RTT: Love and loss on a windy Tuesday


I'm not quite sure what's going to make its way from my brain to my fingertips right now...my mind's been spinning quite a lot lately...

*It's amazing how one short conversation or exchange can push someone to the front of your mind.

*Thanksgiving is next week. Where did this year go?

*Someone I know just lost his grandfather, whom he was extremely close to - he called him the most influential person in his life. My heart goes out to him right now...

*...especially since it takes me back to when I lost my Gramma K. It'll be 5 years on December 9th, and I still think about her daily, and wonder if she's out there, somewhere, proud of the woman I'm becoming. I hope so. She was the best woman I've known, and if I become half the person she was, I'll be happy.

*My next tattoo (which my fabulous and talented sister will also be getting) will be a tribute to both our Polish heritage, and our grandmother. I'm hoping to get the design done and approved in the next few weeks, although disposable income is in short supply at the moment, so it'll likely be a while before we actually get these.

*I'm suddenly starting to get back to glass half-full, and it feels amazing.

*Last night I posted one of my favorite quotes on Facebook - "Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life, and love shouldn't be one of them." (Dream for an Insomniac)

*I need to keep that in mind. And remember that I'm not willing to settle or compromise.

*With my re-found optimism comes my unfailing faith in true love and happy endings. I'm just older and wiser now, and realize that neither of those things looks the way you expected it to at sixteen.

*Is it too early to put up my Charlie Brown Christmas tree at work?

*I keep changing my answers for The Great Interview Experiment. Someday the very lovely Velvet Verbosity will get my answers back. And in the next day or two, the also very lovely Mel will have questions to answer.

*By the way, if you haven't gotten in on the GIE action, you really should. Follow that link up there and visit the great Neilochka

*If you're a fan of fine (and not-so-fine) art, I suggest you check this out

*That's a lot of links.


Spin Cycle Free Spin: If I knew then what I know now....(a letter to me, age 17)

Dear Andrea -

Hey you. It's your future self here.

I don't mean to spoil any surprises for you, but seriously, it's for the best. Maybe I can save you some heartache along the way. Maybe I can make a difference in both of our lives, if we're really alive at the same time in some strange parallel universe. Maybe I can change the story.

First order of business? Next year at college you're going to meet someone. You're going to fall incredibly hard for him. He is going to be crazy about you, and sweet, and sort of nerdy. He's going to have strong arms and perfect eyes and the way he kisses you will make you lightheaded and you'll think your legs are about to give out. You know how the movies talk about *fireworks*? They didn't lie. Anyway, I know you've decided you are going to save yourself for your future husband. DON'T. You aren't getting married in the next ten years anyway, and looking back, you'll realize that you should've just slept with him and at least had your first time mean something, instead of waking up after a night of heavy drinking on an air mattress after losing it to some guy you just met. (FYI - This might still happen. In that case, there IS a house alarm, and sneaking off at 6.30am? Won't work.)

Back to the first guy. He's going to break your heart. Repeatedly. Over and over and over again. At least six or seven times. The first time was understandable. And everyone deserves a second chance. But really? After that? It's okay to give up. He really wasn't the ONE. You'll finally figure that out at 26 when you see him for the first time in four years and wonder why you were so into him, and why you wasted so many years doing the back-and-forth you two were so good at. Don't be afraid to let him break your heart, but don't make the same mistake I did, and let him break YOU.

Alright, let's move on...

I know right now you're getting excited for your first year of college. You've got a plan, you've got goals, and that's great. Keep your focus! Don't screw around like I did, unless you want to be 27 and still working on your degree. Yes, I messed up. A lot. But the life lesson here? You can ALWAYS redeem yourself. I'm working on it now, but you? You still have a chance to get it right the first time. Take advantage of it.

Next thing. I know you think you're a hideous cow. Really? In a few years you are going to look back at your senior pictures and pray for that body back. I know, you think I'm crazy, but it's the truth. Of course, by the time you hit my age, you'll have settled in where you are and you'll be fairly confident no matter what (which, by the way, will serve you well where men are concerned), but for a while there, you will absolutely HATE the way you look. More than you can even imagine right now. So don't stress out, and enjoy being young and healthy and cute while you can. Own who you are. Your little imperfections make you unique.

Start saving money now. I don't mean what Dad makes you put in your IRA, I mean seriously put away some cash. You're always going to need it, and Mom and Dad won't always be able to help you out. You'll be much better off than I am if you can manage that.

Go visit the grandparents. As much as possible. I know they seem immortal now, but they don't have much time left, and after they're gone, you're going to wish you had listened harder and told them you loved them more. When Grandma K dies, you are going to be an absolute wreck. Let it happen. It'll pass, I promise. You're going to have amazing friends to pull you through.

Don't let it get you down when family members, friends, and complete strangers feel pity for you if you're still single at 20, 25, 30, 45...what's right for someone else may not be right for you. Enjoy being single, enjoy being independent, and do anything you could possibly want to do. If you want to move across the country (and you'll want to, trust me!), do it! This is the time in your life to not be tied down to anything.

You're going to make some mistakes when it comes to men. Everyone does. But don't ever let yourself lose who you are because of a man. And don't ever let a man (or anyone else, for that matter) make you feel like less than what you are. Some mornings you might look in the mirror and not recognize who you've become. You will, just look closer. She's there. That innocent, naive girl who still somehow believes in true love and soulmates and happy endings? She's there. She's just smarter, and less willing to give her heart away until someone has earned it.

You can't change other people, just yourself. And you shouldn't try to change yourself for someone else. If they can't love you the way you are, then you shouldn't waste your time.

Mom and Dad will love you even if you don't do everything the way they think you should. Don't be afraid to disappoint them because while they may give you shit, they'll stand by you when no one else will or can. I know right now you think they're ruining your life half the time, but they really are great parents, and you're a lot luckier than most.

Tell the people you care about that you love them. Every time you can. You never know when they'll be gone. You're going to lose a lot of people in the next decade, some who you never would have expected. You are going to drive around at night crying, wondering why someone was taken from you so soon. You're going to scream and throw things and spend days in bed because you don't want to live in a world where bad things happen. But then you'll start to realize that he wouldn't have wanted you to waste your days like that, and you'll start to move on, and start to feel better. And you'll start to live.

No matter how well you plan out the next ten years of your life, it will change. You can't avoid that. Don't let yourself get set on certain things you *have* to accomplish. If you do, and those things don't pan out, you could spend the next ten years trying to scrape together the rest of your life. Go with the flow, and take time to enjoy the setbacks and detours, because those can be the most beautiful parts of life.

Maybe this won't make a bit of difference. Maybe my life now is how it was meant to be. Maybe no matter what you do in the next ten years, we'll be right here, at this same place, writing this same letter.

I don't want to discourage you. I just want us to have a chance at something different. Something better.

But if this doesn't work? If this is what life is? Well, you can look forward to being strong. Stronger than you thought you could be. You'll be independent, and fearless. You'll have learned from (most of) the mistakes in your past, and have grown up and be smarter for it. You'll have a drive to succeed and a never-say-die attitude. You'll have the best friends and family in the world, and you'll be happy. Sure, you have your issues, but overall? You know who you are and you're loving it. And that's the big life lesson here, teenage Andrea: Your life will be as good as your attitude allows. Enjoy it.

Future Andrea

(By the way, your boobs finally grew. And didn't stop. And now it hurts to run. And walk down stairs. So, thanks for wishing for those every day since you were twelve. Bitch.)

small cycle


RTT: Aren't all my thoughts random?


So, as I have no time anymore to actually post, I figured I would jump on the RTT bandwagon. This could get scary...

*Work fulltime + school fulltime? Maybe not my best idea ever. At least I'm getting SMRT.

*If you ever have to go somewhere and be respectable and serious, it is either the worst idea ever or the best to take someone who you know will make you laugh with her snarky comments.

*Pajama pants at a courthouse? Maybe not the best way to appear as if you are taking your situation seriously.

*I am very sick of making charts. I still love my job, but I'm getting burned out. This may be partly due to random thought #1.

*I met someone.

*I am very sad that I have another full week before there's a new episode of Glee. This long without seeing/hearing my boyfriends? So sad. At least I have most of the songs downloaded so I can get my fix in.

*If I win the lottery tonight, it will be bittersweet. Don't get me wrong, I'll appreciate it greatly, but because of my current situation I wouldn't be able to do all the fun things I'd want to. If it does happen, however, you can rest assured that at some point, the insanity would ensue.

*I need to get the heat fixed in my car. That would probably be the first thing I'd do if I won the lottery. Isn't that just kind of sad?

*I don't know if y'all have heard about this, but you should surely check out The Zombie News Network. It'll slay you. But not before eating your brains.

*I figured out my class schedule for next semester. Nothing on main campus!! As long as I can get what I want, I'll have three online classes, and one at a satellite campus MUCH closer to work/home. SCORE!

*The someone I met is older than me. How much older, I'm not really sure. Probably about 10 years. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

*Dressing up as a cavewoman for Halloween is fun, if for no other reason than getting to beat people with a plastic club.

*I am completely uninterested in the holidays this year. If I could skip the rest of the year, actually, that'd be kind of wonderful.

*The biggest issue with dating a guy that much older than me? We're in different places. At 27 I'm not ready for anything serious (as evidenced by the fact that he's not the only man I've been seeing as of late).

*Ray Lamontagne has been singing me to sleep a lot lately. He's keeping me from losing my mind.

*I think the clock on my desk is losing time.

*My focus has been gone lately. I need my brain to come back to me.

*I have realized in the last few weeks just how many amazing people I have in my life.

*Most often I don't feel like I deserve them.

*I have blog comments I've been meaning to respond to but I just haven't had the heart for it. It's been easier to just shut myself off lately.

*I don't want to hurt him. And I have a feeling I'm going to. So is it better to just cut things off now, before we're any more involved? He's a great guy and we get along so well, and the chemistry is ridiculous. And if I was a few years older, it might be it. But should I really try to fit myself into a relationship that isn't what I want or need?

*If I could get a do-over on the last month of my life, I think that would solve 90% of the issues on my mind right now.

*If you have the power to reverse time, please contact me ASAP.
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