Happiness damn near destroys you...

The Fray has a song I absolutely love called Happiness.

One of the verses is something I've had quite a lot of experience with:

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that's probably enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

I think we all feel like that sometimes, don't we? Often it is because we're so happy, we could burst, or we're so happy, we just know something is going to come along and mess it up. As Charles Schultz said, through the mouth of Charlie Brown, "I think I'm afraid to be happy, because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens."

The last several months, I haven't been happy. I was happy. I was thrilled with how my life was going. I finally had a grip on things. And then, suddenly, life threw me a curveball, and things got messed up, and I went to the dark place. And right now, I'm finally starting to pull myself out (with a lot of help from a lot of people).

Am I going to stop letting myself be happy? No. Am I going to be afraid to feel joy, because I'm sure sorrow will follow? No. After all, without pain, pleasure wouldn't be half as sweet. Without tears, smiles wouldn't be so beautiful. The things that don't kill us make us stronger. As a favorite Hemingway quote says, "The world breaks everyone and afterward, many are stronger at the broken places."

I'm a survivor. I can get through anything, be it a failed relationship, a disappointing grade, a moment of weakness, a complete mistake of my own making, or anything else the world throws at me. And I will feel pain, and I will be broken again. But I am confident in knowing that I'll also be myself again...and that one day, when I least expect it, without knowing how or why or from where it came, happiness will find its way back to me, and it will feel all the better for having made it through the rain.

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you'll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she'll be home

*************
Go visit Jen and check out other spins this week!

RTT: Holy Productive Tuesday, Batman!

*The boots I ordered have shipped! I should hopefully have them tomorrow, and I am super pumped. I am crossing my fingers that they'll fit perfectly, or at least decently. I can't wait for tall boots and tights :-)

*My 10 year reunion is being planned, and one of the ideas being kicked around is a dinner cruise. It sounds like a great time in theory, but in reality, do I really want to be stuck on a boat with 200 people for 4 hours?

*I was incredibly productive today. Cooked for the week, cleaned the kitchen, straightened up my room, took my lit quiz (100%, thank you!), did my taxes, filed my FAFSA...I am loving Tuesdays this semester. I get so much done!

*I've taken to calling the bottom shelf of my big bookcase my 'nerd shelf' - it has my Harry Potter books, and the books about Harry Potter from a class I took - my Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit box set...My copy of 'The Princess Bride'...My 'Office Space Kit'...'America' by Jon Stewart. I'm a nerd. But I embrace it.

*I started ripping CDs onto my computer this weekend. I think I've done about 50 so far. Only about 600 more to go....

*Time to make some hot chocolate and then go to bed. Long day tomorrow - work and then class, and I have a quiz in Business Stats. Ugh.


As always, go visit Keely for more random thoughts!

Spin Cycle: Everybody's got one...

I am entirely too exhausted to actually write a good post on this. So instead, there's a quote from one of my favorite movies that seemed appropriate for this spin.

"You want free speech? Let's see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil, who's standing center stage and advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours. You want to claim this land as the land of the free? Then the symbol of your country can't just be a flag; the symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest. Show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your classrooms." - The American President

And because I'm loving Aaron Sorkin today,

"Actions are immoral. Opinions are not. And I won't apologize for mine. Discussion is good, and for those of us fortunate enough to be the subject of magazine articles, it may be our responsibility from time to time to try and raise the level of debate." - Sports Night

Go visit Jen to get to some good spins, instead of this!

5 Quotations (a new meme. I'm starting it. WIN!)

I found this going through old Livejournal entries from 2005. Thought it would be fun to redo now :-)
********
Go here and browse the random quotes until you find five that you think reflect who you are or what you believe. Repost and tag five friends (if you want).

1 - If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. - Tallulah Bankhead

2 - It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves. - Edmund Hillary

3 - It is human nature to think wisely and act foolishly. - Anatole France

4 - The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places. - Hemingway (One of my all-time favorites!)

5 - To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe. - Anatole France

TAG!
Rachel!
Auntie!
Momma!
Beth!
Jess!

RTT: I think I can, I think I can.

~Every time I get the question, "Love or money?" I choose money. Is that so bad?

~I just downloaded a new ringtone. It may or may not be Christina Aguilera, 'Keeps Gettin Better'. What can I say? It gets me pumped up.

~I have been listening to some old school music lately. It's taking me back to high school, and the few years immediately following, and it's amazing what a song can do.

~I think I'm already getting the reputation in my online lit class of being contrary. It's not that I honestly disagree with everything that people say on the boards, it's just that they all (literally - ALL) agree with everything the professor says in his lecture, and don't even seem to try to form their own opinions. How much does that drive me crazy?

~I just tried yoga for the first time. I am bendier than I thought I was. I also have absolutely no balance. I foresee many bruises in my future.

~I also just made healthy lunches for the rest of the week. And banana nut muffins. Yum.

~My dreams lately have been out of control. I don't even know where to start on that. Oi.

~I am definitely overwhelmed right now with everything I have going on. Work is insane, and it keeps getting busier, and I keep taking more things on. At least I'm making myself more valuable there. And I'll get through it. I just need to remember to breathe. And maybe lock myself in a soundproof room and scream. That would work too.

~I am definitely considering ignoring some of my homework tonight and going to bed at 9 o'clock.

As always, click the link up top to visit Keely, and find other random thinkers :-)

see i don't know why i don't fall in love...

So, as I have mentioned a couple times now, I started seeing a therapist last Thursday. Tomorrow is my second appointment.

It's odd how much easier it is to talk to a complete stranger than it is to your best friends, sometimes.

I'm hoping this will be beneficial. More and more I look at my life and wonder how I got to where I am, and when I became the way I am. I wasn't always this cynical. I used to believe in true love and happily ever after. I used to let people in a lot easier. That's probably part of my trouble now. I've been let down, broken down, too many times to want to try again.

Maybe seeing her will help me understand why I go for the quick fix instead of something lasting. I'd like to eventually get past that. I'm sick of having these...moments. That's what I feel like every 'relationship' I've been in over the last several years has been - a series of moments that don't connect to me or my life or my heart in any significant way. I always have a foot and a half out the door, ready to run at the first sign of something more than the initial infatuation. Hell, I've let some great guys go, and pushed others away, because of it. At some point, I'd like that to stop.

And if talking my new therapist's ears off for the next few months helps, then that is what I'm going to do.

RTT: Getting it in under the wire

Holy crap. It's Tuesday. Almost Wednesday. How did that happen?

^ School started last Wednesday. I made a color-coded calendar, with all my homework and quizzes and exams and papers and whatever else....I am having anxiety just looking at it. New blog entries will likely be few and far between this semester.

^ I recently cleaned my room and in doing so, cleaned out my dresser. I found several bras that were of the flimsy variety - and in a B cup. These days, the ladies are definitely Ds. It was nice to have a good reason to explore the Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual sale. It was even nicer to get the 3 cute new bras I ordered today. Nothing will make a girl feel hotter than new lingerie (even if only one is of the sexy-hot variety - the other two are cute, and supportive, without being scary three-inch wide straps and 5 hooks up the back)

^ Another order I'm waiting on - my new yoga DVDs, including Yoga for Inflexible People. This is supposed to be great for people with RA, so I'm looking forward to it. I miss how bendy I used to be.

^ I have had a song stuck in my head for days. I have no idea what it is, who sings it, what the actual words are, or the real tune. In my head it just goes 'mmm mmmmmm mm mmmm mmm'. If you have any idea what I'm talking about, let me know :-)

^ As I mentioned last Tuesday, I started seeing a therapist last week. I have a second appointment on Thursday this week. So far, I like her. She is very no-nonsense which is what I need.

^ I did something like 20 loads of laundry between January 2 and last night.

^ My eyes are not really staying open anymore.

^ I think it's beddtime.

^ I'll leave you with this - apparently it is 'Retro Picture Week' on Facebook. I don't know if this is real or just one of my friends deciding, but in any case, I wanted to share my lovely picture.

Is that not the creepiest damn thing you've ever seen? I scare myself sometimes.


Anyway, go back up, and click the link to visit Keely, and find other random thinkers :-)

Spin Cycle: Success!!! A week of cleaning later, here are the after shots!

(You can see the before pictures here)

I didn't know if I would manage to get this done - and true, it isn't complete. I still have another 40 loads of laundry to do. I want to clean my bathroom. But my room is clean, and organized, and I already feel more at peace. Hopefully those of you who got stressed out just from looking at my before pictures will get rid of some tension now :-)

No captions. Just pictures. They speak for themselves!

and lastly....I LOVE my shoes.


*************************

For my fellow full-figured ladies!

If, like me, you don't have calves the size of toothpicks, you may find it difficult to find boots that will zip up. I LOVE tall boots with skirts and tights in the winter and can never wear them since apparently my calves are freakishly fat.

I may have found an answer.

I just ordered these boots from Woman Within. (Awful name, yea?) They have multiple widths AND wide calf boots.

They are on backorder until 1/22, but I figured I would share the wealth now, as they have a special - When you buy any two items on the website, get half off the MORE expensive item. (Promo Code: WWSHOP50)

My cute new boots in a 10W were $27.49.

I have NEVER paid that little for boots.

Most of the products have customer reviews, and I'm sure I'll be adding one. I found those helpful.

I just wanted to share the website and the promotion in case anyone is interested.

Once I get them, I'll let you know how they are!

Just clean my head up doc, I'll give you anything you want (Not- so-R TT)

Thursday after work I have my first session with a therapist.

I've been thinking about finding one for a while - any of you who have been keeping up with my sporadic posting over the last several months can probably see how up and down I've been - last year was a rough year.

I'm not really sure how I feel about therapy. I think it can be beneficial, obviously, but I don't know how I'll do talking about things with a stranger. I can't talk about half of what's on my mind with my closest friends - why do I think someone I've never met will be any different?

Or maybe that's what will help me...I don't know.

I just know that I need to do something before I implode. And if talking to an objective party could help, well, I'd be an idiot not to try.

Have any of you been in therapy? Did it help? (Feel free to email if you aren't comfortable leaving a comment about it. I'm curious)

I guess if anything, maybe I'll start to figure out why I'm so fucked up when it comes to love/relationships. That'd be a good start.

And also, maybe I'll be able to overcome my fear of rectangles....(anyone who gets the reference? Officially my hero.)

Spin Cycle: My life is big and messy, and so is my room (The Before)

The new semester is about to start, so I figured I would finally clean my room...(don't judge me too much - I work full-time, go to school full-time, and my time at home is spent on homework or asleep. So no, I don't have time to clean and keep things neat. And to be honest? I usually don't care!)


and do some laundry....(my bed is under there somewhere)


I think it's quite possible that Jimmy Hoffa is buried in my closet.


I love this little closet door pocket organizer. Unfortunately, lately I haven't been using it much...


This corner was where my desk was. I'm selling it on craigslist and bought a new one (better suited for my laptop), but I want to finish cleaning before I move it in. That actually isn't mess down there - it's the pile of things I'm keeping out of the 8 giant garbage bags I've already filled.


I can't wait til I get my bookcase organized again. That has made me crazier than anything else.


After pictures to come later in the week!!

So this is the New Year...and I have no resolution..

January 1.
Another new year, another list of promises for me to break by January 2.
Another year of setting myself up for disappointment.
Another year of guaranteeing failure.

Wait. What?

I hate New Year's resolutions. I always used to make them, quickly following that with breaking them (record? Three resolutions broken by 12:04am.)

This year, I am bucking that tradition. I am not making any resolutions. Instead, I will share with you my goals for the foreseeable future. This list would be the same even if it was some arbitrary date on the calendar, rather than a new year, fresh start, etc.

1 - Keep my focus. Fall semester I had a lot on my plate, personally, and I lost focus both at school and at work. I don't think my performance suffered that much, but I prefer to give 100% and I found it difficult the last few months. So I would like to learn how to tune out everything else and just power through the task at hand.

2 - Stay organized. Starting that one today with cleaning. I bought a new desk for my room that will be better suited for my laptop than the one I currently have (which means soon I will no longer be hunched over my coffee table trying to type) and I want to get that set up before school starts next week. I think I will feel a lot more sane if I can declutter and make my room somewhere I want to be.

3 - Kick ass at school. I've got two years to go and I want to graduate with honors. I know I can rock a 4.0 if I try hard enough, but I am setting a goal of graduating with a 3.6 or higher so I don't kick my own ass if I have a hard time in a class or two.

4 - Stop making so many bad choices. Helped along by the fact that I'm not drinking.

5 - Get myself back into gear. I have been slacking for far too long. I'm lethargic and lazy and I need to remember how good it feels to move. I'm not setting a goal of losing x amount of weight or going to the gym x times a week, but I need to do something to get out of a chair. It's hard with 40 hours at work and 13 credit hours of school, plus homework, but I need to start giving myself breaks and just getting up and stretching or going for a walk or something. That'll help with my RA as well, which is equally important.

6 - Don't settle for anything less than what I want. I've done that a few too many times recently, and it never ended well. Whether it's relationships, career, school, whatever, I need to remember what I want, and not try to convince myself that something else will be a good backup choice. I'm better than that.

7 - Keep my head up. I had a rough few months, but I'm working through it and I'm starting to feel like myself again. No matter what happens in the next few weeks/months/years, I just have to remember that I am a fantastic person, and I have fantastic people in my life, and no matter what the world throws at me, I have the strength to get through it. And if I somehow can't find the strength within myself, I have twenty people right next to me, ready to pick me up if I find myself at the lowest of lows again.

I think that's about it, at least for now. I'm sure I'll add to this in the next few weeks once I think of other ways I'd like to improve myself.


*******************

Visit Sprite's Keeper and Nanny Goats for more resolutions!