Just one day/night without weird dreams...that's all I ask

"Metaphorically, driving a car in your dream, is analogous to your sex life and sexual performance. Consider how you are driving and what kind of car you are driving and how it relates to your waking sex life." (Dream Moods)

So, going way too fast, zipping in and out of traffic, barely squeezing by on the shoulder, up and down hills and over bridges.....basically driving like every kind of terrible driver in the world at once, all the while I and my car are shrinking smaller and smaller until by the time I bust through the doors of a mall, I am essentially driving a matchbox car....

Hmmm.

"To dream that you are shrinking, suggests that you lack self-confidence and self-esteem. You may be feeling embarrassed, insignificant or unimportant in some situation.  Perhaps you feel that you have been overlooked by others."

Well, that second one, I can certainly get behind...

I'm ready to fall and that's okay....

My window is open and there is a bite in the air tonight. It brings the promise of fall, and hot apple cider, and cozying up next to a bonfire in a big, warm sweatshirt. Halloween and haunted houses. All-night movie marathons and spending hours in a coffee shop working on homework. Giant scarves and clear skies.

I love fall, yet it always makes me a little sad. Maybe it's because it's an ending - the end of summer, the end of freedom, the end of warm weather. Maybe because it's a time of year when it's better to be with someone...to have someone to cuddle up with when the nights are just a little too chilly - someone to carve pumpkins with and be the other half of a cheesy couple's Halloween costume.

Or maybe because it means winter is right around the corner, and the world is about to stop for a few months. I love all four seasons, but I wish winter lasted a week. Or two. Not for five months. I would be happy with snow for Christmas, and then right back up to being 50+ degrees. It's not just the snow - the cold is incredibly rough on my joints, and every winter I go through pain pills and IcyHot like they're going out of style.

But then again, surviving another winter just makes spring all the more wonderful.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

Fall. Football. Apple wine. Big warm sweaters. Beautiful colors. Wrapping up in comfy blankets and reading for hours. Feeling like, even though all the green is gone, that the world is about to be fresh and clean and new again.

I'm so ready for it.

But I'm really going to miss my flip-flops.

Mawwiage is what bwings us togetha today....(Spin Cycle)

I guess I'm a typical girl.

I have been dreaming about poofy white dresses and champagne toasts and flower combinations and first dance song selections for as long as I can remember. I've been planning the perfect wedding since I was in preschool and got married the first time.

Hell, I even have a dress picked out (from many afternoons spent with engaged friends, pouring over bridal magazines. Come on. A single girl has to find something to entertain herself, and reading stories on wedding etiquette? Not gonna cut it.)

I know what song my dad and I will dance to. I know my sister will make me cry with her maid of honor toast. I know I'm much more likely to wear flip-flops than I am to wear heels. I know I care more about having a great DJ and bar than I do about location or decorations.

The part that trips me up?

The groom.

In all my fantasies as a child, and any inkling of an dream now, there's no man in the picture. Maybe Johnny Depp (yes, in that costume...) once in a while, or Hugh Jackman (definitely minus the Wolverine claws...), but let's be honest - that's more of a wedding night fantasy ;-)

The older I get, the more I become convinced that I'll never get married. When I was eighteen, I figured it was a matter of time and within five years I'd be engaged to Mr. Perfect.

Ten years later, I'm not so optimistic.

Of course, I'm also a lot more independent. A lot more confident that if I end up alone, I'll be okay. It might not be ideal, but I know that I'll be fine whatever way my life works out.


People always say that this changes when you meet the right person. That suddenly, you'll just be ready to start your life with someone you love.

I'm definitely not there. Not even close. Even the men I've been almost sure I loved, I could never see a future together. I don't know if that says more about the relationships, or me. I hope I find that someday. But until then?

I just want the party. The dress. The dancing. All the stupid traditions.

And if I meet someone who makes me care less about the buffet and the videographer and more about the marriage? Well, I have the invitations picked out already.....

Happy birthday, Auntie!

Just a quick one - everyone stop in today to wish my Auntie a happy birthday! And then be jealous that I get to have dinner and ice cream with her tonight!

Thanks, Auntie M, for exposing me to fantastic music, and also for getting me addicted to The Princess Bride all those years ago (on laser disc, no less!), when I used to babysit and make mix tapes after the kiddies had gone to bed :-)

That's her in the bottom right, circa 1984. (And my momma is right next to her!)

RTT: The problem is estrogen....

♥ I can find a Grey's quote for just about any situation. Probably because I am over-dramatic and talk too much, just like the characters on that show.

♥ Can I just say, my new birth control is totally fucking with me? I am so ridiculously moody now I'm just waiting for someone to slap me and yell at me to get ahold of myself. Someone asked me how I was today, and I about started crying into my coffee mug. WTF?! I do not like this.

♥ I am taking a few days off before school starts again, and they cannot get here fast enough. I haven't really taken any time off, other than being sick, since last May. I need a real vacation sometime soon - planning on one for spring break next year, with my best friend. That's too far away.

♥ Funny how a year changes everything.....

♥ Completely unrelated, but my old classmate at Birdie Royale is entering the Mad Men Casting Call and you should totally vote for her. She is absolutely stunning and a wonderful person. Plus it's super easy - just click that link, and click 'Vote' - You don't need to register or anything.

♥ Seriously. Eff this birth control. I just started tearing up over a sort-of compliment. This is ridiculous. I mean, I know I'm a sap, but I'm out of control right now.

♥ If it could be Friday when I wake up tomorrow, that would be fantastic.

♥ I'm working on a new story idea and I like it so far. It's all in my head though, I haven't started writing. Which means I'll get through 20 pages and then burn out.

♥ I hit my head in the pool on Saturday. Then Sunday I hit it on the freezer door. And a couple hours ago? Definitely banged the crap out of it on my car. I fail.

♥ 635 days until I graduate. Not that I'm counting.

♥ Oh, and yea....you can like me, too. All the cool kids are doing it!


*************
As always, go check out Keely for more Random Tuesday Thoughts!

RTT: On being a pansy, but also a badass

• A friend of mine posted this video on Facebook today. I'll admit it, I definitely shed some tears over it at work. It's silly and stupid but it reminds me of high school and watching that movie with good friends and singing that song in my first car, driving around at night and dreaming of a day when I'd find a love like that.

• I try to come off as a badass. I'm a fairly confident woman. I'm independent and fiercely stubborn. If you've been reading me for any length of time, you've seen this. But shit like this? Kills me.

• I think I put all my energy and emotion into songs, and movies, and TV shows, and books, and save nothing for real life. After spending the first twenty-five years or so of my life crying over everything, I'm pretty much done with that.

• That's not to say that I'm a heartless bitch now. I just don't wear my heart out on my sleeve so much anymore.

• But if y'all could actually know everything going on in this messed up little mind of mine? Whew. Let's just say I'm glad you can't.

• Obviously there are a few people who can read me no matter what. My sister is one of them. As is my momma.

• They've also known me twenty-eight years. It's the people who've known me much, much less that worry me. They're the ones who can hurt me. There are a few I can trust not to - those soul friends who are more like family - but it's those people who you've only just met that can really twist a knife in your back.

• Yet lately, I seem to be letting more and more of those people into my life. There are a couple in particular that stick out. And I hope that my gut reaction of trusting them doesn't lead to me getting hurt.

• There's a quote from Grey's Anatomy I love that relates to this: "Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without."

• That pretty much sums it up.

• And hey - speaking of my sister, why not like her on Facebook? If you like me, you'll love her!


• Oh, and yea....you can like me, too. All the cool kids are doing it!
 
• Bonus - my high school reunion was a couple weekends ago. I talked about it here, a little. Because I know you all love to see pictures, here is one of me all dolled up!

Don't I clean up nice?

*************
As always, go check out Keely for more Random Tuesday Thoughts!

Spin Cycle: Yes, I have been married before...

The first time I got proposed to, I was four.

His name was Nick, and he was the dreamiest boy in my preschool class.

We got married one sunny day with a mutual friend presiding. He promised to always let me have the good crayons when we colored, and I swore that he could always be the blue piece in Candyland. We shared a piece of Bazooka to consummate the marriage.

Wedded bliss came easy to us. We sat next to each other during circle time, built our home together out of cardboard bricks, and he always let me use the good shovel in the sandbox. Life was perfect – we were young, and happy, and in love. Nothing could keep us apart.

Except for kindergarten. Our romance ended the way many do – time and distance were just too much.

The second time I got proposed to, it was third grade. His name was Jon, he lived down the street, and one day, we were climbing trees in the field in our subdivision, and he said, “I’m going to marry you someday.”

I told him I didn’t need a boy – that I could do anything he could do, and that I could take care of myself. Then I proved my point by climbing higher than he could in the tree, jumping down faster, and beating him back to our bikes.

He didn’t get it.

Later that day he brought me a plastic ring (the kind that you could shoot water out of) and a bouquet of daisies and dandelions.

I broke that poor boy’s heart that day.

Yes, even at the precocious age of eight, I knew that the friendship we had just wasn’t enough. I wanted more.

In the two decades since then, I’ve had several more proposals. Most joking, a couple quasi-serious, and one that left me dumbfounded.

But at the end of the day, I stand by my independent and stubborn eight-year-old self: I want more.

More than just friendship. More than just fireworks. More than security. I want it all.

Maybe I’ll never find that. Maybe I’ll just be crazy Aunt Andrea for the rest of my life. I’m okay with that. I might not be climbing trees anytime soon, but I can still take care of myself. And if there’s something I can’t do for some reason, I have the means to hire someone else to do it for me. I’m the same girl I was twenty years ago, just older and wiser and if anything, more stubborn than I was then.

But if someone gets through? If I have my first honest-to-god, serious proposal one day? If a man gets through the layers of pigheadedness and protection and still wants to spend the rest of his life with me?

That’s when the string of proposals will end. Because when I say yes (and not as a toddler), it’ll mean forever.

*******************

 Check out other spins by visiting the lovely and amazing Jen* at Sprite's Keeper.

 *May not be an accurate photograph. SK Jen is way hotter <3

 

Another year older, another year wiser?

Well, it's official. I'm twenty-eight and the same age as my mother (although she has thirty years of experience behind her as well).

Looking back at the last year, I can only hope that twenty-eight goes better than twenty-seven did.

Don't get me wrong. I am a much stronger person than I was at this time last year. I've made it through some rough patches and done a fairly good job of it. I am more confident, happier, smarter....

But looking back....I did A LOT of stupid things this past year. I mean, a lot. I put myself in situations that I never would have imagined myself in before. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of. I let myself be fairly hedonistic and didn't think twice about over-consuming in any of the tempting areas I found myself. And while I had some great times, I also had way too many moments of regret.

I've learned from the mistakes. Yet I repeat them over and over again. This past weekend is a prime example - I acted without thinking and made some choices that I, once again, am finding myself regretting. I can't take it back and I can't dwell on it, so I've come up with a new plan: REALLY learn from it. I won't beat myself up over anything I've done - good or bad, they were my choices - but I will remember how I feel right now, and how I made other people feel, and I will remember that sometimes it pays to take a step back and look at the big picture.

So, twenty-seven? Went out with a bang.Twenty-eight? I expect to be a much more gentle ride. I'm looking forward to it.

Thinking randomly on a Tuesday...

☼ I have been having a lot of dreams set in my parents' old house lately. Very strange.

☼ My 10-year reunion is this coming Saturday. I got a new dress, and it isn't black, which is kind of a miracle. I'm sure I'll have some pictures of me and my friends lookin' gorgeous on Sunday, so I'll try to remember to post them :-)

☼ My birthday is next Monday! 28. Crazy how different my life is now than what I thought it would be. I have to say, I'm glad I'm not married with children as I always assumed I would be at this age.

☼ I have asked my Magic 8 Ball the same question every day for a week now. And every day it answers in the affirmative. That makes me happy. Not like I actually believe that it's seriously predicting the future, but it's nice to dream :-)

☼ Last week was the first week I haven't worked overtime since sometime in April. It's been nice being busy cause the time is flying, but it was also nice not having to work this weekend.

☼ My momma and daddy are getting into town on Friday!!! I haven't seen them since my birthday week last year, so I am very very excited. Even if I am going to be insanely busy.

☼ Part of the insanity? I just picked up another Sunday softball league. This one lasts through 8/15. My next team starts 8/8. I am hoping for no game time overlap. With at least an hour between games, since they are in different cities. I'm crazy.

☼ Speaking of softball, I took a line drive in the arm two weeks ago playing second base. It hurt.

I wish I had taken a picture of it after a few days. The bruise extended all the way up my arm, on both sides. I still have bruising and it actually still hurts a bit, two weeks later.

☼ Hoping I don't get any more disfiguring injuries this year.

☼ Also hoping work stays a little less crazy for a while. I don't think I can handle anymore crazy stress.

☼ It's been great for my diet though. Down 27 lbs now! WIN!

☼ As always, click the link up top to visit Keely, and find other random thinkers :-)

I need more spoons*....(an anniversary, of sorts)

It's hard to believe, but this month marks five years since I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis.

Five years of daily challenges. Five years of almost constant exhaustion and pain. Five years of never having enough spoons. Five years of pushing myself more and more. Five years of finding out who will always be on my side. Five years of fear and worry. Five years of working with the Arthritis Foundation and meeting some truly amazing people. Five years of bad nights of sleep and worse mornings. Five years of realizing how much strength I have inside of me.

Five years. It seems like a million. It's hard to remember not being sick, not having a chronic condition that forces me to slow down.

Five years of give and take. Of every choice I make during the day having a bearing on what I can do later on. Of making trades - I can go out this night, but the next I need to be in bed at 9. I can play softball two nights a week, but then I need to rest for two days. I can go grocery shopping today, but I can't cook until tomorrow.

Of course, not every day is like this. Some days I have more energy than others. Some days, it's easy to forget that I'm sick. And to look at me, most people wouldn't guess that I'm not a typical, healthy 20-something. That's life with an invisible disease - nothing to show the pain you're in, how tired you are, how the meds you just started are making you sick every morning, how you literally roll out of bed in the morning, because you can't bend your knees to stand....

But the people who know you, who see you often - even if they don't know about your illness, even if you've never said anything - they see the signs - the big, scary bags under your eyes. The IcyHot you keep on your desk. The flats you bring to work in case your heels become too much. The slow, hitching walk of someone who is fighting to get through every step. Your friends familiar with your situation will try to understand, but it's impossible. Until you have been in it, you just can't get it. People can usually understand the physical challenges, but the emotional and mental struggles? How can you really describe the frustration of not being able to do simple tasks? How can you put into words how embarrassing it is to have to ask someone to tie your shoes for you, or open a bottle of soda? Sure, you try to laugh it off, try to act like losing control isn't killing you, but it is. And for me, someone who is independent and stubborn to the core? I will make a million jokes before I admit how helpless I feel. I will struggle with something for hours before I admit defeat. And I will hold my head up until I am safely alone before I break down.

But the good things? I've seen the good in a lot of people. I have met amazing people, both online and off, who struggle with RA and Lupus and OA and any number of other autoimmune diseases. I have a great support system, between them, and my amazing family and friends. I have grown up and grown stronger. I've learned to slow down - that everything doesn't always have to be done at warp speed. I've started to take care of myself better.

And I'm ready to take on the next five, and however many come after that. RA, prepare to get your ass kicked.

---------------------------------
*Title comes from The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino at But You Don't Look Sick. One of the best things I've seen that tries to explain life with a chronic illness.