gathering.dust

Driving Round in Circles (2011, Revisited): A year in music

2011-12-31T00:39:00.003-05:00

It was a roller coaster of a year for me. There were a lot of ups and downs, and a lot of changes. I lost friends I thought I'd have forever, and made amazing new ones. I struggled with how to balance my old life and my new life. I fought the thought of relationships and ended up falling into old patterns with people from the past. I decided on a huge life change, and made it happen. I said goodbye to people I love. I started a new life. It was a year of ups and downs, of heartache and hardening, of regret and release, but, for the first time in a long time, it's a year that ends with hope.

Here is my year and the songs that got me through it. I was going to post something about each of them, but there's some that are just a little too personal. I just picked some lyrics that were appropriate.

If you would like to download, here is the link. It's also published on Spotify.

Happy New Year to you all!

Lay Me Down – The Wreckers

So shut your mouth
And hold me close
We both know
It's better than being alone

Just Tonight – The Pretty Reckless

Just tonight I will stay
And we'll throw it all away
When the light hits your eyes
It's telling me I'm right

Locked Up – Ingrid Michaelson

Love, love, love is everywhere
But not a drop for me to drink
Tie me up and bind my feet
Drop me in and watch me sink
Like an angry apple tree
I throw my apples if you get too close to me

I Hope that I Don’t Fall in Love With You – Tom Waits

Well the music plays and you display your heart for me to see,
I had a beer and now I hear you calling out for me
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you

Fairytale – Sara Bareilles

So I sing and hold my head down and I break these walls round me
Can't take no more of your fairytale love

cause I don't care for your fairytales
You're so worried about the maiden though you know
She's only waiting on the next best thing

Set Fire to the Rain – Adele

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt something die
Cause I knew that was the last time

Bulletproof – La Roux

Been there, done that, messed around
I'm having fun, don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet

Jar of Hearts – Christina Perri

I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

Her Diamonds – Rob Thomas

Oh what the hell she said
I just can't win for losing
And she lays back down
Man, there's so many times
I don't know what I'm doing
Like I don't know now

Happiness is – Verve Pipe

Have you ever felt so out of place

That the smile on your face

Was to keep from cryin’

I don’t know how we get so out of touch

But I don’t want much

Just to keep on tryin’

Goodbye – Drive By Truckers

We were really great friends and I always thought
that it would be that way
Yet I wonder if I'd know you if the guy that I saw
last walked in here today

Gathering Dust – David Gray

I got no reason
But that I must
Maybe I feel
Like I've been gatherin' dust

Melt My Heart to Stone – Adele

Why do you steal my hand
Whenever I'm standing my own ground
You build me up, then leave me dead

Sway – Heartless Bastards

I looked into the eyes, the eyes of everyone I know
And the days go by wondering where to go
I was searching all, searching all the time

Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) – Green Day

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go

So make the best of this test, and don't ask why

It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

Rewind – Stereophonics

'Cause change is okay

What's the point in staying the same

Regrets, forget what's dead and gone

If you could rewind your time

Would you change your life?

The House That Built Me – Miranda Lambert

You leave home, you move on

and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world

and forgot who I am.

I’m Movin’ On – Rascal Flatts

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons

Finally content with a past I regret

I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness

For once I'm at peace with myself

I have been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long

I'm movin' on

Second Chance – Shinedown

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

Free and Easy (Down the Road I Go) – Dierks Bentley

Can't take it with you when you go so
Free and easy down the road I go
Someday I know it's gonna take me home so
Free and easy down the road I go

Home – Foo Fighters

Wish I were with you
I couldn't stay
Every direction
Leads me away

Are We There Yet – Ingrid Michaelson

They say that home is where the heart is
I guess I haven't found my home
And we keep driving round in circles
Afraid to call this place our own

On the Road to Find Out – Cat Stevens

Then I found my head one day when I wasn't even trying
And here I have to say, 'cause there is no use in lying, lying
Yes the answer lies within, so why not take a look now?

Again Today/Hiding My Heart – Brandi Carlile

Who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today/

But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Let the Rain – Sara Bareilles

And if I were fearless
Then I'd speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That's what I wish I'd do

Here We Go Again – Justin Townes Earle

Now I like to think that

I’m no fool for love

I can’t help but feel as though

I play one every time

Little Miss – Sugarland

Little miss, brand new start
Little miss, do your part
Little miss, big old heart beats wide open and she's ready now for love
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win

Fearless – Colbie Cailat

If it's between love and losing

or to never have known the feeling

I'd still side with love

and if I end up lonely

at least I will be there knowing

I believed in love

Many the Miles – Sara Bareilles

Cause I've had my fair share of take care and goodbyes
I've learned how to cry
And I'm better for that

Turning Tables – Adele

I can't keep up with your turning tables

under your thumb, I can't breathe

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me

No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me

I can't give you, what you think you gave me

It's time to say goodbye to turning tables

Further North – Jets to Brazil

This year took ten years to tell me that I’m alone again…

Everything here's about to break.
I'm one inch from all that I can take,
and it's beautiful and sad, but it's all that I have

Shake it Out – Florence + The Machine

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

Life is Beautiful – Vega4

Life is beautiful, but it's complicated.
We barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles, miracles.

Skyscraper – Demi Lovato

As the smoke clears, I awaken
And untangle you from me
Would it make you, feel better
To watch me while I bleed?
All my windows still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet

What a Year for a New Year – Dan Wilson

Soon we'll be lying in our beds

And new dreams will fill our heads

And the old ones will be ended

Hope we'll forget about this place

Let it go without a trace

Wipe the teardrops from our faces

What a year for a new year

in memoriam.

2011-09-26T20:42:00.001-04:00

My grandfather was a flawed man. I know that.

He never painted himself a saint, and that might be one of the things I admired most about him. He knew he had made mistakes in his life, and he changed things, and he taught me that no matter what I do, I can always turn myself around.

My grandfather was a teacher. I experienced that.

He used to bring home scrap wood and let my sister and I make the most ridiculous damn creations out of tin cans and two by fours and for some reason, he trusted us to use hammers and nails and not kill each other. Because of him, I am strong, and independent, and can hang pictures and put together furniture and try to figure out to how fix something myself before I get help.

My grandfather was a packrat. I saw that.

He saved EVERYTHING. The garage at my grandparents house was full of empty bottles and stacks of magazines and an airplane propeller. He kept a lot of things that were probably junk, but he also kept the pictures and poems my sister and I did for him and my grandma. I still have some of them. A lot of times, we'd be in the car heading somewhere, and he'd stop on the side of the road and pick up a stool, or a box of books, or a toy he thought my sister and I might like. And then he'd clean it up, and it was as good as new, and when I was younger, when I wanted the 'latest and greatest', I didn't appreciate it as much as I do now.

My grandfather was a clown. I heard that.

The most common phrase I heard him say was 'Do you believe that fib?' He was always telling a joke or making up a funny story or doing anything he could to get my sister and I to laugh. Part of my inherent goofiness definitely comes from him.

My grandfather was a wise man. I listened to that.

From the time I was just starting to notice boys, he always told me, 'Andrea, don't get married young. Maybe not ever. Men are idiots.' As I got older, the advice changed a bit: 'Andrea, you're a smart young lady and don't settle for someone dumber than you like your grandma did.' Most recently, it was, 'This is my beautiful grandaughter? I hope she finds someone worthy of her.' The advice changed, but the love behind it never wavered.

My grandfather was a romantic. I loved that.

He loved his wife. His Jennie. They were together over fifty years. Fifty years. Does that even happen anymore? You can see in the pictures of them when they were young that they were in love. And through the years, that love stayed with them. They were soulmates. When my grandma died almost seven years ago, I thought for sure we'd lose him soon after.

My grandfather was a loving man. I felt that.

One thing I never doubted was my grandpa's love for me. And for my sister. And my father. And my grandma. He did what he could to make sure that our lives would be just a little bit easier. He gave advice and doled out hugs and always had an extra dollar for some cotton candy if I needed it. He cared so much about his family, even when it was sometimes hidden by silly jokes and a little bit of cantankerousness. He loved us so much.

I feel blessed that I had my grandfather in my life for 29 years. That's a gift that so many others don't get. It makes it harder to say goodbye, but it makes it easier to remember. And I don't believe in much anymore, but I believe with every single fiber of my being that when he left this world this morning, he met my grandma on the way to whatever is waiting for us after this life....and just like when they were both here, their hands just naturally found each other's.

I love you always, Big Kid.

April 4, 1919 - September 26, 2011

it's a long trip alone...

2011-08-13T23:06:00.002-04:00

I don't want any more ties here. It's already going to be hard enough to leave. I'm already wondering who of my friends will continue to be a part of my life when I'm 600 miles away. There are some people who I have complete faith in, who I know will come visit me, who I'll make sure I see when I come back up here. There are people I'll keep in touch with through email and Facebook and text. But there are people who after I move will make an effort for a while, but a year from now, will only remember me as the loud, weird, clumsy girl who had way too much crap at her desk and loved to bake. And I know that's just what happens...people change, and grow up, and move away and move on. And the people who are important will stay important. And I'll meet new people and start new friendships and maybe, just maybe, find someone to love.

But that doesn't mean that it's not hurting me to think about. I'm too emotional for my own good, especially lately. One of my coworkers has joked that she's going to make me cry as much as possible before I leave.

It's not hard to do. Lately, it's a song or a quote or a TV show or a memory and all of a sudden I'm just a mess. I'm absolutely terrified that I'll move and cling so hard to the people I love here that I'll never meet anyone down in Nashville to start taking their places.

The thought of anything making this even more difficult just kills to think about.

And so I find myself, with two and a half months left to go, pulling away. Choosing nights at home over spending time with the people I care about. Separating myself, distancing myself....trying to make it easier.

Except now I'm living in this weird transition period of enforced loneliness. And I hate it. It's not the kind of person I am. I'm social. I'm outgoing. I want to surround myself with all these amazing people I know. But I don't want to deal with losing all of them at once. It just feels like it should be easier this way.

But....I'm lonely. Incredibly lonely. And while I sit here, watching The Office and crying to myself, trying to relax with a glass or two of wine, I think....it's going to be so much harder once I move, and when I'm lonely, I'll actually be alone.

Maybe I'm just having one of those nights where the world feels huge and I feel small....and maybe things will seem a bit different in the light of day. But right now, tonight? I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to do this.

I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name

2011-04-28T17:30:00.000-04:00

I'm making plans. Lots and lots of plans.

Career-changing plans. Pick-up-my-life-and-move-600-miles-away plans. Life-changing plans. Terrifying, exhilarating plans.

I've lived my whole life in the Detroit area. It's what I know. It's comfortable. I have family here. God knows I have friends here. My *history* is here.

So why am I skipping out on everything, and moving to Nashville?

Of course, a big part of it is my parents. And my sister. And my grandpa. They live in Tennessee, a little more than an hour east of Nashville. Being so far away from them now is awful. I hate that I don't get to see them more than a few times a year.

Part of it is my job. I like my job. And I'm good at it. But this isn't what I thought I would be doing for the rest of my life. Even when I went back to school with the intent of advancing in the company, I didn't know if I was doing it because I loved my job, or if I loved the company. As much as I enjoy the place I work and the people I work with, I can't see myself staying happy here. It feels like settling for something I never thought I'd do for too long, when there are a million other things I'd rather take a chance at.

And then there's the part of me that just wants the adventure...I've always saw myself moving somewhere else, and I'm at the point in my life where if I don't do it now, I won't do it ever. Better to pack up my life and start it fresh while I'm young, and single, and have nothing tying me down to Michigan.

I'm incredibly excited for this new chapter in my life to start. I can't wait to find new places, meet new people, build a new life from scratch.

But damn if I'm not terrified.

What if I get there and hate it? What if I find a job and can't stand it? What if the new friends I make can't compare to the ones I have now? What if the people I have in my life, the people I love dearly, forget about me when I'm 9 hours away?

What if I fail?

I could make myself crazy with the hundreds of "What ifs?" going through my head.

But I would make myself crazier if I didn't allow myself to take this chance.

There's something magical about a second chance. Of starting over where no one knows me...no one knows my history, my mistakes, my regrets. No one knows the things I've done to hurt people, or the people who have torn me to shreds. It's a chance to become someone completely different...or to improve on the person I already am.

And for all the worries, all the fear...there's so much more hope. And promise.

Not only will I be someone with no history, but all the people I meet? They'll be strangers - not people I've grown up with, not people I've worked with, not people who I have seen through all sorts of phases and pieces of their lives.

When I walk into a room, I won't be the girl who runs into walls all the time and trips over nothing (although god knows they'll see that in time). I won't be the girl who makes bad choice after bad choice. I won't be the girl who is outgoing and happy all the time. I won't have to be what people expect of me anymore, because no one will expect anything.

There's something freeing about a second chance.

I'll miss the people who really know me...The people who I trust, the people who I would call crying at 3am, the people who I could sit and watch movies and drink wine and laugh for hours with. I'll miss the people who know what I'm thinking just by the look in my eyes, the way my mouth twitches, the way my eyebrow raises slightly.

I'll miss getting in my car and driving to a friend's house without having to think about where I'm going. I'll miss the bars where they know my name. I'll miss the restaurant where I don't even have to say my order out loud.

I'll miss being able to drive by my grandparents' old houses, remembering where I came from. I'll miss the late night drives up and down roads I've been down so many times before. I'll miss the section of road I drive down that all at once calms me, and frees me, and gives me peace.

There's something heartbreaking about a second chance.

There's a lot of reasons to stay, but just as many to leave. And I think I owe it to myself to just let myself leap.

It's bittersweet, to be sure, but it's what I have to do. And while I will miss what I'm leaving, I look forward to all the possibilities I'll be gaining.

I'm terrified. I'm exhilarated. I'm nervous. I'm contemplative.

But the one thing I'm not is settling.

And that's all the encouragement I need to know that this is the right choice.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree....(Happy birthday, Momma!!)

2011-02-17T00:01:00.044-05:00

My mom used to love getting my sister and I to call her "Beautiful Mommie Dearest".

I think that helps explain where my twisted sense of humor comes from.

When I was younger, I didn't see much of my mom in me. I was always shy, and super sensitive. Mom is outgoing, sparkly, a force of nature. I seem to remember being convinced I was adopted at one point, because I felt so different from my family (and also, because I had just read the Babysitter's Club book where Claudia thinks she's adopted...all of you girls of the 80s know what I'm talking about).

But as I grew up and broke out of my shell, I started to see more of her in me. We have the same stubborn streak. We have the same weird sense of humor. We are outgoing and tend to get sucked into whatever it is we are working on. We can both read for hours on end. We have the same smile and the same eyes, although mine have more green in them. And we both enjoy a good margarita and movie night, although it's been a while since we've had one of those.

I am blessed in that my momma is also one of my best friends. I think that happened once I moved out of the house. It's a lot easier to talk about problems and boys and work and the latest boneheaded thing I did when I don't need to worry about being grounded because of it! Also, when there are two people so similar (especially with that stubbornness...), it's better for everyone else if they aren't in close quarters all the time - because when we clash? EVERYONE knows it.

She knows when I'm lying. Whether it's lying about where I was or who I was with or if I am doing okay or if I am trying to choke back tears on the phone, she always can tell. And she will NOT hold back on telling me the business. She knows how to give tough love, and while at times when I was younger I hated it, now I know it's exactly what I needed then, and it's still what I need now. And while I am sure I screamed at her much more than she deserved how much I "hated" her, and how she was "RUINING MY LIFE!", she managed to make it through my teenage years without locking me in a closet, instead displaying infinitely more patience and love than I deserved at the time. Now I can look back on those times and realize that she just wanted what any good parent wants for their child - the best world has to offer. And if she had to push me to get it, that's exactly what she did. I resented it then, but I wouldn't be the independent, strong, and resilient woman I am today without that. And I will always be grateful for that.

The only reason I would ever consider moving to Tennessee is to be close to my parents (and sister!) again. It's hard not being around them. I miss my mom so much sometimes....There's no one who knows how to make me laugh like she does, or who can comfort me in quite the same way. When my best friend moved to California, after I left her house the last time, I went straight to my parents' and cried on my mom's shoulder. When I was nervous about a first date with someone I wasn't quite sure about, she talked me down over email. I always want to share everything with her, from how work is going to my birthday plans to the newest guy I have fallen hard for. She's always on my side, just happy that I am safe and healthy, even if I have done something fairly (or, let's face it, EXTREMELY) stupid.

I have a lot of 'second' mothers, and I have the best aunties in the world, but nothing compares to a mommy. And mine is the best. And while we haven't always seen eye to eye, we have always loved each other, and we will always bring out both the best and the worst in each other, and really? I couldn't ask for more.

I love you, Momma! Happy [redacted] annual 28th birthday!
(You think I'd give her actual age? I'd like to live to see my next birthday myself!)

And I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance...

2010-12-31T22:07:00.000-05:00

Oh, 2010. Sometimes saying goodbye is really rather easy.
It was a mostly good year...the highlights were wonderful - I met some amazing people, a couple of whom have become a couple of my closest friends. It's hard to believe that a year ago I hadn't met them yet, as we easily fell into friendships that seem like they've lasted a lifetime. I got to spend Christmas with my whole immediate family, something that hadn't happened since 2003. I started to really gain some self-confidence, which was something I had been lacking the previous 27 years. I got my own place and in just over two months, have really turned it into a home.
But as always, there were plenty of dark spots on the year. I made some mistakes, and I'm sure I'll make some of them again. I hurt some people. I hurt myself. I wasted time worrying about things that I couldn't change. I wasted time trying to change things I couldn't. I lost myself more times than I care to remember, and I'm still not sure that I'm growing into the woman I want to be.
I've kept myself closed off from so many things. I want so badly to be the happy, successful, independent woman that I maybe turned my back on anything that got in the way...including a couple chances at relationships that, while they may or may not have worked out, could have been something I needed. I never trusted anyone enough to let them in, to believe they wouldn't hurt me. I continued to look at everything with the cold eyes that I've gotten so good at seeing out of.
And that is what disappoints me the most about this year - that I didn't even let myself try. That I didn't take any risks. That I said, "Oh no, I know better - I know that this will never go anywhere. I know that you're just going to make me cry in the end, so let's not call it anything more than it is. And we can go our separate ways, and I can keep being the girl who doesn't care about love."
Well. That was stupid.
Am I really better off not having let myself fall? Am I happier tonight, alone and avoiding people than I would be if I were with someone who may not have been perfect? Did I cry less this year than last? Has my heart broken fewer times? Has it ever even healed from the last time? Don't I owe it to myself to let myself believe in someone other than myself?

So. I don't have any New Year's resolutions. But I do have a new goal in my life - this year and every one after that. Keep my heart open. Let it make some decisions. Stop overthinking everything. Stop assuming the worst out of every situation just because that's all I've had in the past. Believe that the best way to finally heal a broken heart is to let it bleed again. Stop settling for all the moments of the past - all the moments that have just led to regret and tears with no one to help dry them. Let myself take some chances, make some mistakes, but know that they are leading somewhere other than a lifetime of keeping myself apart from any chance of love I'll ever have. Keep dreaming. Let love in.

Welcome, 2011. I can't wait to meet you in a couple hours with open arms and an open heart.

The most beautiful smile is the one that struggles through the tears (in memoriam)

2010-12-09T10:17:00.001-05:00

Six years ago today, the world lost a hero. A quiet, gentle, reluctant hero, but a hero nonetheless. She may have seemed an ordinary woman to the rest of the world, but to me, she was the woman I strove to become (and still do). Six years ago the world got a little bit darker, but to those of us who knew her, we discovered there are some lights that don't go out.

I wrote this on my grandmother's birthday last May, and I can't think of a better tribute to her memory than sharing it again - than letting people know that this amazing woman lived, and loved, and made me who I am. I miss her often - when something big happens and I can't tell her, or when I make spaghetti from her recipe, or when I glance at one of the pictures I have of her and my grandpa when they were young, or in so many quiet moments when I see a little bit of her in me.
************************
May 2, 2010
My next tattoo is going to be 'Que sera, sera' in script on my wrist. And it's going to be in memory of my Grandma K, who said that all the time.

Today would be her 92nd birthday.

It's impossible for me to not think about her most of the time, but today especially. There are some people in your life who shape you, who push you, who make you better, and my grandmother was one of those.

Every struggle I've had in my life...every war I've waged, whether it was against myself or others....every thing I've ever tried and failed at and tried again....The part of me that refuses to give up or give in, that refuses to accept limitations, that refuses to surrender...that comes from my grandma. She was a woman who survived anything that came at her. She battled and beat cancer more than once. She stood by her husband and her child and her grandchildren whatever happened. She did everything she could to make sure that her son and his children would have a good life. She looked for the best in people. She looked for the best in life. She was an optimist and she passed that on.

And she was beautiful! In all the ways that mattered, and in many that didn't. She had the kindest eyes I've ever seen. Full of compassion and caring, but with a glint of humor. She was always ready to laugh. Always ready to humor a child by listening to a stammered knock-knock joke, or bumbling story, and laughing her heart out. She could make you feel like the only person in the world she could possibly want to be listening to. She was selfless and funny and generous and loving and big-hearted and a force of nature. She knew when to make you laugh, or when to take you in her arms and comfort you with soft words and hugs. She displayed a stick figure drawing on her refrigerator with the same care as a straight A report card. She would take the time to do whatever it took to make other people happy, whether it was finding the perfect present, or cutting up watermelon into the kind of slices you preferred. She was a great cook and I wish I had cared more when I was younger so I could have learned more from her. I think of all the times I spent at her house, and wish that I had listened a littler harder, paid a little more attention, asked more questions. There is so much I could have discovered, so many things I wish I knew!

Grandma died 5 years ago this past December. It seems like yesterday, and a thousand years ago, all at once. There's not a day of my life that I don't think about her, feel her, discover another part of the influence she had over my life. I was unbelievably blessed to get to spend so much of my time with such an incredible woman. Some of my happiest memories from childhood are the times I spent at my grandparents' house, my sister and I dressing up in stupid outfits, or 'building' things in the backyard, or just sitting at the table coloring with Grandma. She was content with simple pleasures, and the greatest one of those was seeing her son and his children happy and healthy.

It's been over 5 years. And I'm starting to forget some of these things. I'm starting to forget the smile, and the softness, and the easy way she could turn an entire day around. I'm starting to forget the sly look in her eye when she was teasing my grandpa, and the look of her hands as she worked in the kitchen. And that scares me. How could I possibly forget any part of this amazing woman?

But then I look at my dad. And I look at my sister. And I look at myself. And I imagine the sons or daughters I may someday have.
And I realize that no matter how long she has been gone, her legacy will live on. Her touch on our lives will reach into the next generation, and the one after that, and however many come after.

And I know that she'll be looking down on all of us with love in her eyes and a smile that comes from the heart, giving a little push whenever we need it, and being the quiet voice in our heads, reminding us that whatever will be, will be.

I'm bound to thank you for it....(A tribute to the best people in the world)

2010-11-25T13:27:00.000-05:00

I generally have all these things in my head on a daily basis, but it's Thanksgiving, and what better time to say it (write it?) out loud? Especially for the people in my life - you don't ever get enough credit. So, on this day of thanks and love, I would like to hopefully give you back something for all the amazing things you've given me.

To my family - While we may be a ~~certifiably insane~~ ~~psychotic~~ ~~completely batshit crazy~~ ~~how the HELL aren't you all institutionalized~~*quirky* bunch, we are all also fiercely loyal to each other, and while we all may give each other all kinds of grief about just about anything, it's only because we care. I have been incredibly blessed to have the extended family I do - it's made my parents and sister moving over five hundred miles away a little easier. And my parents! Never has the world known two more amazing and supportive people - I know I am biased, but I truly do have the best parents ever. And because of them, I have my big sister, who is my hero and protector and partner in crime and confidant and best friend all in one. Of course, I can't not mention my grandfather who is 91 and will probably still have me cracking up at corny jokes when I see him next month. And I can't forget the ones who've passed on: Grandma K and Grammy and Popu. They played a huge role in shaping the woman I am today.

To my friends - Never has a girl been so lucky to have so many wonderful people in her life. The last year or two has had a lot of ups and downs, and I never would have made it through without my friends. Whether it's the people I've known for twenty years, the soul mate I met in middle school, or the person I met six months ago who quickly turned into one of my best friends, every single one of them has changed my life for the better. Some people I am lucky enough to see every day (and lucky enough to have them keep me sane during long work days), and others close to that often. Others I only see every few months - for some of them, it doesn't matter how much time has passed - we pick up right where we left off. I am so grateful for the co-workers who have turned into friends, and the friends that have turned into family.

I love you guys all so much, and honestly? I wouldn't be here without you. You keep me going, keep me breathing, keep me smiling, and definitely keep me laughing. For all of the times you've let me pass out on your sofa, cry on your shoulder, use you for your ability to lift heavy things, join your family for holidays when I didn't have a place to go...thank you. For installing extra locks on my door, for picking me up when my car was out of commission, for picking up the check when you knew I was low on funds, for taking me out dancing when I needed some cheering up, for telling me I would be okay when I was sure I wouldn't....thank you. For pushing me through some of the hardest times I've faced, for picking me up off the floor when I thought I was done, for giving me a hug and a smile and a word of encouragement, for supporting me and challenging me and saving me....I can never thank you enough. I'd be nothing without you, but with you, I have everything.

Lots of love, and wishes for a wonderful and safe holiday season to all you and yours.

Some people want to fill the world with silly love songs (An anniversary post)

2010-09-28T15:44:00.003-04:00

March 10, 1979 - The first date

Two people meet. They’re polar opposites. She comes from a huge family. He’s an only child. She’s outgoing and vivacious. He is introverted and serious. She is creative and he is logical. Her sarcastic streak is legendary. His sincerity can’t be questioned. They share the same silly nature, the same fierce loyalty, the same big-heartedness.

Two people meet. Their differences bring them together. Their chemistry is undeniable. Some people don’t understand it. Some people question them, maybe think they’re moving too fast. Some people think there’s no chance this will last.

Some people didn’t know what they were talking about.

He was dating someone else when they met. Luckily for them (and for my sister and I!) that fizzled out – I like to think fate had a hand in that. In November of 1978, they began a flirtation that would build until they finally went on their first date in March.

May 1979, about a week before getting engaged

Two months and three days after their first date, they got engaged. On May 13, 1979, my father asked my mother to spend the rest of her life with him. She forgot to say yes, too swept up in the joy of the moment.

Four months and just over two weeks later, they were married. It was a simple wedding, but the love in the room must have been obvious for anyone to see. They were both glowing – radiant, even.

Several months later, they welcomed their first daughter. Two years and three months after that, they had their second. It was a family that struggled with the things all families deal with, but above everything else, it was a family that loved each other fiercely. It was a home where two little girls grew up seeing what a family could be, and looking forward to the day when they could have their own. It was a home where even though the parents fought sometimes, they never walked away. They cared enough to stick it out. It was a partnership.

September 28, 1979

Thirty-one years later, they are still madly in love. They still turn to each other when one of their songs comes on the radio, exchanging a secret look. They still call each other by nicknames developed decades ago. They still instinctively grasp hands when walking through the grocery store. They still have their little spats, and they still figure out a way to work through them. They still remember every anniversary – first kiss, first date, the day they got engaged, and of course, the day they said “I do.” They’re still in it. For the long haul.

Two people meet. They take a chance. They start a life.

Thirty-one years later, they’ve raised two daughters. Both of those daughters are strong, and smart, and happy. They both could be accused of being picky – of thinking that no one is good enough for them.

But those two daughters? They know that’s not the case.

October 2008

They just know what love can look like. And they’re not willing to settle. Because for their entire lives, they’ve seen what real love can be. And they won’t stop looking until they find that.

Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad. Thanks for teaching me about love, about life, and about holding out for something spectacular. And thanks for giving me and Sara an example that we can look up to – an example of how while love isn’t always easy, it’s always worth it.

Could this just be the day, I think, when anything is possible?

2010-09-16T10:36:00.001-04:00

Fall weather is here and it makes me listen to David Gray a lot...so here you go.

Using only song titles from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions.

Pick Your Artist: David Gray

Describe yourself: Gathering Dust
How do you feel about yourself: Holding On
If you could go anywhere, where would you go: From Here You Can Almost See the Sea
What do you want to do right now: Debauchery
What is your love life like?: Dead in the Water
What are you good at: Forgetting

You know that: A Moment Changes Everything
What do you dream of: This Year's Love
If your life was a tv show, what would it be called: Silver Lining
What is life to you: Forever is Tomorrow is Today
What is the best advice you have to give: Shine

A much needed break....

2010-09-04T13:00:00.000-04:00

When this posts, I'll be floating down a river in a tube, drink in hand....possibly napping, but it's supposed to be chilly and it won't be that far into our trip yet.

I'm going camping this weekend - my first vacation since May. Of 2009.

I need it.

School is starting next week. Work just keeps getting busier. I haven't had a chance to just relax for more than a few hours at a time in god knows how long.

So in a few minutes, I am turning off my computer until I get home Monday. Once we get on the campground tomorrow, I will likely lose cell signal.

No outside contact for 72 hours. No work emails to check. No irritating ex-boyfriends sending friend requests on Facebook.

Just me, a tent, a river, some good tunes, good drinks, and 28 incredibly entertaining other people.

I can't wait.

But after you read this, while I am still floating down a river, please leave me comments or send me emails or something....because when I get back on Monday? I am going to need something to bring me back to reality.

Just one day/night without weird dreams...that's all I ask

2010-08-29T16:12:00.002-04:00

"Metaphorically, driving a car in your dream, is analogous to your sex life and sexual performance. Consider how you are driving and what kind of car you are driving and how it relates to your waking sex life." (Dream Moods)

So, going way too fast, zipping in and out of traffic, barely squeezing by on the shoulder, up and down hills and over bridges.....basically driving like every kind of terrible driver in the world at once, all the while I and my car are shrinking smaller and smaller until by the time I bust through the doors of a mall, I am essentially driving a matchbox car....

Hmmm.

"To dream that you are shrinking, suggests that you lack self-confidence and self-esteem. You may be feeling embarrassed, insignificant or unimportant in some situation. Perhaps you feel that you have been overlooked by others."

Well, that second one, I can certainly get behind...

I'm ready to fall and that's okay....

2010-08-26T21:42:00.000-04:00

My window is open and there is a bite in the air tonight. It brings the promise of fall, and hot apple cider, and cozying up next to a bonfire in a big, warm sweatshirt. Halloween and haunted houses. All-night movie marathons and spending hours in a coffee shop working on homework. Giant scarves and clear skies.

I love fall, yet it always makes me a little sad. Maybe it's because it's an ending - the end of summer, the end of freedom, the end of warm weather. Maybe because it's a time of year when it's better to be with someone...to have someone to cuddle up with when the nights are just a little too chilly - someone to carve pumpkins with and be the other half of a cheesy couple's Halloween costume.

Or maybe because it means winter is right around the corner, and the world is about to stop for a few months. I love all four seasons, but I wish winter lasted a week. Or two. Not for five months. I would be happy with snow for Christmas, and then right back up to being 50+ degrees. It's not just the snow - the cold is incredibly rough on my joints, and every winter I go through pain pills and IcyHot like they're going out of style.

But then again, surviving another winter just makes spring all the more wonderful.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

Fall. Football. Apple wine. Big warm sweaters. Beautiful colors. Wrapping up in comfy blankets and reading for hours. Feeling like, even though all the green is gone, that the world is about to be fresh and clean and new again.

I'm so ready for it.

But I'm really going to miss my flip-flops.

Mawwiage is what bwings us togetha today....(Spin Cycle)

2010-08-13T01:02:00.000-04:00

I guess I'm a typical girl.

I have been dreaming about poofy white dresses and champagne toasts and flower combinations and first dance song selections for as long as I can remember. I've been planning the perfect wedding since I was in preschool and got married the first time.

Hell, I even have a dress picked out (from many afternoons spent with engaged friends, pouring over bridal magazines. Come on. A single girl has to find something to entertain herself, and reading stories on wedding etiquette? Not gonna cut it.)

I know what song my dad and I will dance to. I know my sister will make me cry with her maid of honor toast. I know I'm much more likely to wear flip-flops than I am to wear heels. I know I care more about having a great DJ and bar than I do about location or decorations.

The part that trips me up?

The groom.

In all my fantasies as a child, and any inkling of an dream now, there's no man in the picture. Maybe Johnny Depp (yes, in that costume...) once in a while, or Hugh Jackman (definitely minus the Wolverine claws...), but let's be honest - that's more of a wedding night fantasy ;-)

The older I get, the more I become convinced that I'll never get married. When I was eighteen, I figured it was a matter of time and within five years I'd be engaged to Mr. Perfect.

Ten years later, I'm not so optimistic.

Of course, I'm also a lot more independent. A lot more confident that if I end up alone, I'll be okay. It might not be ideal, but I know that I'll be fine whatever way my life works out.

People always say that this changes when you meet the right person. That suddenly, you'll just be ready to start your life with someone you love.

I'm definitely not there. Not even close. Even the men I've been almost sure I loved, I could never see a future together. I don't know if that says more about the relationships, or me. I hope I find that someday. But until then?

I just want the party. The dress. The dancing. All the stupid traditions.

And if I meet someone who makes me care less about the buffet and the videographer and more about the marriage? Well, I have the invitations picked out already.....

Happy birthday, Auntie!

2010-08-10T11:07:00.000-04:00

Just a quick one - everyone stop in today to wish my Auntie a happy birthday! And then be jealous that I get to have dinner and ice cream with her tonight!

Thanks, Auntie M, for exposing me to fantastic music, and also for getting me addicted to The Princess Bride all those years ago (on laser disc, no less!), when I used to babysit and make mix tapes after the kiddies had gone to bed :-)

That's her in the bottom right, circa 1984. (And my momma is right next to her!)

RTT: The problem is estrogen....

2010-08-03T00:01:00.021-04:00

♥ I can find a Grey's quote for just about any situation. Probably because I am over-dramatic and talk too much, just like the characters on that show.

♥ Can I just say, my new birth control is totally fucking with me? I am so ridiculously moody now I'm just waiting for someone to slap me and yell at me to get ahold of myself. Someone asked me how I was today, and I about started crying into my coffee mug. WTF?! I do not like this.

♥ I am taking a few days off before school starts again, and they cannot get here fast enough. I haven't really taken any time off, other than being sick, since last May. I need a real vacation sometime soon - planning on one for spring break next year, with my best friend. That's too far away.

♥ Funny how a year changes everything.....

♥ Completely unrelated, but my old classmate at Birdie Royale is entering the Mad Men Casting Call and you should totally vote for her. She is absolutely stunning and a wonderful person. Plus it's super easy - just click that link, and click 'Vote' - You don't need to register or anything.

♥ Seriously. Eff this birth control. I just started tearing up over a sort-of compliment. This is ridiculous. I mean, I know I'm a sap, but I'm out of control right now.

♥ If it could be Friday when I wake up tomorrow, that would be fantastic.

♥ I'm working on a new story idea and I like it so far. It's all in my head though, I haven't started writing. Which means I'll get through 20 pages and then burn out.

♥ I hit my head in the pool on Saturday. Then Sunday I hit it on the freezer door. And a couple hours ago? Definitely banged the crap out of it on my car. I fail.

♥ 635 days until I graduate. Not that I'm counting.

♥ Oh, and yea....you can like me, too. All the cool kids are doing it!

*************
As always, go check out Keely for more Random Tuesday Thoughts!

RTT: On being a pansy, but also a badass

2010-07-27T22:31:00.000-04:00

• A friend of mine posted this video on Facebook today. I'll admit it, I definitely shed some tears over it at work. It's silly and stupid but it reminds me of high school and watching that movie with good friends and singing that song in my first car, driving around at night and dreaming of a day when I'd find a love like that.

• I try to come off as a badass. I'm a fairly confident woman. I'm independent and fiercely stubborn. If you've been reading me for any length of time, you've seen this. But shit like this? Kills me.

• I think I put all my energy and emotion into songs, and movies, and TV shows, and books, and save nothing for real life. After spending the first twenty-five years or so of my life crying over everything, I'm pretty much done with that.

• That's not to say that I'm a heartless bitch now. I just don't wear my heart out on my sleeve so much anymore.

• But if y'all could actually know everything going on in this messed up little mind of mine? Whew. Let's just say I'm glad you can't.

• Obviously there are a few people who can read me no matter what. My sister is one of them. As is my momma.

• They've also known me twenty-eight years. It's the people who've known me much, much less that worry me. They're the ones who can hurt me. There are a few I can trust not to - those soul friends who are more like family - but it's those people who you've only just met that can really twist a knife in your back.

• Yet lately, I seem to be letting more and more of those people into my life. There are a couple in particular that stick out. And I hope that my gut reaction of trusting them doesn't lead to me getting hurt.

• There's a quote from Grey's Anatomy I love that relates to this: "Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without."

• That pretty much sums it up.

• And hey - speaking of my sister, why not like her on Facebook? If you like me, you'll love her!

• Oh, and yea....you can like me, too. All the cool kids are doing it!

• Bonus - my high school reunion was a couple weekends ago. I talked about it here, a little. Because I know you all love to see pictures, here is one of me all dolled up!

Don't I clean up nice?

*************
As always, go check out Keely for more Random Tuesday Thoughts!

Spin Cycle: Yes, I have been married before...

2010-07-23T16:22:00.000-04:00

The first time I got proposed to, I was four.

His name was Nick, and he was the dreamiest boy in my preschool class.

We got married one sunny day with a mutual friend presiding. He promised to always let me have the good crayons when we colored, and I swore that he could always be the blue piece in Candyland. We shared a piece of Bazooka to consummate the marriage.

Wedded bliss came easy to us. We sat next to each other during circle time, built our home together out of cardboard bricks, and he always let me use the good shovel in the sandbox. Life was perfect – we were young, and happy, and in love. Nothing could keep us apart.

Except for kindergarten. Our romance ended the way many do – time and distance were just too much.

The second time I got proposed to, it was third grade. His name was Jon, he lived down the street, and one day, we were climbing trees in the field in our subdivision, and he said, “I’m going to marry you someday.”

I told him I didn’t need a boy – that I could do anything he could do, and that I could take care of myself. Then I proved my point by climbing higher than he could in the tree, jumping down faster, and beating him back to our bikes.

He didn’t get it.

Later that day he brought me a plastic ring (the kind that you could shoot water out of) and a bouquet of daisies and dandelions.

I broke that poor boy’s heart that day.

Yes, even at the precocious age of eight, I knew that the friendship we had just wasn’t enough. I wanted more.

In the two decades since then, I’ve had several more proposals. Most joking, a couple quasi-serious, and one that left me dumbfounded.

But at the end of the day, I stand by my independent and stubborn eight-year-old self: I want more.

More than just friendship. More than just fireworks. More than security. I want it all.

Maybe I’ll never find that. Maybe I’ll just be crazy Aunt Andrea for the rest of my life. I’m okay with that. I might not be climbing trees anytime soon, but I can still take care of myself. And if there’s something I can’t do for some reason, I have the means to hire someone else to do it for me. I’m the same girl I was twenty years ago, just older and wiser and if anything, more stubborn than I was then.

But if someone gets through? If I have my first honest-to-god, serious proposal one day? If a man gets through the layers of pigheadedness and protection and still wants to spend the rest of his life with me?

That’s when the string of proposals will end. Because when I say yes (and not as a toddler), it’ll mean forever.

*******************

Check out other spins by visiting the lovely and amazing Jen* at Sprite's Keeper.

*May not be an accurate photograph. SK Jen is way hotter <3

Another year older, another year wiser?

2010-07-19T01:27:00.031-04:00

Well, it's official. I'm twenty-eight and the same age as my mother (although she has thirty years of experience behind her as well).

Looking back at the last year, I can only hope that twenty-eight goes better than twenty-seven did.

Don't get me wrong. I am a much stronger person than I was at this time last year. I've made it through some rough patches and done a fairly good job of it. I am more confident, happier, smarter....

But looking back....I did A LOT of stupid things this past year. I mean, a lot. I put myself in situations that I never would have imagined myself in before. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of. I let myself be fairly hedonistic and didn't think twice about over-consuming in any of the tempting areas I found myself. And while I had some great times, I also had way too many moments of regret.

I've learned from the mistakes. Yet I repeat them over and over again. This past weekend is a prime example - I acted without thinking and made some choices that I, once again, am finding myself regretting. I can't take it back and I can't dwell on it, so I've come up with a new plan: REALLY learn from it. I won't beat myself up over anything I've done - good or bad, they were my choices - but I will remember how I feel right now, and how I made other people feel, and I will remember that sometimes it pays to take a step back and look at the big picture.

So, twenty-seven? Went out with a bang.Twenty-eight? I expect to be a much more gentle ride. I'm looking forward to it.

Thinking randomly on a Tuesday...

2010-07-13T00:01:00.025-04:00

☼ I have been having a lot of dreams set in my parents' old house lately. Very strange.

☼ My 10-year reunion is this coming Saturday. I got a new dress, and it isn't black, which is kind of a miracle. I'm sure I'll have some pictures of me and my friends lookin' gorgeous on Sunday, so I'll try to remember to post them :-)

☼ My birthday is next Monday! 28. Crazy how different my life is now than what I thought it would be. I have to say, I'm glad I'm not married with children as I always assumed I would be at this age.

☼ I have asked my Magic 8 Ball the same question every day for a week now. And every day it answers in the affirmative. That makes me happy. Not like I actually believe that it's seriously predicting the future, but it's nice to dream :-)

☼ Last week was the first week I haven't worked overtime since sometime in April. It's been nice being busy cause the time is flying, but it was also nice not having to work this weekend.

☼ My momma and daddy are getting into town on Friday!!! I haven't seen them since my birthday week last year, so I am very very excited. Even if I am going to be insanely busy.

☼ Part of the insanity? I just picked up another Sunday softball league. This one lasts through 8/15. My next team starts 8/8. I am hoping for no game time overlap. With at least an hour between games, since they are in different cities. I'm crazy.

☼ Speaking of softball, I took a line drive in the arm two weeks ago playing second base. It hurt.

I wish I had taken a picture of it after a few days. The bruise extended all the way up my arm, on both sides. I still have bruising and it actually still hurts a bit, two weeks later.

☼ Hoping I don't get any more disfiguring injuries this year.

☼ Also hoping work stays a little less crazy for a while. I don't think I can handle anymore crazy stress.

☼ It's been great for my diet though. Down 27 lbs now! WIN!

☼ As always, click the link up top to visit Keely, and find other random thinkers :-)

I need more spoons*....(an anniversary, of sorts)

2010-06-10T11:06:00.002-04:00

It's hard to believe, but this month marks five years since I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis.

Five years of daily challenges. Five years of almost constant exhaustion and pain. Five years of never having enough spoons. Five years of pushing myself more and more. Five years of finding out who will always be on my side. Five years of fear and worry. Five years of working with the Arthritis Foundation and meeting some truly amazing people. Five years of bad nights of sleep and worse mornings. Five years of realizing how much strength I have inside of me.

Five years. It seems like a million. It's hard to remember not being sick, not having a chronic condition that forces me to slow down.

Five years of give and take. Of every choice I make during the day having a bearing on what I can do later on. Of making trades - I can go out this night, but the next I need to be in bed at 9. I can play softball two nights a week, but then I need to rest for two days. I can go grocery shopping today, but I can't cook until tomorrow.

Of course, not every day is like this. Some days I have more energy than others. Some days, it's easy to forget that I'm sick. And to look at me, most people wouldn't guess that I'm not a typical, healthy 20-something. That's life with an invisible disease - nothing to show the pain you're in, how tired you are, how the meds you just started are making you sick every morning, how you literally roll out of bed in the morning, because you can't bend your knees to stand....

But the people who know you, who see you often - even if they don't know about your illness, even if you've never said anything - they see the signs - the big, scary bags under your eyes. The IcyHot you keep on your desk. The flats you bring to work in case your heels become too much. The slow, hitching walk of someone who is fighting to get through every step. Your friends familiar with your situation will try to understand, but it's impossible. Until you have been in it, you just can't get it. People can usually understand the physical challenges, but the emotional and mental struggles? How can you really describe the frustration of not being able to do simple tasks? How can you put into words how embarrassing it is to have to ask someone to tie your shoes for you, or open a bottle of soda? Sure, you try to laugh it off, try to act like losing control isn't killing you, but it is. And for me, someone who is independent and stubborn to the core? I will make a million jokes before I admit how helpless I feel. I will struggle with something for hours before I admit defeat. And I will hold my head up until I am safely alone before I break down.

But the good things? I've seen the good in a lot of people. I have met amazing people, both online and off, who struggle with RA and Lupus and OA and any number of other autoimmune diseases. I have a great support system, between them, and my amazing family and friends. I have grown up and grown stronger. I've learned to slow down - that everything doesn't always have to be done at warp speed. I've started to take care of myself better.

And I'm ready to take on the next five, and however many come after that. RA, prepare to get your ass kicked.

---------------------------------
*Title comes from The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino at But You Don't Look Sick. One of the best things I've seen that tries to explain life with a chronic illness.

Spin Cycle: We've got tonight, who needs tomorrow?

2010-05-29T23:33:00.000-04:00

Oh, prom. The poofy dresses (Looking back, I am glad I went with a more classic, simple dress. The fact that it was only $60? Even better). The bad music. The hours of hair and nail appointments. The lack of a proper date (some things never do change...).

It's hard to believe it's been ten years. It's almost enough to make me feel old. That, and the fact that I can barely remember it...I am going senile, apparently.

Things I do remember:

-Bob Seger. Our prom song was We've Got Tonight which is a song I had already loved, and still love to this day. I'm not sure that it was entirely appropriate, since it's about having a one-night stand and knowing it's not going anywhere. I don't mind the sentiment, but really? I am kind of surprised that at a school where we couldn't show bare shoulders for fear that amount of flesh would be distracting, they let that song get chosen.

-My date, Phil. (Yea, I've talked about him here before). He was my default date for dances in high school, and was a pretty good one. Even if he did pull my chair out from under me so I fell down (it was to lighten a somber mood, so I didn't really mind)

-Going to Farmer Jack after prom cause nothing else was open, and stealing a 'Caution: Wet Floor' sign.

-Standing in a giant circle on the dance floor with a good chunk of my class, all singing 'Lean On Me'.

-Dancing with the guy I had a crush on for way too long, since he was really not that amazing.

-Dress shopping with my girls. I think that was actually my favorite part - all trying on dresses at David's Bridal, looking like freaking Easter eggs, but all looking gorgeous.

Annnnnd that's about it. It's funny, because prom is always built up as such a huge event, especially for girls. I remember always thinking that something would happen, something would change - like being dressed up and realizing high school was almost over would make the guy I liked realize he wanted to be with me, and we would dance all night and fall in love and live happily ever after. Instead, we danced and then awkwardly one-arm hugged each other, and went back to our respective dates. I just pictured it as being something more than it was, and once I realized that it wasn't going to be some life-changing event like it always was in movies, I guess I was a little sad. Maybe not sad, maybe that's not the right word....But I was disappointed. And maybe that's when I started to become a little more cynical - because that was when I finally realized that happy endings and fairy tales are all basically bullshit.

I still have my corsage, though. I guess I'm just a sentimental fool about some things (who keeps crap for way too long for no good reason) (I think the one on the left is from Homecoming the year before - also a dance that Phil was my date for. Boy BFFs are the best!)

With the ten-year reunion coming up (and me undecided if I'm actually going to go) I wonder if the event can possibly live up to the expectation - seeing old friends, catching up with out-of-towners, wondering who turned out better than expected and who just completely fell apart. Facebook has kind of negated the need to do this, which is why I don't know that I'll bother. In movies, the 'cool' kids have all turned out to be losers, and the outsiders are the most successful and the happiest. But I already know that's not totally true, and I really don't need to see evidence of other people's successes when I have so many failures.

Mostly, if I go, I think I'll just, once again, end the night feeling a little bit disappointed, a little bit relieved it's over, and a little bit more certain that there are no happy endings in sight. At least not the stereotypical Hollywood ending, and while I'm not necessarily sad about that, and I am good with my life for the most part, I am a little sad that I've just stopped expecting one. I think back to me at seventeen, and how hopeful and optimistic I was about life and love (and yes, naive) and wonder how I got from there to here. And I wonder if I'll ever look at anything with that wide-eyed enthusiasm again.

I'd give anything to...

At least I come by it honestly....(Happy Mother's Day!)

2010-05-09T23:35:00.000-04:00

Me, Momma, and Sara, circa 1985ish

drowning on dry land...

2010-05-08T01:21:00.000-04:00

I just woke up from a ridiculous nightmare, and I'm still trying to let myself breathe again. I haven't had a full-on nightmare in a while so this one really freaked me out.

The beginning of it started off normally enough...I was hanging out with some friends, and decided to leave wherever I was to go visit some others. It was close by, so I decided to walk. Well, apparently in my dream, I was terrified of dogs, because I was trying to do some evasive manuevering to get away from it....and somehow I ended up at one of those big play structures, with the big twisty slides, and, like, freaking towers, and obstacles, kind of like this, but times a hundred.

Anyway, so I end up at this place, and one of my friends is there, with her daughter. Her daughter got underneath the structure somehow, and I said I would go under and find her. So I start crawling around under this play structure, and at some point, a couple police officers get there to try and help, because we can't find her. And finally, I see her on the other end of the structure from where I am, and the cops go to get her. Meanwhile, it starts raining, and the sand the thing is sitting on just starts to cover me. And I couldn't move because it was weighing down my arms and legs, and I couldn't yell without it getting in my mouth. So I was banging on the underside of one of the slides, and no one could hear me, and I was freaking out and couldn't breathe and could feel myself getting more and more trapped.

And that is when I woke up, gasping for air and freaked out.

And I am pretty sure I know exactly what this means. I'm looking some of it up on Dream Moods right now, and so far I've been right on. Being buried alive means you are being undermined or stifled in some way. Wet sand equals a lack of balance. Calling for help means you are overwhelmed and inadequate. Playgrounds suggest needing to escape daily responsibilities.

Check. Check. Check. And check.

Right about now, I am really wishing I had the time for a long vacation....

The most beautiful smile is the one that struggles through the tears.

2010-05-02T15:51:00.000-04:00

My next tattoo is going to be 'Que sera, sera' in script on my wrist. And it's going to be in memory of my Grandma K, who said that all the time.

Today would be her 92nd birthday.

It's impossible for me to not think about her most of the time, but today especially. There are some people in your life who shape you, who push you, who make you better, and my grandmother was one of those.

Every struggle I've had in my life...every war I've waged, whether it was against myself or others....every thing I've ever tried and failed at and tried again....The part of me that refuses to give up or give in, that refuses to accept limitations, that refuses to surrender...that comes from my grandma. She was a woman who survived anything that came at her. She battled and beat cancer more than once. She stood by her husband and her child and her grandchildren whatever happened. She did everything she could to make sure that her son and his children would have a good life. She looked for the best in people. She looked for the best in life. She was an optimist and she passed that on.

RTT makes me sad, because it means I'm still very far away from Friday...

2010-04-27T22:57:00.000-04:00

*I've been on a rollercoaster the last month or so and I feel like it's starting to settle down. I'm sorting things out in my life at the moment and trying to figure out who and what I want to be. If there is a handbook out there for this, please, someone, let me know.

*Been feeling lonely lately. Spring. It does that to me. Stupid season. Doesn't it know I'm supposed to be independent and strong? Heh.

*Winter semester is over and I am off school for 4 months. I'd be psyched for all the free time but work is going to take over my life at least until the end of June, so, well...gotta do what I gotta do, I guess.

*I am free!! A week earlier than expected! I haven't really posted about any of this, and I'm sure I will soon, so you can just wait on that...

*Softball season is officially underway. My work team? Kicks ass. We had our first game last night and won 18-6, or something like that. And I made a couple good plays.
My other team? We have room for improvement :-) I have full confidence that we'll do it though. I need to hit the batting cages this week, at least once.

*My elbows are incredibly dry. I think I've become immune to all my usual fixes. Anyone have good lotion recommendations?

*I have a tan. In April. This is unheard of for me. (And yes, my tan is another person's ghostly white, but whatever. I have sensitive alabaster skin. Anything other than translucent, blue, or tomato red is a miracle.)

*Thanks to last week's Glee I am on a Madonna kick. So if you happen to see me, and I happen to burst into 'Express Yourself' or 'Like a Prayer'? Don't say I didn't warn you.

In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make...

2010-04-23T11:51:00.000-04:00

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

That line, from The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, is one that has stuck with me in the decade since I first read the novel.

There's a lot of truth in the sentiment. We search for someone who makes us happy, who makes us better, who makes us complete. Sometimes, we find that person. Sometimes, that person turns out to be the opposite of who we thought they were. Sometimes they hurt us. Sometimes we let them. Sometimes we put all our energy and heart and soul and faith into a person who has done nothing to earn any of them. Sometimes we cry ourselves to sleep, wondering why we care so much, why we can't just walk away, why this "great love" has turned into something we never thought we would put up with.

I know I'm guilty of it.

There was a time when I took any scrap of affection that was carelessly tossed my way and clung to it with every part of me. When I was so love-starved that I would put up with lies and cheating and selfishness and emotional torture, just so I wouldn't be alone. When I would drive home, sobbing so hard I could barely steer the car, totally unsure what I had done that made me deserve this treatment. Wondering when I became so weak that I would stay with someone who didn't give a damn about me. Wanting to rip my own heart out, because it wasn't doing me any good anyway.

But I always stayed. I always stuck it out. I thought that I couldn't do any better. I thought that this was it. This was what my life would be like. I wasn't pretty enough, or funny enough, or smart enough to have the right to be happy, to have someone who actually loved ME. Not the doormat. Not the caregiver. ME. I got so used to being in a constant state of loneliness, even when I was sleeping next to someone. But I still never thought of leaving that. I just wanted something, even if it wasn't love. Even if it was barely involved. Even if my heart shattered over and over again, while I tried to figure out what to do to make myself better, more deserving, easier to be with...anything to make my screwed-up relationship into something more.

But then, something happened. The last straw. The time I really needed someone to be there, and he wasn't. He couldn't be bothered. There I was, crying and lost and empty, reeling from the loss of one of the most influential people in my life, and he couldn't be bothered to even come up with an "I'm sorry for your loss." I ended up going to a new friend, one I barely knew, who held me and let me cry and suddenly made me realize that I WAS worthy of being cared for, of being loved. That I was a good person, and that while I had my faults, I deserved someone who would drop everything to come pick me up when I couldn't get myself up off the floor.

That was when I knew I had to let go.

Since then, I've been in my fair share of rough relationships. I've been hurt, and my heart is worse for the wear. But I have made it a point to never let things get to the point where I didn't know why I was in it again. And yes, I've made some mistakes and given little pieces of myself away to some people who probably didn't deserve them, but it was always on my own terms.

And now? I'm stronger than ever. I'm more confident. I know who I am, and I know what I deserve. And I am holding out for it. Whether I find it now, or next month, or in twenty years, I'll know that, as the song goes, in the end, the love I'll take will be equal to the love I'll make.

30-Day Challenge: End of the line

2010-04-16T10:17:00.000-04:00

I give up. I am not writing about anything else for this. Especially since my sister just posted Day 15, and it's 'Fanfic'.

I am not a fangirl.

So, later today, or maybe tomorrow (but probably Sunday) I will return you to your regularly scheduled erratic blog posts.

G'day.

Day 12: I do what I want

2010-04-14T22:07:00.001-04:00

My mind is in all sorts of fucked up places right now.

I'm seeing other people grow up and move on, and it makes me feel...not like a failure...but...like I'm missing something. Like I should be in a better place than I am. Like I should be more of an adult, more stable, more responsible...something. I don't know.

It's not that I particularly want what they have. I don't want to be getting married, or having babies, or buying houses. I like that everything in my life is kind of...temporary.

Maybe *like* isn't the right word. I'm comfortable with it. That's better. I'm comfortable with not being tied down to anything. I'm terrified to put down any kind of roots, anywhere, whether it's a house, or a relationship.

I like only being committed to myself. Everything else in my life is...transitional. If I lose it tomorrow, I'll survive. I'll get through it. I'll move on.

But I wonder....why am I so okay with this? Shouldn't I be looking to settle down? Aren't I getting to the age where it's normal to want to plant yourself down somewhere? Shouldn't I be wanting something real?

Or should I just stop comparing myself to other people, and not putting any stock in whatever milestones signify being a grown up?

Day 11: A photo of you taken recently

2010-04-13T20:50:00.000-04:00

This isn't *that* recent, but it's classic Andrea...

Me, rockin' karaoke and Heart's 'Alone'. And no, I do NOT require alcohol to sing. This is my sober (and incredibly exhausted) period.

Cheers, darlins!

Day 10: A photo of you taken over 10 years ago

2010-04-12T16:03:00.000-04:00

Today you get two for the price of one!

First off, here is my senior yearbook photo. I love this picture - I actually loved all my senior pictures (except the ones of me in a purple dress - SO not me) but this one is one of my favorites.

And then there's a special treat - for anyone who ever believed that I wasn't always so much of a nerd...well, this will prove them wrong. I can't believe I'm actually posting this. And letting people see it. Instead of destroying the evidence....oi.

This was obviously before I discovered hair product. And contacts. And dressing like a girl.

Day 9: A photo you took

2010-04-11T22:55:00.000-04:00

Doubling up today cause I missed a day.

In one of the photo classes I took, we did a self-portrait project. This is my favorite picture of the ones I used. It's an old scan, and not a very good one-eventually I'll need to rescan some of my photography. But I love the picture-the lighting is fantastic, and it just feels like me, you know?

Tomorrow, you get to see maybe the worst picture of me ever taken....and also, one of the best. Photos from over 10 years ago!

Day 8: A picture that makes you angry.

2010-04-11T21:31:00.000-04:00

Any Detroit fan would agree - this picture, of our most hated player in the NHL, holding OUR cup? Instant rage.

Day 7: A picture that makes you happy

2010-04-10T12:18:00.002-04:00

This picture, to me, is absolute proof that there is real love in the world.

It's what keeps me believing in soul mates, even when outwardly, I'm at my most cynical.

It's why no matter how many times I give up, I throw my hands up and decide that I am done caring, done looking, done hoping....I will always step back, and take a breath, and remember that true love is out there. That it exists, maybe even for me.

My parents at their wedding, September 28, 1979

Because when I look at this picture, and see my parents, radiant and madly in love and so completely happy, I know that someday, if I'm really lucky, I'll find this too. And someday, if I'm really lucky, it'll be my daughter looking at my wedding picture, and realizing that she shouldn't give up hope.

Day 6: I'm an auntie! (free write day)

2010-04-08T20:28:00.000-04:00

About a year and a half ago, I posted this: The Groomsman with Ovaries when my best friend Phil got married, and I stood up with him.

Two weeks ago today, he and his wife, Lisa, welcomed their first child.

Parker Graham was born on Thursday, March 25 at 8:01 am. He was 8 lbs, 2 ozs, and 20 inches long.

Look at that kid. How could anyone say he isn't 100% perfect?

So yes. I am an auntie now, and I plan on spoiling my new little sunshine rotten :-)

Day 5: All life is an experiement.

2010-04-07T22:12:00.001-04:00

This past Saturday, I was talking to an ex-coworker's older sister about our various relationships, and I said I was due for a good one soon (I still fully believe that).

She's fifteen years older than me, and infinitely wiser. It's nice being able to talk to someone who has so much more life experience than I do, who can help put things in perspective.

She recited this quote to me:

Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little course, and you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice. Up again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble. [Ralph Waldo Emerson]

Sometimes, it's hard to remember. Sometimes, it's easy to forget. I get lost in the heartache and the challenges of living, of loving, of losing. I forget that much of the joy comes from the learning. I forget how much stronger I am now than I was six months, a year, two years ago.

And I need the reminder to get up off my ass, dust myself off, and try again.

So thanks to this fantastic woman, I am remembering that it takes trials to make us stronger, and that everything I do is just another opportunity to grow.

And lately, I've needed that. And right now? I fully appreciate her wisdom.

Day 4: Sometimes you find an author and it feels like she writes from your soul....

2010-04-06T20:27:00.000-04:00

For me, that author is the incredibly talented Liza Palmer. She has three novels out - Conversations with the Fat Girl, Seeing Me Naked, and A Field Guide to Burying Your Parents.

In the almost 5 years since Conversations came out, I have read it, at minimum, 25 times. The other two aren't far behind. Something about Liza's writing style grips me from page one, and her characters are complex and beautiful. They are flawed yet sympathetic. Confused, but strong. Amazing women who are insecure and loving and powerful and frightened and REAL.

After Seeing Me Naked came out, I emailed Liza to give her some fanmail (cause who doesn't love that?). Here is a part of what I wrote - I can't put in any better than this:

And once again....the characters you write are amazingly complex, sympathetic, and I can see parts of myself in almost all of them. Even the characters I want to dislike have redeeming qualities, and I find myself wishing them well and with all characters, imagining the great lives they have coming. I cry with them, laugh at them, and at times, want to sit them down and give them a dose of reality.

Thank you for creating these lovely worlds of people and places, and letting your readers explore them for a while.

For me, letting a talented author know how much I love her work was enough. Imagine my surprise when she not only responded, but made my day when I got her reply:

Okay, so this is officially the awesomest email ever. Seriously. What a...lovely, lovely thing (things?) to say. It has soo made my day. Just lovely...i can't stop saying lovely-i know more words, i assure you.

I'm working on Book three right now-and this is by far the highlight of my day.

You're awesome--thank you so much.

I also got a signed copy of the UK print of Seeing Me Naked.

Not only does Liza write amazing books, but she cares about her fans. We have definitely had a few Twitter conversations (Billy Squier love!) and she just seems like the most down-to-earth, fun person.

For me, that's icing on the fabulously written cake. Knowing an author is so...human...makes her so much more appealing to read, because it makes all her words feel real.

And I can't wait to read whatever she releases next.

RTT: Things to look forward to...

2010-04-06T18:03:00.000-04:00

*Almost two weeks ago, I became Auntie Andrea. No, this is not a child of my older sister, saradoxical, for those of you who know her and would be wondering why she hasn't mentioned it. There's more on this soon - for now, I give you this lovely picture of me and my new nephew:

*My beautiful Mommie Dearest (yes, that is exactly what my sister and I called her until we learned better..) gave me an award. That'll be up soon.

*The entertaining and fabulous Jess also bestowed an award on my unworthy ass. A couple weeks ago, actually. I've been busy. You'll see that in the next few days.

*More posts from the 30-Day writing challenge.

*The semester is coming to an end. Only a couple more weeks. No spring and summer classes this year, so hopefully y'all will be hearing more from me.

*It's been a rough month or two, but things can only get better...right?

Day 3: You just get pictures today

2010-04-05T22:26:00.001-04:00

I don't feel good and I don't have much to say. Other than don't judge me for the third one. We all need some eye-candy and mindless entertainment now and then :-)

Day 2: Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken

2010-04-04T11:53:00.001-04:00

When I was a kid, without a doubt, my favorite movie was Wild Hearts Can't be Broken.

It was a live-action Disney movie, about a girl, Sonora Webster (played by Gabrielle Anwar who has called Wild Hearts the favorite of her films), who is a runaway during the 1930s. She gets a job as a stable hand for Doc Carver, and his 'diving horses.' She dreams of becoming a diving girl, and eventually gets her break. There is an accident, and it looks like she may never dive again. But hard work and courage pay off, and naturally it ends well. It is Disney, after all.

Throughout the story, Sonora develops a relationship with Doc's son, Al, played by Michael Schoeffling, better known to most children of the 80s as Jake Ryan. This was the first movie I had seen him in (I was 9 - Sixteen Candles was still several years away) and I immediately fell in love. He is the perfect leading man - charming, sensitive, gorgeous, strong, secure. He was probably my first real celebrity crush, and I am still sad that he dropped out of the industry. I would give an arm to see how he looks today - he turns 50 this year and I would bet that he looks amazing still. Sigh. Old crushes die hard.

I think the reason I love this movie so much, still, is that I see a little bit of myself in Sonora. She's a little bit wild, a lot bit stubborn, and she doesn't give up. I like to think that I have those same characteristics. It's an inspiring story without being completely hokey, and there is happiness but also sorrow. This movie, to me, has stood up to time and its classic themes keep me hooked year after year. Recently I discovered Netflix has it on instant movies, so you can bet I'll be watching it incredibly soon.

"I found my destiny, not in far off places but within myself."

Day 1: Who has just ONE favorite song?

2010-04-03T17:56:00.000-04:00

For me, music needs to touch me. It needs to make me feel something, good or bad. It needs to hit that spot in my soul that simple words just can't, and connect with me on a level that I don't always get from life in general.

Today, I bring you two of my favorite songs.

The first is Falling Slowly from Once, which is an amazing movie and you all should see.

I find it incredibly beautiful. It's sad and hopeful and uplifting all at once. Sometimes it gets me teary-eyed, sometimes not...but I every time I hear it, I feel my heart fill up.

The second is Just Watch the Fireworks by Jimmy Eat World.

I love the lyric: "Here you can be anything, and I think that scares you" because it is so completely true. That point? Where you are at the edge of getting or being everything you want? It's terrifying. And the point where you can be yourself with someone? When you feel like you can drop all the layers and masks and just be you? Also terrifying.

(Ignore whatever show that is...Smallville? I just wanted a non-live version of the song)

I have a million more songs that I love, and are my "favorites" but they change so frequently it's hard to list them all. What can I say? Years of working in music stores, and many years before that of babysitting at my aunt and uncle's house and making mix tapes from their million CDs, and I am an avid music lover.

Tomorrow - favorite movie. Then and Now!

30-Day Challenge? (Or, beating last year's amount of posts by the middle of April)

2010-04-03T10:01:00.000-04:00

I stole this from my lovely and immensely talented big sister, saradoxical.

I'm a couple days late starting, but I will catch up with three in one in a little bit, after I go for a brisk walk/slow run :-)

Look forward to me actually posting this month!
--------------
In an effort to write more in here, I am borrowing this 30 day challenge from various friends on LiveJournal. Starting tomorrow, I shall be blogging on these topics:

Day 01 — Your favorite song
Day 02 — Your favorite movie
Day 03 — Your favorite television program
Day 04 — Your favorite book
Day 05 — Your favorite quote
Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 — A photo you took
Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 13 — A fictional book
Day 14 — A non-fictional book
Day 15 — A fanfic
Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19 — A talent of yours
Day 20 — A hobby of yours
Day 21 — A recipe
Day 22 — A website
Day 23 — A YouTube video
Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25 — Your day, in great detail
Day 26 — Your week, in great detail
Day 27 — This month, in great detail
Day 28 — This year, in great detail
Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

I'll give you the best of me, but you won't see the rest of me....

2010-04-02T09:00:00.001-04:00

So, what better way to end a blogging dry spell than by jumping into the Spin Cycle? This week, Jen over at Sprite's Keeper asked us to pick out our favorite blog, and repost that.

Well, I don't have just one. So I'm rebelling. And these aren't necessarily my favorites, but ones that have some kind of meaning to me, or tell you the most about who I am. And I'm just posting a link, and a couple lines about why you should read it. I've picked up a few new readers recently (until I disappeared for weeks, probably) so this is as good an intro to the crazy but wonderful but terrible but entertaining world of Andrea.

Here goes....

"No, those are NOT my Magnum condoms...."
One of my most popular posts - it's how several people found me, after it was featured on Good Mom/Bad Mom. Reading back over it now, I still crack up. And turn red. This story has made the rounds, including at my work. Some things can really only happen to me....

So yes, been there. Done that. Laughed about it afterwards. Sometimes for years, because some of those stories just won't die....

But until tonight, I have never know true mortification.

"Crawling in the Dark"
My struggles, living with a chronic, painful illness. It's a side of me that I try not to show all that often - who wants people knowing they have weaknesses? But to know me is to know this, so here it is.

In the three years since then, I have been to the doctor more times than I care to count. I have had more blood drawn than seems humanly possible, and spent far too much money on medication and Icy-Hot. Not quite what I imagined my life would be like at 26.
I have been lucky.

"my first spin cycle"
This is getting posted only cause it's the first, and I just saw it. The topic was 'poetry' and I was apparently feeling quite angsty. In haiku form.

bitter.
three small words break me
again, pieces in your hands.
yea, well, fuck you too
(how can i still miss you?)

"and this is why i will never settle for anything less than everything"
My parents were celebrating their 30th anniversary. Of their engagement. It reminded me how lucky I was to have them, and their example. I can't say enough good things about my parents. I love them in ridiculous amounts.

Yes, my parents are that couple....The couple that if you are a stranger walking behind them at the grocery store, you will undoubtedly notice the way that when they are walking side-by-side, their hands just automatically find each other.

"The best I can give you is the worst part of me"
This was actually what I posted for my 'worst' blog as a spin cycle last summer. And part of why I had chosen it was because I was letting my guard down - which is exactly why I'm posting it now.

I AM genuinely happy for all the people I care about, but it just reminds me of my failures. And my failures? Not something I want the world to see. In this post, it's just me, being honest, and putting my heart out there for everyone to explore. And losing my usual cover of strength and independence? Scary.

"I barely have the breath to breathe"
Another honest post. It's odd that I will say anything here, but in real life? I hide it all.

Have you ever woken up one morning and wondered where the hell you were?

I’m not talking about that sinking feeling in your stomach you get after a one-night stand,
where you literally have no idea where you are, although that is part of this--I’m talking
about that sinking feeling in your soul when you suddenly realize you have no idea how your life got to this point.

"A letter to me, age 17"
Another Spin Cycle post - this was a free spin and I got it into my head that I should write a letter to myself, ten years ago. It's a favorite because I honestly wish I could go back in time and share this with her.

You aren't getting married in the next ten years anyway, and looking back, you'll realize that you should've just slept with him and at least had your first time mean something, instead of waking up after a night of heavy drinking on an air mattress after losing it to some guy you just met. (FYI - This might still happen. In that case, there IS a house alarm, and sneaking off at 6.30am? Won't work.)

"Hell yea, I have someone I love this Valentine's Day"
Yet another Spin Cycle. Jen makes me write better, apparently :-) I love this one, because it reminds me of how far I've come.

This year though? I'm forgetting about the past. This year, I am dedicating the day to myself, and reminding myself why I love who I am. I am celebrating me, and I'm gonna buy myself some flowers, and I am going to remember that I do just fine on my own, thank you very much...

One day I'll figure out what I want to be when I grow up....

2010-03-14T12:55:00.001-04:00

When I was a kid, I would reach for the stars. My potential career list included rockstar, teacher, garbagewoman, astronaut, archaeologist, gymnast, doctor, artist, and lord knows what else. By the time I hit puberty, I had started to narrow the focus a little more to things slightly more realistic - writer, journalist, teacher, or similar. When I started college, I knew I was going to be a writer. Whether it was a Pulitzer-winning journalist, or a New York Times best-selling novelist, I was going to make a name for myself.

Now? I may as well be six-years-old again, drawing pictures of myself, waving out the window of a spaceship.

When I started college again last winter, I was set on a business degree. After living through ups and downs for years, stability and practicality sounded good. I reasoned that even if I didn't have a lot of interest in a lot of the classes, I could fake my way through, and still do well enough to insure a graduation with honors.

Recently, I've been rethinking that decision. I've been thinking back to the classes I've taken that I liked - LOVED - and excelled in. I've been wondering if I'd ever get as excited about accounting or salesmanship as I did about speech and interpersonal communications. I've been realizing that I am not nearly analytical enough to get through another two years of business courses. And I've been reading the course descriptions for my upcoming curriculum, and already starting to dread next Fall.

And then it hit me - Why would I do this to myself? Why should I suffer through painfully boring prerequisites only to get to a program that is "practical"? A program that, as much as I've tried to psyche myself up for, I am dreading. I'm looking ahead a year and a half, and I can see myself just struggling to pass classes, trying to keep interest long enough to make sure I get a C. I can actually see myself being happy with mediocrity, and that? Is not something I'm willing to settle for.

A few months ago I started tossing around the idea of changing my major. Of getting out of the College of Business. Of never taking another economics class, or discussing legalities of contracts, or worrying about how in the hell I'm going to manage to pass finance and accounting classes. And I started looking at other options.

Yesterday, I made a [not-yet-set-in-stone] decision: I am going to change my major. I am going to get back to what I love - what I'm good at - and focus on Communications. And right now, I'm leaning towards a minor in Psychology.

The good news? This won't add any more years to my schooling. I already have a few of the prereqs covered for both of those programs. And looking through the class lists, and what I would have to take? I'm interested. I WANT to take Listening Behavior, and Intercultural Communication, and yes, okay, The Psychology of Sex. There isn't a single thing on the course lists that makes me shudder, or makes me question what I've gotten myself into - definitely unlike the requirements for that Marketing degree, which made my eyes glaze over just by reading the titles...

So, I have a plan. I'm starting to make the pieces fall into place. I've emailed the advising office, to make sure I didn't miss something completely obvious, and that my theory that I'll be able to do this in the same amount of time isn't way off-base. And I emailed the HR manager at work, to see if this degree will be any better or worse than a business degree. From conversations before I started school, it'll be fine, but I want to make sure before I commit to anything.

Right now I'm in hold, but I can't wait to figure out if this is the way to go. I'm moving forward, and at the moment, that's really all that matters.

RTT: Spring is coming and I'm invincible.

2010-03-09T20:28:00.000-05:00

*Spring is in the air. It's slightly less cold when I wake up at 4.30am to go to the gym. It's making it slightly more bearable to leave my warm, cozy bed. And by the time I drive to work? I can hear birds singing. And the sun is shining. Love.

*Spring is my co-favorite season with autumn. Spring because of new beginnings. A clean slate. Everything is new and fresh. I always believed that if I ever fell in love, it would happen in the springtime. Not counting on it this year, but we'll see how next year goes.

*For the last week and a half I have been unstoppable. Nothing's getting me down. Sure, I have things I'm stressed about, as always, but for the first time in a really, really, REALLY long time, I don't feel like I'm drowning. And it feels damn good.

*What also feels good? Being 7 pounds down after my first week back on Weight Watchers. You can track my progress (and read what I think are funny stories) at my other blog, Loving Me Naked.

*I'm wearing a bright pink Snuggie right now. I only had on light PJ pants and a tank top, and I got chilly. Don't judge me.

*I have been re-reading some favorite books lately. Three of them are by Liza Palmer, one of my favorite authors. Every book she writes speaks to a different part of me, and reading all three, back to back? I feel drained and hopeful and exhausted and sad and joyful and inspired all at once. It's amazing. Eventually I'll be posting reviews of them, because they're that fantastic. Her second novel is called 'Seeing Me Naked' and was the inspiration for my new blog title.

*The other book I just finished re-reading was The Next Thing on My List by Jill Smolinski. Again, it got me thinking. If I had a list of 20 things to do by the time I was 30, what would they be? Finish school, for one. Hit my goal weight. Skydive. Hit my goal weight. Other than that, though? I have no idea. I always saw the big things for me happening after that age, if they happen at all - getting married, having kids....And those aren't things that I'm tied to. I guess I really don't have 'goals', just things that I would do if the opportunity arose. I wonder what that says about me...

*Meijer's Churned-Style Light Chocolate Moose Tracks ice cream? Freaking amazing. Totally worth 3 points a serving. Way more satisfying than just fat-free chocolate or something. Yum!

*Yes, I realize that I just went from what could turn into an insightful revelation into my inner workings, to raving about ice cream. It's just easier.

Softball + Lack of coordination = Bad idea. (Spin Cycle!)

2010-03-05T06:41:00.000-05:00

Growing up, I was always athletic. Gymnastics, soccer, basketball, bike-riding and rollerblading for miles around the neighborhood...I loved it all. I was insanely flexible, in great shape, and had a good sense of balance (that unfortunately disappeared around the time I went from an A to a C).

That's me, in the center, back in my gymnastics days. I *think* I'm about 10 or11 here, but I could be way off.

These days? Well, the flexibility died a long time ago (hence why I bought the DVD 'Yoga for Inflexible People'). Strength? To put it nicely, I'd be able to beat a kitten in a fist fight, but not many other things. And balance? Does righting myself fast enough to not fall over when I run into walls count?

I'm a klutz. I've accepted it. I also, up until very recently (see my new blog!), am incredibly lazy. So three years ago, when I started at my current job and heard about the softball team, I surprised myself by signing up. I think part of it was knowing that it'd be a way to get to know coworkers - I had just started, and I was coming off a job where I knew and liked almost everyone. I had played a couple intramurel games before, but that had been years before, and I was fairly sure I was going to be terrible.

So before the season started, I went to a practice with a friend's different team.
It didn't go well.

Do you love how I'm smiling? Yes, I am magical, thank you.

Anyway, the first year went as I figured. I sucked. I was terrible. By the end of the season, I was finally able to throw the ball from home base (I always played catcher, since it was the least important position) to the pitcher. Once in a while I hit the ball. I think I even scored a couple times.

Season 2? I got promoted. Second base became my home, and while I wasn't good, I was improving. I started going to the batting cages, and making more of an effort to not....suck. When the season ended, I was fairly consistently getting hits, and occasionally making a decent play in the infield.

And this past summer...best yet. More of the same, just improving more and more. Sure, I have my off moments, and stupid plays, and mistakes, but whatever. It's a company team, it's fun, and that's all I really care about. We were regular season champions! Go Mud Dawgs!!

And I can't wait for the season to start this year :-)

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For more sports-themed spins, pay a visit to Jen the Incredible @ Sprite's Keeper!

Another little corner of the internet, just for me

2010-03-02T21:06:00.002-05:00

So I don't bore my faithful readers (all 4 of you?) I have decided to make a separate blog to post my progress on my new weight-loss/get fit/get healthy/kick ass/etc mission.

You can find me at Loving Me Naked if you are so inclined.
(Yes, I realize that I will likely get some interesting visitors...)

That's all! More real, fun stories soon! This week is slightly less crazy than the last....52 or so.

Here goes nothing....

2010-02-28T11:44:00.003-05:00

Many years ago (okay, three) I started Weight Watchers. I did well on the program, losing about 35-40 pounds.

Three years later, it's almost all back. And I have sacrificed my health and appearance for the sake of Ben and Jerry's, which, to be honest, up until now has been an alright trade-off for me.

No more.

Last night, I re-enrolled in Weight Watchers online. Luckily, it saved my information from the last time, and I discovered I am still down from when I began (by all of 4.8 pounds, but I'm not going to turn my nose up at that).

Today? Day 1. Fresh start.

Hell yea, I have someone I love this Valentine's Day

2010-02-12T23:42:00.003-05:00

It'd be so easy to be bitter this time of year. Valentine's Day, a day for lovers...A day where no matter how independent or happy you are, it just seems as though it would be easier to be with someone.

Every year, I watch all the other women at work get flowers. I hear friends talk about their plans for the holiday. I give advice to guy friends on good presents to get. And I wonder if I'll get my turn someday.

Most years, I turn Valentine's Day into a singles' night out. Get a little sloppy drunk, go out to the bars, maybe dance with a stranger. Have a couple shots, maybe exchange phone numbers and a drunken goodbye kiss, and then never hear from him again. And every year, I still have a hole inside of me, because I'm still unchosen.

This year though? I'm forgetting about the past. This year, I am dedicating the day to myself, and reminding myself why I love who I am. I am celebrating me, and I'm gonna buy myself some flowers, and I am going to remember that I do just fine on my own, thank you very much, and I would rather be alone and happy with myself on February 14 than stuck in a relationship I don't want, wasting money on a man I don't love, buying presents for a ridiculous holiday.

And dammit, it feels good.

What feels even better? Knowing that eventually, I'll meet someone who loves me as much as I do. It might take a year or twenty, but it'll happen. And even if it doesn't? I'll be just fine. Because this girl? She has faith in herself, and people she loves and who love her, and beyond that, everything else is just gravy.

So even though love can hurt, you must never give up your search for it. And if you get hurt twenty times in finding that one true, honest love, then it was worth it. There is always love in the world, and people who truly want it. The worst thing you can let happen, is to allow someone to take that belief away from you. They can hurt you, but don't let them have that also.
Unknown)

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Go visit Jen and check out other spins this week!

RTT: A day late, but I'm on my own damn time

2010-02-10T12:02:00.005-05:00

My lovely sister found this lovely layout at Yummy Lolly and thought of me.

So I'm using it now.

It snowed. I can't leave my apartment. Because of this:

I really don't feel like giving myself a heart attack trying to shovel that out.

At least it means I get to work from home in sweatpants.

Time to track down some food!

Happiness damn near destroys you...

2010-01-29T23:58:00.001-05:00

The Fray has a song I absolutely love called Happiness.

One of the verses is something I've had quite a lot of experience with:

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that's probably enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

I think we all feel like that sometimes, don't we? Often it is because we're so happy, we could burst, or we're so happy, we just know something is going to come along and mess it up. As Charles Schultz said, through the mouth of Charlie Brown, "I think I'm afraid to be happy, because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens."

The last several months, I haven't been happy. I was happy. I was thrilled with how my life was going. I finally had a grip on things. And then, suddenly, life threw me a curveball, and things got messed up, and I went to the dark place. And right now, I'm finally starting to pull myself out (with a lot of help from a lot of people).

Am I going to stop letting myself be happy? No. Am I going to be afraid to feel joy, because I'm sure sorrow will follow? No. After all, without pain, pleasure wouldn't be half as sweet. Without tears, smiles wouldn't be so beautiful. The things that don't kill us make us stronger. As a favorite Hemingway quote says, "The world breaks everyone and afterward, many are stronger at the broken places."

I'm a survivor. I can get through anything, be it a failed relationship, a disappointing grade, a moment of weakness, a complete mistake of my own making, or anything else the world throws at me. And I will feel pain, and I will be broken again. But I am confident in knowing that I'll also be myself again...and that one day, when I least expect it, without knowing how or why or from where it came, happiness will find its way back to me, and it will feel all the better for having made it through the rain.

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you'll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she'll be home

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Go visit Jen and check out other spins this week!

RTT: Holy Productive Tuesday, Batman!

2010-01-26T12:44:00.004-05:00

*The boots I ordered have shipped! I should hopefully have them tomorrow, and I am super pumped. I am crossing my fingers that they'll fit perfectly, or at least decently. I can't wait for tall boots and tights :-)

*My 10 year reunion is being planned, and one of the ideas being kicked around is a dinner cruise. It sounds like a great time in theory, but in reality, do I really want to be stuck on a boat with 200 people for 4 hours?

*I was incredibly productive today. Cooked for the week, cleaned the kitchen, straightened up my room, took my lit quiz (100%, thank you!), did my taxes, filed my FAFSA...I am loving Tuesdays this semester. I get so much done!

*I've taken to calling the bottom shelf of my big bookcase my 'nerd shelf' - it has my Harry Potter books, and the books about Harry Potter from a class I took - my Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit box set...My copy of 'The Princess Bride'...My 'Office Space Kit'...'America' by Jon Stewart. I'm a nerd. But I embrace it.

*I started ripping CDs onto my computer this weekend. I think I've done about 50 so far. Only about 600 more to go....

*Time to make some hot chocolate and then go to bed. Long day tomorrow - work and then class, and I have a quiz in Business Stats. Ugh.

As always, go visit Keely for more random thoughts!

Spin Cycle: Everybody's got one...

2010-01-22T13:03:00.005-05:00

I am entirely too exhausted to actually write a good post on this. So instead, there's a quote from one of my favorite movies that seemed appropriate for this spin.

"You want free speech? Let's see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil, who's standing center stage and advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours. You want to claim this land as the land of the free? Then the symbol of your country can't just be a flag; the symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest. Show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your classrooms." - The American President

And because I'm loving Aaron Sorkin today,

"Actions are immoral. Opinions are not. And I won't apologize for mine. Discussion is good, and for those of us fortunate enough to be the subject of magazine articles, it may be our responsibility from time to time to try and raise the level of debate." - Sports Night

Go visit Jen to get to some good spins, instead of this!

5 Quotations (a new meme. I'm starting it. WIN!)

2010-01-20T11:24:00.000-05:00

I found this going through old Livejournal entries from 2005. Thought it would be fun to redo now :-)
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Go here and browse the random quotes until you find five that you think reflect who you are or what you believe. Repost and tag five friends (if you want).

1 - If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. - Tallulah Bankhead

2 - It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves. - Edmund Hillary

3 - It is human nature to think wisely and act foolishly. - Anatole France

4 - The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places. - Hemingway (One of my all-time favorites!)

5 - To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe. - Anatole France

TAG!
Rachel!
Auntie!
Momma!
Beth!
Jess!

RTT: I think I can, I think I can.

2010-01-19T09:25:00.006-05:00

~Every time I get the question, "Love or money?" I choose money. Is that so bad?

~I just downloaded a new ringtone. It may or may not be Christina Aguilera, 'Keeps Gettin Better'. What can I say? It gets me pumped up.

~I have been listening to some old school music lately. It's taking me back to high school, and the few years immediately following, and it's amazing what a song can do.

~I think I'm already getting the reputation in my online lit class of being contrary. It's not that I honestly disagree with everything that people say on the boards, it's just that they all (literally - ALL) agree with everything the professor says in his lecture, and don't even seem to try to form their own opinions. How much does that drive me crazy?

~I just tried yoga for the first time. I am bendier than I thought I was. I also have absolutely no balance. I foresee many bruises in my future.

~I also just made healthy lunches for the rest of the week. And banana nut muffins. Yum.

~My dreams lately have been out of control. I don't even know where to start on that. Oi.

~I am definitely overwhelmed right now with everything I have going on. Work is insane, and it keeps getting busier, and I keep taking more things on. At least I'm making myself more valuable there. And I'll get through it. I just need to remember to breathe. And maybe lock myself in a soundproof room and scream. That would work too.

~I am definitely considering ignoring some of my homework tonight and going to bed at 9 o'clock.

As always, click the link up top to visit Keely, and find other random thinkers :-)

see i don't know why i don't fall in love...

2010-01-13T21:43:00.002-05:00

So, as I have mentioned a couple times now, I started seeing a therapist last Thursday. Tomorrow is my second appointment.

It's odd how much easier it is to talk to a complete stranger than it is to your best friends, sometimes.

I'm hoping this will be beneficial. More and more I look at my life and wonder how I got to where I am, and when I became the way I am. I wasn't always this cynical. I used to believe in true love and happily ever after. I used to let people in a lot easier. That's probably part of my trouble now. I've been let down, broken down, too many times to want to try again.

Maybe seeing her will help me understand why I go for the quick fix instead of something lasting. I'd like to eventually get past that. I'm sick of having these...moments. That's what I feel like every 'relationship' I've been in over the last several years has been - a series of moments that don't connect to me or my life or my heart in any significant way. I always have a foot and a half out the door, ready to run at the first sign of something more than the initial infatuation. Hell, I've let some great guys go, and pushed others away, because of it. At some point, I'd like that to stop.

And if talking my new therapist's ears off for the next few months helps, then that is what I'm going to do.

RTT: Getting it in under the wire

2010-01-12T22:42:00.004-05:00

Holy crap. It's Tuesday. Almost Wednesday. How did that happen?

^ School started last Wednesday. I made a color-coded calendar, with all my homework and quizzes and exams and papers and whatever else....I am having anxiety just looking at it. New blog entries will likely be few and far between this semester.

^ I recently cleaned my room and in doing so, cleaned out my dresser. I found several bras that were of the flimsy variety - and in a B cup. These days, the ladies are definitely Ds. It was nice to have a good reason to explore the Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual sale. It was even nicer to get the 3 cute new bras I ordered today. Nothing will make a girl feel hotter than new lingerie (even if only one is of the sexy-hot variety - the other two are cute, and supportive, without being scary three-inch wide straps and 5 hooks up the back)

^ Another order I'm waiting on - my new yoga DVDs, including Yoga for Inflexible People. This is supposed to be great for people with RA, so I'm looking forward to it. I miss how bendy I used to be.

^ I have had a song stuck in my head for days. I have no idea what it is, who sings it, what the actual words are, or the real tune. In my head it just goes 'mmm mmmmmm mm mmmm mmm'. If you have any idea what I'm talking about, let me know :-)

^ As I mentioned last Tuesday, I started seeing a therapist last week. I have a second appointment on Thursday this week. So far, I like her. She is very no-nonsense which is what I need.

^ I did something like 20 loads of laundry between January 2 and last night.

^ My eyes are not really staying open anymore.

^ I think it's beddtime.

^ I'll leave you with this - apparently it is 'Retro Picture Week' on Facebook. I don't know if this is real or just one of my friends deciding, but in any case, I wanted to share my lovely picture.

Is that not the creepiest damn thing you've ever seen? I scare myself sometimes.

Anyway, go back up, and click the link to visit Keely, and find other random thinkers :-)

Spin Cycle: Success!!! A week of cleaning later, here are the after shots!

2010-01-08T18:55:00.007-05:00

(You can see the before pictures here)

I didn't know if I would manage to get this done - and true, it isn't complete. I still have another 40 loads of laundry to do. I want to clean my bathroom. But my room is clean, and organized, and I already feel more at peace. Hopefully those of you who got stressed out just from looking at my before pictures will get rid of some tension now :-)

No captions. Just pictures. They speak for themselves!

and lastly....I LOVE my shoes.

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For my fellow full-figured ladies!

2010-01-08T09:32:00.003-05:00

If, like me, you don't have calves the size of toothpicks, you may find it difficult to find boots that will zip up. I LOVE tall boots with skirts and tights in the winter and can never wear them since apparently my calves are freakishly fat.

I may have found an answer.

I just ordered these boots from Woman Within. (Awful name, yea?) They have multiple widths AND wide calf boots.

They are on backorder until 1/22, but I figured I would share the wealth now, as they have a special - When you buy any two items on the website, get half off the MORE expensive item. (Promo Code: WWSHOP50)

My cute new boots in a 10W were $27.49.

I have NEVER paid that little for boots.

Most of the products have customer reviews, and I'm sure I'll be adding one. I found those helpful.

I just wanted to share the website and the promotion in case anyone is interested.

Once I get them, I'll let you know how they are!

Just clean my head up doc, I'll give you anything you want (Not- so-R TT)

2010-01-05T21:16:00.003-05:00

Thursday after work I have my first session with a therapist.

I've been thinking about finding one for a while - any of you who have been keeping up with my sporadic posting over the last several months can probably see how up and down I've been - last year was a rough year.

I'm not really sure how I feel about therapy. I think it can be beneficial, obviously, but I don't know how I'll do talking about things with a stranger. I can't talk about half of what's on my mind with my closest friends - why do I think someone I've never met will be any different?

Or maybe that's what will help me...I don't know.

I just know that I need to do something before I implode. And if talking to an objective party could help, well, I'd be an idiot not to try.

Have any of you been in therapy? Did it help? (Feel free to email if you aren't comfortable leaving a comment about it. I'm curious)

I guess if anything, maybe I'll start to figure out why I'm so fucked up when it comes to love/relationships. That'd be a good start.

And also, maybe I'll be able to overcome my fear of rectangles....(anyone who gets the reference? Officially my hero.)

Spin Cycle: My life is big and messy, and so is my room (The Before)

2010-01-02T21:23:00.006-05:00

The new semester is about to start, so I figured I would finally clean my room...(don't judge me too much - I work full-time, go to school full-time, and my time at home is spent on homework or asleep. So no, I don't have time to clean and keep things neat. And to be honest? I usually don't care!)

and do some laundry....(my bed is under there somewhere)

I think it's quite possible that Jimmy Hoffa is buried in my closet.

I love this little closet door pocket organizer. Unfortunately, lately I haven't been using it much...

This corner was where my desk was. I'm selling it on craigslist and bought a new one (better suited for my laptop), but I want to finish cleaning before I move it in. That actually isn't mess down there - it's the pile of things I'm keeping out of the 8 giant garbage bags I've already filled.

I can't wait til I get my bookcase organized again. That has made me crazier than anything else.

After pictures to come later in the week!!

So this is the New Year...and I have no resolution..

2010-01-01T14:06:00.004-05:00

January 1.
Another new year, another list of promises for me to break by January 2.
Another year of setting myself up for disappointment.
Another year of guaranteeing failure.

Wait. What?

I hate New Year's resolutions. I always used to make them, quickly following that with breaking them (record? Three resolutions broken by 12:04am.)

This year, I am bucking that tradition. I am not making any resolutions. Instead, I will share with you my goals for the foreseeable future. This list would be the same even if it was some arbitrary date on the calendar, rather than a new year, fresh start, etc.

1 - Keep my focus. Fall semester I had a lot on my plate, personally, and I lost focus both at school and at work. I don't think my performance suffered that much, but I prefer to give 100% and I found it difficult the last few months. So I would like to learn how to tune out everything else and just power through the task at hand.

2 - Stay organized. Starting that one today with cleaning. I bought a new desk for my room that will be better suited for my laptop than the one I currently have (which means soon I will no longer be hunched over my coffee table trying to type) and I want to get that set up before school starts next week. I think I will feel a lot more sane if I can declutter and make my room somewhere I want to be.

3 - Kick ass at school. I've got two years to go and I want to graduate with honors. I know I can rock a 4.0 if I try hard enough, but I am setting a goal of graduating with a 3.6 or higher so I don't kick my own ass if I have a hard time in a class or two.

4 - Stop making so many bad choices. Helped along by the fact that I'm not drinking.

5 - Get myself back into gear. I have been slacking for far too long. I'm lethargic and lazy and I need to remember how good it feels to move. I'm not setting a goal of losing x amount of weight or going to the gym x times a week, but I need to do something to get out of a chair. It's hard with 40 hours at work and 13 credit hours of school, plus homework, but I need to start giving myself breaks and just getting up and stretching or going for a walk or something. That'll help with my RA as well, which is equally important.

6 - Don't settle for anything less than what I want. I've done that a few too many times recently, and it never ended well. Whether it's relationships, career, school, whatever, I need to remember what I want, and not try to convince myself that something else will be a good backup choice. I'm better than that.

7 - Keep my head up. I had a rough few months, but I'm working through it and I'm starting to feel like myself again. No matter what happens in the next few weeks/months/years, I just have to remember that I am a fantastic person, and I have fantastic people in my life, and no matter what the world throws at me, I have the strength to get through it. And if I somehow can't find the strength within myself, I have twenty people right next to me, ready to pick me up if I find myself at the lowest of lows again.

I think that's about it, at least for now. I'm sure I'll add to this in the next few weeks once I think of other ways I'd like to improve myself.

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Visit Sprite's Keeper and Nanny Goats for more resolutions!

What a year for a new year...

2009-12-31T14:46:00.004-05:00

So, 2009 is just over 10 hours from its completion, and in what seems to be a growing consensus, I will not be sad to see it go.

Truthfully, there was a lot of good in my life this year. It's easy to look past that when I think about all the rough things I've dealt/am dealing with, but I can't honestly say that everything that happened in the last year of the decade was awful.

Overall, it was an incredibly challenging year for me - personally, professionally, scholastically.

By far, the biggest change in my life this year was returning to school after several years of working fulltime. In January, I dove into a full credit load schedule, not having any idea how I was going to do it, but planning on giving it my all. I ended my first semester back with a 3.57, and made the Dean's List. I also was awarded a scholarship from my college that will last until I graduate, and take at least a little bit of student loans off my back. This past semester I ended up dropping classes after an unrelated event caused me to completely lose focus, but I still pulled it out, and I finish the year as a college junior (9 years after starting college courses) and with a 3.42 GPA. Next year I plan on returning to two full semesters, and 2 courses over the spring and summer, and I am fully planning on kicking ass and taking names.

At work, I think I did a good job of staying focused and getting things done. Because of my school schedule, I ended up working quite a lot of nights and weekends over the last year, and spending many days close to ripping my hair out. My team has been shorthanded all year, and my desk showed the extra jobs I was taking on. It was stressful, it was crazy, but in the end, I know my work is appreciated, and I feel confident in knowing that I'm not only getting by, I'm building a career.

Personally, there were far more downs than ups. That's all I'm saying about that, other than at times, I'm surprised I made it through without having a full-fledged breakdown. Also, I have learned more about myself and what I'm capable of handling in the last three months than maybe the last two decades. And I've grown up more in the last three months than I ever would have thought possible.

So, 2009. Goodbye, good ridance. Thanks for the lessons, thanks for the memories, wish you woulda skipped over the shit luck. Won't miss you. At all.

2010, let's hear it for a fresh start and second chances. Try to not screw us all over too bad, k?

Happy New Year lovies! Tomorrow, resolutions? We'll see...

A Secret Santa surprise for one of my favorite bloggers!

2009-12-25T09:50:00.003-05:00

As a happy participator in The Spin Cycle, I was pumped when Jen gave us our new assignment: Pick your five favorite blogs, she'd narrow it down to one, and you post about why the chosen blogger kicks forty-five kinds of ass. So, my chosen one, I hope you enjoy!!

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I first found the amazing Sal of Already Pretty courtesy of Blogtations. There was a quote on there from one of her posts that I identified with:

"As a teen, I dreamed of being a bodiless brain in a jar. A smart, artistically inclined, physically awkward young woman, I shied away from anything that made me think about myself in terms of body. I hid in my loose, formless clothes, refused makeup, and let my hair remain unruly. I looked a little like a hobo, albeit one with excellent oral hygiene."

Well, if that wasn't enough to get me hooked, the entirety of her post certainly did. If you've never read Sal before, that's a great one to get started with.

*****

I love that Sal's tagline is "Helping you recognize your own beauty, one post at a time." There are a million style blogs out there, and a million beauty blogs, but to me, Sal's stands out because she focuses so much on inner beauty and self-confidence as well. By posting a poll every couple of weeks, she ~~forces~~encourages readers to look into themselves to find something that makes them unique/makes them beautiful/makes them feel amazing/makes them who they are. I cannot tell you how much my self-image has gone up in the last year and a half of actually having to think about my body and what I love about it. One of my favorites was deciding on my five best. I loved the idea so much I ~~stole~~borrowed it on my own blog. Having to really evaluate what I love about myself? It's a lovely boost of confidence.

*****

Without Sal, I wouldn't have any idea how to dress professional but also personal for an interview, wear belts without looking like a fool, fit the business casual requirement at work in a more interesting way than my usual black pants/boring sweater, or a million other tips and ideas I've picked up from her.

*****

Besides all this, Sal is a truly great person, always leaving an encouraging comment, passing on information to readers that would be helpful, giving advice to a desperate girl trying to find a dress....She's fantastic and adorable, and I can't wait for her next Already Prettypoll so I can be discover just how much I rock, and also, how great she is at reminding me!

Happy holidays, Sal!! You're a treasure!

*****

And happy holidays to everyone else who is enjoys The Spin Cycle every week! Thanks for this fabulous idea, Jen!

i'm not bitter, but i've seen better days

2009-12-23T16:09:00.002-05:00

Oh, Christmas.

A time of magic. A time of peace. A time of cheer.

A time to be with the people you love.

This year I have none of those things, and if I seem bitter, maybe that's why.

This whole year has been one thing after another.

I start to think I've dug myself out of a hole, when in reality, I've just been digging the same one deeper.

Lately I've been withdrawing from the world and trying to re-evaluate my life. I need to see what's wrong, what's right, and what I can cut out.

I'm not sure if I've discovered any answers yet.

I know I can't take another year like this. I can't let myself make the same mistakes again, I can't let myself fall for the same tired lines again.

To be honest, if I really look at my life, if I really take the time to make an inventory of the good and the bad, there is far more wonderful than worrisome. I know this. I'm self-aware enough to realize that this mood I've been in the last couple months will pass, and I'll be better for it. I know I'm being foolish and I know I'm letting my emotions get the best of me. And I know in a few months this awful, terrible time will be over and I'll wonder why it drove me this far down.

I know all that.

So why does breathing in and out seem like the hardest thing to do? Why can't I drag myself out of bed in the morning? Why do I find myself breaking down over the smallest little thing?

More importantly, when will it stop?

It just needs a little love...(Holiday Homes Tour '09)

2009-12-19T09:00:00.010-05:00

Jen on the Edge is hosting the 2009 Holiday Homes Tour ~~today~~ yesterday (yes, it is quite possible that I no longer have any idea what time or day it is.)

Here is my little piece of holiday spirit...

Yes, that is my desk at work. Yes, that is the only Christmas decoration I'll have up this year. Yes, I do essentially consider my job home. Last week I called my cubicle 'home' without realizing it. I spend more time there than anywhere else.

Dear Santa (A Perennial Fuck-up's Christmas Wish)

2009-12-07T17:46:00.003-05:00

Dear Santa -

I'm supposed to tell you what I want for Christmas this year.

This might be a bit unconventional, but I'll just run with it, and you let me know if you can help out.

You see, Santa, I've made some choices recently that I'm not proud of. And true, I used to be of the mindset, good or bad, they're still my choices, but lately? Lately I'm not so sure. Lately I've been having regrets. A LOT of regrets.

You know what I'm talking about, right? All of them? I don't really need to go into detail, do I?

Do I need to relive all the things I've done to disappoint people? All the ways I've hurt people? All the ways I've hurt and disappointed myself? Do I need to dig up long-buried memories and clouded glimpses of nights I barely remember myself? Do I need to look back at all the mistakes I've made? Because I can, if that'll put me back in your good graces. If I need to admit what I've done wrong, I'll do it. I'll do anything if I can just get those years back.

I'm not saying that I wouldn't miss what I've found along the way...and I'm not saying that every speed bump has sent me off-course. I've found a lot of good and learned a lot about myself and who I want to be the last several years. I'm just scared, Santa...because the girl I am is nowhere close to the woman I'd like to be. And I don't know if I'll ever get there. I've screwed up too much, I've gotten too far down the wrong path to make it back to good again.

I know you're probably thinking that running away from problems doesn't solve anything...and you're right, I can't argue with that. But I think even you'll admit that I haven't exactly been getting the easiest cards dealt to me lately. And I think you know that a lot of what I did was completely out of character. I'm not claiming temporary insanity here, but you know as well as I do that a lot of this just isn't me.

So here's my idea: Let me take it all back.

I'd really like a do-over on the last few years.

That's right. If I could go to sleep on Christmas Eve, and wake up on...oh, say New Year's Day, 2004, that would be fantastic. I think that's about the time my life started to really go off the rails. If I could just wake up that morning, and get a fresh start, I know I could get it together.

I could avoid some of those heartaches. And salvage some of those friendships. I could finish what I started instead of giving up when things got rough. I could make a choice and stick to it. I could be smarter, and stronger, and better. I could turn into the person I want to be. I could be someone that other people could count on. Someone with heart, and compassion, and motivation, instead of this cynical girl I barely recognize. I could do everything differently, and be happier now, and a better person.

Is that too much to ask, Santa? Is this possible? Could you do this for me? Because it's been too many months of just barely holding it together, and I don't know if I can take another year of this.

I'm pretty sure I've been on your 'naughty' list for a while now, but if you could do me this one favor, I promise, I'll be good. I'll make the smart decisions and avoid the bad ones. I swear, Santa, I really will. Just let me forget the last several years ever happened, and go back to being twenty-one, and naive, and optimistic, and ready to take on the world.

I know I can get it right this time.

Introducing the lovely, the talented, the amazing....MELISSAAAAAAA!

2009-12-01T09:29:00.004-05:00

My favorite thing about the Great Interview Experiment?
Getting to discover a blogger that I otherwise would probably never read. Melissa, aka Lollipop Goldstein, aka Town Criers, is one such blogger, and I am happy that I got her, as she is pretty darn awesome....but don't trust me - read it for yourself!

(You can visit yet another fantastic blog and blogger, Velvet Verbosity to read her interview with me and check out her 100-word writing prompt challenge! I am excited to start participating in that!)

How did I not know about ‘Show and Tell’?! This is a fantastic idea – how did you come up with it? What is your favorite thing you’ve shared? And what is the most interesting thing someone has posted?

I really missed that excitement from grade school that came before Show and Tell day at school, when you combed your house for stuff to bring in so you could tell a story. My favourite share was a picture I found of my daughter in the NICU (link) when I was working on their scrapbooks (which are still unfinished!). Probably the most moving one that anyone posted (and I'm sure if I sat reading through the archives I'd add 20 more), but this post (link) from The Road Less Travelled. I cried reading it.

Even the most open people have some secrets - Is there anything you absolutely would not share on your blog?

I have some pretty strict boundaries for myself--my story ends where another person begins unless I have (1) their permission to tell the story or (2) there is no chance they would recognize themselves in the story or be able to be identified.

You talk about traveling and trips you’ve taken – where was your favorite place, and why? Have any interesting or crazy stories about people you’ve met along the way? (By the way, I REALLY wish you had asked the random American woman how she lost all her underwear...I’m sure that would make a good story!)

It could have made a good story, but we had so much fun with her regardless and there are many additional stories of the two or three nights we hung out with her. My two favourite place that I've visited since starting the blog (since I've been to too many countries to rank them) are Smith Island and Shepherdstown, WV. My husband calls me the freak magnet because somehow, he can go for weeks never having a strange encounter on his way to and from work, and then the one day that I go down to his office, we meet up with all of these wonderfully crazy people. So we do meet a lot of interesting people along the way but our favourite was a boy we met in a hostel in Canada. We ended up taking him out for breakfast and interviewing him with a tape recorder. I'm not sure where the tape is and how much of his story was bullshit, but one day I'll have to tell the story of the Canadian hitchhiker.

Your post ‘Funeral Song’ had me in tears (at work, no less), and ‘My Grandmother’ had me in stitches – your grandma sounds like she was incredible (and not that different from my gramma who I lost almost 5 years ago now). What about her do you see in yourself? And did she have any traits that you wish you had more of?

Her large bum--all of us inherited it except one sister-cousin, lucky thing. I am probably most like her in that I care a lot about the people around me (and my husband just called across the room that I'm most like her in that I'm not afraid to tell him that he's stupid). I wish I had inherited her brashness. She said whatever was in her mind, and sometimes, it was exactly what the person needed to hear.

What has been the most rewarding part of blogging about your experiences in the ALI community? What is the most challenging thing about it?

I have to admit that I feel badly for people who are not in our corner of the blogosphere because there is an enormous love here. There is fighting too, and hurt feelings and lashing out at one another from time to time, but that is tempered with this enormous love. I have seen people come together to help a person build their family numerous times, whether it was donating money, gametes, or a womb. How many people can say that through blogging, they have added life to this world? The challenging thing is finding the stopping point. It is too easy to read more blogs, write more comments, and leave other stuff undone. And it's hard to set that limit when you receive so much love back for the good thoughts you give.

RTT: Love and loss on a windy Tuesday

2009-11-17T13:57:00.004-05:00

I'm not quite sure what's going to make its way from my brain to my fingertips right now...my mind's been spinning quite a lot lately...

*It's amazing how one short conversation or exchange can push someone to the front of your mind.

*Thanksgiving is next week. Where did this year go?

*Someone I know just lost his grandfather, whom he was extremely close to - he called him the most influential person in his life. My heart goes out to him right now...

*...especially since it takes me back to when I lost my Gramma K. It'll be 5 years on December 9th, and I still think about her daily, and wonder if she's out there, somewhere, proud of the woman I'm becoming. I hope so. She was the best woman I've known, and if I become half the person she was, I'll be happy.

*My next tattoo (which my fabulous and talented sister will also be getting) will be a tribute to both our Polish heritage, and our grandmother. I'm hoping to get the design done and approved in the next few weeks, although disposable income is in short supply at the moment, so it'll likely be a while before we actually get these.

*I'm suddenly starting to get back to glass half-full, and it feels amazing.

*Last night I posted one of my favorite quotes on Facebook - "Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life, and love shouldn't be one of them." (Dream for an Insomniac)

*I need to keep that in mind. And remember that I'm not willing to settle or compromise.

*With my re-found optimism comes my unfailing faith in true love and happy endings. I'm just older and wiser now, and realize that neither of those things looks the way you expected it to at sixteen.

*Is it too early to put up my Charlie Brown Christmas tree at work?

*I keep changing my answers for The Great Interview Experiment. Someday the very lovely Velvet Verbosity will get my answers back. And in the next day or two, the also very lovely Mel will have questions to answer.

*By the way, if you haven't gotten in on the GIE action, you really should. Follow that link up there and visit the great Neilochka

*If you're a fan of fine (and not-so-fine) art, I suggest you check this out

*That's a lot of links.

Spin Cycle Free Spin: If I knew then what I know now....(a letter to me, age 17)

2009-11-13T09:04:00.004-05:00

Dear Andrea -

Hey you. It's your future self here.

I don't mean to spoil any surprises for you, but seriously, it's for the best. Maybe I can save you some heartache along the way. Maybe I can make a difference in both of our lives, if we're really alive at the same time in some strange parallel universe. Maybe I can change the story.

First order of business? Next year at college you're going to meet someone. You're going to fall incredibly hard for him. He is going to be crazy about you, and sweet, and sort of nerdy. He's going to have strong arms and perfect eyes and the way he kisses you will make you lightheaded and you'll think your legs are about to give out. You know how the movies talk about *fireworks*? They didn't lie. Anyway, I know you've decided you are going to save yourself for your future husband. DON'T. You aren't getting married in the next ten years anyway, and looking back, you'll realize that you should've just slept with him and at least had your first time mean something, instead of waking up after a night of heavy drinking on an air mattress after losing it to some guy you just met. (FYI - This might still happen. In that case, there IS a house alarm, and sneaking off at 6.30am? Won't work.)

Back to the first guy. He's going to break your heart. Repeatedly. Over and over and over again. At least six or seven times. The first time was understandable. And everyone deserves a second chance. But really? After that? It's okay to give up. He really wasn't the ONE. You'll finally figure that out at 26 when you see him for the first time in four years and wonder why you were so into him, and why you wasted so many years doing the back-and-forth you two were so good at. Don't be afraid to let him break your heart, but don't make the same mistake I did, and let him break YOU.

Alright, let's move on...

I know right now you're getting excited for your first year of college. You've got a plan, you've got goals, and that's great. Keep your focus! Don't screw around like I did, unless you want to be 27 and still working on your degree. Yes, I messed up. A lot. But the life lesson here? You can ALWAYS redeem yourself. I'm working on it now, but you? You still have a chance to get it right the first time. Take advantage of it.

Next thing. I know you think you're a hideous cow. Really? In a few years you are going to look back at your senior pictures and pray for that body back. I know, you think I'm crazy, but it's the truth. Of course, by the time you hit my age, you'll have settled in where you are and you'll be fairly confident no matter what (which, by the way, will serve you well where men are concerned), but for a while there, you will absolutely HATE the way you look. More than you can even imagine right now. So don't stress out, and enjoy being young and healthy and cute while you can. Own who you are. Your little imperfections make you unique.

Start saving money now. I don't mean what Dad makes you put in your IRA, I mean seriously put away some cash. You're always going to need it, and Mom and Dad won't always be able to help you out. You'll be much better off than I am if you can manage that.

Go visit the grandparents. As much as possible. I know they seem immortal now, but they don't have much time left, and after they're gone, you're going to wish you had listened harder and told them you loved them more. When Grandma K dies, you are going to be an absolute wreck. Let it happen. It'll pass, I promise. You're going to have amazing friends to pull you through.

Don't let it get you down when family members, friends, and complete strangers feel pity for you if you're still single at 20, 25, 30, 45...what's right for someone else may not be right for you. Enjoy being single, enjoy being independent, and do anything you could possibly want to do. If you want to move across the country (and you'll want to, trust me!), do it! This is the time in your life to not be tied down to anything.

You're going to make some mistakes when it comes to men. Everyone does. But don't ever let yourself lose who you are because of a man. And don't ever let a man (or anyone else, for that matter) make you feel like less than what you are. Some mornings you might look in the mirror and not recognize who you've become. You will, just look closer. She's there. That innocent, naive girl who still somehow believes in true love and soulmates and happy endings? She's there. She's just smarter, and less willing to give her heart away until someone has earned it.

You can't change other people, just yourself. And you shouldn't try to change yourself for someone else. If they can't love you the way you are, then you shouldn't waste your time.

Mom and Dad will love you even if you don't do everything the way they think you should. Don't be afraid to disappoint them because while they may give you shit, they'll stand by you when no one else will or can. I know right now you think they're ruining your life half the time, but they really are great parents, and you're a lot luckier than most.

Tell the people you care about that you love them. Every time you can. You never know when they'll be gone. You're going to lose a lot of people in the next decade, some who you never would have expected. You are going to drive around at night crying, wondering why someone was taken from you so soon. You're going to scream and throw things and spend days in bed because you don't want to live in a world where bad things happen. But then you'll start to realize that he wouldn't have wanted you to waste your days like that, and you'll start to move on, and start to feel better. And you'll start to live.

No matter how well you plan out the next ten years of your life, it will change. You can't avoid that. Don't let yourself get set on certain things you *have* to accomplish. If you do, and those things don't pan out, you could spend the next ten years trying to scrape together the rest of your life. Go with the flow, and take time to enjoy the setbacks and detours, because those can be the most beautiful parts of life.

Maybe this won't make a bit of difference. Maybe my life now is how it was meant to be. Maybe no matter what you do in the next ten years, we'll be right here, at this same place, writing this same letter.

I don't want to discourage you. I just want us to have a chance at something different. Something better.

But if this doesn't work? If this is what life is? Well, you can look forward to being strong. Stronger than you thought you could be. You'll be independent, and fearless. You'll have learned from (most of) the mistakes in your past, and have grown up and be smarter for it. You'll have a drive to succeed and a never-say-die attitude. You'll have the best friends and family in the world, and you'll be happy. Sure, you have your issues, but overall? You know who you are and you're loving it. And that's the big life lesson here, teenage Andrea: Your life will be as good as your attitude allows. Enjoy it.

Love,
Future Andrea

(By the way, your boobs finally grew. And didn't stop. And now it hurts to run. And walk down stairs. So, thanks for wishing for those every day since you were twelve. Bitch.)

RTT: Aren't all my thoughts random?

2009-11-03T10:57:00.005-05:00

So, as I have no time anymore to actually post, I figured I would jump on the RTT bandwagon. This could get scary...

*Work fulltime + school fulltime? Maybe not my best idea ever. At least I'm getting SMRT.

*If you ever have to go somewhere and be respectable and serious, it is either the worst idea ever or the best to take someone who you know will make you laugh with her snarky comments.

*Pajama pants at a courthouse? Maybe not the best way to appear as if you are taking your situation seriously.

*I am very sick of making charts. I still love my job, but I'm getting burned out. This may be partly due to random thought #1.

*I met someone.

*I am very sad that I have another full week before there's a new episode of Glee. This long without seeing/hearing my boyfriends? So sad. At least I have most of the songs downloaded so I can get my fix in.

*If I win the lottery tonight, it will be bittersweet. Don't get me wrong, I'll appreciate it greatly, but because of my current situation I wouldn't be able to do all the fun things I'd want to. If it does happen, however, you can rest assured that at some point, the insanity would ensue.

*I need to get the heat fixed in my car. That would probably be the first thing I'd do if I won the lottery. Isn't that just kind of sad?

*I don't know if y'all have heard about this, but you should surely check out The Zombie News Network. It'll slay you. But not before eating your brains.

*I figured out my class schedule for next semester. Nothing on main campus!! As long as I can get what I want, I'll have three online classes, and one at a satellite campus MUCH closer to work/home. SCORE!

*The someone I met is older than me. How much older, I'm not really sure. Probably about 10 years. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

*Dressing up as a cavewoman for Halloween is fun, if for no other reason than getting to beat people with a plastic club.

*I am completely uninterested in the holidays this year. If I could skip the rest of the year, actually, that'd be kind of wonderful.

*The biggest issue with dating a guy that much older than me? We're in different places. At 27 I'm not ready for anything serious (as evidenced by the fact that he's not the only man I've been seeing as of late).

*Ray Lamontagne has been singing me to sleep a lot lately. He's keeping me from losing my mind.

*I think the clock on my desk is losing time.

*My focus has been gone lately. I need my brain to come back to me.

*I have realized in the last few weeks just how many amazing people I have in my life.

*Most often I don't feel like I deserve them.

*I have blog comments I've been meaning to respond to but I just haven't had the heart for it. It's been easier to just shut myself off lately.

*I don't want to hurt him. And I have a feeling I'm going to. So is it better to just cut things off now, before we're any more involved? He's a great guy and we get along so well, and the chemistry is ridiculous. And if I was a few years older, it might be it. But should I really try to fit myself into a relationship that isn't what I want or need?

*If I could get a do-over on the last month of my life, I think that would solve 90% of the issues on my mind right now.

*If you have the power to reverse time, please contact me ASAP.

i barely have the breath to breathe, much less to fly away

2009-10-15T14:20:00.002-04:00

Have you ever woken up one morning and wondered where the hell you were?

I’m not talking about that sinking feeling in your stomach you get after a one-night stand,
where you literally have no idea where you are, although that is part of this--I’m talking
about that sinking feeling in your soul when you suddenly realize you have no idea how your
life got to this point.

More and more I've been feeling like I'm just going through the motions - wake up, get
ready, go to work, go to class, come home, go to bed, and do it all over again the next day,
and the day after that, and the day after that. It's as if I'm mechanically working towards
the arbitrary goals I've set for myself, with no real idea as to why this is what I'm doing. I can see the endpoint, but I have no idea if that's actually what I want.

My life is a million miles away from where it was a year ago. It's not entirely a bad thing, but a lot of who I am got lost somewhere along the way. I've been searching and searching for something to fill the gaps in my life, and I'm beginning to realize that it's going to take more than another bar and another boy to make the difference.

All I want is for the world to stop spinning, just for a minute, just long enough for me to catch my breath and recenter myself. I need a chance to look around and figure out who this girl is--and if she's really that different from who she was.

I find myself shutting people out more than I ever have before. Some of my closest friendships are barely hanging on, and it's my fault. It's as if I'm afraid they're going to see who I've turned into, and realize that I'm not who they remember. Hell, I'm not who I remember. What happened to the girl ready to take life by storm? The eternal optimist? The dreamer who romantacized everything? Is she still there, somewhere, trying to work her way out of the cynical realist I've become?

Some of the changes, a few of the changes--they've been needed. I'm less fragile than I was. Less likely to fall for someone too hard or too fast. Less willing to trust someone who turns out to be careless. More driven. Less of a pushover. More of a fighter. But I'm also more bitter. More careless with other people. Less naive, FAR more jaded. I find myself seeking out relationships where I don't have to give too much of myself, because the less I give, the less it'll hurt. I alienate the people who love me and who have stood by me for years, because I don't want anyone who knows me too well to see how much I've started to hate what I've become.

Maybe I'm not getting hurt as easily...But isn't part of the beauty of life, and love, the ability to let yourself get broken? Isn't getting up and dusting yourself off, ready to try again part of the most basic human experience? Doesn't feeling a hundred kinds of pain make the healing a thousand kinds of wonderful? Aren't we supposed to turn to the ones who care about us when we're at our lowest?

I might not be at my lowest, but I don't think I'm that far from it. I hide it well most of the time, but it's almost to the point where I don't know if I can make it through another hour without standing up and screaming. I feel lost, and I feel alone. I know I'm strong enough to pull myself out of this, as I always have before, and I know tomorrow things will look different, in a different kind of light. But right now, today? I'm looking in the mirror and wondering who the hell is looking back at me, where the hell she came from, and how in the hell I'll ever be able to merge the me that was and the me that is into the me I wish I could be.

i have no desire to see through my own eyes anymore....

2009-09-17T13:24:00.003-04:00

le sigh.

there's so much going through my head these days...i'm just trying to decide if i want to share it with the world or not.

i miss recognizing the face in the mirror.....

The best I can give you is the worst part of me....

2009-08-11T14:27:00.005-04:00

I can take care of myself. I can. I'm fiercely independent, and have no problem being alone. But recently, as I see more and more friends getting engaged, getting married, getting pregnant...growing up...it reminds me that however successful I am professionally, my personal life has never been anything but a mess. Normally I don't mind...I know my life will work out how it's supposed to, and I've never been one to mind being single (and fabulous!) but the sudden influx of happy news from every other person I know has started to wear on me. I AM genuinely happy for all the people I care about, but it just reminds me of my failures. And my failures? Not something I want the world to see. In this post, it's just me, being honest, and putting my heart out there for everyone to explore. And losing my usual cover of strength and independence? Scary.

And that...that is why this post from last autumn is my worst post. Because re-reading it now, I can feel exactly how I felt then...and I realize that with all the hopeful promise of every new man I've met since then, or budding relationships, or imagined spark that flew, nothing has changed since then.

i made a promise to my heart to never let a soul inside.... (10/12/08)

the thing about me is that i'm not a forward person. i find it very difficult to just come out and say things face-to-face. i need a computer screen or a cell phone or a piece of paper to get anything out in a semi-eloquent way.

this factor of my personality is generally what leads to heartache for me. i've grown accustomed to coming in second place. i live life well as a runner-up on so many things, and the last couple years have really shown that to me.

in my head i know that i should just take the bull by the horns, jump in head first, etc. but the rest of me is terrified of the result. i fear making things awkward, and getting hurt more in the process. but is it easier to stand idly by and watch what i want slip through my fingers, or actually take the leap, get shot down, but at least know?

the awful part of me - the wildly insecure and still slightly timid part of me - expected something like this to happen. i've never known anything close to a happy ending before, so why would i think that all of a sudden life and love would just fall perfectly into place? it's a road i've been down many, many times, and maybe part of the problem is that i never fully invest myself in something, because a giant piece of me remains convinced it'll end badly.

i've been an optimist for years. glass half-full, see the rainbow through the rain, sunshine is only a cloudy day away.....but somehow, the positive outlook never gets around to my love life. in that area, i am a cynical, realistic pessimist. with the soul of a romantic. no wonder i always am disappointed so badly.

it's getting late and i'm getting no comfort out of words tonight, which is a change from the norm. i'm going to finish my glass of wine and go to bed, and hope that when i wake up tomorrow i'll have magically gained some perspective.

but i'm not counting on it.

The Best of Me....(Spin Cycle, part 2)

2009-07-31T13:34:00.003-04:00

This second part of this week's Spin was again, pretty easy to come up with, especially since RA has been affecting me a lot the last couple of weeks. I've been having some pretty awful flares, and besides making me tired and cranky, I'm overemotional from lack of sleep and frustration. This is something I almost want to have printed out and ready to hand to people so they can understand what I'm dealing with daily, and in some cases, cut me a little slack.

Crawling in the dark...(Life with RA) (11/12/08)

I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis in 2005, when I was 22. I had gone into my primary physician complaining of lethargy and body aches, figuring I had some kind of virus, and after a course of antibiotics I’d be back to my old self. My doctor did some blood work, and found that my sedimentation rate was high, which suggested inflammation. She referred me to a rheumatologist, concerned that my symptoms could be a sign of either Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) or Lupus, and I set up an appointment for a few weeks later.
My initial appointment was spent answering A LOT of questions about when I had the most pain, what different conditions, when I felt most tired, where the pain was worst, and on and on. I also got a lot of blood work done, and had x-rays taken of my chest, wrists, fingers, and knees. By the end of the appointment, my doctor thought that I showed symptoms of RA, and started me on 200mg daily of Celebrex, a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug (NSAID). I scheduled a follow-up for a month later, a few days after my 23rd birthday.
In the three years since then, I have been to the doctor more times than I care to count. I have had more blood drawn than seems humanly possible, and spent far too much money on medication and Icy-Hot. Not quite what I imagined my life would be like at 26.
I have been lucky.
My RA doesn’t seem to be progressing all that rapidly. I have been able to stay with Celebrex, and last year added Plaquenil to my daily oral dosings. Plaquenil is a disease-modifying antirheumatic drug (DMARD) that has been shown to prevent swelling and pain in arthritis sufferers, although, from my research, it’s not known quite how it works. With these two drugs, I have been extremely happy to discover I don’t have any major side effects.
However, in the last year, I was forced to switch from Celebrex to Aleve when my insurance no longer covered Celebrex. Painwise, the Aleve was successful. Unfortunately, taking it at the dosage I required caused me to have stomach pain, and after an endoscopy in August, I discovered that I have pre-ulcers. Now I am on a Tylenol regimen that isn’t nearly as effective, until my preauthorization to get Celebrex covered again comes through.
Occasionally I will go on a course of Prednisone, a steroid that reduces inflammation. This drug affects me in many ways, and I prefer to stay away from it. I become a different person when I am using it, prone to sudden mood swings, going from lethargic and mellow to bouncing off the walls. It also can cause weight gain, and sure enough, every time I use prednisone, I suddenly seem to have an extra 5-10 pounds or more that appears as if by magic, no matter what I do to prevent that. That in itself is an oxymoron, as I know that if I lose weight, my RA symptoms will ease, but every time I get into that groove, I end up on steroids again and balloon back up.
Even though my RA isn’t always that bad, there are times I have flare ups that make the simplest task seem impossible. There have been days where I’ve had to literally roll myself out of bed, and crawl to the shower, because I know hot water is the only thing that will help with my morning stiffness. Those mornings I thank God and my roommate that I got the room with the attached bathroom. Sometimes when my wrists and fingers are acting up, I find myself fighting tears at work because not only can I not type, and do my job, I can’t even focus enough to try. I’ve had many restless nights, unable to sleep because of pain in my hips, or knees, or shoulders, or ankles. And there have been too many times where I wanted to do something, but after having to drag myself around all day, I’m simply too exhausted to do more than collapse on the couch and stare into space.
Cold weather is difficult as well – it makes the swelling of my fingers worse, and they actually turn purple. This is something called Raynaud's, and it is common in patients with RA. It’s not unusual to see me wearing gloves a lot once the weather turns cooler, in an attempt to keep my joints warm enough to function. Flying is especially bad – something about the cabin pressure and the cooler temperature – and I’ve been known to don gloves on flights in the middle of summer.
Living with RA is difficult, and not necessarily because of the symptoms of the disease. Rheumatoid arthritis is not an illness with visibility. You can’t see someone suffering from RA and know what they’re living with. People who don’t know my situation probably think I’m lazy on my bad days, when I take the elevator up one floor at work, or when I mention that I’m going right home from work and sleeping. It’s not an image I want coworkers to have of me, but the sad truth is, RA has affected my life more than I thought possible when I was diagnosed.
There is no rheumatoid arthritis in my family that I know of. RA isn’t necessarily a genetic disease, although it can be passed down. Doctors don’t know why some people get RA and some don’t. RA doesn’t only hit senior citizens. There is no age restriction for arthritis. However, from what I’ve found in research, my age at diagnosis was slightly more unusual, as most people develop RA between the ages of 25 and 50. Women are affected by RA three times more often than men.
Being a 26 year old woman with rheumatoid arthritis is an experience, and since diagnosis, a new set of fears. I face day to day challenges on some of the most routine tasks that I’ve been doing for years. Tying my shoes, walking up stairs, brushing my hair...all things I’ve done without issue since I was a child, but now have problems with. And new fears? I’m scared that the things that I’ve always counted on in my life will never happen. I’m afraid that by the time I’m ready to have children, my disease will have progressed to the point where I won’t be able to, or I won’t have the energy to play with them if I am able to have them. I’m scared that I will lose my independence at a much younger age that I ever could have guessed, and my freedom is something I value more than most things.
I do try to be more active to help keep me mobile and energized. I bounce back and forth on Weight Watchers – again, it’s hard to stay motivated when a part of me knows that the next time I’m back on certain medications, I’ll just fail again. But I press on – trying to change my lifestyle to keep myself from requiring hip replacement surgery in my thirties.
I have to say that not everything has been bad since being diagnosed. I’ve really learned how many people care about me in the last few years. My family has pulled around me, and my friends have been a huge support. I’ve surrounded myself with amazing people, and it’s paying off. There are days when I don’t want to go to work, don’t want to leave my apartment, don’t even want to get out of bed, but I know I have people I can reach for, or call, and they’ll put some motivation back into me.
I’ve also learned how strong I am. How I can work through pain and fear and confusion and get things done. How I can inspire others, and inspire myself.
I have been lucky. On so many levels.
However, I know luck changes. But I also know that if and when it does, I have the strength of my family, and my friends to get me through it. More than that, I know that I have the strength within myself to push through whatever this life throws at me.

This December I will be participating in the Arthritis Foundation's Annual Jingle Bell 5K. December 7th marks my 4th year walking, and I am eager to once again face the challenge - 3.2 miles that start with a fairly intimidating hill, usually tromping through ice and snow. I've done it 3 times before, and I can do it again.

I'm asking for support doing this - my hope is that even if there is no cure found in time to help me, maybe research will develop new treatments with less side effects, or even a cure by the time my future children may have to deal with this.
If you have the ability, please sponsor me in the Jingle Bell Walk. I truly appreciate every donation, no matter the size. If you can't donate, please keep me in your thoughts on December 7th!

Thank you all for the support and encouragement!

To donate: My Fundraising Page

November 2005 Article about me in Oakland Press

The Best of Me....(Spin Cycle, part 1)

2009-07-31T13:19:00.002-04:00

This week's Spin Cycle assignment is an easy one - find your favorite post in your archives, and add an intro. Since I've had no time lately in which to actually blog (I swear, I really am going to get caught up. Someday. 2012, perhaps?) this seemed ideal. I have two that'll I'll be using.

My first favorite post was easy to come up with - this is the post that has been passed around coworkers, blogger friends, random acquaintances. It was featured on Good Mom/Bad Mom one Sunday (still the pride of my blogging-life) and I still laugh/cringe every time I read.

Enjoy.

'No, those are NOT my Magnum condoms' (or, why I will never use U-Scan again) (8/26/08)

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the girl to get easily embarrassed.
Fall off a table while dancing? Check. (and I was sober!)
Puke on a fire hydrant while hungover? Check. (no, I'm not proud)
Accidentally tell an [ex]co-worker about the sex dream they played a large role in? Double check. (alcohol was possibly involved)
Fart in mixed company? Many, many, many checks.
Sing inappropriate songs of the 90s in front of coworkers? Too many times to count. (and sadly, no, alcohol was not ALWAYS involved)

So yes, been there. Done that. Laughed about it afterwards. Sometimes for years, because some of those stories just won't die....

But until tonight, I have never know true mortification.

It starts out simply, and innocently, enough. I stopped at Meijer on the way home to pick up some fruit, a few Lean Cuisines, diet soda, some hair smoothing crap.

Looking at the two lanes that were actually open, and twelve people deep each, I decided to just skip to the U-Scan. This isn't unusual, as unless I am doing one of my semi-annual large shopping trips, I usually opt for the 'quicker' route.

Today though...oh no. Not today.

I waited patiently in line, and when the man in front of me had grabbed his bags and left, I moseyed on up to the scanner, and proceeded to scan my eleven or so items, bagging them as I went. I was impressed with myself because at this point, my trip had only taken me 15 minutes, and $30, and this is very unusual for me. Anywhere.

After I signed the little card reader that would make John Hancock's signature look like it was scrawled by a monkey with no thumb, I loaded my few bags into my tiny cart (yes, I know, I had four bags, but anytime I don't use one, I inevitably rip at least two bags, and end up losing a jar of pickles or a gallon of milk to the parking lot) and headed for the door.

Nothing spectacular, right?

As soon as I pushed my cart through the exit, the alarm goes off. Naturally, I stopped right in the middle of the door, confused as to what this loud noise was, and why a man in a red shirt was waving at me to come back.

Figuring the only interesting thing they would find would be that I had already scarfed down a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup in the time I waited in line (read: 2 seconds), I turned around, and when man in red shirt asked if I minded waiting for the manager, I assured him that was fine. And when said manager (let's call him Steve - that's a bad name for me, and this was NOT a fun experience) came up to the front, and asked if I minded him looking through my grocery bags, I agreed once again. I handed him my receipt and stood back, assuming it was my MP3 player or cell phone that set off the alarm, as they are wont to do.

So imagine my complete and utter surprise when Steve pulls out a box of Trojan Magnum-XL condoms, and asks if I was planning on paying for them.....

I'm pretty sure my jaw is still recovering from hitting itself on the floor.

Confused, but still trying not to laugh, I told Steve that I hadn't been down that aisle - to be honest, I don't even know which aisle that is. In my nervousness, I am sure I gave that poor man waaaay too much information about my lack of the sex. In turn, I maybe just gave all you readers too much information as well, but that's neither here nor there.

At this point, Steve has turned as red as red shirt guy's red shirt. I'm pretty sure I had totally slipped into nervous laughter and stuttering, as I tried to explain that I definitely did not 'accidentally' throw those in my bag.

Red shirt guy is standing to the side, continuing to help the inept people trying to scan their groceries, and comes up with the brilliant (seriously, he was smarter than Steve - someone needs a raise and promotion) idea of looking at the receipt log, to see if maybe a customer before me had paid for them, bagged them, and accidentally left them.

Turns out, it was the guy before me.

Many many years back, I dated a boy (we were young, back then) who was well over 6 feet tall, and probably 120 pounds soaking wet.

The guy in front of me? Could have been his double. If you subtracted about a foot, leaving him a few inches shorter than myself. Add in a soul patch and a creepy thin mustache, take off about 10 pounds. Douse in Polo Sport (delicious smell, but really guys? Moderation? Is key.)

Manager Steve now feels bad for essentially accusing me of shoplifting enormous condoms. They've been paid for. Creepy little man has probably left the parking lot at this point. So what is the natural course of action?

Obviously, offer the tomato-faced girl who has just bemoaned her lack of a man-friend a free pack of Magnum-XLs. That'll make her feel SO much better. And definitely less humiliated.

I politely declined, but it seemed like Steve was insisting. For one crazy moment, I figured I could just hand them off to a friend that might find them useful.

Then I realized -- I can easily live the rest of my life without knowing which of my friends (or their lovahs) require extra-large condoms. I'm pretty sure it would always be creeping up in the back of my mind - 'Hi Jane, this is my friend John Doe. He needs MAGNUM-XLs! Lucky you!! Woot woot!'

No thanks. That's just information I should never encounter.

Luckily, or perhaps unluckily, before I could once again refuse, Creepy Little Guy from before ran in, sweating, and blew right past Steve and I, checked the empty scanner/bagging area that we had previously shared, and then turned to Red Shirt: 'Um, I think...I mean, I know...I left a bag...I bought some things...and forgot them. And I really need...my things. Did someone find them?'

Red Shirt pointed him in our direction, and Steve quietly said to me 'Sorry for the hassle...have a nice night' as he swiftly grabbed the box out of my bag, ran it over the sensor deactivator, put it in an empty bag, and handed it over to CLG.

At this point, I was already hightailing it out of the store so I wouldn't start laughing so hysterically that I peed myself, but had to step aside as CLG ran past me yet again, then proceeded to stop, turn, and say 'Hate to run outta these!' followed by a wink.

I got in my car and laughed for a good ten minutes before I felt sane enough to drive home.

So, summary?

Groceries - $30
Time shopping/in line - 16 minutes
Time spent with a rogue box of condoms - 20 minutes
Leaving your dignity somewhere between the 1 penny pony rides, and bags of charcoal - Priceless

catching up.....

2009-07-20T10:08:00.003-04:00

What? It's been a month?

Hoooooly crap do I have a lot to share.

Tonight, when I get home from work, I will be catching up on a month of blog posts from all you other lovelies (or at least the last week or so...otherwise my head might explode) and then sharing my last moon cycle's worth of stories.....after all, gotta know what's going on before this weekend!

see you in chicago....

2009-06-15T09:55:00.002-04:00

It's official! Middle-Aged Woman and I are officially heading out to Chicago BlogHer weekend!

So, you know, if you'll be around, speak up!

and i just can't pour my heart out to another living thing.....

2009-06-08T19:23:00.002-04:00

I have a new goal for myself -- try to allow myself to depend on other people more.
I'm really bad at that.

Also, grow some balls and take a chance on something.....I'm really good at getting close to expressing what I want, and then backing off at the last second. Which is, you know....fairly useless.

Goal number three - not be afraid to show emotion beyond crying at a movie/TV show/wedding/etc. Stop trying to smile all the time. Sometimes I just need to fall apart, at least a little bit. Why do I think that no one wants to be around for that? My friends are the best people in the world. They can handle my ridiculousness.

Finally, last goal - finish a freaking blog post once in a while. I keep starting them, saving them, and forgetting about them.

Don't worry, there was nothing interesting.

good news! and, tagged!

2009-05-18T19:43:00.005-04:00

Good news first! I applied for a scholarship from my school and found out last Friday that I got it! Yay!

And the lovely MAW tagged me for this....I actually started it this morning, but kept having to go lie down cause I was tired or dizzy....it's probably the pig flu.

What are your current obsessions?

watching the trailer for Glee over and over, cause it looks amazing. Also, reading old American Idol recaps on TWOP which really soothes me for some reason. Don't know why. I'm a weirdo.

Which item from your wardrobe do you wear the most often?

Either my EMU sweatpants or one of my EMU sweatshirts. Pretty much, anything comfy, really.

What’s for dinner?

If I manage to motivate myself, chicken noodle soup and Sprite. But I have to go to store if I want that, so not likely to happen.

What is your greatest fear at the moment?

At this precise moment, I am fearless. Being a little delirious from fever and exhaustion probably helps....

What are you listening to?

The Glee trailer. Again.

What are your favorite holiday spots?

Wherever my family is.

What are you reading right now?

Nothing at the moment - I have a few books on hold at the library though, will be picking those up tomorrow

What is your guilty pleasure?

see 'obsessions'

Who or what makes you laugh?

who or what doesn't?

What is your favorite Spring thing to do?

The first night where I can take a long drive with the windows down and the music up. People wonder why I don't fly when I go visit my family in Tennessee....I think because long drives alone are one of the few times I really feel at peace.

Where are you planning to travel next?

Hoping to go see Becca in San Diego over Labor Day, but not sure if it'll pan out

What is the best thing you ate or drank lately?

Water, just a few minutes ago.

When was the last time you were tipsy?

for about three minutes Saturday night, right before it switched to falling-down, pants-shitting, bad decision-making, table-dancing drunk (for the record, I only did one of those things) It was one of my good friends bachelorette parties :-)

What is your favorite ever film?

Princess Bride, Sabrina, Say Anything, Shawshank Redemption

What is the biggest life lesson you’ve learned from your kids?

That they don't exist?

What book do you know you should read but refuse to?

I can't think of anything....I will pretty much read whatever is put in front of me

What is your physical abnormity/abnormal physical ability?

Abnormally long toes. I posted a picture of them somewhere.

What is your favorite color?

Blues and greens. All of 'em. <--- Same as my Auntie M

Can the people outside your car hear the music playing inside your car?

Probably. It's most fun when I forget I have the windows down and I'm belting out some Xtina and dancing in my car, and a car full of businessmen pulls up next to me and starts laughing....

My addition: In a perfect world, how many hours sleep would you get per night?

10-12. I love sleep.

And I'm not tagging anyone individually, because I am too tired to copy and paste in links, so I tag everyone, all at once. Win.

and this is why i will never settle for anything less than everything....

2009-05-15T16:33:00.003-04:00

My mother, Tenn Lady, posted this today: This One's For You!

Yes, my parents are that couple -- the one that celebrates the anniversary of their first kiss, and their first date, and their engagement. The one that remembers the dates of all the milestones in their relationship better than most couples remember their wedding anniversary. The couple that is adorable in a way that is almost sickening (definitely sickening when you're 15, and already considered a weirdo at school, and you are trapped at Wendy's with your parents who are holding hands and being cute, while certain members of your class look on, already planning the attack on you the next day at school for being (GASP!) the product of a happy home and loving marriage). The couple that if you are a stranger walking behind them at the grocery store, you will undoubtedly notice the way that when they are walking side-by-side, their hands just automatically find each other.

My parents got engaged thirty years ago today....thirty years of a love that is still going strong. Thirty years of sharing a life with someone. Thirty years of raising two daughters (which could NOT have been easy....the two of us are a handful) and helping them grow into good people.

Thirty years that I have been lucky to witness almost twenty-seven of. And those years I've seen....well, they have shown me what real love is. What true love looks like. What making someone else a part of your life means. And to me, that is the best gift I've ever been given.

So, from the example of my adorable parents, I have learned that I will never settle. Whether it takes two years or twenty, I will find that person who makes me whole, who complements me without constraining me, who understands that while I am fiercely independent and wildly over-emotional, I really just want someone who gets me. And if I find a man who can see this, and if we end up becoming anywhere close to the couple my parents are, I will know that I found something real.

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." (Sex and the City)

scenes from a family car ride....

2009-05-08T20:45:00.002-04:00

[summary of the drive home from dinner]
My mom, showing me things in Cookeville, and pointing: And that's the senior center....and that's the senior housing...
Me, horrified: THE CEMETERY?!?!
::hilarity ensues::
Mom: No, the....the houses.
Me: ::laughs like a crazy person::
Mom: Do NOT pee yourself laughing in my car.

All these mistakes I've made....and all the ways I've changed.....

2009-05-01T09:46:00.007-04:00

I've failed out of college.
Twice.

The first time, my freshman year at Western Michigan University. When I started the year, I was 'the good girl.' I had never had a drink in my life before that. I was actively involved at my church back home, and for the first two months, did an admirable job of trying to stick to my previously-untested scruples. But it was college, and I was 18, and I had freedom for the first time in my life, so eventually, I caved in. And went down in a blaze of glory. There was no shot I wouldn't try, no party I wouldn't go to, no drunken frat boy I wouldn't make out with. For a girl who had spent high school as a bit of an outsider, kissing two guys all through my teen years, sudden male attention was too much for me to handle. I ate it up, and spent months getting wasted and throwing myself at whatever boy stood too close. It wasn't til I got to know the guy who would become the most heart-breaking, real, wonderful, tear-inducing, sweet, encouraging, gut-wrenching man in my life (but that is a much different story), that I realized I had just spent six months trying to find what I had with him. I settled down, but by then it was too late. I had spent too long in the cycle of partying, sleeping in, hangovers, skipping class, and basically ignoring what I was supposed to be doing in Kalamazoo to make up for the fact that I messed up. I left the school in April knowing I wouldn't be going back.
When I got back to my hometown, I was embarrassed and ashamed, but mostly, disappointed in myself. Here I was, a girl who graduated with honors, who generally was on the honor roll, never got into trouble, had known she was off to do great things, coming home a failure. I went back to my high school job, and that first summer, saw old friends from high school often, always avoiding the question of how my first year of college went.
I was determined to change my story.
I enrolled in a community college near home. I started in September, excited, and confident that I would thrive here. My semester began strong, and I was sure that I was just going to do this for a year before I moved on to another university, perhaps something other than a general state school. I dreamt of art and design school, of going into advertising, or becoming a photographer, or an interior designer. I knew I was destined for greatness.
But old habits die hard, and soon I was falling back into my old ways. The partying was no longer the issue - it was just laziness, not caring, not knowing what I wanted. After a few semesters, I once again found myself on the receiving end of an academic dismissal letter. This time I was furious. What the hell was wrong with me? I should have been having the time of my life, doing what I loved - meeting new people, and learning as much as I could about...as much as I could. Why were the idiots I knew in high school beating me now?

I took a little time off. I threw myself into working, bouncing from job to job as soon as a better opportunity opened up. I made more friends in the area, and spent every waking moment with them. I had lost who I was, but I was finding myself again, and in a different light. I was no longer the smart girl, the good girl, the sweet girl. The world had kicked me down, I had let it, and I was no longer going to just lie down and take it.

So I tried again...another community college, with an interior design program. When I realized how much I hated that, I switched to photography and finally found my niche. I was good. I had an eye for it, and I found my home in the darkroom. Any time I didn't have a camera around my neck or my hands covered in developer, I was framing shots in my head - eating dinner with my parents, driving to work, sitting at the coffee shop I frequented. I started to believe that this was my calling, and started to make plans - major in business and photography, start my own studio, make a living off shooting weddings and pictures of babies and dogs, and make my life whole by keeping my dad's old Minolta with me at all times, finding beauty in everyday scenes. I was ecstatic that I finally had a purpose, a talent, something that made me feel alive.

But then the pain started....at first it was just an annoyance....my ankles that kept cracking whenever I moved, the "growing pains" that were unexplainable - at 22 I wasn't getting any taller. My shoulders and hips ached, my wrists were on fire, and soon it spread into my fingers. I was popping upwards of twenty Motrin a day, and still barely able to get around. I couldn't sleep because of the pain. In the morning, I couldn't move my joints without agony. The only fix was to crawl to the shower, struggle to reach the faucet, and then huddle on the floor while hot water pounded over me. I started making doctor appointments, and after months of tests and medication, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I took the news as well as could be expected, but after research and more appointments with my specialist, realized that making a living as a photographer wouldn't be likely. The constant activity, the cold, the minute movements required to be successful - as much as I wanted the dream, I didn't want to ruin my body by doing it. I knew it would be a hobby, but nothing more.

And so once again, I threw myself into work. I decided I was done with school, and focused on learning as much as I could hands-on. I went as far as I could at one job, and started another. After the initial few months of panic, of feeling in over my head, I slowly became more confident. People started to depend on me. My opinion was valued. My company was great to work for. I made great friends, and really enjoyed what I was doing. Through it all, I waited for the restlessness - the itch that came after a year and a half or two years to move on. But it never came. I was happy with where I was, and sure that I had a long future ahead of me.

One morning, shortly after I turned 26, I woke up wondering when I'd become so complacent. Sure, I loved my job, but where was it headed? In my department, there's no real room for growth...just a steady source of income, and the same thing, day after day. There were challenges, sure, but nothing I couldn't conquer within a few hours. I was starting to get bored again.

Instead of jumping ship, as had become my way, I suddenly made the decision - I was going back to school. I'd get my business degree, move to research, and then basically take over the world. I decided that on a Tuesday morning, and by Wednesday night, my application to Eastern Michigan University was submitted, and transcript requests to my previous three schools were on their way. My ACT scores had been requested, and I was beginning to compose a letter to the transfer director, making my case - maybe my GPA wasn't pretty to look at, but damnit, I was motivated!

A few weeks later, I was accepted, and a couple months after that, I met with an advisor. I picked my classes for winter semester, filled out my financial aid forms, and prepared to lose most of my social life for a couple of years.

January 5th came, and classes began. I walked in each day ready to learn. I attacked my online classes with gusto, and became a standout student in both. My speech class was a piece of cake (God knows I love to talk) and even my statistics class was going well. I studied hard, worked my ass off, and for three and a half months, lugged around a heavy backpack so I could do homework on my lunch at work, or while watching a movie at a friend's. This time, I knew, I would succeed.

And at the end of my first semester back at school, I have exceeded my expectations. I finished the term with a 3.57 - 3 A's, and a C+ in that pesky stats class (still above my goal of a C). I made the Dean's List, I applied for a scholarship that I became eligible for, and more than that, received two recommendation letters that proved to myself how capable I had become - one from my Business Communications professor, and one from a VP at work that I work with often. I decided to take a break for spring semester, and only one class in the summer, but this fall, I'll be back full time again, with 4 classes.

For the first time in my life, I am eagerly anticipating the second semester at a school. And with all the mistakes I made the first couple of times, the disappointment of the third, and the personal failures, challenges, and triumphs along the way, I know I am ready to take on the world, and this time, instead of getting kicked down, I will kick ass.

i'm all a-twitter...

2009-04-11T11:17:00.002-04:00

follow me on twitter

i have actually started using it. 140 character updates are easier with my schedule these days :-)

springtime!

2009-04-02T10:30:00.003-04:00

new season, new layout. will get tweaked when i'm not....at work. heh.
i'm alive still, by the way. you may have wondered.

only a few weeks left this semester....and then i start spring. and summer. goodness.

anyways, more soon, i promise. for real, this time. (ok, yea, you probably can sense my nose growing as i type this.....)

hope all is well!

if someone could just take over the not fun parts of my life, that would be great....

2009-03-15T00:20:00.003-04:00

then i would have time to do things i enjoy. like blog. and drink wine. and read. and sleep.

but that's not going to happen. i will continue to work 60 hours in a week, and spend 20 hours on school. sleeping is maybe.....i don't know, 35 hours? i don't know what happens to the rest of my time.....maybe i'm in the car. or daydreaming, remembering when i had time for fun.

in any case, just wanted to let you all know that i'm alive, and semi-functional. until another 11 hours of work tomorrow, anyways......oi vey.

look at how adorable i am!

2009-02-23T22:23:00.003-05:00

it's spring break (HA - it's frigid. this is not spring.) which means i have free time. tonight i got my hair cut, and i am ravishing, if i do say so myself!
thoughts?

anyone else even more in love with hugh jackman after the oscars? he's my manfriend.

Oh, Mr. Cartwright....

2009-02-20T22:19:00.003-05:00

By popular demand (or three people...good enough for me...)

I had a dream a few nights ago that I was being chased by the henchman of evil Mr. Cartwright. He was trying to have me killed. A cop was assigned to protect me, and I was put into hiding, but in the end, I learned that the cop and Mr. Cartwright were in cahoots, and the cop was actually the mastermind. I woke up as the cop was about to shoot me.

Yes, I apparently dream in movies.

Last night I had another crazy dream that had to do with aliens (if you've seen the Alec Baldwin Hulu commercial, picture that) were attacking my castle.
Yea, I had a castle. I don't know.

Last Saturday, I was in that spot between awake and asleep, when everything is a little bit blurry and unsure, and I felt someone in my room, watching me....and then I felt someone grab my arm. I literally jumped out of bed at that point, and realized I had [likely] been dreaming. Either that, or there's a ghost in my room.

So yes, many crazy dreams lately....I think it's a combination of being overtired and stress. I am looking forward to next week because it's my spring break, and I only have to work, no class. Of course, I have a speech to write and two papers to start on, but that's not that bad.

In other news, last Friday I had a box of Valentine candy left on my desk at work. I have no idea who it was from, but I just like to think someone appreciates me. I'm happy just knowing that.

Also last Friday, Raeleen and I went out for a girls' night, and met many interesting people. My favorite is still the dashing man I met when he came up to the bar to get a drink. We talked for a minute, and then he had to run off before he could order, so he asked if I would mind ordering for him, and gave me some money. He said I have a very innocent face, so he felt he could trust me with his beer. Obviously, he doesn't know me. Anyways, he was completely sexy and oozed charm and personality. Unfortunately, I wasn't drinking that much, so I didn't have the nerve to talk to him later on that night for more than a few minutes. I need to learn how NOT to feel like an idiot around men I'm attracted to, but I honestly don't see that happening anytime soon.

What else? School is going well, as I mentioned in the last post. I have a lot going on, and I'm completely exhausted all the time....I was also sick for about a month and a half, so that didn't help too much. I'm finally just about over it, but still rundown. Such is life.

I'm sure there'll be more soon...maybe something more entertaining than just tales of my not-so-exciting life.

Hope you all are doing well!

wait...i used to have a life, right?

2009-02-17T20:58:00.002-05:00

I'm alive, people. I know some of you are concerned.

Work+school makes Andrea a dull girl.

I promise - either after I get home from a movie tonight, or tomorrow after class, I will have some entertaining thoughts for you.

Perhaps a story of the corrupt Mr. Cartwright, who was working for an even more corrupt cop, trying to kill me.

Or shall I tell you a tale of a stumble I took on campus today, leading me to somersault into an onlooker or two?

Maybe something about a secret valentine.....

So many stories, so little energy...have I piqued your interest?

Tell me what you want to hear, and I will do my best to comply in a timely fashion!

Miss you, my blogging loves. Will be back soon, and that's a promise.

PS - Not having a life is paying off so far....I have either A- or A in all four of my classes (including the 76 out of 75 I got on my speech test tonight)!

Spin Cycle: Me against the music

2009-01-24T21:12:00.002-05:00

"What came first - the music, or the misery? Did I listen to the music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to music? Do all those records turn you into a melancholy person? People worry about kids playing with guns, and teenagers watching violent videos; we are scared that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands - I mean, literally, thousands - of songs about broken hearts and rejection and pain and misery and lost. The unhappiest people I know, romantically speaking, are the ones who like pop music the most; and I don't know whether pop music has caused this unhappiness, but I do know that they've been listening to the sad songs longer than they've been living the unhappy lives."
(Nick Hornby, High Fidelity)

Actual post coming as soon as I'm done writing it....stay tuned.

clouded thinking....

2009-01-19T22:45:00.002-05:00

I am discovering that it is extremely difficult to concentrate on a Business Ethics assignment when there is a mariachi band playing in my sinuses.

Also, when in the middle of my Business Communication homework, I fell asleep with my head resting on the top edge of my book, and then again when trying to form an intelligent thought about writing a winning a proposal? Should have given up then and gone to bed. Instead, I tried to keep writing once I shook myself awake, and the result was something along the lines of: "To write a good proposal you should propose something that you are good at because if you aren't good at the proposed plan you will not win another proposal."

I deleted that, saved the file, and set it aside until my lunch hour tomorrow. Maybe by then I will be out of my Tylenol Sinus and Zicam induced fog.

thanks, someecards...

2009-01-19T11:42:00.002-05:00

just a few, in recognition of MLK Jr day, and Obama's day of jubilee tomorrow!

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." MLK, Jr

my first spin cycle: (non)rhyme time

2009-01-18T23:18:00.003-05:00

so, i always see everyone else doing spin cycle, and finally decided to try it myself. this week it is poetry, so i am just typing and seeing what comes of it.

bitter.
three small words break me
again, pieces in your hands.
yea, well, fuck you too
(how can i still miss you?)

i thought there was going to be more to this, but i guess not....maybe i will add tomorrow.

award and new computer...real post to follow....soon?

2009-01-18T13:29:00.006-05:00

I got this lovely award from Rachel at Burning the Souffle. She is fabulous, you should go there. She has a 'Sabrina' quote as her blog title, for monkey's sake - you know she is magical!

Anyways...award, rules, tags, etc.

Rules:

- List six things that inspire your creativity

- Pass the award on to 6 more kreativ bloggers

- Link back to the person who gave you the award

- Link to the people you are passing it on to and leave them a comment to let them know.

Six things that inspire my creativity:

- My past

- My loved ones

- Heartbreak

- Music

- Water (in general - the ocean, the rain, a shower...whatever)

- Alcohol

I pass this award to:
- Jess, who I just started reading, but I can already tell is effing awesome
- Idiot, another new one that I am starting to love
- Younger cousin, who is fantastic and you should add to your b-roll.

That's all I'm doing because I think everyone else in the world already has this, and I want to take a nap.

----------------------------------------------------------
I got a new computer! It's shiny and pretty. And red.

My desk is messy.
Anyway, my computer is looooovely - 17" widescreen, very fast, and red. I love it. Eventually he will have a name.

Ok, I am going to eat, and then take a nap, and then grocery shop.

More later, I promise - I have much to update with now that school has started!

Books Read in 2009 (UPDATED 01.24)

2009-01-03T16:58:00.005-05:00

Inspired by my sister, I'll be updating this throughout the year. My goal is 100 NEW books read. I will be listing all of them...starred ones are re-reads. I read fast and never go to the library, so there'll be A LOT of re-reads.

Anyways....here goes!

1. Love the One You're With. Emily Giffin. 1/1/09.

2. Such a Pretty Fat. Jen Lancaster. 1/3/09.*

(starting here I lose track of dates...most of my reading is done between school, work, homework, and sleep and i have no idea what day it is anymore.

3. Bright Lights, Big Ass. Jen Lancaster.*

4. Bitter is the New Black. Jen Lancaster.*

5. More than This. Margo Candela. Different, but loved this.

6. The Man of My Dreams. Curtis Sittenfeld. Am I the only one who always thought this author was a man? Oops. Anyways. Really really liked this one. No spoilers, but if you have read it and email, I will tell you why.

7. Loves Music, Loves to Dance. Mary Higgins Clark. Needed an easy read to entertain me for a couple hours when I couldn't look at my statistics book anymore.

8. The Street Lawyer. John Grisham. Another easy read, but worthwhile, unlike MHC.

9. The History of Love. Nicole Krauss. Excellent.

10. But Enough About Me. Jancee Dunn.

so, will i grow a penis if i order this?

2008-12-28T22:35:00.001-05:00

really, i wish i would stop getting so much spam...

nostalgia punched me in the face today...

2008-12-27T14:48:00.003-05:00

I've spent the better part of the day so far going through old pictures, and what was left after that browsing through my old livejournal and deadjournal entries (yes, I know...what can I say? I was a sad little emo motherfucker for a while).

A couple of things:
a) I can't believe how everything seemed so important. Thank God I got over that.
b) How come no one ever slapped me for being so whiny?
c) The comments left on some entries by friends have been making me cry...especially the friends I've lost along the way...I miss having so many people who cared so much about me. I know I have plenty of people now who love me and care about me, but the number of those who are seriously invested in my well-being has gone down exponentially over the years.
d) I had so much more optimism and romanticism then. When did I become such a cynic?

Maybe it has something to do with hitting legal drinking age? Along with easier-to-come-by vodka, there's pessimism and doubt? I don't know that I believe that.

Even in my epic ramblings about heartbreak and pain and fate and whatever the hell else I was trying to sound intelligent about, I still managed to find a bright spot. No matter what the subject, I turned it around to make it a little bit better.

I don't know if I can do that anymore. It certainly doesn't seem like it.

Maybe I don't need that crutch anymore. Maybe after living a little more, experiencing more, I realize that there isn't always a bright spot. Maybe the fact that I'm more emotionally healthy now lets me accept the world as it is, without the rose-colored glasses.

My little revisit of the past today? It's given me much to think about.

i'm not the same one, look what the time's done....is that why you have let me go?

2008-12-25T07:46:00.009-05:00

Once upon a time, I used to LOVE Christmas. Everything about it - the shopping, the crowds, the scents, the sounds. I loved driving around looking at Christmas lights, going to Christmas parties, I even went caroling a couple of times (which I'm sure the world has thanked me for stopping....). Several years of working retail at Christmas? Yea, didn't phase me. Wrapping 200 shoe shine kits at one of my jobs for a corporate Christmas present? Bring it on.
My favorite thing was always finding the perfect present for someone. I always put weeks of thought into it, and truly tried to think of something unique that I knew the other person would love and use. Over the years, I know I've come up with some pretty good things.

The last few years though, Christmas has lost its magic for me.

I still try to get in the spirit....I put up the tree, I listen to as much Christmas music as I can stand, I watch my usual Christmas movies....I decorate at work, and participate in anything holiday-related that I can. I do everything I know how to do, yet still come up short.

The gifts I buy are off a list, and now my goal is to just be done with it. The songs I'm listening to? 'Yule Shoot Your Eye Out', 'Green Christmas', 'Where are You Christmas?', 'Blue Christmas' (check out Low's version - infinitely superior to The King)...along with every other melancholy, tear-inducing song I have, and god only knows there are plenty...

Maybe it's just because I'm getting older. Maybe it's because so much of my family is a day away, and it's just not the holidays without them. Maybe it's because December has burned itself into my memory the last several years as a time of heartbreak and loss....

I'm sure it's a combination of all those things. How could it not be?

I miss the way things were...I miss being young and excited about the surprises Christmas morning would hold. I miss pancakes for breakfast after opening presents, and helping my mom with dinner. I miss spending time with my grandparents, and wish I had treasured that time more than I had when we had it.

All the silly traditions, all the stupid arguments...I miss them all. Those are infinitely preferable to how I'm spending my second Christmas in a row - at home, alone.
True, it's mostly by choice. I couldn't make it down to Tennessee to see my parents/sister/grandpa, and I turned down every invitation to Christmas dinner I received - I don't really want to spread my grinchiness around. I prefer to wallow alone, thank you very much.

Next year maybe it'll be different. Maybe I'll find a good memory to replace the bad ones. Maybe the hole that's been in my heart the last four years will start to heal itself over.

God, I hope so.

While I may be in no mood for this holiday, I still want to wish you and yours a very happy Christmas. I hope you all are safe, healthy, happy, and surrounded by those you love. Happy Holidays.

another crazy dream....

2008-12-18T21:27:00.000-05:00

So, last night I dreamt that I was at my work Christmas party. It was at someone's house, which was pretty small - not much bigger than my apartment. Everyone brought their dogs, since there was a yard for them to run around in.

I happened to look through the sliding door out into the backyard, and noticed there was a pen with a big yellow python in it. I started freaking out, saying that the dogs were going to get in there and the snake was going to eat them.
First I was ignored, and then everyone told me not to worry, the dogs would be fine.
Suddenly, the python jumped over the fencing around its pen, and started chasing after the dogs. We managed to open the door and get all the dogs inside, and everyone was cheering and celebrating that they were safe, until once again, I suddenly realized that no one had closed the door again, and the snake was already halfway through it, and starting to charge at someone.

That's when I woke up.
Really, I think I'm on drugs without knowing it.

Anyways, I looked up the symbols: Dream Moods Dream Dictionary

Python
To see a python in your dream, represents danger, sin, and overt sexuality. Alternatively, it may symbolize your determination.

To see a python suffocate and kill its prey, suggests that you are feeling emotionally stressed and anxious.

Party
To dream that you are at a party, suggests that you need to get out more and enjoy yourself. If the party is bad, then it indicates that you are unsure of your social skills.

Coworker
To see your coworkers in your dream, highlights aspects of your waking relationship with them, including difficulties/support. It signifies your ambition, struggles and competitive nature. If the coworkers in your dream are not your actual coworkers, then they may pertain to some psychological business that you need to work on. Work-related dreams can also often be linked to stress at work.

To dream that you are training someone to take your place, suggests that you are moving toward deeper inner development. You are leaving behind old attitudes and are looking toward the future.

Dog
To see a dog in your dream, symbolizes intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. The dream suggests that your strong values and good intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and bring you success. Alternatively, it indicates a skill that you have ignored or forgotten. If the dog is vicious and/or growling, then it signifies some inner conflict within yourself. It may indicate betrayal and untrustworthiness.�If the dog is dead or dying, then it indicates a loss of a good friend. Alternatively, it represents a deterioration of your instincts. Also consider common notions associated with the word dog, such as loyalty ("man's best friend") and to be "treated like a dog".

To see a happily barking dog in your dream, symbolizes pleasures and much social activity. If the dog is barking ferociously, then it represents your habit of unnecessary barking at people and the situations around you. It could also mean unfriendly companions. To dream that a dog bites your on the leg, suggests that you have lost your ability to balance aspects of your life. You may be hesitant in approaching a new situation or have no desire to move forward with your goals. Alternatively, it symbolizes disloyalty.

To dream that you are buying a dog, indicates your tendency to buy your friends or buy compliments and favors. Alternatively, it suggest a need for you to find companionship. If you are being guided by a dog, suggests that you are having difficulties in navigating out of a situation or problem.

To dream that you are dressing up your dog, signifies your attempts to cover up your own character flaws and habits.

Ignore
To dream that you are ignoring someone or being ignored, represents some aspect of yourself which you are not paying enough attention to. Alternatively, it may reflect your real waking experiences of being ignored by that person.

In conclusion? I have no damn idea what any of that meant. And dream interpretation is bullshit. But I'm going to send that in to them anyways and see what the "experts" say. I'll update if I get a response

attention bloggers - andrea has gone awol....

2008-12-12T00:04:00.002-05:00

Dear friends:

This is Andrea's computer speaking. I have to tell you, I'm worried about her. She has been ignoring me so much these last couple of weeks. She gets home from work, late, as usual, and barely says two words to me. She ignores the lovely blog posts and twitter updates I have helped supply her with, and only seems interested in checking her email, updating her facebook status, and then going to bed. I know she's been working hard, but I work hard all day too! Why can't she just appreciate me? Always going to sleep at 8pm, telling me she had a rough day, or she has a headache. Doesn't she know that I need -- nay, that I DESERVE -- love and attention as well? Do I not have needs? Do I not have feelings? Am I not human?
Wait...don't answer that.

Well, friends...I just wanted to see if you miss her dry wit and sudden sweetness as much as I do. Her use of rhythm and meter to drive home a point, her understanding of metaphor and hyperbole to illustrate a thought....Her incredible talent that goes sadly unnoticed by the powers that be....

I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone...and that I will do everything in my considerable power to get her up and blogging again...

Until then,
PC