The best I can give you is the worst part of me....

I can take care of myself. I can. I'm fiercely independent, and have no problem being alone. But recently, as I see more and more friends getting engaged, getting married, getting pregnant...growing up...it reminds me that however successful I am professionally, my personal life has never been anything but a mess. Normally I don't mind...I know my life will work out how it's supposed to, and I've never been one to mind being single (and fabulous!) but the sudden influx of happy news from every other person I know has started to wear on me. I AM genuinely happy for all the people I care about, but it just reminds me of my failures. And my failures? Not something I want the world to see. In this post, it's just me, being honest, and putting my heart out there for everyone to explore. And losing my usual cover of strength and independence? Scary.

And that...that is why this post from last autumn is my worst post. Because re-reading it now, I can feel exactly how I felt then...and I realize that with all the hopeful promise of every new man I've met since then, or budding relationships, or imagined spark that flew, nothing has changed since then.

i made a promise to my heart to never let a soul inside.... (10/12/08)

the thing about me is that i'm not a forward person. i find it very difficult to just come out and say things face-to-face. i need a computer screen or a cell phone or a piece of paper to get anything out in a semi-eloquent way.

this factor of my personality is generally what leads to heartache for me. i've grown accustomed to coming in second place. i live life well as a runner-up on so many things, and the last couple years have really shown that to me.

in my head i know that i should just take the bull by the horns, jump in head first, etc. but the rest of me is terrified of the result. i fear making things awkward, and getting hurt more in the process. but is it easier to stand idly by and watch what i want slip through my fingers, or actually take the leap, get shot down, but at least know?

the awful part of me - the wildly insecure and still slightly timid part of me - expected something like this to happen. i've never known anything close to a happy ending before, so why would i think that all of a sudden life and love would just fall perfectly into place? it's a road i've been down many, many times, and maybe part of the problem is that i never fully invest myself in something, because a giant piece of me remains convinced it'll end badly.

i've been an optimist for years. glass half-full, see the rainbow through the rain, sunshine is only a cloudy day away.....but somehow, the positive outlook never gets around to my love life. in that area, i am a cynical, realistic pessimist. with the soul of a romantic. no wonder i always am disappointed so badly.

it's getting late and i'm getting no comfort out of words tonight, which is a change from the norm. i'm going to finish my glass of wine and go to bed, and hope that when i wake up tomorrow i'll have magically gained some perspective.

but i'm not counting on it.
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