tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78812245617901505862024-03-12T23:42:42.845-04:00gathering.dust...i don't know where i'm wanting to be<br>
i just know i have to be there alone...andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.comBlogger147125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-86616851721897016212017-12-31T13:19:00.003-05:002017-12-31T13:27:10.414-05:00Soundtrack of an Eternal Optimist (2017 in Music)I headed into 2017 expecting a year of growth. A year of progress. A year all about me. <br>
<br>
That's what I got.<br><br>
2017 I was a little selfish. A little narcissistic. A little inward-focused. And that's exactly what I needed.<br><br>
I came into this year a little frayed around the edges. Holding my heart together with tape and glue and hope. Hurting and lost and directionless and having lost a whole lot of my purpose in life. Just starting to pick up the pieces and figure out who the hell I was again.<br><br>
Turns out, I really love who I am. I spent so long being someone's girlfriend, someone's "mom", that I forgot who I was independently of that. I was caught up in what had to be done all the time, on making sure everyone else's days ran smoothly, and I stopped seeing the joy in the little things and basically just got from point A to point B. A friend of mine told me recently that she never saw me really smile until this year, and that hit me SO hard. Me, the girl with a sunshine tattoo! The smiley, friendly girl! I wasn't showing joy? I wasn't actually smiling?<br><br>
Well, that's changed. I have smiled more and harder in the last year than anytime I can remember. I have laughed and spun in circles and cried tears of joy and danced in my car and just felt ALIVE in a way that I can't explain. <br><br>
I wanted to spend this year working on myself - getting fitter, smarter, working harder...and I have. But not in the ways I expected. I don't go to the gym every day, and I certainly haven't come anywhere close to my goals for getting back in shape....but I can hike 8 miles up and down hills and over rocks and I feel stronger. I haven't found my dream job, but I know more about what I don't want to do, and I think I'm on my way...I didn't push myself as hard as I could have, but I also made myself do things that I would never have tried before. I've had new experiences and made new friends and become better than I was.<br><br>
I'm happy in a way I haven't been in years. And I'm full of hope and optimism about what's to come.<br><br>
And I can't ask for more than that.<br><br>
Here is the music that made this year what it was - I hope you enjoy as much as I have.<br><br>
<a href="https://play.google.com/music/playlist/AMaBXynPoisGBlI3SwYpYF4fh5-fyWeCkMcpJQ6CGNbCakQ4GM9Td-F-AR_3x2sbo6KQxjn_XQNMRgzNKhC6kcskGZiw_l6NdA%3D%3D">Google Music Playlist</a><br><br>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL6eRnz2kRA01SivbGW6AhlMeYodTP4wNW">YouTube Playlist</a><br><br>
<br>
<b><u>Soundtrack of an Eternal Optimist</u></b><br><br>
<b>1: Clean - Taylor Swift</b><br><br>
<i>Rain came pouring down when I was drowning<br>
That's when I could finally breathe<br>
And by morning gone was any trace of you,<br>
I think I am finally clean</i><br><br>
2017 was the first year I started alone in a really long time. It was a badly needed clean slate, and I remember being so full of hope as the clock turned to midnight. Lord knows things didn’t always go the way I thought I wanted this year, but overall, I wouldn’t change a damn thing.
<br><br><br>
<b>2: Love is Looking For You - Miranda Lambert</b><br><br>
<i>Maybe you're just jaded <br>
from some nobody's unforgotten words.<br>
Maybe you're just faded, <br>
a little gray from every time<br>
that you've been hurt</i>.<br><br>
One of the biggest things I've been working on throughout the healing process was learning how to let myself believe in anything again. I'm an optimist and a romantic, even on my most cynical days. Last year broke that part of me and getting it back was one of the harder things I've done. I lost so much confidence and certainty and hope and of all the things I lost, I think that was the hardest to deal with. The optimism I have back. The confidence? Let's call it a work in progress.
<br><br><br>
<b>3: I Could Use a Love Song - Maren Morris</b><br><br>
<i>
A long gone drive<br>
You know the kind where you take a turn and you don’t know why<br>
But it clears your mind, a surefire cure<br>
I need something stronger<br>
That’ll last a little longer</i><br><br>
The first time I heard this song it was a sucker punch. I think everyone can relate to the feeling of being jaded and disillusioned about love, and I sure as hell was for a while. The thing I love most about it though – it’s got so much hope in it. I needed that.
<br><br><br>
<b>4: Miss Me More - Kelsea Ballerini</b><br><br>
<i>I forgot I had dreams, I forgot I had wings<br>
Forgot who I was before I ever kissed you<br>
Yeah, I thought I'd miss you<br>
But I miss me more</i><br><br>
That feeling you get when after living your life for others for years, you finally start doing things because it's what you want...When you get back to focusing on yourself and remembering who you are...and realizing that you're becoming the best version of yourself now that it's just you….That feeling? Worth every single damn tear I cried.<br><br><br>
<b>5: Inside Out - Sara Bareilles</b><br><br>
<i>I am small <br>
I feel like no more than nothing at all <br>
But when I lose sight of daylight <br>
And my darkness falls <br>
I'll be strong <br>
And if not now it won't be long <br>
From when I lose sight of daylight <br>
And my hands are weak and my soul is tired <br>
Oh, I'll give my love from the inside out<br>
Take your best shot <br>
Here I stand, heart in hand <br>
And fearless I'm not <br>
But I am what I am</i><br><br>
The best part about this year has been falling back in love with myself after months of self-doubt. I’ve still got my issues and my insecurities and the things I’m working on improving, but overall I am more confident and happier than ever. Life’s pretty great, y’all.<br><br><br>
<b>6: Brand New Me - Alicia Keys</b><br><br>
<i>I don't need your opinion<br>
I'm not waiting for your okay<br>
I'll never be perfect<br>
But at least now I'm brave<br>
Now my heart is open<br>
I can finally breathe<br>
Don't be mad<br>
It's just a brand new kinda free<br>
That ain't bad<br>
I found a brand new kinda me</i><br><br>
This year was definitely when I realized that I don't give a damn about what other people think of me. One of my goals for 2017 was to really focus on myself and becoming the woman I want to be.<br>
I'm not 100% there yet, but I think I get closer to it every day. The progress is what's important, as perfection is impossible (and also boring). I lost so much of myself for so long that I really do feel like an entirely different person - braver, smarter, happier.<br>
The reason for the change may have been tough to deal with and get over, but I'll take that any day, to be in the place I am now.<br><br><br>
<b>7: Begin Again - Taylor Swift</b><br><br>
<i>We tell stories and you don't know why<br>
I'm coming off a little shy<br>
But I do<br>
And you throw your head back laughing like a little kid<br>
I think it's strange that you think I'm funny 'cause he never did</i><br><br>
I don't get nervous often. But this spring, before my first first date in 5 years, I was a hot mess. I was all butterflies and trying to not do or say anything stupid. But it went well, and I had a nice time, and managed to not spill my margarita all over myself. <br>
The biggest issue I discovered, and it's something I need to work on, is that I became a smaller version of myself, trying to rein in the sides of me that are too emotional or passionate or energetic. I don't know why I do this, but that needs to end. The people who love me love those parts of me - why do I think I can't trust a man to do the same?<br>
So that's one of my goals for next year - to be myself in all things, no matter what. To let the ugly and the 'too much' show, because it's all me and I won't let someone pick and choose the pieces of me to love. Not anymore.<br><br><br>
<b>8: Brand New - Ben Rector</b><br><br>
<i>I feel like for the first time in a long time I am not afraid<br>
I feel like a kid, never thought it'd feel like this<br>
Like when I close my eyes and don't even care if anyone sees me dancing<br>
Like I can fly, and don't even think of touching the ground</i><br><br>
I first fell in love with this song this spring, when the potential for a new relationship was there, and it was exhilarating and terrifying and I felt all twirly and twitterpated and like anything was possible.<br>
Well. Clearly, that did not work out. But I got a couple things from it: The knowledge that despite my joking, I wasn't totally dead and cold inside, and I was open to falling for someone again, and also, the complete freedom of deciding I didn't give a damn what anyone thought of me anymore. This song may be what started my whole #meovereverything mindset the last several months - the thought of not caring who sees me, of feeling like I can fly, of being fearless - It's song about a new relationship, but I turned it into a love song to myself.<br>
And lord knows we all need those once in a while.<br><br><br>
<b>9: Don't Waste My Time - Little Big Town</b><br><br>
<i>I'm waiting for the kind of love<br>
that is strong enough<br>
to walk through anything,<br>
so don't waste my time.<br>
I only want to play for keeps,<br>
want to fall in deep,<br>
if you don't just say goodbye,<br>
don't waste my time.</i><br><br>
I definitely hit the point this year where I was just over it. I don't need any more people in my life who can't decide how they feel about me - so I decided to just stop putting my energy into dating, and focus on myself. It's probably one of the best choices I made this year. Life is too short to waste on mediocrity again.<br><br><br>
<b>10: Shake it Out - Florence + The Machine</b><br><br>
<i>
I am done with my graceless heart<br>
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart<br>
'Cause I like to keep my issues strong<br>
It's always darkest before the dawn</i><br><br>
I think just about every playlist I’ve made in the last 6 years has had this song on it. It’s definitely been on year end mixes before – and it’s always some different section that sticks out to me.<br>
I had a rough patch towards the end of summer. Part of recovery, right? We all have ups and downs and the point is not to NOT have them, it’s to not let them completely throw you off.<br>
Well. I got thrown off. For a little while. Stopped working like I had been. Stopped trying to make things better, find something else, do something more. Felt a lot less like me for a couple months.<br>
And then one morning I went for a run and stopped to watch the sunrise between the trees and taking 5 minutes to slow down and breathe and look around was all I needed. And while I’m not where I want to be, and I’ve got a lot, in all areas, to keep working on, I have remembered what I need to be happy and I won’t lose it again.<br><br><br>
<b>11: Fly - Maddie and Tae</b><br><br>
<i>
The road's been long and lonely and you feel like giving up<br>
There’s more to this than just the breath you're breathing<br>
So keep on climbing, though the ground might shake<br>
Just keep on reaching though the limb might break<br>
We’ve come this far, don't you be scared now<br>
'Cause you can learn to fly on the way down</i><br><br>
I’m just going to let this one go with the immortal words of the great Michael Scott: “Never, ever, ever give up.”<br><br><br>
<b>12: Blackbird - The Beatles</b><br><br>
<i>Blackbird singing in the dead of night<br>
Take these broken wings and learn to fly<br>
All your life<br>
You were only waiting for this moment to arise<br>
Blackbird singing in the dead of night<br>
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see<br>
All your life<br>
You were only waiting for this moment to be free</i><br><br>
This has been one of my favorite songs for years, and this summer, as my 35th birthday present to myself, I got it in ink. <br>
It probably sounds cheesy as hell, but after the hurt and loss and brokenness, the ability to just feel happy and free and light again meant so much to me. This is my reminder to never let myself lose it again. <br><br><br>
<b>13: Life Ain't Always Beautiful - Gary Allan</b><br><br>
<i>But the struggles make me stronger,<br>
and the changes make me wise,<br>
and happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time.<br>
No, life ain't always beautiful<br>
but I know I'll be fine.<br>
Life ain't always beautiful<br>
but it's a beautiful ride.</i><br><br>
Happiness looks a lot different at 35 than I expected it to, even just a couple of years ago. It was a bumpy road getting here, but all the twists and turns have made it that much more amazing. This year reminded me that I can't just expect joy to come to me - I have to choose it, every day.<br>
And I have. I'm not saying I don't have bad days, or that I don't get sad or upset or angry anymore - that is far from the case. I'm an emotional person, I feel everything times a hundred.<br>
I'm just making myself remember the little things daily that make me happy, and so the other stuff doesn't seem so bad. <br><br><br>
<b>14: Perfectly Lonely - John Mayer</b><br><br>
<i>
Nothing to do<br>
Nowhere to be<br>
A simple little kind of free<br>
Nothing to do<br>
No one but me<br>
And that's all I need<br>
I'm perfectly lonely.</i><br><br>
That feeling you get when you realize you are happier on your own than you ever were in your relationship - that's a big moment. I came full circle this year in healing, from being nowhere close to ready to start again, to trying it and knowing I was ready for it, to knowing I was ready but just not wanting to bother. That's more or less where I still am - if something comes along, great, but I'm not going to actively pursue anything. (Unless Chris Pratt decides to knock on my door...)<br>
I'm not scared anymore. I just am really loving only being concerned with myself. As one of my oldest friends said, it's been awesome seeing me a little narcissistic the last several months. I gotta say, I've been enjoying it.<br>
But, you know..."And this is not to say, there never comes a day I'll take my chances and start again..."<br><br><br>
<b>15: Rainbow - Kesha</b><br><br>
<i>I'd forgot how to daydream,<br>
so consumed with the wrong things.<br>
But in the dark, I realized this life is short.<br>
And deep down, I'm still a child<br>
Playful eyes, wide and wild.<br>
I can't lose hope, <br>
what's left of my heart's still made of gold.</i><br><br>
This song may be my song of the year. It was all about finding the magic and the light and the joy in things again. As she sings, "maybe I'm still f*cked up, but aren't we all my love?"<br>
I don't need to have it all figured out. I don't need to be perfect. I have scars but they've made me who I am, and I've learned from them all. And now, being able to let go and live and love and dance and sing and smile and be the optimistic girl I was before - it's all I ever needed.<br><br><br>
<b>16: Everybody - Ingrid Michaelson</b><br><br>
<i>Happy is the heart that still feels pain<br>
Darkness drains and light will come again<br>
Swing open up your chest and let it in<br>
Just let the love, love, love begin </i><br><br>
This song is so optimistic and so joyful and so fearless and I love it. Getting myself back to the place of being a positive person took a while. Getting back to a place where I feel like I can trust someone again took longer. But now that I’m back here, I’m ready for it whenever it comes my way.<br><br><br>
<b>17: A Place to Land - Little Big Town</b><br><br>
<i>I dip my toe in the water,<br>
before I know it I'm in over my head.<br>
I try and warm myself by the fire<br>
but I end up getting burned instead.<br>
I sold my soul for a little bit of heaven,<br>
put my heart in the wrong hands.<br>
I’ve gone places where<br>
I swore I would never go again.<br>
See, I’ve never had any trouble falling,<br>
I’m just trying to find a place to land.</i><br><br>
For being the kind of person who makes spreadsheets and lists and looks at all logical angles before making a decision, I really have a huge romantic streak that wants to just let go and jump in head first every time. It’s gotten me in trouble before, and I’m sure it will again, but honestly, I think it’s one of the best sides of me. If I didn’t let myself imagine all the ways things could go right, if I didn’t have big dreams of love and laughter and adventure, would I be the person I am? I don’t think so. So while I definitely did some falling this year, I’d like to do even more in the next. And if all I find is a temporary heaven, a few moments of joy, a fleeting peace….I’m okay with that. Because I’d rather fall and fail than be afraid to jump off the edge.<br><br><br>
<b>18: Little Miss - Sugarland</b><br><br>
<i>Little miss, brand new start...<br>
Little miss, do your part...<br>
Little miss, big old heart <br>
beats wide open, and<br>
she's ready now for love.</i><br><br>
I am pretty sure I keep saying the same thing over and over, but this year definitely was about me falling in love with myself. It's been amazing. I lost so much of who I am and finding all those parts of me and becoming who I want to be again has been beyond rewarding. And I really feel like looking ahead into next year, I'm ready for another adventure - in love, in life...I am openhearted and optimistic and can't wait to see what lies ahead.<br><br><br>
<b>19: I've Got Wheels - Miranda Lambert</b><br><br>
<i>Sometimes these wings<br>
get a little heavy<br>
and I can’t stay between the lines<br>
but I’m rocking steady.<br>
When I can’t fly, I start to fall<br>
but I’ve got wheels<br>
I’m rolling on.</i><br><br>
This was a year of false starts and do-overs. Mistakes were made, things were failed..but the important thing has always been forward motion. And that I believe I've accomplished. I remain, as ever, a work in progress, and that's exactly what I should be. Always improving, always striving to be a little better than I was the day before. And having the knowledge that when one way doesn't work out, another way will present itself as long as I don't give up.<br><br><br>
<b>20: Brave - Sara Bareilles</b><br><br>
<i>Everybody's been there,<br>
Everybody's been stared down by the enemy<br>
Fallen for the fear<br>
And done some disappearing,<br>
Bow down to the mighty<br>
Don't run, just stop holding your tongue.<br>
Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live<br>
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in<br>
Show me how big your brave is.</i><br><br>
One thing I've tried to be this year is more honest. I tend to hold things back and push things down and put on the smiley face and then things just build and build and build until I have a tiny breakdown because I can't find my favorite pen. And that's not been a great way to be. So I've tried to be more open about how I'm feeling or what I want.<br>
I've not always been that successful. I am really not good about opening up and saying what I need or why I feel the way I do - so that's one of my goals for next year. Speak up, stand up for myself - don't just let myself fade into the background because it's easier. I've found my voice a lot over the last year, now I just need to let myself be louder.<br><br><br>
<b>21: Standing Outside the Fire - Garth Brooks*</b><br><br>
<i>We call them weak <br>
Who are unable to resist <br>
The slightest chance love might exist <br>
And for that forsake it all <br>
They're so hell-bent on giving, walking a wire <br>
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire</i><br><br>
This song has been one of my favorites since one of my oldest and best friends introduced me to it twenty years ago. And I think it's the perfect way to close out this year and start off the new.<br>
I want to be fearless. I want to throw myself wholeheartedly into whatever comes my way. I want to dance within the flames and get burned and have scars and not be too afraid to try again. I want to live and love and embrace the fact that I might get hurt, but still give it 100% anyway.<br>
I've been working on this, and this is my real resolution for next year - to take chances, to not over analyze everything - to go with my gut, and make mistakes, and pick myself back up. To know that to screw up and fail and get hurt and then to still try again is what living is about.
Happy New Year, all!<br><br>
<i>*This isn't on the links as Garth keeps his music on lockdown :-(</i><br><br><br>
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HsPaiGaldYQ/WkkqC0A1hgI/AAAAAAAA2ks/6-sqEKbm_ukDS5gEuQNPg2inL0iHN3aGQCLcBGAs/s1600/19466355_10154636220406475_2771934990607217306_o.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HsPaiGaldYQ/WkkqC0A1hgI/AAAAAAAA2ks/6-sqEKbm_ukDS5gEuQNPg2inL0iHN3aGQCLcBGAs/s320/19466355_10154636220406475_2771934990607217306_o.jpg" width="320" /></a>andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-21397723330879698162012-07-08T16:45:00.001-04:002012-07-08T16:45:17.487-04:00Feeling restless.I started this blog July 31, 2008.<br />
<br />
The name, Gathering Dust, came from a beautiful David Gray song that has been one of the themes of my life for a decade. For my twenties.<br />
<br />
In less than two weeks, I turn thiry. And suddenly, I'm not okay with any theme of mine including the lyrics, "my soul is hollow as the sorrowful moon".<br />
<br />
Beyond that, I've kind of failed at this thing. This is my second post this year. And it's to say that I'm jumping ship.<br />
<br />
My first post was titled "feeling restless". I like the symmetry of my final post having the same name. I'm not sure that I'll ever NOT be restless, but I'm starting to feel like I want to be more settled.<br />
<br />
In some ways, I feel like I've found a home here in Nashville, and I'm appreciating the slower pace down here. I've spent a lot of time recently just laying out in the sun, next to the water, letting myself just....be. And it's a beautiful thing.<br />
<br />
My new blog is here - http://beautyofnothing.wordpress.com/ - It's empty right now, but that'll change soon. In the meantime, update your bookmarks.<br />
<br />
I recently read Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, and there was a phrase that really appealed to me - "Il bel far niente" - "The beauty of doing nothing". This is something I'm learning how to appreciate lately and something I will hopefully continue to enjoy, now that I've let myself slow down and relax.<br />
<br />
So, goodbye to feeling like I'm like gathering dust, like I'm on a mission alone. And welcome to feeling like the world is full of beautiful moments, often in unexpected times.andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-4262521085747494862012-04-18T00:17:00.001-04:002012-04-18T00:18:26.710-04:00If I can get through not being able to tie my shoes, I can get through anything.There's a really long post coming in the near future (unless I get lazy) but I just wanted to share this, since I'm starting to try and recruit people for my team for the Arthritis Walk in June. I found this in my email from someone asking me about what Rheumatoid Arthritis has done for and to me.<br />
<br />
"When I was first diagnosed, I went from scared to depressed to scared to pissed off to scared to accepting to scared....Fear is the biggest thing. I don't know how RA is going to end up affecting me in the future. Yes, I can try to control it, and mask the symptoms, but it's always there, and something I'll deal with the rest of my life. There is a lot of uncertainty - will I be able to have kids, will I be able to keep full function of my hands, will I be able to walk thirty years down the line? I don't know, and no doctor can give me a real answer. So it's scary and I can't do anything about it. I'm not someone who is used to being afraid of things, so learning to live with that fear has been a challenge.<br />
<br />
But on the positive note - I've learned how strong I am. I've seen how my friends and family pull around me. I have witnessed generosity with donations to charity walks I do, I have been called an inspiration by loved ones and strangers alike. I've grown up. I've learned that I can't hide behind fear and I can't just let life pass me by because of what might happen when I'm forty. Dealing with RA has turned me into a stronger, more independent woman than I could have imagined. And while I wouldn't say that this made developing a chronic illness worth it, it does make it easier to digest."<br />
<br />
Since I'm currently dealing with leftover pain from my ankle surgery last October, and wondering how much my RA has influenced the residual aches, and I'm getting frustrated that I haven't fully healed by now, I needed to see this. It reminds me I'm only human. And that I can deal with it. And I'll only be stronger when all is said and done.<br />
<br />
I have faith in myself.<br />
<br />
And that's pretty freaking awesome.<br />
<br />
Oh, and if you'd like to donate (or join the team if you happen to be in Nashville area), feel free! I really don't mind!<br />
<a href="http://walkmiddletn.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=492034&u=492034-349621465" target="_blank">Kicking ass and taking names and making RA my b*tch</a>andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-61818329182391280792011-12-31T00:39:00.003-05:002011-12-31T15:48:21.185-05:00Driving Round in Circles (2011, Revisited): A year in music<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ubmMf9UgO2Q/Tv6hDVQ3CHI/AAAAAAAAAXI/HmEeRGf3x80/s1600/confident.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="398" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ubmMf9UgO2Q/Tv6hDVQ3CHI/AAAAAAAAAXI/HmEeRGf3x80/s400/confident.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">It was a roller coaster of a year for me. There were a lot of ups and downs, and a lot of changes. I lost friends I thought I'd have forever, and made amazing new ones. I struggled with how to balance my old life and my new life. I fought the thought of relationships and ended up falling into old patterns with people from the past. I decided on a huge life change, and made it happen. I said goodbye to people I love. I started a new life. It was a year of ups and downs, of heartache and hardening, of regret and release, but, for the first time in a long time, it's a year that ends with hope.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Here is my year and the songs that got me through it. I was going to post something about each of them, but there's some that are just a little too personal. I just picked some lyrics that were appropriate.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">If you would like to download, <a href="http://www.mediafire.com/?uih7cab5cj22h" target="_blank">here is the link</a>. It's also <a href="http://open.spotify.com/user/125408401/playlist/4lc432YlFscCjXg28YUs7r" target="_blank">published on Spotify</a>.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Happy New Year to you all!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Lay Me Down – The Wreckers</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>So shut your mouth<br />
And hold me close<br />
We both know<br />
It's better than being alone</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Just Tonight – The Pretty Reckless</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Just tonight I will stay<br />
And we'll throw it all away<br />
When the light hits your eyes<br />
It's telling me I'm right</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Locked Up – Ingrid Michaelson</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Love, love, love is everywhere<br />
But not a drop for me to drink<br />
Tie me up and bind my feet<br />
Drop me in and watch me sink<br />
Like an angry apple tree<br />
I throw my apples if you get too close to me</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I Hope that I Don’t Fall in Love With You – Tom Waits</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Well the music plays and you display your heart for me to see,<br />
I had a beer and now I hear you calling out for me<br />
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Fairytale – Sara Bareilles </b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>So I sing and hold my head down and I break these walls round me<br />
Can't take no more of your fairytale love</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>cause I don't care for your fairytales<br />
You're so worried about the maiden though you know<br />
She's only waiting on the next best thing</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Set Fire to the Rain – Adele</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>I set fire to the rain<br />
And I threw us into the flames<br />
Where I felt something die<br />
Cause I knew that was the last time</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Bulletproof – La Roux</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Been there, done that, messed around<br />
I'm having fun, don't put me down<br />
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Jar of Hearts – Christina Perri</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed<br />
'Cause you broke all your promises<br />
And now you're back<br />
You don't get to get me back</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Her Diamonds – Rob Thomas</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Oh what the hell she said<br />
I just can't win for losing<br />
And she lays back down<br />
Man, there's so many times<br />
I don't know what I'm doing<br />
Like I don't know now</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Happiness is – Verve Pipe</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Have you ever felt so out of place</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>That the smile on your face</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Was to keep from cryin’</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>I don’t know how we get so out of touch</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>But I don’t want much</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Just to keep on tryin’</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Goodbye – Drive By Truckers</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>We were really great friends and I always thought<br />
that it would be that way<br />
Yet I wonder if I'd know you if the guy that I saw<br />
last walked in here today</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Gathering Dust – David Gray</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>I got no reason <br />
But that I must <br />
Maybe I feel <br />
Like I've been gatherin' dust</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Melt My Heart to Stone – Adele </b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Why do you steal my hand<br />
Whenever I'm standing my own ground<br />
You build me up, then leave me dead</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Sway – Heartless Bastards</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>I looked into the eyes, the eyes of everyone I know<br />
And the days go by wondering where to go<br />
I was searching all, searching all the time</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) – Green Day</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>So make the best of this test, and don't ask why</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Rewind – Stereophonics</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>'Cause change is okay</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>What's the point in staying the same</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Regrets, forget what's dead and gone</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>If you could rewind your time</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Would you change your life?</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The House That Built Me – Miranda Lambert</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>You leave home, you move on </i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>and you do the best you can. <br />
I got lost in this whole world </i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>and forgot who I am.</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I’m Movin’ On – Rascal Flatts</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Finally content with a past I regret</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>For once I'm at peace with myself</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>I have been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>I'm movin' on</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Second Chance – Shinedown </b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Sometimes goodbye is a second chance</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Free and Easy (Down the Road I Go) – Dierks Bentley</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Can't take it with you when you go so<br />
Free and easy down the road I go<br />
Someday I know it's gonna take me home so<br />
Free and easy down the road I go</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Home – Foo Fighters</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Wish I were with you<br />
I couldn't stay<br />
Every direction<br />
Leads me away</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Are We There Yet – Ingrid Michaelson</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>They say that home is where the heart is<br />
I guess I haven't found my home<br />
And we keep driving round in circles<br />
Afraid to call this place our own</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">On the Road to Find Out – Cat Stevens</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Then I found my head one day when I wasn't even trying <br />
And here I have to say, 'cause there is no use in lying, lying <br />
Yes the answer lies within, so why not take a look now?</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Again Today/Hiding My Heart – Brandi Carlile</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Who's gonna break my fall<br />
When the spinning starts<br />
The colors bleed together and fade<br />
Was it ever there at all<br />
Or have I lost my way<br />
The path of least resistance<br />
Is catching up with me again today/</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>But like everything I've ever known<br />
You'll disappear one day<br />
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Let the Rain – Sara Bareilles</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>And if I were fearless<br />
Then I'd speak my truth<br />
And the world would hear this<br />
That's what I wish I'd do</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Here We Go Again – Justin Townes Earle</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Now I like to think that</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>I’m no fool for love</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>I can’t help but feel as though</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>I play one every time</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Little Miss – Sugarland</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Little miss, brand new start<br />
Little miss, do your part<br />
Little miss, big old heart beats wide open and she's ready now for love<br />
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright<br />
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Fearless – Colbie Cailat</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>If it's between love and losing</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>or to never have known the feeling</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>I'd still side with love</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>and if I end up lonely</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>at least I will be there knowing</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>I believed in love</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Many the Miles – Sara Bareilles</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Cause I've had my fair share of take care and goodbyes<br />
I've learned how to cry<br />
And I'm better for that</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Turning Tables – Adele</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>I can't keep up with your turning tables</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>under your thumb, I can't breathe</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>So I won't let you close enough to hurt me</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>I can't give you, what you think you gave me</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>It's time to say goodbye to turning tables</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Further North – Jets to Brazil</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>This year took ten years to tell me that I’m alone again…</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Everything here's about to break.<br />
I'm one inch from all that I can take,<br />
and it's beautiful and sad, but it's all that I have</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Shake it Out – Florence + The Machine</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>I am done with my graceless heart<br />
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart<br />
Cause I like to keep my issues strong<br />
It's always darkest before the dawn</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Life is Beautiful – Vega4</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Life is beautiful, but it's complicated.<br />
We barely make it.<br />
We don't need to understand,<br />
There are miracles, miracles.</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Skyscraper – Demi Lovato</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>As the smoke clears, I awaken<br />
And untangle you from me<br />
Would it make you, feel better<br />
To watch me while I bleed?<br />
All my windows still are broken<br />
But I'm standing on my feet</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">What a Year for a New Year – Dan Wilson</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Soon we'll be lying in our beds</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>And new dreams will fill our heads</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>And the old ones will be ended</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Hope we'll forget about this place</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Let it go without a trace</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Wipe the teardrops from our faces</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>What a year for a new year</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div>andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-26045568126864752662011-09-26T20:42:00.001-04:002014-09-26T09:50:16.345-04:00in memoriam.My grandfather was a flawed man. I know that.<br />
<br />
He never painted himself a saint, and that might be one of the things I admired most about him. He knew he had made mistakes in his life, and he changed things, and he taught me that no matter what I do, I can always turn myself around.<br />
<br />
My grandfather was a teacher. I experienced that.<br />
<br />
He used to bring home scrap wood and let my sister and I make the most ridiculous damn creations out of tin cans and two by fours and for some reason, he trusted us to use hammers and nails and not kill each other. Because of him, I am strong, and independent, and can hang pictures and put together furniture and try to figure out to how fix something myself before I get help.<br />
<br />
My grandfather was a packrat. I saw that.<br />
<br />
He saved EVERYTHING. The garage at my grandparents house was full of empty bottles and stacks of magazines and an airplane propeller. He kept a lot of things that were probably junk, but he also kept the pictures and poems my sister and I did for him and my grandma. I still have some of them. A lot of times, we'd be in the car heading somewhere, and he'd stop on the side of the road and pick up a stool, or a box of books, or a toy he thought my sister and I might like. And then he'd clean it up, and it was as good as new, and when I was younger, when I wanted the 'latest and greatest', I didn't appreciate it as much as I do now. <br />
<br />
My grandfather was a clown. I heard that.<br />
<br />
The most common phrase I heard him say was 'Do you believe that fib?' He was always telling a joke or making up a funny story or doing anything he could to get my sister and I to laugh. Part of my inherent goofiness definitely comes from him.<br />
<br />
My grandfather was a wise man. I listened to that.<br />
<br />
From the time I was just starting to notice boys, he always told me, 'Andrea, don't get married young. Maybe not ever. Men are idiots.' As I got older, the advice changed a bit: 'Andrea, you're a smart young lady and don't settle for someone dumber than you like your grandma did.' Most recently, it was, 'This is my beautiful granddaughter. I hope she finds someone worthy of her.' The advice changed, but the love behind it never wavered.<br />
<br />
My grandfather was a romantic. I loved that.<br />
<br />
He loved his wife. His Jennie. They were together over fifty years. Fifty years. Does that even happen anymore? You can see in the pictures of them when they were young that they were head over heels in love. And through the years, that love stayed with them. They truly were soulmates. When my grandma died almost seven years ago, I thought for sure we'd lose him soon after.<br />
<br />
My grandfather was a loving man. I felt that.<br />
<br />
One thing I never doubted was my grandpa's love for me. And for my sister. And my father. And my grandma. He did what he could to make sure that our lives would be just a little bit easier. He gave advice and doled out hugs and always had an extra dollar for some cotton candy if I needed it. He cared so much about his family, even when it was sometimes hidden by silly jokes and a little bit of cantankerousness. He loved us so much.<br />
<br />
I feel blessed that I had my grandfather in my life for 29 years. That's a gift that so many others don't get. It makes it harder to say goodbye, but it makes it easier to remember. And I don't believe in much anymore, but I believe with every single fiber of my being that when he left this world this morning, he met my grandma on the way to whatever is waiting for us after this life....and just like when they were both here, their hands just naturally found each other's.<br />
<br />
I love you always, Big Kid.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FJA0TQkVsY8/ToEbs4IWauI/AAAAAAAAAVE/E4cXgWroY90/s1600/Bernard+P+Kruszka+war+years.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FJA0TQkVsY8/ToEbs4IWauI/AAAAAAAAAVE/E4cXgWroY90/s400/Bernard+P+Kruszka+war+years.jpg" height="400" width="266" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>April 4, 1919 - September 26, 2011</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-16276095943058283382011-08-13T23:06:00.002-04:002011-08-14T10:51:06.129-04:00it's a long trip alone...I don't want any more ties here. It's already going to be hard enough to leave. I'm already wondering who of my friends will continue to be a part of my life when I'm 600 miles away. There are some people who I have complete faith in, who I know will come visit me, who I'll make sure I see when I come back up here. There are people I'll keep in touch with through email and Facebook and text. But there are people who after I move will make an effort for a while, but a year from now, will only remember me as the loud, weird, clumsy girl who had way too much crap at her desk and loved to bake. And I know that's just what happens...people change, and grow up, and move away and move on. And the people who are important will stay important. And I'll meet new people and start new friendships and maybe, just maybe, find someone to love.<br />
<br />
But that doesn't mean that it's not hurting me to think about. I'm too emotional for my own good, especially lately. One of my coworkers has joked that she's going to make me cry as much as possible before I leave.<br />
<br />
It's not hard to do. Lately, it's a song or a quote or a TV show or a memory and all of a sudden I'm just a mess. I'm absolutely terrified that I'll move and cling so hard to the people I love here that I'll never meet anyone down in Nashville to start taking their places.<br />
<br />
<br />
The thought of anything making this even more difficult just kills to think about.<br />
<br />
And so I find myself, with two and a half months left to go, pulling away. Choosing nights at home over spending time with the people I care about. Separating myself, distancing myself....trying to make it easier.<br />
<br />
Except now I'm living in this weird transition period of enforced loneliness. And I hate it. It's not the kind of person I am. I'm social. I'm outgoing. I want to surround myself with all these amazing people I know. But I don't want to deal with losing all of them at once. It just feels like it should be easier this way.<br />
<br />
But....I'm lonely. Incredibly lonely. And while I sit here, watching The Office and crying to myself, trying to relax with a glass or two of wine, I think....it's going to be so much harder once I move, and when I'm lonely, I'll actually be alone.<br />
<br />
Maybe I'm just having one of those nights where the world feels huge and I feel small....and maybe things will seem a bit different in the light of day. But right now, tonight? I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to do this.<br />
<br />
<br />
andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-74271828327542772102011-04-28T17:30:00.000-04:002011-04-28T17:30:01.286-04:00I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my nameI'm making plans. Lots and lots of plans.<br />
<br />
Career-changing plans. Pick-up-my-life-and-move-600-miles-away plans. Life-changing plans. Terrifying, exhilarating plans.<br />
<br />
I've lived my whole life in the Detroit area. It's what I know. It's comfortable. I have family here. God knows I have friends here. My *history* is here.<br />
<br />
So why am I skipping out on everything, and moving to Nashville?<br />
<br />
Of course, a big part of it is my parents. And my sister. And my grandpa. They live in Tennessee, a little more than an hour east of Nashville. Being so far away from them now is awful. I hate that I don't get to see them more than a few times a year.<br />
<br />
Part of it is my job. I like my job. And I'm good at it. But this isn't what I thought I would be doing for the rest of my life. Even when I went back to school with the intent of advancing in the company, I didn't know if I was doing it because I loved my job, or if I loved the company. As much as I enjoy the place I work and the people I work with, I can't see myself staying happy here. It feels like settling for something I never thought I'd do for too long, when there are a million other things I'd rather take a chance at.<br />
<br />
And then there's the part of me that just wants the adventure...I've always saw myself moving somewhere else, and I'm at the point in my life where if I don't do it now, I won't do it ever. Better to pack up my life and start it fresh while I'm young, and single, and have nothing tying me down to Michigan.<br />
<br />
I'm incredibly excited for this new chapter in my life to start. I can't wait to find new places, meet new people, build a new life from scratch.<br />
<br />
But damn if I'm not terrified.<br />
<br />
What if I get there and hate it? What if I find a job and can't stand it? What if the new friends I make can't compare to the ones I have now? What if the people I have in my life, the people I love dearly, forget about me when I'm 9 hours away?<br />
<br />
What if I fail?<br />
<br />
I could make myself crazy with the hundreds of "What ifs?" going through my head. <br />
<br />
But I would make myself crazier if I didn't allow myself to take this chance.<br />
<br />
There's something magical about a second chance. Of starting over where no one knows me...no one knows my history, my mistakes, my regrets. No one knows the things I've done to hurt people, or the people who have torn me to shreds. It's a chance to become someone completely different...or to improve on the person I already am.<br />
<br />
And for all the worries, all the fear...there's so much more hope. And promise.<br />
<br />
Not only will I be someone with no history, but all the people I meet? They'll be strangers - not people I've grown up with, not people I've worked with, not people who I have seen through all sorts of phases and pieces of their lives.<br />
<br />
When I walk into a room, I won't be the girl who runs into walls all the time and trips over nothing (although god knows they'll see that in time). I won't be the girl who makes bad choice after bad choice. I won't be the girl who is outgoing and happy all the time. I won't have to be what people expect of me anymore, because no one will expect anything.<br />
<br />
There's something freeing about a second chance.<br />
<br />
I'll miss the people who really know me...The people who I trust, the people who I would call crying at 3am, the people who I could sit and watch movies and drink wine and laugh for hours with. I'll miss the people who know what I'm thinking just by the look in my eyes, the way my mouth twitches, the way my eyebrow raises slightly. <br />
<br />
I'll miss getting in my car and driving to a friend's house without having to think about where I'm going. I'll miss the bars where they know my name. I'll miss the restaurant where I don't even have to say my order out loud.<br />
<br />
I'll miss being able to drive by my grandparents' old houses, remembering where I came from. I'll miss the late night drives up and down roads I've been down so many times before. I'll miss the section of road I drive down that all at once calms me, and frees me, and gives me peace.<br />
<br />
There's something heartbreaking about a second chance.<br />
<br />
There's a lot of reasons to stay, but just as many to leave. And I think I owe it to myself to just let myself leap.<br />
<br />
It's bittersweet, to be sure, but it's what I have to do. And while I will miss what I'm leaving, I look forward to all the possibilities I'll be gaining.<br />
<br />
I'm terrified. I'm exhilarated. I'm nervous. I'm contemplative.<br />
<br />
But the one thing I'm not is settling.<br />
<br />
And that's all the encouragement I need to know that this is the right choice.andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-35019845208715413382011-02-17T00:01:00.044-05:002011-02-17T00:01:00.689-05:00The apple doesn't fall far from the tree....(Happy birthday, Momma!!)My <a href="http://tennlady-generational.blogspot.com/">mom</a> used to love getting my <a href="http://saradoxical.blogspot.com/">sister</a> and I to call her "<a href="http://randiann.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/mommiedearestor5.jpg">Beautiful</a> <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mommie_Dearest">Mommie</a> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082766/">Dearest</a>".<br />
<br />
I think that helps explain where my twisted sense of humor comes from.<br />
<br />
When I was younger, I didn't see much of my mom in me. I was always shy, and super sensitive. Mom is outgoing, sparkly, a force of nature. I seem to remember being convinced I was adopted at one point, because I felt so different from my family (and also, because I had just read the Babysitter's Club book where Claudia thinks she's adopted...all of you girls of the 80s know what I'm talking about).<br />
<br />
But as I grew up and broke out of my shell, I started to see more of her in me. We have the same stubborn streak. We have the same weird sense of humor. We are outgoing and tend to get sucked into whatever it is we are working on. We can both read for hours on end. We have the same smile and the same eyes, although mine have more green in them. And we both enjoy a good margarita and movie night, although it's been a while since we've had one of those.<br />
<br />
<br />
I am blessed in that my momma is also one of my best friends. I think that happened once I moved out of the house. It's a lot easier to talk about problems and boys and work and the latest boneheaded thing I did when I don't need to worry about being grounded because of it! Also, when there are two people so similar (especially with that stubbornness...), it's better for everyone else if they aren't in close quarters all the time - because when we clash? EVERYONE knows it.<br />
<br />
She knows when I'm lying. Whether it's lying about where I was or who I was with or if I am doing okay or if I am trying to choke back tears on the phone, she always can tell. And she will NOT hold back on telling me the business. She knows how to give tough love, and while at times when I was younger I hated it, now I know it's exactly what I needed then, and it's still what I need now. And while I am sure I screamed at her much more than she deserved how much I "hated" her, and how she was "RUINING MY LIFE!", she managed to make it through my teenage years without locking me in a closet, instead displaying infinitely more patience and love than I deserved at the time. Now I can look back on those times and realize that she just wanted what any good parent wants for their child - the best world has to offer. And if she had to push me to get it, that's exactly what she did. I resented it then, but I wouldn't be the independent, strong, and resilient woman I am today without that. And I will always be grateful for that. <br />
<br />
<br />
The only reason I would ever consider moving to Tennessee is to be close to my parents (and sister!) again. It's hard not being around them. I miss my mom so much sometimes....There's no one who knows how to make me laugh like she does, or who can comfort me in quite the same way. When my best friend moved to California, after I left her house the last time, I went straight to my parents' and cried on my mom's shoulder. When I was nervous about a first date with someone I wasn't quite sure about, she talked me down over email. I always want to share everything with her, from how work is going to my birthday plans to the newest guy I have fallen hard for. She's always on my side, just happy that I am safe and healthy, even if I have done something fairly (or, let's face it, EXTREMELY) stupid.<br />
<br />
<br />
I have a lot of 'second' mothers, and I have the best aunties in the world, but nothing compares to a mommy. And mine is the best. And while we haven't always seen eye to eye, we have always loved each other, and we will always bring out both the best and the worst in each other, and really? I couldn't ask for more.<br />
<br />
I love you, Momma! Happy [redacted] annual 28th birthday!<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">(You think I'd give her actual age? I'd like to live to see my next birthday myself!)</span>andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-9441604654889554612010-12-31T22:07:00.000-05:002010-12-31T22:07:30.007-05:00And I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance...Oh, 2010. Sometimes saying goodbye is really rather easy.<br />
It was a mostly good year...the highlights were wonderful - I met some amazing people, a couple of whom have become a couple of my closest friends. It's hard to believe that a year ago I hadn't met them yet, as we easily fell into friendships that seem like they've lasted a lifetime. I got to spend Christmas with my whole immediate family, something that hadn't happened since 2003. I started to really gain some self-confidence, which was something I had been lacking the previous 27 years. I got my own place and in just over two months, have really turned it into a home.<br />
But as always, there were plenty of dark spots on the year. I made some mistakes, and I'm sure I'll make some of them again. I hurt some people. I hurt myself. I wasted time worrying about things that I couldn't change. I wasted time trying to change things I couldn't. I lost myself more times than I care to remember, and I'm still not sure that I'm growing into the woman I want to be.<br />
I've kept myself closed off from so many things. I want so badly to be the happy, successful, independent woman that I maybe turned my back on anything that got in the way...including a couple chances at relationships that, while they may or may not have worked out, could have been something I needed. I never trusted anyone enough to let them in, to believe they wouldn't hurt me. I continued to look at everything with the cold eyes that I've gotten so good at seeing out of.<br />
And that is what disappoints me the most about this year - that I didn't even let myself try. That I didn't take any risks. That I said, "Oh no, I know better - I know that this will never go anywhere. I know that you're just going to make me cry in the end, so let's not call it anything more than it is. And we can go our separate ways, and I can keep being the girl who doesn't care about love."<br />
Well. That was stupid.<br />
Am I really better off not having let myself fall? Am I happier tonight, alone and avoiding people than I would be if I were with someone who may not have been perfect? Did I cry less this year than last? Has my heart broken fewer times? Has it ever even healed from the last time? Don't I owe it to myself to let myself believe in someone other than myself?<br />
<br />
So. I don't have any New Year's resolutions. But I do have a new goal in my life - this year and every one after that. Keep my heart open. Let it make some decisions. Stop overthinking everything. Stop assuming the worst out of every situation just because that's all I've had in the past. Believe that the best way to finally heal a broken heart is to let it bleed again. Stop settling for all the moments of the past - all the moments that have just led to regret and tears with no one to help dry them. Let myself take some chances, make some mistakes, but know that they are leading somewhere other than a lifetime of keeping myself apart from any chance of love I'll ever have. Keep dreaming. Let love in.<br />
<br />
Welcome, 2011. I can't wait to meet you in a couple hours with open arms and an open heart.andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-28822426572683942132010-12-09T10:17:00.001-05:002010-12-09T10:19:33.270-05:00The most beautiful smile is the one that struggles through the tears (in memoriam)Six years ago today, the world lost a hero. A quiet, gentle, reluctant hero, but a hero nonetheless. She may have seemed an ordinary woman to the rest of the world, but to me, she was the woman I strove to become (and still do). Six years ago the world got a little bit darker, but to those of us who knew her, we discovered there are some lights that don't go out.<br />
<br />
I wrote this on my grandmother's birthday last May, and I can't think of a better tribute to her memory than sharing it again - than letting people know that this amazing woman lived, and loved, and made me who I am. I miss her often - when something big happens and I can't tell her, or when I make spaghetti from her recipe, or when I glance at one of the pictures I have of her and my grandpa when they were young, or in so many quiet moments when I see a little bit of her in me. <br />
************************<br />
<i>May 2, 2010</i><br />
My next tattoo is going to be 'Que sera, sera' in script on my wrist. And it's going to be in memory of my Grandma K, who said that all the time.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/S93Dgpne2kI/AAAAAAAAAQQ/yjZVX91rRmU/s1600/Jennie+Ben+dinner.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/S93Dgpne2kI/AAAAAAAAAQQ/yjZVX91rRmU/s320/Jennie+Ben+dinner.jpg" /></a>Today would be her 92nd birthday.<br />
<br />
It's impossible for me to not think about her most of the time, but today especially. There are some people in your life who shape you, who push you, who make you better, and my grandmother was one of those.<br />
<br />
Every struggle I've had in my life...every war I've waged, whether it was against myself or others....every thing I've ever tried and failed at and tried again....The part of me that refuses to give up or give in, that refuses to accept limitations, that refuses to surrender...that comes from my grandma. She was a woman who survived anything that came at her. She battled and beat cancer more than once. She stood by her husband and her child and her grandchildren whatever happened. She did everything she could to make sure that her son and his children would have a good life. She looked for the best in people. She looked for the best in life. She was an optimist and she passed that on.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/S93KgkImQKI/AAAAAAAAAQY/rdjuTYEpJ_Q/s1600/Bernard+%26+Jennie+beach.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/S93KgkImQKI/AAAAAAAAAQY/rdjuTYEpJ_Q/s320/Bernard+%26+Jennie+beach.jpg" /></a></div>And she was beautiful! In all the ways that mattered, and in many that didn't. She had the kindest eyes I've ever seen. Full of compassion and caring, but with a glint of humor. She was always ready to laugh. Always ready to humor a child by listening to a stammered knock-knock joke, or bumbling story, and laughing her heart out. She could make you feel like the only person in the world she could possibly want to be listening to. She was selfless and funny and generous and loving and big-hearted and a force of nature. She knew when to make you laugh, or when to take you in her arms and comfort you with soft words and hugs. She displayed a stick figure drawing on her refrigerator with the same care as a straight A report card. She would take the time to do whatever it took to make other people happy, whether it was finding the perfect present, or cutting up watermelon into the kind of slices you preferred. She was a great cook and I wish I had cared more when I was younger so I could have learned more from her. I think of all the times I spent at her house, and wish that I had listened a littler harder, paid a little more attention, asked more questions. There is so much I could have discovered, so many things I wish I knew!<br />
<br />
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/S93UJANstuI/AAAAAAAAAQg/WH0pZR4kmGE/s1600/me+and+gramma+k.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/S93UJANstuI/AAAAAAAAAQg/WH0pZR4kmGE/s320/me+and+gramma+k.jpg" /></a>Grandma died 5 years ago this past December. It seems like yesterday, and a thousand years ago, all at once. There's not a day of my life that I don't think about her, feel her, discover another part of the influence she had over my life. I was unbelievably blessed to get to spend so much of my time with such an incredible woman. Some of my happiest memories from childhood are the times I spent at my grandparents' house, my sister and I dressing up in stupid outfits, or 'building' things in the backyard, or just sitting at the table coloring with Grandma. She was content with simple pleasures, and the greatest one of those was seeing her son and his children happy and healthy.<br />
<br />
It's been over 5 years. And I'm starting to forget some of these things. I'm starting to forget the smile, and the softness, and the easy way she could turn an entire day around. I'm starting to forget the sly look in her eye when she was teasing my grandpa, and the look of her hands as she worked in the kitchen. And that scares me. How could I possibly forget any part of this amazing woman?<br />
<br />
But then I look at my dad. And I look at my sister. And I look at myself. And I imagine the sons or daughters I may someday have.<br />
And I realize that no matter how long she has been gone, her legacy will live on. Her touch on our lives will reach into the next generation, and the one after that, and however many come after.<br />
<br />
And I know that she'll be looking down on all of us with love in her eyes and a smile that comes from the heart, giving a little push whenever we need it, and being the quiet voice in our heads, reminding us that whatever will be, will be.andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-70897855316478437402010-11-25T13:27:00.000-05:002010-11-25T13:27:43.842-05:00I'm bound to thank you for it....(A tribute to the best people in the world)I generally have all these things in my head on a daily basis, but it's Thanksgiving, and what better time to say it (write it?) out loud? Especially for the people in my life - you don't ever get enough credit. So, on this day of thanks and love, I would like to hopefully give you back something for all the amazing things you've given me.<br />
<br />
To my family - While we may be a <strike>certifiably insane</strike> <strike>psychotic</strike> <strike>completely batshit crazy</strike> <strike>how the HELL aren't you all institutionalized</strike><i>*quirky*</i> bunch, we are all also fiercely loyal to each other, and while we all may give each other all kinds of grief about just about anything, it's only because we care. I have been incredibly blessed to have the extended family I do - it's made my parents and sister moving over five hundred miles away a little easier. And my parents! Never has the world known two more amazing and supportive people - I know I am biased, but I truly do have the best parents ever. And because of them, I have my big sister, who is my hero and protector and partner in crime and confidant and best friend all in one. Of course, I can't not mention my grandfather who is 91 and will probably still have me cracking up at corny jokes when I see him next month. And I can't forget the ones who've passed on: Grandma K and Grammy and Popu. They played a huge role in shaping the woman I am today.<br />
<br />
To my friends - Never has a girl been so lucky to have so many wonderful people in her life. The last year or two has had a lot of ups and downs, and I never would have made it through without my friends. Whether it's the people I've known for twenty years, the soul mate I met in middle school, or the person I met six months ago who quickly turned into one of my best friends, every single one of them has changed my life for the better. Some people I am lucky enough to see every day (and lucky enough to have them keep me sane during long work days), and others close to that often. Others I only see every few months - for some of them, it doesn't matter how much time has passed - we pick up right where we left off. I am so grateful for the co-workers who have turned into friends, and the friends that have turned into family.<br />
<br />
I love you guys all so much, and honestly? I wouldn't be here without you. You keep me going, keep me breathing, keep me smiling, and definitely keep me laughing. For all of the times you've let me pass out on your sofa, cry on your shoulder, use you for your ability to lift heavy things, join your family for holidays when I didn't have a place to go...thank you. For installing extra locks on my door, for picking me up when my car was out of commission, for picking up the check when you knew I was low on funds, for taking me out dancing when I needed some cheering up, for telling me I would be okay when I was sure I wouldn't....thank you. For pushing me through some of the hardest times I've faced, for picking me up off the floor when I thought I was done, for giving me a hug and a smile and a word of encouragement, for supporting me and challenging me and saving me....I can never thank you enough. I'd be nothing without you, but with you, I have everything.<br />
<br />
Lots of love, and wishes for a wonderful and safe holiday season to all you and yours. andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-14222750305714812122010-09-28T15:44:00.003-04:002012-09-28T08:49:24.275-04:00Some people want to fill the world with silly love songs (An anniversary post)<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="231" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/TKJBKlT1inI/AAAAAAAAASY/AUsPi-8baI4/s320/ourfirstdate.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>March 10 - The first date</i></td></tr>
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</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Two people meet. They’re polar opposites. She comes from a huge family. He’s an only child. She’s outgoing and vivacious. He is introverted and serious. She is creative and he is logical. Her sarcastic streak is legendary. His sincerity can’t be questioned. They share the same silly nature, the same fierce loyalty, the same big-heartedness. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Two people meet. Their differences bring them together. Their chemistry is undeniable. Some people don’t understand it. Some people question them, maybe think they’re moving too fast. Some people think there’s no chance this will last.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some people didn’t know what they were talking about.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/TKJBKlT1inI/AAAAAAAAASY/AUsPi-8baI4/s1600/ourfirstdate.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
He was dating someone else when they met. Luckily for them (and for my sister and I!) that fizzled out – I like to think fate had a hand in that. In November of 1978, they began a flirtation that would build until they finally went on their first date in March. </div>
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<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="256" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/TKJBZrnhd3I/AAAAAAAAASk/YdwJWIybX8E/s320/Anne&BernardMay1979+crop.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>May, about a week before getting engaged</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Two months and three days after their first date, they got engaged. On May 13, my father asked my mother to spend the rest of her life with him. She forgot to say yes, too swept up in the joy of the moment.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Four months and just over two weeks later, they were married. It was a simple wedding, but the love in the room must have been obvious for anyone to see. They were both glowing – radiant, even.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Several months later, they welcomed their first daughter. Two years and three months after that, they had their second. It was a family that struggled with the things all families deal with, but above everything else, it was a family that loved each other fiercely. It was a home where two little girls grew up seeing what a family could be, and looking forward to the day when they could have their own. It was a home where even though the parents fought sometimes, they never walked away. They cared enough to stick it out. It was a partnership. </div>
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<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="257" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/TKJBMv57krI/AAAAAAAAASg/CTB4y1GNIDI/s320/Our+wedding.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>September 28, 1979</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/TKJBMv57krI/AAAAAAAAASg/CTB4y1GNIDI/s1600/Our+wedding.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a>Thirty-one years later, they are still madly in love. They still turn to each other when one of their songs comes on the radio, exchanging a secret look. They still call each other by nicknames developed decades ago. They still instinctively grasp hands when walking through the grocery store. They still have their little spats, and they still figure out a way to work through them. They still remember every anniversary – first kiss, first date, the day they got engaged, and of course, the day they said “I do.” They’re still in it. For the long haul.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Two people meet. They take a chance. They start a life.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thirty-one years later, they’ve raised two daughters. Both of those daughters are strong, and smart, and happy. They both could be accused of being picky – of thinking that no one is good enough for them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But those two daughters? They know that’s not the case.</div>
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<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/TKJBLlnpImI/AAAAAAAAASc/px3nf2VWJ1U/s320/2008-+Bernard++Anne.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>October 2008</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They just know what love can look like. And they’re not willing to settle. Because for their entire lives, they’ve seen what real love can be. And they won’t stop looking until they find that.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad. Thanks for teaching me about love, about life, and about holding out for something spectacular. And thanks for giving me and Sara an example that we can look up to – an example of how while love isn’t always easy, it’s always worth it.</div>
andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-63917876581310894432010-09-16T10:36:00.001-04:002010-09-16T10:36:58.255-04:00Could this just be the day, I think, when anything is possible?Fall weather is here and it makes me listen to David Gray a lot...so here you go. <br />
<br />
Using only song titles from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions.<br />
<br />
Pick Your Artist: David Gray<br />
<br />
<b>Describe yourself:</b> Gathering Dust<br />
<b>How do you feel about yourself:</b> Holding On<br />
<b>If you could go anywhere, where would you go:</b> From Here You Can Almost See the Sea<br />
<b>What do you want to do right now:</b> Debauchery<br />
<b>What is your love life like?:</b> Dead in the Water <br />
<b>What are you good at:</b> Forgetting<br />
<br />
<b>You know that:</b> A Moment Changes Everything <br />
<b>What do you dream of:</b> This Year's Love <br />
<b>If your life was a tv show, what would it be called: </b>Silver Lining <br />
<b>What is life to you: </b>Forever is Tomorrow is Today<br />
<b>What is the best advice you have to give:</b> Shineandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-81154377705049789872010-09-04T13:00:00.000-04:002010-09-04T13:00:00.128-04:00A much needed break....When this posts, I'll be floating down a river in a tube, drink in hand....possibly napping, but it's supposed to be chilly and it won't be that far into our trip yet.<br />
<br />
I'm going camping this weekend - my first vacation since May. Of 2009.<br />
<br />
I need it.<br />
<br />
School is starting next week. Work just keeps getting busier. I haven't had a chance to just relax for more than a few hours at a time in god knows how long.<br />
<br />
So in a few minutes, I am turning off my computer until I get home Monday. Once we get on the campground tomorrow, I will likely lose cell signal.<br />
<br />
No outside contact for 72 hours. No work emails to check. No irritating ex-boyfriends sending friend requests on Facebook.<br />
<br />
Just me, a tent, a river, some good tunes, good drinks, and 28 incredibly entertaining other people.<br />
<br />
I can't wait.<br />
<br />
But after you read this, while I am still floating down a river, please leave me comments or send me emails or something....because when I get back on Monday? I am going to need something to bring me back to reality.andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-3995687299950168942010-08-29T16:12:00.002-04:002010-08-29T16:12:25.475-04:00Just one day/night without weird dreams...that's all I ask"Metaphorically, driving a car in your dream, is analogous to your sex life and sexual performance. Consider how you are driving and what kind of car you are driving and how it relates to your waking sex life." (Dream Moods)<br />
<br />
So, going way too fast, zipping in and out of traffic, barely squeezing by on the shoulder, up and down hills and over bridges.....basically driving like every kind of terrible driver in the world at once, all the while I and my car are shrinking smaller and smaller until by the time I bust through the doors of a mall, I am essentially driving a matchbox car....<br />
<br />
Hmmm.<br />
<br />
"To dream that you are shrinking, suggests that you lack self-confidence and self-esteem. You may be feeling embarrassed, insignificant or unimportant in some situation. Perhaps you feel that you have been overlooked by others."<br />
<br />
Well, that second one, I can certainly get behind...andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-90329951122042336892010-08-26T21:42:00.000-04:002010-08-26T21:42:01.944-04:00I'm ready to fall and that's okay....My window is open and there is a bite in the air tonight. It brings the promise of fall, and hot apple cider, and cozying up next to a bonfire in a big, warm sweatshirt. Halloween and haunted houses. All-night movie marathons and spending hours in a coffee shop working on homework. Giant scarves and clear skies.<br />
<br />
I love fall, yet it always makes me a little sad. Maybe it's because it's an ending - the end of summer, the end of freedom, the end of warm weather. Maybe because it's a time of year when it's better to be with someone...to have someone to cuddle up with when the nights are just a little too chilly - someone to carve pumpkins with and be the other half of a cheesy couple's Halloween costume.<br />
<br />
Or maybe because it means winter is right around the corner, and the world is about to stop for a few months. I love all four seasons, but I wish winter lasted a week. Or two. Not for five months. I would be happy with snow for Christmas, and then right back up to being 50+ degrees. It's not just the snow - the cold is incredibly rough on my joints, and every winter I go through pain pills and IcyHot like they're going out of style.<br />
<br />
But then again, surviving another winter just makes spring all the more wonderful.<br />
<br />
I'm getting ahead of myself.<br />
<br />
Fall. Football. Apple wine. Big warm sweaters. Beautiful colors. Wrapping up in comfy blankets and reading for hours. Feeling like, even though all the green is gone, that the world is about to be fresh and clean and new again.<br />
<br />
I'm so ready for it.<br />
<br />
But I'm really going to miss my flip-flops.andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-32447010087243023602010-08-13T01:02:00.000-04:002010-08-13T01:02:37.732-04:00Mawwiage is what bwings us togetha today....(Spin Cycle)I guess I'm a typical girl.<br />
<br />
I have been dreaming about poofy white dresses and champagne toasts and flower combinations and first dance song selections for as long as I can remember. I've been planning the perfect wedding since I was in preschool and <a href="http://gathering--dust.blogspot.com/2010/07/spin-cycle-yes-i-have-been-married.html">got married the first time</a>.<br />
<br />
Hell, I even have a dress picked out (from many afternoons spent with engaged friends, pouring over bridal magazines. Come on. A single girl has to find something to entertain herself, and reading stories on wedding etiquette? Not gonna cut it.)<br />
<br />
I know what <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbAaLdLguLo">song</a> my dad and I will dance to. I know <a href="http://saradoxical.blogspot.com/">my sister</a> will make me cry with her maid of honor toast. I know I'm much more likely to wear flip-flops than I am to wear heels. I know I care more about having a great DJ and bar than I do about location or decorations.<br />
<br />
The part that trips me up?<br />
<br />
The groom.<br />
<br />
In all my fantasies as a child, and any inkling of an dream now, there's no man in the picture. Maybe <a href="http://innthebasement.com/wp-content/uploads/captain-jack-sparrow.jpg">Johnny Depp</a> (yes, in that costume...) once in a while, or <a href="http://canarias24horas.com/images/stories/2009/04abr/15/hugh-jackman-oscar.jpg">Hugh Jackman</a> (definitely minus the Wolverine claws...), but let's be honest - that's more of a wedding night fantasy ;-)<br />
<br />
The older I get, the more I become convinced that I'll never get married. When I was eighteen, I figured it was a matter of time and within five years I'd be engaged to Mr. Perfect.<br />
<br />
Ten years later, I'm not so optimistic.<br />
<br />
Of course, I'm also a lot more independent. A lot more confident that if I end up alone, I'll be okay. It might not be ideal, but I know that I'll be fine whatever way my life works out.<br />
<br />
<br />
People always say that this changes when you meet the right person. That suddenly, you'll just be ready to start your life with someone you love.<br />
<br />
I'm definitely not there. Not even close. Even the men I've been almost sure I loved, I could never see a future together. I don't know if that says more about the relationships, or me. I hope I find that someday. But until then?<br />
<br />
I just want the party. The dress. The dancing. All the stupid traditions. <br />
<br />
And if I meet someone who makes me care less about the buffet and the videographer and more about the marriage? Well, I have the invitations picked out already.....andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-65523441462828925882010-08-10T11:07:00.000-04:002010-08-10T11:07:01.967-04:00Happy birthday, Auntie!Just a quick one - everyone stop in today to wish my <a href="http://unmitigated.typepad.com/unmitigated/">Auntie</a> a happy birthday! And then be jealous that I get to have dinner and ice cream with her tonight!<br />
<br />
Thanks, Auntie M, for exposing me to fantastic music, and also for getting me addicted to <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093779/">The Princess Bride</a> all those years ago (on laser disc, no less!), when I used to babysit and make mix tapes after the kiddies had gone to bed :-) <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/TGFqOBU4RPI/AAAAAAAAARo/bfYGeeinpkQ/s1600/percival+kids.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/TGFqOBU4RPI/AAAAAAAAARo/bfYGeeinpkQ/s640/percival+kids.jpg" width="448" /></a></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>That's her in the bottom right, circa 1984. (And my <a href="http://tennlady-generational.blogspot.com/">momma</a> is right next to her!)</i></span></div>andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-38134876994476052362010-08-03T00:01:00.021-04:002010-08-03T00:01:00.300-04:00RTT: The problem is estrogen....♥ I can find a Grey's quote for just about any situation. Probably because I am over-dramatic and talk too much, just like the characters on that show.<br />
<br />
♥ Can I just say, my new birth control is totally fucking with me? I am so ridiculously moody now I'm just waiting for someone to slap me and yell at me to get ahold of myself. Someone asked me how I was today, and I about started crying into my coffee mug. WTF?! I do not like this.<br />
<br />
♥ I am taking a few days off before school starts again, and they cannot get here fast enough. I haven't really taken any time off, other than being sick, since last May. I need a real vacation sometime soon - planning on one for spring break next year, with my best friend. That's too far away.<br />
<br />
♥ Funny how a year changes everything.....<br />
<br />
♥ Completely unrelated, but my old classmate at <a href="http://birdieroyale.blogspot.com/">Birdie Royale</a> is entering the <a href="http://madmencastingcall.amctv.com/browse/detail/1KF1EM">Mad Men Casting Call </a>and you should totally vote for her. She is absolutely stunning and a wonderful person. Plus it's super easy - just click that link, and click 'Vote' - You don't need to register or anything.<br />
<br />
♥ Seriously. Eff this birth control. I just started tearing up over a sort-of compliment. This is ridiculous. I mean, I know I'm a sap, but I'm out of control right now.<br />
<br />
♥ If it could be Friday when I wake up tomorrow, that would be fantastic.<br />
<br />
♥ I'm working on a new story idea and I like it so far. It's all in my head though, I haven't started writing. Which means I'll get through 20 pages and then burn out.<br />
<br />
♥ I hit my head in the pool on Saturday. Then Sunday I hit it on the freezer door. And a couple hours ago? Definitely banged the crap out of it on my car. I fail.<br />
<br />
♥ 635 days until I graduate. Not that I'm counting.<br />
<br />
♥ Oh, and yea....you can <a href="http://www.facebook.com/pages/Andrea-Kruszka/114105608638779">like me, too</a>. All the cool kids are doing it!<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>*************</i><br />
<i>As always, go check out <a href="http://www.theunmom.com/">Keely</a> for more Random Tuesday Thoughts!</i>andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-63294180038361065552010-07-27T22:31:00.000-04:002010-07-27T22:31:42.494-04:00RTT: On being a pansy, but also a badass• A friend of mine posted <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CYI5bKZMes">this video</a> on Facebook today. I'll admit it, I definitely shed some tears over it at work. It's silly and stupid but it reminds me of high school and watching that movie with good friends and singing that song in my first car, driving around at night and dreaming of a day when I'd find a love like that.<br />
<br />
• I try to come off as a badass. I'm a fairly confident woman. I'm independent and fiercely stubborn. If you've been reading me for any length of time, you've seen this. But shit <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-3POnwFCfM">like this</a>? Kills me.<br />
<br />
• I think I put all my energy and emotion into songs, and movies, and TV shows, and books, and save nothing for real life. After spending the first twenty-five years or so of my life crying over everything, I'm pretty much done with that.<br />
<br />
• That's not to say that I'm a heartless bitch now. I just don't wear my heart out on my sleeve so much anymore.<br />
<br />
• But if y'all could actually know everything going on in this messed up little mind of mine? Whew. Let's just say I'm glad you can't.<br />
<br />
• Obviously there are a few people who can read me no matter what. My <a href="http://saradoxical.blogspot.com/">sister</a> is one of them. As is <a href="http://geneanotes.blogspot.com/">my</a> <a href="http://tennlady-generational.blogspot.com/">momma</a>. <br />
<br />
• They've also known me twenty-eight years. It's the people who've known me much, much less that worry me. They're the ones who can hurt me. There are a few I can trust not to - those soul friends who are more like family - but it's those people who you've only just met that can really twist a knife in your back.<br />
<br />
• Yet lately, I seem to be letting more and more of those people into my life. There are a couple in particular that stick out. And I hope that my gut reaction of trusting them doesn't lead to me getting hurt.<br />
<br />
• There's a quote from <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0413573/">Grey's Anatomy</a> I love that relates to this: <i>"Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without."</i><br />
<br />
• That pretty much sums it up.<br />
<br />
• And hey - speaking of my sister, why not like her on <a href="http://www.facebook.com/sarakruszka">Facebook</a>? If you like me, you'll love her!<br />
<br />
<br />
• Oh, and yea....you can <a href="http://www.facebook.com/pages/Andrea-Kruszka/114105608638779">like me, too</a>. All the cool kids are doing it!<br />
<br />
• Bonus - my high school reunion was a couple weekends ago. I talked about it <a href="http://gathering--dust.blogspot.com/2010/05/spin-cycle-weve-got-tonight-who-needs.html">here</a>, a little. Because I know you all love to see pictures, here is one of me all dolled up!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/TE-WL0ewC3I/AAAAAAAAARg/dqvMAyKuZDY/s1600/me.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/TE-WL0ewC3I/AAAAAAAAARg/dqvMAyKuZDY/s400/me.jpg" width="246" /></a></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><i> <span style="font-size: x-small;">Don't I clean up nice?</span></i></div><br />
<i>*************</i><br />
<i>As always, go check out <a href="http://www.theunmom.com/">Keely</a> for more Random Tuesday Thoughts!</i>andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-22757120900907149082010-07-23T16:22:00.000-04:002010-07-23T16:22:45.299-04:00Spin Cycle: Yes, I have been married before...The first time I got proposed to, I was four.<br />
<br />
His name was Nick, and he was the dreamiest boy in my preschool class.<br />
<br />
We got married one sunny day with a mutual friend presiding. He promised to always let me have the good crayons when we colored, and I swore that he could always be the blue piece in Candyland. We shared a piece of Bazooka to consummate the marriage.<br />
<br />
Wedded bliss came easy to us. We sat next to each other during circle time, built our home together out of cardboard bricks, and he always let me use the good shovel in the sandbox. Life was perfect – we were young, and happy, and in love. Nothing could keep us apart.<br />
<br />
Except for kindergarten. Our romance ended the way many do – time and distance were just too much.<br />
<br />
The second time I got proposed to, it was third grade. His name was Jon, he lived down the street, and one day, we were climbing trees in the field in our subdivision, and he said, “I’m going to marry you someday.”<br />
<br />
I told him I didn’t need a boy – that I could do anything he could do, and that I could take care of myself. Then I proved my point by climbing higher than he could in the tree, jumping down faster, and beating him back to our bikes.<br />
<br />
He didn’t get it.<br />
<br />
Later that day he brought me a plastic ring (the kind that you could shoot water out of) and a bouquet of daisies and dandelions.<br />
<br />
I broke that poor boy’s heart that day.<br />
<br />
Yes, even at the precocious age of eight, I knew that the friendship we had just wasn’t enough. I wanted more.<br />
<br />
In the two decades since then, I’ve had several more proposals. Most joking, a couple quasi-serious, and one that left me dumbfounded.<br />
<br />
But at the end of the day, I stand by my independent and stubborn eight-year-old self: I want more.<br />
<br />
More than just friendship. More than just fireworks. More than security. I want it all.<br />
<br />
Maybe I’ll never find that. Maybe I’ll just be crazy Aunt Andrea for the rest of my life. I’m okay with that. I might not be climbing trees anytime soon, but I can still take care of myself. And if there’s something I can’t do for some reason, I have the means to hire someone else to do it for me. I’m the same girl I was twenty years ago, just older and wiser and if anything, more stubborn than I was then.<br />
<br />
But if someone gets through? If I have my first honest-to-god, serious proposal one day? If a man gets through the layers of pigheadedness and protection and still wants to spend the rest of his life with me?<br />
<br />
That’s when the string of proposals will end. Because when I say yes (and not as a toddler), it’ll mean forever.<br />
<br />
*******************<br />
<o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><o:p> <span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Check out other spins by visiting the lovely and amazing <a href="http://woodenspears.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/jennifer_aniston.jpg">Jen</a>* at <a href="http://www.spriteskeeper.com/my_weblog/">Sprite's Keeper</a>.</i></span></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><o:p><span style="font-size: xx-small;"> *May not be an accurate photograph. SK Jen is way hotter <3</span></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p> <o:p></o:p></div>andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-2587380962640438722010-07-19T01:27:00.031-04:002010-07-19T01:27:00.083-04:00Another year older, another year wiser?Well, it's official. I'm twenty-eight and the same age as my mother (although she has thirty years of experience behind her as well).<br />
<br />
Looking back at the last year, I can only hope that twenty-eight goes better than twenty-seven did.<br />
<br />
Don't get me wrong. I am a much stronger person than I was at this time last year. I've made it through some rough patches and done a fairly good job of it. I am more confident, happier, smarter....<br />
<br />
But looking back....I did A LOT of stupid things this past year. I mean, a lot. I put myself in situations that I never would have imagined myself in before. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of. I let myself be fairly hedonistic and didn't think twice about over-consuming in any of the tempting areas I found myself. And while I had some great times, I also had way too many moments of regret.<br />
<br />
I've learned from the mistakes. Yet I repeat them over and over again. This past weekend is a prime example - I acted without thinking and made some choices that I, once again, am finding myself regretting. I can't take it back and I can't dwell on it, so I've come up with a new plan: REALLY learn from it. I won't beat myself up over anything I've done - good or bad, they were my choices - but I will remember how I feel right now, and how I made other people feel, and I will remember that sometimes it pays to take a step back and look at the big picture.<br />
<br />
So, twenty-seven? Went out with a bang.Twenty-eight? I expect to be a much more gentle ride. I'm looking forward to it.andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-40777300954249879882010-07-13T00:01:00.025-04:002010-07-13T00:01:02.060-04:00Thinking randomly on a Tuesday...<a href="http://www.theunmom.com/"><img alt="randomtuesday" src="http://i206.photobucket.com/albums/bb9/superkeely/randomtuesday.jpg" width="200" /></a><br />
<br />
☼ I have been having a lot of dreams set in my parents' old house lately. Very strange.<br />
<br />
☼ My 10-year reunion is this coming Saturday. I got a new dress, and it isn't black, which is kind of a miracle. I'm sure I'll have some pictures of me and my friends lookin' gorgeous on Sunday, so I'll try to remember to post them :-)<br />
<br />
☼ My birthday is next Monday! 28. Crazy how different my life is now than what I thought it would be. I have to say, I'm glad I'm not married with children as I always assumed I would be at this age.<br />
<br />
☼ I have asked my Magic 8 Ball the same question every day for a week now. And every day it answers in the affirmative. That makes me happy. Not like I actually believe that it's seriously predicting the future, but it's nice to dream :-)<br />
<br />
☼ Last week was the first week I haven't worked overtime since sometime in April. It's been nice being busy cause the time is flying, but it was also nice not having to work this weekend.<br />
<br />
☼ My <a href="http://tennlady-generational.blogspot.com/">momma</a> and daddy are getting into town on Friday!!! I haven't seen them since my birthday week last year, so I am very very excited. Even if I am going to be insanely busy.<br />
<br />
☼ Part of the insanity? I just picked up another Sunday softball league. This one lasts through 8/15. My next team starts 8/8. I am hoping for no game time overlap. With at least an hour between games, since they are in different cities. I'm crazy.<br />
<br />
☼ Speaking of softball, I took a line drive in the arm two weeks ago playing second base. It hurt.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/TDsy_c6GNgI/AAAAAAAAARQ/0USE6yT8DQM/s1600/owwie+arm+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/TDsy_c6GNgI/AAAAAAAAARQ/0USE6yT8DQM/s320/owwie+arm+2.jpg" /></a></div><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/TDsy9uJMUVI/AAAAAAAAARI/5zpLmsdAjJs/s1600/owwie+arm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/TDsy9uJMUVI/AAAAAAAAARI/5zpLmsdAjJs/s320/owwie+arm.jpg" /></a><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/TDszA6lv5EI/AAAAAAAAARY/tMKsQA2bm8E/s1600/owwie+arm+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/TDszA6lv5EI/AAAAAAAAARY/tMKsQA2bm8E/s320/owwie+arm+3.jpg" /></a></div>I wish I had taken a picture of it after a few days. The bruise extended all the way up my arm, on both sides. I still have bruising and it actually still hurts a bit, two weeks later.<br />
<br />
☼ Hoping I don't get any more disfiguring injuries this year.<br />
<br />
☼ Also hoping work stays a little less crazy for a while. I don't think I can handle anymore crazy stress.<br />
<br />
☼ It's been great for my diet though. Down 27 lbs now! WIN!<br />
<br />
☼ As always, click the link up top to visit <a href="http://www.theunmom.com/">Keely</a>, and find other random thinkers :-)andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-79789922812188513252010-06-10T11:06:00.002-04:002010-06-10T20:40:15.511-04:00I need more spoons*....(an anniversary, of sorts)It's hard to believe, but this month marks five years since I was <a href="http://gathering--dust.blogspot.com/2008/11/crawling-in-darklife-with-ra.html">diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis</a>.<br />
<br />
Five years of daily challenges. Five years of almost constant exhaustion and pain. Five years of <a href="http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/">never having enough spoons</a>. Five years of pushing myself more and more. Five years of finding out who will always be on my side. Five years of fear and worry. Five years of working with the <a href="http://www.arthritis.org/">Arthritis Foundation</a> and meeting some truly amazing people. Five years of bad nights of sleep and worse mornings. Five years of realizing how much strength I have inside of me.<br />
<br />
Five years. It seems like a million. It's hard to remember not being sick, not having a chronic condition that forces me to slow down.<br />
<br />
Five years of give and take. Of every choice I make during the day having a bearing on what I can do later on. Of making trades - I can go out this night, but the next I need to be in bed at 9. I can play softball two nights a week, but then I need to rest for two days. I can go grocery shopping today, but I can't cook until tomorrow.<br />
<br />
Of course, not every day is like this. Some days I have more energy than others. Some days, it's easy to forget that I'm sick. And to look at me, most people wouldn't guess that I'm not a typical, healthy 20-something. That's life with an invisible disease - nothing to show the pain you're in, how tired you are, how the meds you just started are making you sick every morning, how you literally roll out of bed in the morning, because you can't bend your knees to stand....<br />
<br />
But the people who know you, who see you often - even if they don't know about your illness, even if you've never said anything - they see the signs - the big, scary bags under your eyes. The IcyHot you keep on your desk. The flats you bring to work in case your heels become too much. The slow, hitching walk of someone who is fighting to get through every step. Your friends familiar with your situation will try to understand, but it's impossible. Until you have been in it, you just can't get it. People can usually understand the physical challenges, but the emotional and mental struggles? How can you really describe the frustration of not being able to do simple tasks? How can you put into words how embarrassing it is to have to ask someone to tie your shoes for you, or open a bottle of soda? Sure, you try to laugh it off, try to act like losing control isn't killing you, but it is. And for me, someone who is independent and stubborn to the core? I will make a million jokes before I admit how helpless I feel. I will struggle with something for hours before I admit defeat. And I will hold my head up until I am safely alone before I break down.<br />
<br />
But the good things? I've seen the good in a lot of people. I have met amazing people, both online and off, who struggle with RA and Lupus and OA and any number of other autoimmune diseases. I have a great support system, between them, and my amazing family and friends. I have grown up and grown stronger. I've learned to slow down - that everything doesn't always have to be done at warp speed. I've started to take care of myself better.<br />
<br />
And I'm ready to take on the next five, and however many come after that. RA, prepare to get your ass kicked.<br />
<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>*Title comes from <a href="http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/">The Spoon Theory</a> by Christine Miserandino at <a href="http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/">But You Don't Look Sick</a>. One of the best things I've seen that tries to explain life with a chronic illness.</i></span>andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7881224561790150586.post-37042478812164491812010-05-29T23:33:00.000-04:002010-05-29T23:33:10.972-04:00Spin Cycle: We've got tonight, who needs tomorrow?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/TAHYgUppP5I/AAAAAAAAAQ4/hQ-9lzLR4M4/s1600/prom+big.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/TAHYgUppP5I/AAAAAAAAAQ4/hQ-9lzLR4M4/s400/prom+big.jpg" width="225" /></a></div>Oh, prom. The poofy dresses (Looking back, I am glad I went with a more classic, simple dress. The fact that it was only $60? Even better). The bad music. The hours of hair and nail appointments. The lack of a proper date (some things never do change...).<br />
<br />
It's hard to believe it's been ten years. It's almost enough to make me feel old. That, and the fact that I can barely remember it...I am going senile, apparently.<br />
<br />
Things I do remember:<br />
<br />
-Bob Seger. Our prom song was <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4SxQ5BSJPc">We've Got Tonight</a> which is a song I had already loved, and still love to this day. I'm not sure that it was entirely appropriate, since it's about having a one-night stand and knowing it's not going anywhere. I don't mind the sentiment, but really? I am kind of surprised that at a school where we couldn't show bare shoulders for fear that amount of flesh would be distracting, they let that song get chosen.<br />
<br />
-My date, Phil. (Yea, I've talked about him <a href="http://gathering--dust.blogspot.com/2008/10/groomsman-with-ovaries-part-2.html">here</a> <a href="http://gathering--dust.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-6-im-auntie-free-write-day.html">before</a>). He was my default date for dances in high school, and was a pretty good one. Even if he did pull my chair out from under me so I fell down (it was to lighten a somber mood, so I didn't really mind)<br />
<br />
-Going to Farmer Jack after prom cause nothing else was open, and stealing a 'Caution: Wet Floor' sign.<br />
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-Standing in a giant circle on the dance floor with a good chunk of my class, all singing 'Lean On Me'.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/TAHYO74gzwI/AAAAAAAAAQw/7aSNSLk6jnQ/s1600/prom+girls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/TAHYO74gzwI/AAAAAAAAAQw/7aSNSLk6jnQ/s320/prom+girls.jpg" /></a>-Dancing with the guy I had a crush on for way too long, since he was really not that amazing.<br />
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-Dress shopping with my girls. I think that was actually my favorite part - all trying on dresses at David's Bridal, looking like freaking Easter eggs, but all looking gorgeous. <br />
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Annnnnd that's about it. It's funny, because prom is always built up as such a huge event, especially for girls. I remember always thinking that something would happen, something would change - like being dressed up and realizing high school was almost over would make the guy I liked realize he wanted to be with me, and we would dance all night and fall in love and live happily ever after. Instead, we danced and then awkwardly one-arm hugged each other, and went back to our respective dates. I just pictured it as being something more than it was, and once I realized that it wasn't going to be some life-changing event like it always was in movies, I guess I was a little sad. Maybe not sad, maybe that's not the right word....But I was disappointed. And maybe that's when I started to become a little more cynical - because that was when I finally realized that happy endings and fairy tales are all basically bullshit.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/TAHZGDdCbnI/AAAAAAAAARA/gddA9nYTjgA/s1600/corsage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_dKJakYwW5C0/TAHZGDdCbnI/AAAAAAAAARA/gddA9nYTjgA/s320/corsage.jpg" /></a></div>I still have my corsage, though. I guess I'm just a sentimental fool about some things (who keeps crap for way too long for no good reason) (I think the one on the left is from Homecoming the year before - also a dance that Phil was my date for. Boy BFFs are the best!)<br />
<br />
With the ten-year reunion coming up (and me undecided if I'm actually going to go) I wonder if the event can possibly live up to the expectation - seeing old friends, catching up with out-of-towners, wondering who turned out better than expected and who just completely fell apart. Facebook has kind of negated the need to do this, which is why I don't know that I'll bother. In movies, the 'cool' kids have all turned out to be losers, and the outsiders are the most successful and the happiest. But I already know that's not totally true, and I really don't need to see evidence of other people's successes when I have so many failures.<br />
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Mostly, if I go, I think I'll just, once again, end the night feeling a little bit disappointed, a little bit relieved it's over, and a little bit more certain that there are no happy endings in sight. At least not the stereotypical Hollywood ending, and while I'm not necessarily sad about that, and I am good with my life for the most part, I am a little sad that I've just stopped expecting one. I think back to me at seventeen, and how hopeful and optimistic I was about life and love (and yes, naive) and wonder how I got from there to here. And I wonder if I'll ever look at anything with that wide-eyed enthusiasm again.<br />
<br />
I'd give anything to...andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08604654206631020004noreply@blogger.com5