain and misery and lost. The unhappiest people I know, romantically speaking, are the ones who like pop music the most; and I don't know whether pop music has caused this unhappiness, but I do know that they've been listening to the sad songs longer than they've been living the unhappy lives."
(Nick Hornby, High Fidelity)

Actual post coming as soon as I'm done writing it....stay tuned.

Books Read in 2009 (UPDATED 01.24)

Inspired by my sister, I'll be updating this throughout the year. My goal is 100 NEW books read. I will be listing all of them...starred ones are re-reads. I read fast and never go to the library, so there'll be A LOT of re-reads.

Anyways....here goes!

1. Love the One You're With. Emily Giffin. 1/1/09.

2. Such a Pretty Fat. Jen Lancaster. 1/3/09.*

(starting here I lose track of dates...most of my reading is done between school, work, homework, and sleep and i have no idea what day it is anymore.

3. Bright Lights, Big Ass. Jen Lancaster.*

4. Bitter is the New Black. Jen Lancaster.*

5. More than This. Margo Candela. Different, but loved this.

6. The Man of My Dreams. Curtis Sittenfeld. Am I the only one who always thought this author was a man? Oops. Anyways. Really really liked this one. No spoilers, but if you have read it and email, I will tell you why.

7. Loves Music, Loves to Dance. Mary Higgins Clark. Needed an easy read to entertain me for a couple hours when I couldn't look at my statistics book anymore.

8. The Street Lawyer. John Grisham. Another easy read, but worthwhile, unlike MHC.

9. The History of Love. Nicole Krauss. Excellent.

10. But Enough About Me. Jancee Dunn.

Good reads?

I know, I know...I owe you all a post explaining the ovary-owning groomsman. It'll happen when I have more than 5 minutes free at a time...

But until then - I need some good book ideas, as my mother is already bugging me to get her a Christmas list.

I'm not picky about subject - so suggest away!

Reading is Ravishing.

From Heinous

Rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on the blog.
3. Write six random bookish things about yourself.
4. Tag sixish people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know he or she has been tagged.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

1. One of my favorite blogger-turned-writers in Jen Lancaster. Perfect reading for business flights, although one of the VPs I tend to travel with has looked at me oddly waiting in the airport before as I sit there trying not to giggle too loudly while I read stories about Barbie heads and Ambien. Or White Russians, new neighbors, and the effects of too many of the former.

2. I have 53 first chapters saved on my computer. Some to the same story, some to different. I have at least a dozen endings. And a few chapters here in there in the middle. Sometimes I feel that I should just throw them all together and see what happens.

3. Bookstores are my crack. I could, and have, easily spend several hours wandering around. My favorite trips are those where I just skim the shelves til I see a cover or title that strikes me for some reason, and I end up discovering a new favorite.

4. I will never understand why I had to read Shakespeare and Dickens so often in school. I'm sorry, I know they wrote classic literature that millions of people respect and appreciate, but I'm not one of them.

5. At any one time I'm probably reading four books. I've started this to force myself to read slower, and pay a little more attention...Otherwise, I tend to devour a good book in a couple of hours, and then I am disappointed that it's over. I'm trying to drag it out more.
(and it's not working....I bought 'Lucky' by Alice Sebold today, and was done within two hours of getting home. damnit)

6. My secret shame is trashy romance novels. Not many, but there are a few that I will read and reread, and daydream about my own happy ending.

7. But actually, I much prefer the stories where a woman makes it on her own. Where the ending isn't all so tied up. Where it keeps you guessing what happened next. Because that's real, and that's what I love.

Okay, so that was seven. Whatever. Tag. You're all it.

The Big Read...

Stolen from Unmitigated.

There are many books on here that I haven’t heard of. For many, that’s the only reason they aren’t italicized. I’ll read pretty much anything, to be honest. It’s what I do.

"The Big Read is a USA National Endowment for the Arts program designed to encourage community reading initiatives and of their top 100 books, they estimate the average adult has read only six.

1. Look at the list and bold those you have read.

2. Italicize those you intend to read.

3. Underline (or color) the books you LOVE .

Share this list in your blog, too, if you like."

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen

2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien

3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling

5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee

6 The Bible

7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell

9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman

10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens

11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott

12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare (I half bolded cause I’ve read quite a lot. Unfortunately. Pretty tall order for all, I think. Especially as I find them mind-numbingly boring)

15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks

18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger

19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch - George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell

22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald

23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens

24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy

25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams

26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh

27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame (? I think I did)

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy

32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens

33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis

34 Emma - Jane Austen

35 Persuasion - Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis (Umm..this is part of the Narnia Chronicles)

37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini

38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres

39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne

41 Animal Farm - George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving

45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery

47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding

50 Atonement - Ian McEwan (Loved Saturday, hated the movie of this one)

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel

52 Dune - Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens

58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold (actually just bought this, and forgot to throw it in my bag to bring here like I meant to)

65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas

66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding

69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens

72 Dracula - Bram Stoker

73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett

74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses - James Joyce

76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath

77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal - Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession - AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell

83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks

94 Watership Down - Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare (Another double-mention)

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl (en Francais!)

100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo