Oh, Christmas.
A time of magic. A time of peace. A time of cheer.
A time to be with the people you love.
This year I have none of those things, and if I seem bitter, maybe that's why.
This whole year has been one thing after another.
I start to think I've dug myself out of a hole, when in reality, I've just been digging the same one deeper.
Lately I've been withdrawing from the world and trying to re-evaluate my life. I need to see what's wrong, what's right, and what I can cut out.
I'm not sure if I've discovered any answers yet.
I know I can't take another year like this. I can't let myself make the same mistakes again, I can't let myself fall for the same tired lines again.
To be honest, if I really look at my life, if I really take the time to make an inventory of the good and the bad, there is far more wonderful than worrisome. I know this. I'm self-aware enough to realize that this mood I've been in the last couple months will pass, and I'll be better for it. I know I'm being foolish and I know I'm letting my emotions get the best of me. And I know in a few months this awful, terrible time will be over and I'll wonder why it drove me this far down.
I know all that.
So why does breathing in and out seem like the hardest thing to do? Why can't I drag myself out of bed in the morning? Why do I find myself breaking down over the smallest little thing?
More importantly, when will it stop?
12.23.2009
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2 comments:
I get that way when I'm stressed-out. My wife tells me it's like depression. Have you had chance to talk to a counselor? I have found it very helpful just to talk to an objective listener.
I've thought about it, but I always seem to find a reason not to bother. Plus I imagine it would be difficult to find someone I'm comfortable talking to, and getting a recommendation isn't the easiest thing in the world. I know, I tried a few months ago.
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