I've lost hope for any more sleep tonight....

I hate waking up crying.

Not just a few spare tears that managed to sneak out, but full on sobbing, trying hard to muffle it as to not wake up my roommate at 4am. Gasping and fighting for air, eyes burning, nose running. Curled up in a tiny ball, as if that'll keep any more awful images from forcing their way into my subconscious.

I've had many dreams where I lose people I love. Plane crashes and heart attacks and car accidents and zombie takeovers....I've seen it all in the hours I'm sleeping. Everytime something hits a little too close to home, I find myself on edge the rest of the day.

But I don't think any dream has ever effected me this much...has ever forced me out of bed at 4 in the morning, terrified to fall back asleep because the images might come back.

What is the difference now? Was it the utter insanity of it? Usually, the loss comes by some random but plausible means that I know comes from a real fear - or by something so completely impossible that I don't allow myself time to consider it (because, seriously, I'm not actually concerned that my sister may find herself eaten by a velociraptor anytime soon)? Was it because this was something that had never even entered my realm of conscious thought that it has my heart still pounding, twenty minutes later?

Was it more? Was it the sense of hopelessness I had, as I watched someone's life slip away from them, literally between my fingers? Was it anger at anyone who would commit such an act? Was it fear - not that the circumstances of the dream were likely to happen, but that the revelations made were more based in reality?

I don't know. I don't know. All I do know is that it's 4:24am, and I will not be able to fall back asleep. And my long day ahead just got longer, now that I know I'll be jumping ten feet in the air with every sudden noise I hear.