A Secret Santa surprise for one of my favorite bloggers!

As a happy participator in The Spin Cycle, I was pumped when Jen gave us our new assignment: Pick your five favorite blogs, she'd narrow it down to one, and you post about why the chosen blogger kicks forty-five kinds of ass. So, my chosen one, I hope you enjoy!!

*****

I first found the amazing Sal of Already Pretty courtesy of Blogtations. There was a quote on there from one of her posts that I identified with:

"As a teen, I dreamed of being a bodiless brain in a jar. A smart, artistically inclined, physically awkward young woman, I shied away from anything that made me think about myself in terms of body. I hid in my loose, formless clothes, refused makeup, and let my hair remain unruly. I looked a little like a hobo, albeit one with excellent oral hygiene."

Well, if that wasn't enough to get me hooked, the entirety of her post certainly did. If you've never read Sal before, that's a great one to get started with.

*****

I love that Sal's tagline is "Helping you recognize your own beauty, one post at a time." There are a million style blogs out there, and a million beauty blogs, but to me, Sal's stands out because she focuses so much on inner beauty and self-confidence as well. By posting a poll every couple of weeks, she forcesencourages readers to look into themselves to find something that makes them unique/makes them beautiful/makes them feel amazing/makes them who they are. I cannot tell you how much my self-image has gone up in the last year and a half of actually having to think about my body and what I love about it. One of my favorites was deciding on my five best. I loved the idea so much I stoleborrowed it on my own blog. Having to really evaluate what I love about myself? It's a lovely boost of confidence.

*****

Without Sal, I wouldn't have any idea how to dress professional but also personal for an interview, wear belts without looking like a fool, fit the business casual requirement at work in a more interesting way than my usual black pants/boring sweater, or a million other tips and ideas I've picked up from her.

*****

Besides all this, Sal is a truly great person, always leaving an encouraging comment, passing on information to readers that would be helpful, giving advice to a desperate girl trying to find a dress....She's fantastic and adorable, and I can't wait for her next Already Prettypoll so I can be discover just how much I rock, and also, how great she is at reminding me!

Happy holidays, Sal!! You're a treasure!

*****

And happy holidays to everyone else who is enjoys The Spin Cycle every week! Thanks for this fabulous idea, Jen!

i'm not bitter, but i've seen better days

Oh, Christmas.

A time of magic. A time of peace. A time of cheer.

A time to be with the people you love.

This year I have none of those things, and if I seem bitter, maybe that's why.

This whole year has been one thing after another.

I start to think I've dug myself out of a hole, when in reality, I've just been digging the same one deeper.

Lately I've been withdrawing from the world and trying to re-evaluate my life. I need to see what's wrong, what's right, and what I can cut out.

I'm not sure if I've discovered any answers yet.

I know I can't take another year like this. I can't let myself make the same mistakes again, I can't let myself fall for the same tired lines again.

To be honest, if I really look at my life, if I really take the time to make an inventory of the good and the bad, there is far more wonderful than worrisome. I know this. I'm self-aware enough to realize that this mood I've been in the last couple months will pass, and I'll be better for it. I know I'm being foolish and I know I'm letting my emotions get the best of me. And I know in a few months this awful, terrible time will be over and I'll wonder why it drove me this far down.

I know all that.

So why does breathing in and out seem like the hardest thing to do? Why can't I drag myself out of bed in the morning? Why do I find myself breaking down over the smallest little thing?

More importantly, when will it stop?

It just needs a little love...(Holiday Homes Tour '09)

Jen on the Edge is hosting the 2009 Holiday Homes Tour today yesterday (yes, it is quite possible that I no longer have any idea what time or day it is.)

Here is my little piece of holiday spirit...

Yes, that is my desk at work. Yes, that is the only Christmas decoration I'll have up this year. Yes, I do essentially consider my job home. Last week I called my cubicle 'home' without realizing it. I spend more time there than anywhere else.

Dear Santa (A Perennial Fuck-up's Christmas Wish)

Dear Santa -

I'm supposed to tell you what I want for Christmas this year.

This might be a bit unconventional, but I'll just run with it, and you let me know if you can help out.

You see, Santa, I've made some choices recently that I'm not proud of. And true, I used to be of the mindset, good or bad, they're still my choices, but lately? Lately I'm not so sure. Lately I've been having regrets. A LOT of regrets.

You know what I'm talking about, right? All of them? I don't really need to go into detail, do I?

Do I need to relive all the things I've done to disappoint people? All the ways I've hurt people? All the ways I've hurt and disappointed myself? Do I need to dig up long-buried memories and clouded glimpses of nights I barely remember myself? Do I need to look back at all the mistakes I've made? Because I can, if that'll put me back in your good graces. If I need to admit what I've done wrong, I'll do it. I'll do anything if I can just get those years back.

I'm not saying that I wouldn't miss what I've found along the way...and I'm not saying that every speed bump has sent me off-course. I've found a lot of good and learned a lot about myself and who I want to be the last several years. I'm just scared, Santa...because the girl I am is nowhere close to the woman I'd like to be. And I don't know if I'll ever get there. I've screwed up too much, I've gotten too far down the wrong path to make it back to good again.

I know you're probably thinking that running away from problems doesn't solve anything...and you're right, I can't argue with that. But I think even you'll admit that I haven't exactly been getting the easiest cards dealt to me lately. And I think you know that a lot of what I did was completely out of character. I'm not claiming temporary insanity here, but you know as well as I do that a lot of this just isn't me.

So here's my idea: Let me take it all back.

I'd really like a do-over on the last few years.

That's right. If I could go to sleep on Christmas Eve, and wake up on...oh, say New Year's Day, 2004, that would be fantastic. I think that's about the time my life started to really go off the rails. If I could just wake up that morning, and get a fresh start, I know I could get it together.

I could avoid some of those heartaches. And salvage some of those friendships. I could finish what I started instead of giving up when things got rough. I could make a choice and stick to it. I could be smarter, and stronger, and better. I could turn into the person I want to be. I could be someone that other people could count on. Someone with heart, and compassion, and motivation, instead of this cynical girl I barely recognize. I could do everything differently, and be happier now, and a better person.

Is that too much to ask, Santa? Is this possible? Could you do this for me? Because it's been too many months of just barely holding it together, and I don't know if I can take another year of this.

I'm pretty sure I've been on your 'naughty' list for a while now, but if you could do me this one favor, I promise, I'll be good. I'll make the smart decisions and avoid the bad ones. I swear, Santa, I really will. Just let me forget the last several years ever happened, and go back to being twenty-one, and naive, and optimistic, and ready to take on the world.

I know I can get it right this time.

Introducing the lovely, the talented, the amazing....MELISSAAAAAAA!

My favorite thing about the Great Interview Experiment?
Getting to discover a blogger that I otherwise would probably never read. Melissa, aka Lollipop Goldstein, aka Town Criers, is one such blogger, and I am happy that I got her, as she is pretty darn awesome....but don't trust me - read it for yourself!

(You can visit yet another fantastic blog and blogger, Velvet Verbosity to read her interview with me and check out her 100-word writing prompt challenge! I am excited to start participating in that!)

How did I not know about ‘Show and Tell’?! This is a fantastic idea – how did you come up with it? What is your favorite thing you’ve shared? And what is the most interesting thing someone has posted?

I really missed that excitement from grade school that came before Show and Tell day at school, when you combed your house for stuff to bring in so you could tell a story. My favourite share was a picture I found of my daughter in the NICU (link) when I was working on their scrapbooks (which are still unfinished!). Probably the most moving one that anyone posted (and I'm sure if I sat reading through the archives I'd add 20 more), but this post (link) from The Road Less Travelled. I cried reading it.


Even the most open people have some secrets - Is there anything you absolutely would not share on your blog?

I have some pretty strict boundaries for myself--my story ends where another person begins unless I have (1) their permission to tell the story or (2) there is no chance they would recognize themselves in the story or be able to be identified.


You talk about traveling and trips you’ve taken – where was your favorite place, and why? Have any interesting or crazy stories about people you’ve met along the way? (By the way, I REALLY wish you had asked the random American woman how she lost all her underwear...I’m sure that would make a good story!)

It could have made a good story, but we had so much fun with her regardless and there are many additional stories of the two or three nights we hung out with her. My two favourite place that I've visited since starting the blog (since I've been to too many countries to rank them) are Smith Island and Shepherdstown, WV. My husband calls me the freak magnet because somehow, he can go for weeks never having a strange encounter on his way to and from work, and then the one day that I go down to his office, we meet up with all of these wonderfully crazy people. So we do meet a lot of interesting people along the way but our favourite was a boy we met in a hostel in Canada. We ended up taking him out for breakfast and interviewing him with a tape recorder. I'm not sure where the tape is and how much of his story was bullshit, but one day I'll have to tell the story of the Canadian hitchhiker.


Your post ‘Funeral Song’ had me in tears (at work, no less), and ‘My Grandmother’ had me in stitches – your grandma sounds like she was incredible (and not that different from my gramma who I lost almost 5 years ago now). What about her do you see in yourself? And did she have any traits that you wish you had more of?

Her large bum--all of us inherited it except one sister-cousin, lucky thing. I am probably most like her in that I care a lot about the people around me (and my husband just called across the room that I'm most like her in that I'm not afraid to tell him that he's stupid). I wish I had inherited her brashness. She said whatever was in her mind, and sometimes, it was exactly what the person needed to hear.

What has been the most rewarding part of blogging about your experiences in the ALI community? What is the most challenging thing about it?

I have to admit that I feel badly for people who are not in our corner of the blogosphere because there is an enormous love here. There is fighting too, and hurt feelings and lashing out at one another from time to time, but that is tempered with this enormous love. I have seen people come together to help a person build their family numerous times, whether it was donating money, gametes, or a womb. How many people can say that through blogging, they have added life to this world? The challenging thing is finding the stopping point. It is too easy to read more blogs, write more comments, and leave other stuff undone. And it's hard to set that limit when you receive so much love back for the good thoughts you give.

RTT: Love and loss on a windy Tuesday

I'm not quite sure what's going to make its way from my brain to my fingertips right now...my mind's been spinning quite a lot lately...

*It's amazing how one short conversation or exchange can push someone to the front of your mind.

*Thanksgiving is next week. Where did this year go?

*Someone I know just lost his grandfather, whom he was extremely close to - he called him the most influential person in his life. My heart goes out to him right now...

*...especially since it takes me back to when I lost my Gramma K. It'll be 5 years on December 9th, and I still think about her daily, and wonder if she's out there, somewhere, proud of the woman I'm becoming. I hope so. She was the best woman I've known, and if I become half the person she was, I'll be happy.

*My next tattoo (which my fabulous and talented sister will also be getting) will be a tribute to both our Polish heritage, and our grandmother. I'm hoping to get the design done and approved in the next few weeks, although disposable income is in short supply at the moment, so it'll likely be a while before we actually get these.

*I'm suddenly starting to get back to glass half-full, and it feels amazing.

*Last night I posted one of my favorite quotes on Facebook - "Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life, and love shouldn't be one of them." (Dream for an Insomniac)

*I need to keep that in mind. And remember that I'm not willing to settle or compromise.

*With my re-found optimism comes my unfailing faith in true love and happy endings. I'm just older and wiser now, and realize that neither of those things looks the way you expected it to at sixteen.

*Is it too early to put up my Charlie Brown Christmas tree at work?

*I keep changing my answers for The Great Interview Experiment. Someday the very lovely Velvet Verbosity will get my answers back. And in the next day or two, the also very lovely Mel will have questions to answer.

*By the way, if you haven't gotten in on the GIE action, you really should. Follow that link up there and visit the great Neilochka

*If you're a fan of fine (and not-so-fine) art, I suggest you check this out

*That's a lot of links.

Spin Cycle Free Spin: If I knew then what I know now....(a letter to me, age 17)

Dear Andrea -

Hey you. It's your future self here.

I don't mean to spoil any surprises for you, but seriously, it's for the best. Maybe I can save you some heartache along the way. Maybe I can make a difference in both of our lives, if we're really alive at the same time in some strange parallel universe. Maybe I can change the story.

First order of business? Next year at college you're going to meet someone. You're going to fall incredibly hard for him. He is going to be crazy about you, and sweet, and sort of nerdy. He's going to have strong arms and perfect eyes and the way he kisses you will make you lightheaded and you'll think your legs are about to give out. You know how the movies talk about *fireworks*? They didn't lie. Anyway, I know you've decided you are going to save yourself for your future husband. DON'T. You aren't getting married in the next ten years anyway, and looking back, you'll realize that you should've just slept with him and at least had your first time mean something, instead of waking up after a night of heavy drinking on an air mattress after losing it to some guy you just met. (FYI - This might still happen. In that case, there IS a house alarm, and sneaking off at 6.30am? Won't work.)

Back to the first guy. He's going to break your heart. Repeatedly. Over and over and over again. At least six or seven times. The first time was understandable. And everyone deserves a second chance. But really? After that? It's okay to give up. He really wasn't the ONE. You'll finally figure that out at 26 when you see him for the first time in four years and wonder why you were so into him, and why you wasted so many years doing the back-and-forth you two were so good at. Don't be afraid to let him break your heart, but don't make the same mistake I did, and let him break YOU.

Alright, let's move on...

I know right now you're getting excited for your first year of college. You've got a plan, you've got goals, and that's great. Keep your focus! Don't screw around like I did, unless you want to be 27 and still working on your degree. Yes, I messed up. A lot. But the life lesson here? You can ALWAYS redeem yourself. I'm working on it now, but you? You still have a chance to get it right the first time. Take advantage of it.

Next thing. I know you think you're a hideous cow. Really? In a few years you are going to look back at your senior pictures and pray for that body back. I know, you think I'm crazy, but it's the truth. Of course, by the time you hit my age, you'll have settled in where you are and you'll be fairly confident no matter what (which, by the way, will serve you well where men are concerned), but for a while there, you will absolutely HATE the way you look. More than you can even imagine right now. So don't stress out, and enjoy being young and healthy and cute while you can. Own who you are. Your little imperfections make you unique.

Start saving money now. I don't mean what Dad makes you put in your IRA, I mean seriously put away some cash. You're always going to need it, and Mom and Dad won't always be able to help you out. You'll be much better off than I am if you can manage that.

Go visit the grandparents. As much as possible. I know they seem immortal now, but they don't have much time left, and after they're gone, you're going to wish you had listened harder and told them you loved them more. When Grandma K dies, you are going to be an absolute wreck. Let it happen. It'll pass, I promise. You're going to have amazing friends to pull you through.

Don't let it get you down when family members, friends, and complete strangers feel pity for you if you're still single at 20, 25, 30, 45...what's right for someone else may not be right for you. Enjoy being single, enjoy being independent, and do anything you could possibly want to do. If you want to move across the country (and you'll want to, trust me!), do it! This is the time in your life to not be tied down to anything.

You're going to make some mistakes when it comes to men. Everyone does. But don't ever let yourself lose who you are because of a man. And don't ever let a man (or anyone else, for that matter) make you feel like less than what you are. Some mornings you might look in the mirror and not recognize who you've become. You will, just look closer. She's there. That innocent, naive girl who still somehow believes in true love and soulmates and happy endings? She's there. She's just smarter, and less willing to give her heart away until someone has earned it.

You can't change other people, just yourself. And you shouldn't try to change yourself for someone else. If they can't love you the way you are, then you shouldn't waste your time.

Mom and Dad will love you even if you don't do everything the way they think you should. Don't be afraid to disappoint them because while they may give you shit, they'll stand by you when no one else will or can. I know right now you think they're ruining your life half the time, but they really are great parents, and you're a lot luckier than most.

Tell the people you care about that you love them. Every time you can. You never know when they'll be gone. You're going to lose a lot of people in the next decade, some who you never would have expected. You are going to drive around at night crying, wondering why someone was taken from you so soon. You're going to scream and throw things and spend days in bed because you don't want to live in a world where bad things happen. But then you'll start to realize that he wouldn't have wanted you to waste your days like that, and you'll start to move on, and start to feel better. And you'll start to live.

No matter how well you plan out the next ten years of your life, it will change. You can't avoid that. Don't let yourself get set on certain things you *have* to accomplish. If you do, and those things don't pan out, you could spend the next ten years trying to scrape together the rest of your life. Go with the flow, and take time to enjoy the setbacks and detours, because those can be the most beautiful parts of life.

Maybe this won't make a bit of difference. Maybe my life now is how it was meant to be. Maybe no matter what you do in the next ten years, we'll be right here, at this same place, writing this same letter.

I don't want to discourage you. I just want us to have a chance at something different. Something better.

But if this doesn't work? If this is what life is? Well, you can look forward to being strong. Stronger than you thought you could be. You'll be independent, and fearless. You'll have learned from (most of) the mistakes in your past, and have grown up and be smarter for it. You'll have a drive to succeed and a never-say-die attitude. You'll have the best friends and family in the world, and you'll be happy. Sure, you have your issues, but overall? You know who you are and you're loving it. And that's the big life lesson here, teenage Andrea: Your life will be as good as your attitude allows. Enjoy it.

Love,
Future Andrea

(By the way, your boobs finally grew. And didn't stop. And now it hurts to run. And walk down stairs. So, thanks for wishing for those every day since you were twelve. Bitch.)

RTT: Aren't all my thoughts random?

So, as I have no time anymore to actually post, I figured I would jump on the RTT bandwagon. This could get scary...

*Work fulltime + school fulltime? Maybe not my best idea ever. At least I'm getting SMRT.

*If you ever have to go somewhere and be respectable and serious, it is either the worst idea ever or the best to take someone who you know will make you laugh with her snarky comments.

*Pajama pants at a courthouse? Maybe not the best way to appear as if you are taking your situation seriously.

*I am very sick of making charts. I still love my job, but I'm getting burned out. This may be partly due to random thought #1.

*I met someone.

*I am very sad that I have another full week before there's a new episode of Glee. This long without seeing/hearing my boyfriends? So sad. At least I have most of the songs downloaded so I can get my fix in.

*If I win the lottery tonight, it will be bittersweet. Don't get me wrong, I'll appreciate it greatly, but because of my current situation I wouldn't be able to do all the fun things I'd want to. If it does happen, however, you can rest assured that at some point, the insanity would ensue.

*I need to get the heat fixed in my car. That would probably be the first thing I'd do if I won the lottery. Isn't that just kind of sad?

*I don't know if y'all have heard about this, but you should surely check out The Zombie News Network. It'll slay you. But not before eating your brains.

*I figured out my class schedule for next semester. Nothing on main campus!! As long as I can get what I want, I'll have three online classes, and one at a satellite campus MUCH closer to work/home. SCORE!

*The someone I met is older than me. How much older, I'm not really sure. Probably about 10 years. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

*Dressing up as a cavewoman for Halloween is fun, if for no other reason than getting to beat people with a plastic club.

*I am completely uninterested in the holidays this year. If I could skip the rest of the year, actually, that'd be kind of wonderful.

*The biggest issue with dating a guy that much older than me? We're in different places. At 27 I'm not ready for anything serious (as evidenced by the fact that he's not the only man I've been seeing as of late).

*Ray Lamontagne has been singing me to sleep a lot lately. He's keeping me from losing my mind.

*I think the clock on my desk is losing time.

*My focus has been gone lately. I need my brain to come back to me.

*I have realized in the last few weeks just how many amazing people I have in my life.

*Most often I don't feel like I deserve them.

*I have blog comments I've been meaning to respond to but I just haven't had the heart for it. It's been easier to just shut myself off lately.

*I don't want to hurt him. And I have a feeling I'm going to. So is it better to just cut things off now, before we're any more involved? He's a great guy and we get along so well, and the chemistry is ridiculous. And if I was a few years older, it might be it. But should I really try to fit myself into a relationship that isn't what I want or need?

*If I could get a do-over on the last month of my life, I think that would solve 90% of the issues on my mind right now.

*If you have the power to reverse time, please contact me ASAP.

i barely have the breath to breathe, much less to fly away

Have you ever woken up one morning and wondered where the hell you were?

I’m not talking about that sinking feeling in your stomach you get after a one-night stand,
where you literally have no idea where you are, although that is part of this--I’m talking
about that sinking feeling in your soul when you suddenly realize you have no idea how your
life got to this point.

More and more I've been feeling like I'm just going through the motions - wake up, get
ready, go to work, go to class, come home, go to bed, and do it all over again the next day,
and the day after that, and the day after that. It's as if I'm mechanically working towards
the arbitrary goals I've set for myself, with no real idea as to why this is what I'm doing. I can see the endpoint, but I have no idea if that's actually what I want.

My life is a million miles away from where it was a year ago. It's not entirely a bad thing, but a lot of who I am got lost somewhere along the way. I've been searching and searching for something to fill the gaps in my life, and I'm beginning to realize that it's going to take more than another bar and another boy to make the difference.

All I want is for the world to stop spinning, just for a minute, just long enough for me to catch my breath and recenter myself. I need a chance to look around and figure out who this girl is--and if she's really that different from who she was.

I find myself shutting people out more than I ever have before. Some of my closest friendships are barely hanging on, and it's my fault. It's as if I'm afraid they're going to see who I've turned into, and realize that I'm not who they remember. Hell, I'm not who I remember. What happened to the girl ready to take life by storm? The eternal optimist? The dreamer who romantacized everything? Is she still there, somewhere, trying to work her way out of the cynical realist I've become?

Some of the changes, a few of the changes--they've been needed. I'm less fragile than I was. Less likely to fall for someone too hard or too fast. Less willing to trust someone who turns out to be careless. More driven. Less of a pushover. More of a fighter. But I'm also more bitter. More careless with other people. Less naive, FAR more jaded. I find myself seeking out relationships where I don't have to give too much of myself, because the less I give, the less it'll hurt. I alienate the people who love me and who have stood by me for years, because I don't want anyone who knows me too well to see how much I've started to hate what I've become.

Maybe I'm not getting hurt as easily...But isn't part of the beauty of life, and love, the ability to let yourself get broken? Isn't getting up and dusting yourself off, ready to try again part of the most basic human experience? Doesn't feeling a hundred kinds of pain make the healing a thousand kinds of wonderful? Aren't we supposed to turn to the ones who care about us when we're at our lowest?

I might not be at my lowest, but I don't think I'm that far from it. I hide it well most of the time, but it's almost to the point where I don't know if I can make it through another hour without standing up and screaming. I feel lost, and I feel alone. I know I'm strong enough to pull myself out of this, as I always have before, and I know tomorrow things will look different, in a different kind of light. But right now, today? I'm looking in the mirror and wondering who the hell is looking back at me, where the hell she came from, and how in the hell I'll ever be able to merge the me that was and the me that is into the me I wish I could be.

i have no desire to see through my own eyes anymore....

le sigh.

there's so much going through my head these days...i'm just trying to decide if i want to share it with the world or not.

i miss recognizing the face in the mirror.....