I've made a lot of bad choices in my life. I mean, A LOT.
Some of them have turned out worse than others. Some at least taught me something in the process.
I've made a lot of hard decisions as well -- things that at the time seemed like the biggest problem I would ever face. Things that, looking back, caused me a lot of stress and heartache when they should've been gut reactions.
Tonight I'm looking back on one thing in particular. A choice I made that nearly killed me at the time. A choice that I agonized over and cried over more nights than I care to remember. A choice that I now know was the right thing to do, the necessary thing to do. But I can't help wondering what my life would be like right now if I had chosen the other path -- the road more traveled, so to speak.
Would I be happier? Would I be more settled, more grounded? Would I be living the so-called American Dream of a husband, a child, a dog, a mortgage? Would I think my life was as close to perfect as reality gets?
Or would I be yearning for a way out? Would I be thinking that maybe I settled for less than I wanted? Would I wish I had waited til I was older, more mature, more experienced with life in general?
In my heart and soul, I know that choice was what I wanted at the time. And I know that I'm fine with my life as it is now -- maybe not as deliriously happy as I would hope, maybe a little lonelier, but still....I'm in a good place for the most part.
I am a happily independent and marginally successful woman. At some point, I plan on being much more successful, but for my age and for lack of degree, I have a career that both challenges and rewards me on a regular basis, that I also happen to love. I'm going back to school so I can advance, and improve myself. Most importantly, I have family and friends that would walk through fire for me, and know that I would do the same for them.
And I'll take a little bit of loneliness in exchange for that any day.
I know I made the right decision.
But sometimes...sometimes you just have to wonder, what if?
How to summon demons:
1 day ago