4.28.2011

I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name

I'm making plans. Lots and lots of plans.

Career-changing plans. Pick-up-my-life-and-move-600-miles-away plans. Life-changing plans. Terrifying, exhilarating plans.

I've lived my whole life in the Detroit area. It's what I know. It's comfortable. I have family here. God knows I have friends here. My *history* is here.

So why am I skipping out on everything, and moving to Nashville?

Of course, a big part of it is my parents. And my sister. And my grandpa. They live in Tennessee, a little more than an hour east of Nashville. Being so far away from them now is awful. I hate that I don't get to see them more than a few times a year.

Part of it is my job. I like my job. And I'm good at it. But this isn't what I thought I would be doing for the rest of my life. Even when I went back to school with the intent of advancing in the company, I didn't know if I was doing it because I loved my job, or if I loved the company. As much as I enjoy the place I work and the people I work with, I can't see myself staying happy here. It feels like settling for something I never thought I'd do for too long, when there are a million other things I'd rather take a chance at.

And then there's the part of me that just wants the adventure...I've always saw myself moving somewhere else, and I'm at the point in my life where if I don't do it now, I won't do it ever. Better to pack up my life and start it fresh while I'm young, and single, and have nothing tying me down to Michigan.

I'm incredibly excited for this new chapter in my life to start. I can't wait to find new places, meet new people, build a new life from scratch.

But damn if I'm not terrified.

What if I get there and hate it? What if I find a job and can't stand it? What if the new friends I make can't compare to the ones I have now? What if the people I have in my life, the people I love dearly, forget about me when I'm 9 hours away?

What if I fail?

I could make myself crazy with the hundreds of "What ifs?" going through my head.

But I would make myself crazier if I didn't allow myself to take this chance.

There's something magical about a second chance. Of starting over where no one knows me...no one knows my history, my mistakes, my regrets. No one knows the things I've done to hurt people, or the people who have torn me to shreds. It's a chance to become someone completely different...or to improve on the person I already am.

And for all the worries, all the fear...there's so much more hope. And promise.

Not only will I be someone with no history, but all the people I meet? They'll be strangers - not people I've grown up with, not people I've worked with, not people who I have seen through all sorts of phases and pieces of their lives.

When I walk into a room, I won't be the girl who runs into walls all the time and trips over nothing (although god knows they'll see that in time). I won't be the girl who makes bad choice after bad choice. I won't be the girl who is outgoing and happy all the time. I won't have to be what people expect of me anymore, because no one will expect anything.

There's something freeing about a second chance.

I'll miss the people who really know me...The people who I trust, the people who I would call crying at 3am, the people who I could sit and watch movies and drink wine and laugh for hours with. I'll miss the people who know what I'm thinking just by the look in my eyes, the way my mouth twitches, the way my eyebrow raises slightly.

I'll miss getting in my car and driving to a friend's house without having to think about where I'm going. I'll miss the bars where they know my name. I'll miss the restaurant where I don't even have to say my order out loud.

I'll miss being able to drive by my grandparents' old houses, remembering where I came from. I'll miss the late night drives up and down roads I've been down so many times before. I'll miss the section of road I drive down that all at once calms me, and frees me, and gives me peace.

There's something heartbreaking about a second chance.

There's a lot of reasons to stay, but just as many to leave. And I think I owe it to myself to just let myself leap.

It's bittersweet, to be sure, but it's what I have to do. And while I will miss what I'm leaving, I look forward to all the possibilities I'll be gaining.

I'm terrified. I'm exhilarated. I'm nervous. I'm contemplative.

But the one thing I'm not is settling.

And that's all the encouragement I need to know that this is the right choice.

6 comments:

Sprite's Keeper said...

I am so excited for you! Best of luck, but you have determination on your side, which is far more valuable. :-)

Karen said...

Change is a very good thing! Spike will miss you, and so will we. But you have to follow your heart -and do what's best for you. As long as there's facebook you'll never be far away!

Neil said...

Best of luck!

Lindsay said...

you will be awesome. because you are awesome!

andrea said...

Only took me 2.5 months....thanks all!

jen said...

you can always go back ... but never again can you take that first step and go. best of luck in your adventures.

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