A couple of things:
a) I can't believe how everything seemed so important. Thank God I got over that.
b) How come no one ever slapped me for being so whiny?
c) The comments left on some entries by friends have been making me cry...especially the friends I've lost along the way...I miss having so many people who cared so much about me. I know I have plenty of people now who love me and care about me, but the number of those who are seriously invested in my well-being has gone down exponentially over the years.
d) I had so much more optimism and romanticism then. When did I become such a cynic?
Maybe it has something to do with hitting legal drinking age? Along with easier-to-come-by vodka, there's pessimism and doubt? I don't know that I believe that.
Even in my epic ramblings about heartbreak and pain and fate and whatever the hell else I was trying to sound intelligent about, I still managed to find a bright spot. No matter what the subject, I turned it around to make it a little bit better.
I don't know if I can do that anymore. It certainly doesn't seem like it.
Maybe I don't need that crutch anymore. Maybe after living a little more, experiencing more, I realize that there isn't always a bright spot. Maybe the fact that I'm more emotionally healthy now lets me accept the world as it is, without the rose-colored glasses.
My little revisit of the past today? It's given me much to think about.
My favorite thing was always finding the perfect present for someone. I always put weeks of thought into it, and truly tried to think of something unique that I knew the other person would love and use. Over the years, I know I've come up with some pretty good things.
The last few years though, Christmas has lost its magic for me.
I still try to get in the spirit....I put up the tree, I listen to as much Christmas music as I can stand, I watch my usual Christmas movies....I decorate at work, and participate in anything holiday-related that I can. I do everything I know how to do, yet still come up short.
The gifts I buy are off a list, and now my goal is to just be done with it. The songs I'm listening to? 'Yule Shoot Your Eye Out', 'Green Christmas', 'Where are You Christmas?', 'Blue Christmas' (check out Low's version - infinitely superior to The King)...along with every other melancholy, tear-inducing song I have, and god only knows there are plenty...
Maybe it's just because I'm getting older. Maybe it's because so much of my family is a day away, and it's just not the holidays without them. Maybe it's because December has burned itself into my memory the last several years as a time of heartbreak and loss....
I'm sure it's a combination of all those things. How could it not be?
I miss the way things were...I miss being young and excited about the surprises Christmas morning would hold. I miss pancakes for breakfast after opening presents, and helping my mom with dinner. I miss spending time with my grandparents, and wish I had treasured that time more than I had when we had it.
All the silly traditions, all the stupid arguments...I miss them all. Those are infinitely preferable to how I'm spending my second Christmas in a row - at home, alone.
True, it's mostly by choice. I couldn't make it down to Tennessee to see my parents/sister/grandpa, and I turned down every invitation to Christmas dinner I received - I don't really want to spread my grinchiness around. I prefer to wallow alone, thank you very much.
Next year maybe it'll be different. Maybe I'll find a good memory to replace the bad ones. Maybe the hole that's been in my heart the last four years will start to heal itself over.
God, I hope so.
While I may be in no mood for this holiday, I still want to wish you and yours a very happy Christmas. I hope you all are safe, healthy, happy, and surrounded by those you love. Happy Holidays.
I happened to look through the sliding door out into the backyard, and noticed there was a pen with a big yellow python in it. I started freaking out, saying that the dogs were going to get in there and the snake was going to eat them.
First I was ignored, and then everyone told me not to worry, the dogs would be fine.
Suddenly, the python jumped over the fencing around its pen, and started chasing after the dogs. We managed to open the door and get all the dogs inside, and everyone was cheering and celebrating that they were safe, until once again, I suddenly realized that no one had closed the door again, and the snake was already halfway through it, and starting to charge at someone.
That's when I woke up.
Really, I think I'm on drugs without knowing it.
Anyways, I looked up the symbols: Dream Moods Dream Dictionary
To see a python in your dream, represents danger, sin, and overt sexuality. Alternatively, it may symbolize your determination.
To see a python suffocate and kill its prey, suggests that you are feeling emotionally stressed and anxious.
To dream that you are at a party, suggests that you need to get out more and enjoy yourself. If the party is bad, then it indicates that you are unsure of your social skills.
To see your coworkers in your dream, highlights aspects of your waking relationship with them, including difficulties/support. It signifies your ambition, struggles and competitive nature. If the coworkers in your dream are not your actual coworkers, then they may pertain to some psychological business that you need to work on. Work-related dreams can also often be linked to stress at work.
To dream that you are training someone to take your place, suggests that you are moving toward deeper inner development. You are leaving behind old attitudes and are looking toward the future.
To see a dog in your dream, symbolizes intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. The dream suggests that your strong values and good intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and bring you success. Alternatively, it indicates a skill that you have ignored or forgotten. If the dog is vicious and/or growling, then it signifies some inner conflict within yourself. It may indicate betrayal and untrustworthiness.�If the dog is dead or dying, then it indicates a loss of a good friend. Alternatively, it represents a deterioration of your instincts. Also consider common notions associated with the word dog, such as loyalty ("man's best friend") and to be "treated like a dog".
To see a happily barking dog in your dream, symbolizes pleasures and much social activity. If the dog is barking ferociously, then it represents your habit of unnecessary barking at people and the situations around you. It could also mean unfriendly companions. To dream that a dog bites your on the leg, suggests that you have lost your ability to balance aspects of your life. You may be hesitant in approaching a new situation or have no desire to move forward with your goals. Alternatively, it symbolizes disloyalty.
To dream that you are buying a dog, indicates your tendency to buy your friends or buy compliments and favors. Alternatively, it suggest a need for you to find companionship. If you are being guided by a dog, suggests that you are having difficulties in navigating out of a situation or problem.
To dream that you are dressing up your dog, signifies your attempts to cover up your own character flaws and habits.
To dream that you are ignoring someone or being ignored, represents some aspect of yourself which you are not paying enough attention to. Alternatively, it may reflect your real waking experiences of being ignored by that person.
In conclusion? I have no damn idea what any of that meant. And dream interpretation is bullshit. But I'm going to send that in to them anyways and see what the "experts" say. I'll update if I get a response
This is Andrea's computer speaking. I have to tell you, I'm worried about her. She has been ignoring me so much these last couple of weeks. She gets home from work, late, as usual, and barely says two words to me. She ignores the lovely blog posts and twitter updates I have helped supply her with, and only seems interested in checking her email, updating her facebook status, and then going to bed. I know she's been working hard, but I work hard all day too! Why can't she just appreciate me? Always going to sleep at 8pm, telling me she had a rough day, or she has a headache. Doesn't she know that I need -- nay, that I DESERVE -- love and attention as well? Do I not have needs? Do I not have feelings? Am I not human?
Wait...don't answer that.
Well, friends...I just wanted to see if you miss her dry wit and sudden sweetness as much as I do. Her use of rhythm and meter to drive home a point, her understanding of metaphor and hyperbole to illustrate a thought....Her incredible talent that goes sadly unnoticed by the powers that be....
I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone...and that I will do everything in my considerable power to get her up and blogging again...
1. You have to pass it on to 5 other fabulous blogs in a post.
2. You have to list 5 of your fabulous addictions in the post.
3. You must copy and paste the rules and the instructions below in the post.
Instructions: On your post of receiving this award, make sure you include the person that gave you the award and link it back to them. When you post your five winners, make sure you link them as well. To add the award to your post, simply right-click, save image, then "add image" it in your post as a picture so your winners can save it as well. To add it to your sidebar, add the "picture" widget. Also, don't forget to let your winners know they won an award from you by emailing them or leaving a comment on their blog.
1 - Chapstick. Burt's Bees. Blistex. This very fun Little Miss Sunshine banana flavored kind I have. I NEED IT. Especially in the winter in the cold that is Michigan. I'm a big fan of lip gloss as well.
2 - Aveda Comforting Tea. I'm fairly certain there is crack in my teabags, but I don't care. It's delicious. Also, within the last year I discovered that I love tea, which I never thought would happen. I think I am up to 13 kinds at work now...maybe more.
3 - Books. I love to read as much as possible. I love spending hours in a bookstore. I love the smell of libraries.
4 - Scarves and gloves/mittens. I have, at last count, 17 scarves, after donating an additional 10 or so. Probably about the same amount of gloves. I like cozy things that keep me warm - this extends to blankets, socks, sweatpants, hoodies, etc. I guess I'm really just addicted to comfort.
5 - The West Wing. I DVR all the episodes that Bravo has on every weekday from 8-10am. Eventually I'll buy the box set, but I keep having setbacks on spare funds. I love the writing (although 5th season leaves much to be desired....I missed Aaron Sorkin so much), I love the characters. It was a great show. Too bad it wasn't reflective of reality....
I had planned on being more thorough, but I'm tired, so that won't happen. Instead, I will just tag:
- Sal - because she is full of great tips for both looking and feeling beautiful. and i always love the shoes she is wearing in pictures
- h31n0us - cause he makes me laugh so hard i almost pee myself at least three times a week (usually while i'm at work, naturally), and he's man enough to repost an award that looks like this one :-)
- Amy - seems to always be going through similar things to what i am going through or have recently - and we're both pretty strong chicks, i think!
- Rachel - the fact that her blog name is from 'Sabrina' which is one of my favorite movies ever is enough to qualify her.
- Sister - she already got this as well but i don't care. she's my big sister and she's a hundred kinds of fabulous. even if she lives in tennessee. which is stupid.